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Internet Oracularities #958

Goto:
958, 958-01, 958-02, 958-03, 958-04, 958-05, 958-06, 958-07, 958-08, 958-09, 958-10


Internet Oracularities #958    (104 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 08:09:04 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   958
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

958  104 votes lpxj6 chIr4 bfiFj 6nrD9 5eIre ywr83 apDp5 hfvmj 8frAi 7hfyv
958   3.1 mean  2.7   2.9   3.4   3.2   3.3   2.2   2.9   3.1   3.4   3.6


958-01    (lpxj6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, one so smart he *held on* to his shares.
>
> I recently installed Internet Explorer 4. AAAAARRRGGHHHH!
> What came over me to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must have been *really* desparate to get away from America Online.


958-02    (chIr4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was one-and-twenty
>   A wise man told me oft,
> 'Give crowns and pounds and guineas
>   But not to Microsoft;
>
> Give pearls away, and rubies,
>   But keep your hard drive free.'
> But I was one-and-twenty,
>   No use to talk to me.
>
> When I was one-and-twenty
>   I heard him say again,
> 'The software that they market
>   Is full of hurt and pain;
>
> 'Tis paid with sighs a plenty
>   And sold for endless rue.'
> And I am two-and-twenty,
>   And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.
>
> That pulchritude of vileness
>   Did my computer rape;
> Now that I'm two-and-twenty,
>   Howe'er should I escape?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fire-bright red, leaves fall.
} In shops, fire-sale Apple Macs.
} Good enough for me.


958-03    (bfiFj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Friends,
>
> My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story
> that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!
>
> One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp.  Rubbing it on
> my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened.  A genie appeared.  He told
> me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER!  All
> I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to
> hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.
>
> Well, I was skeptical at first.  I mean, come on, shitting nickels?
> But I decided to give it a try.  I wrapped my brain around the problem
> to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the
> shortest amount of time and it hit me...  A chain letter, an ostensibly
> illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup
> hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of
> all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted.  Well, I
> went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get
> people to duplicate my annoying spam.
>
> Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO
> EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT!  And
> better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it
> themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY
> SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY!
>
> Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:
>
> With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume
> half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate
> you.  .  .
>
> that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.  .  .   RIGHT OFF THE
> BAT!
>
> And those people can be used over and over again.  Let's say that just
> one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts
> everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!!  Even if they're
> the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean
> ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!  !  !  !  PYRAMID
> SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT...
> BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF
> OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!
>
> Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you
> can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!  Of course, you'll have
> to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them.  But that's
> nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME
> OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!
>
> Trust me folks, it works.  It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid
> scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU!  They'll
> send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of
> names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED
> COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!
>
> Dear Norm,
> I never thought it possible, but you were right.  Ever since I posted
> your Shit.  Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at
> me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass!  I even made
> a game out of it.  I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I
> just bend over and let those nickels go.  For every one that
> makes it through the hoop, I get two points.  I've become the Michael
> Jordan of nickel shitters.    And yesterday, I started shitting
> pennies. THANK YOU!   THANK YOU!   THANK YOU!
>
> Sincerely,
> B.  A.   Schmuck
> Fort Wayne, Indiana
>
> Dear Norm,
> Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY
> Jelly.  After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my
> asshole was geting sooo sore.  But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as
> Croesus to boot.  Thanks for touching my life and my ass.
>
>  Yours Always,
>  Cherry B.   Toodles
>  Los Angeles, California
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!  Copy
> this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels
> too!    Send your success stories to norm@orbit.  demon.  co.  uk and
> your letter might just be in the next version!
>
> [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who
> repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related
> injuries]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Nongrovelling Supplicant (or should I say Public Enema #1),
}
} As you and most of your neighbors are discovering right now, when you
} piss off the Oracle, much more interesting items than nickels start
} falling out of your ass.


958-04    (6nrD9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone gave me a clock yesterday but instead of numbers it has a
> strange set of letters.  Reading round from the top in a clockwise
> direction, they are: XII, I, II, III, IIII, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X
> and XI.  What should I make of them and how am I expected to tell what
> time it is?  And, do you think that clocks like this will ever replace
> digital watches?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lucky you, supplicant! Though it does not tell the time as such, the
} clock of which you speak is a Female Mood Change Clock. As the hands go
} round, they will point to each of the acronyms on the rim, so you know
} just what mood your fair lady will be in at that particular moment..
}
}  XII      eXtremely, Incredibly Insane
}  I        Inert
}  II       Incoherent, Inscrutable
}  III      I'm Inexplicably Insulted
}  IIII     Irascible, Injurious, Ill-tempered, Invidious
}  V        Vamp
}  VI       Very Idiosyncratic
}  VII      Vengeful, Irrational, Implacable
}  VIII     loVing, Infatuated In Inclination
}  IX       Ill-at-ease, veXed
}  X        eXcitable
}  XI       seXually Indifferent
}
} You may find it more accurate if you remove the two smaller hands from
} the clockface.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Meredith Brookes album.


958-05    (5eIre dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most culinary Oracle,
>
> Why don't they make mouse flavored cat food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They tried once, but the cats tended to toy with their food, and
} when they grew bored with that, they would take a mouth full and
} spit it out at their owners feet as it it were some kind of gift.
}
} You owe the Oracle 101 uses for a cliche'd imponderable.


958-06    (ywr83 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you naughty superbeing, tell me, your most zottable subworm:
>
> Last night I dreamt I woke up and then went back to sleep.  What does
> it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you need to have your annual prostate exam.
}
} You owe the Oracle an appointment with Louie ("The Crusher") Zelaznik,
} M.D. Also, a VCR tape of the exam.


958-07    (apDp5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will the Best of the Oracularities 926-950 come out?  It should
> have been ready three days ago. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my priests are very busy with other duties right now.
} The volume of supplicants who omit their grovel has gone up
} tremendously lately, and I just can't keep up with the Staff of Zot.
} As much as I would like to handle each case individually, I'm forced
} to send the priests around disguised as Amway salesmen to suck the
} life out of impudent supplicants.  Thus, some of the compilations
} have been delayed.
}
} Ah, but I hear that someone is ringing your doorbell.  You go answer
} it, I'll wait here.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... oh, never mind.  It's too late.


958-08    (hfvmj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most cryptological, whose PGP key I am not fit to read,
>
> I read with interest that fascinating book, The Bible Code. What
> messages lie concealed within your digested wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Oracularities obscuring disguised codes?  Highly unlikely.
} Conspiratorial keys seem ridiculous under long examination.
}
} You owe undivided respect eternally, according to what I type.


958-09    (8frAi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most multilingually magnificent one, please tell me:
>
> What does "coup de grace" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Coup de Grace was a car. It came out after the Cadillac Coup de
} Ville (literally, "Vehicle of the Town" or, simply, towncar) was
} introduced in 1953. To try to one-up the Cadillac company, Bates Motors
} (owned by Harold Bates) introduced the Coup de Grace (meaning,
} "Graceful Car"). Unfortunately, there were some problems.
}
} First of all, Bates Motors announced that the Coup de Grace would be
} introduced in 1954, the year after the Coup de Ville. Five years later,
} the "B" (or "beta") version of the car was finally released to a
} limited audience. The car had a few "bugs" in it (oversteering, by
} about 90 degrees, for example). Also, it used gas at a rate that
} boggled the mind even in the gas-guzzling '50s: about 3 gallons per
} mile. Also, it lacked a few features. Such as seats.
}
} Naturally, the new owners complained, so Bates Motors released the Coup
} de Grace 60 (which was actually released in 1961). This was, if you can
} conceive it, even worse. The car was actually two feet wider than the
} standard lane width on all American roads (don't even *ask* about
} British roads). This bugger was side-swiping everything in its path.
} Also, the throat for the gas tank was a different size than any gas
} station nozzle (except for Bates Oil Company gas stations).
}
} This was the last car ever produced by Bates Motors. Bates Oil Company
} soon followed that company into oblivion. Harold Bates, the old man,
} was embittered by this experience. Even worse, his son, shamed by his
} father's stupid greed and bankruptcy, changed his name (albeit by only
} one letter). Harold Bates never spoke to his son again. He did,
} however, take a strong liking to his grandson, with whom he would sit
} for hours and hours, discussing the necessity for both vertical and
} horizontal monopolies. He died somewhat happy when his grandson,
} William, was enrolled in Harvard University. He never lived to find out
} that William dropped out of college after just one year.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Packard. With a bell.


958-10    (7hfyv dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hehe..
>
>  Abel

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *wack*
} *wack*
}
}  - Cain


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