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Internet Oracularities #96

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Usenet Oracularities #96
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Jan 90 04:46:32 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


96-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's sex good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is unspeakably disappointed with your minimal facility with
} the English language.  Precision in the proper specification of *any*
} question, _especially_ one directed at the Oracle, is of the utmost
} importance, and ought not be treated so casually.
}
} Never, never, ever again end a sentence with a preposition.
}
} Being nearly omniscient, I understand that the question you *really*
} meant to ask was
}
} >For what is sex good?
}
}               Sex is good for satisfaction
}                       when your arm's too tired.
}               Sex is good for relaxation
}                       when you're really wired.
}               Sex is hardly worth the effort
}                       when your heart's not in it.
}               Try a quickie now and then
}                       ...only takes a minute.
}
} Of course I made it up myself.  I'm an Oracle, remember?
}
} You owe the Oracle one wet suit and a 1-qt bottle of Wesson oil.


96-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Nudism dangerous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not in the slightest!  And don't let the Society of People Who Do Not
} Want You To Ever, Ever Take Your Clothes Off, Not Even For A Moment fool
} you.  The SPWDNWYTEETYCONEFAM (pron.  "Spud-Newt-Titty-Cone-Fam) has
} been known to send out pamphlets saying things like "Eleanor was a nice
} girl.  Then took her clothes off to have a shower.  Now she is Jewish,
} Negro, lesbian, Pagan, Buddhist, Asian, Mexican, alcoholic, pregnant
} with her sixty-third child, has had four abortions today, alcoholic,
} living in Harlem, addicted to heroin, studying English Literature,
} Communist, saving the whales, vegetarian, dating two men at once and
} staying out with them after midnight, living in Reno, living in sin, and
} *happy*."
}
} Don't be clothed-minded!


96-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you rotate a matrix in place in the general case, with out an
> extra copy of the array?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk, Tsk.  Don't schools teach grammar or proper sentence construction
} anymore?  Well, before We can answer your question, We must first get it
} in a proper, readable form.
}
} >> > How do you rotate a matrix in place in the general case,
}                                          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
} This clause really should be at the beginning of the sentence, thus
} removing that awkward period in the middle of the question
}
} >> > with out
}      ^^^^^^^^
} Is our spell-checker not working today?
}
} >> > an extra copy of the array?
}
} Now, isn't that much better?  A question We can live with...wait a
} minute, what's this?  One of Our reference tomes is lying out.  We can't
} have that.  Let's put this back on the shelf, making sure it is it's
} proper alphabetical niche.  Oh my, these tomes are all out of order.  We
} should take care of that right now.  And look at these bookshelves; they
} haven't been dusted in God knows how long.  And while We're at it, we
} should refinish that side there..........
}
} You owe the anal-retentive Oracle a valium.


96-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the most famous song by echo and the bunnymen? i've barely
> heard of them, but you recommend them to me so they must be good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it loses a lot without the music, but here it is:
}
} Shocking Teflon Anemone
}      -- echo and the bunnymen
}
} You, baby, are one shocking teflon sea anemone,
} swishing around in a tidal pool,
}       splish splish splish splish splish splish splish
} gobbling up krill and plankton
}       splish splish splish splish splish splish splish
} And whenever a shark comes up and tries to bite you,
} His teeth slip off of your hyperfantastic Technicolor Teflon skin.
}
} You, baby, are one iridescent high-energy koala bear
} climbing up over them Down Under eucalyptus trees
}       crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch
} nibbling shoots and buds and leaves that would kill anything else
}       crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch
} And whenever a lion flies down and tries to bite you
} You zap him with little teeny cute deadly lightning bolts from your
}   high-energy-emitting little nose.
}
} (Recitative:  And the Park Rangers come and whomp on him with shovels
} and pickaxes and triremes and wakizashis because you are one iridescent
} high-energy-emitting member of a fucking endangered species.)
}
} (* Instrumental interlude.  echo throws her Fender to a groupie, and
} gets out a classical violin.  The next stanza is a direct quotation from
} _Ein deutsches Requiem_, by Johannes Brahms *)
}
} Denn alles Fleisch, es ist wie Gras
} und alle Herrlichkeit des Menschen
} wie des Grases Blumen
} Das Gras ist verdorret
} und die Blume abgefallen
}
} (Recitative:  For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the
} flower of grass.  The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth
} away.  1.  Petrus I, 24.)
}
} (* Someone in the wings throws echo another Fender.  She torches her
} violin and throws it to another groupie, who eats it.  *)
}
} But you, oh yeah baby, you you you you *you* are one shocking teflon sea
}     anemone,
} Swimming around in one purely amazing tidal pool
} You ain't about to pass like some flower of grass!
} You ain't about to get eaten by no shark!
} You ain't about to get chomped by no lion!
} Not you baby! Not you not you not you!!
}
} You owe the Oracle three tickets to their next concert.


96-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So Oracle, now that the US has invaded Panama to capture Noriega, does
> this mean its OK for Iran to invade Britain and grab Salmon Rushdie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes.


96-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't you boys know any nice songs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's one. It's sad, but sweet.  I sent it to someone else today too.
}
} > Sing me a song again, this time the one about the two unicorns who
} > didn't recognize each other because one of them was wearing a plaid
} > suit.
}
} Oh I sing a song of wonderous woe,
} Of unicorns who better should know,
} I sing my song both sad and slow,
}    I sing of the suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh Harbo grazed once in the meadow so sweet,
} And Alabax nibbled the whinnysome wheat,
} And all of their happiness then was complete,
}    Until came the suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh Harbo went then to the city so grand
} From whence they did rule all the whole of the land
} And served as the steed of Vice President Dan,
}    With the suit and the name of the Quayle.
}
} Oh Alabax froliced in meadows outdoors
} But Harbo consorted with terrible bores
} and PACsters and other political whores,
}    Who wore the plaid suits like the Quayle.
}
} Oh Harbo stayed there for a year and a day,
} But they called Dan a virgin and called Dan a gay,
} And so the Vice President sent him away,
}    But gave him a suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh Harbo bounced back with a spring and a hop,
} With some treats in a bag from Tiffany's shop,
} But poor Alabaxis, she thought him a G.O.P.,
}   Because of the suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh She snorted and howled and lowered her horn,
} And stabbed him right through like a good unicorn
} Should stab anyone Republican sworn
}   And wearing the suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh poor Alabax was both sorry and sad,
} And Harbo was slain, but the blame's to be had
} By the horrid and dreadful and hateful and plaid,
}   The vile, plaid suit of the Quayle.
}
} Oh I sing a song of wonderous woe,
} Of unicorns who better should know,
} I sing my song both sad and slow,
}    I sing of the suit of the Quayle.


96-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are pinafores really full of pins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, excuse me for just a moment...
} *****
}
} Oracle: God, are you there? Hello?
} God: Yes, oh knowledgable one, I am.  What do you wish to know?
} Oracle: Why am I constantly harrassed by such idiotic questions?
} God: You ought to know the answer. Tell me, oh great Oracle, why do
}      people ask you such idiotic questions?
} Oracle, recursive level 2: Because they have no real lives.
} God: Because they have no real lives.
} Oracle (level 1): Thank you, oh omnipotent one.
} God: No problem.
}
} *****
} Hi. I'm back.  I suppose you want an answer, huh?  Well, I don't feel
} like giving you one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new life insurance policy.


96-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whence and whither flow the streams of thought?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Read the following CAREFULLY, forward and back, and you will see the
} answer:
}
} thguoht fo smaerts eht wolf rehtihw dna ecnehw


96-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is "Wldsh"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yet another shell from your friends at AT&T.  The "Wild shell" let's you
} do crazy things without damaging the system.  This is a
} hacker-protection program, really.  It's so much fun yet doesn't cause
} damage or cpu-usage that any system administrator can install it and not
} have to worry about hackers again.
}
} You owe the oracle a Robert Morris doll.


96-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend said that a fungus from my apartment is growing on her.
> Is it true?  If not, how can I persuade her that I am innocent of
> infecting her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question reminds me of one I recently received from the head of
} state of a particularly enlightened society of fungi.  It seems a human
} female attached itself to the colony, causing great distress to its
} residents with her threats of genocide.  I suggested that any one of a
} large number of comercially available agents could be used to kill and
} remove the offending female.
}
} But...  on to your question...
}
} There are a large number of comercially available prepairations that
} could be used to kill and remove the offending fungal growth.  Perhaps
} your girlfriend should investigate these.  She should be aware, however,
} that any move to use such chemicals could trigger retaliation by the
} fungus...
}
} The fungi did not originate in your appartment - no self respecting life
} form would live there...
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary, a gram of cyanide, a tube of anti-
} fungal cream, and any book on the doctine of "mutually assured
} destruction"


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