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Internet Oracularities #960

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960, 960-01, 960-02, 960-03, 960-04, 960-05, 960-06, 960-07, 960-08, 960-09, 960-10


Internet Oracularities #960    (113 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 08:25:41 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   960
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

960  113 votes deyso 2lHwg 9BAr5 5eoHs drOi6 6hEtm 8cjvI 6Eww4 frGp5 eDyk7
960   3.2 mean  3.3   3.4   2.9   3.7   2.8   3.4   3.8   2.9   2.8   2.7


960-01    (deyso dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh almighty Oracle whose processor pins I am not fit to floss,
>
> Who is Keyser Soze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you sure you want to know this? Okay...
}
} The Trilateral Commission, along with the Federal Reserve Board,
} decided that the citizens of the United States had to be controlled
} before they discovered the truth about the Knights Templar. Therefore,
} the U.N. began sneaking NATO soldiers, disguised as communist Chinese,
} into the Bahamas (which, not by coincidence, is where the Duke of
} Windsor spent his years in exile after he discovered that the Royal
} Family was behind the international cocaine trafficking). Adolph
} Hitler, still alive in 1971, from his bunker at the South Pole,
} directed the "sampling" of Americans (usually from rural areas in the
} South) by the Small Greys from their space ships; the Mother Ship, in
} orbit over Moscow, continued to supply the heirs of Stalin (himself a
} descendent of Leonardo da Vinci) with the time-travelling technology,
} which allowed them to "tweak" the time-line involving the pyramids.
} Meanwhile, the Masons, directed by the Illuminati, began to insert
} computer chips into the buttocks of randomly-slected Patriots
} throughout the Midwest states in the U.S.A. Flouridation of the water
} supply had so weakened the population of the United States that it was
} simple for the Bilderburg Society to steal all the gold from Fort Knox
} and put the U.S. Dollar on the oatmeal standard. Meanwhile,
} archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institution (funded by Smithson, a
} cousin of Queen Victoria, the greatest -- next to Elizabeth II --
} cocaine trafficker) covered up the true nature of the landing strips on
} the Plain of Nazca in Peru and forced the scientific community to
} ignore the Antarctic entrance to the Center of the Earth, where Adolph
} Hitler was hiding out. Of course, the so-called "scientists" at NASA
} covered up the truth about the Face on Mars, which would have proved
} that both the Aztecs and the Egyptians were visited by the Large Greys,
} who impregnented numerous humans with their seed in order to create
} Albert Einstein, who went rogue and planted the idea of
} faster-than-light travel before he was assisinated by The Greens. Not
} until 1961, when Fidel Castro, himself a product of the genetic
} experiment of the Large Greys, tried to call in the Mother Ship to
} destroy the then-dangerous United States did John F. Kennedy, a member
} of the Order of the Second Inquisition, try to "take him out."
} Naturally, the World Council of Churches put out a "hit" on JFK, with
} the blessing of Lyndon Johnson, a member of the "Boxers", who had been
} suppressed by the British in 1901 under the orders of Queen Victoria.
} Johnson had been instructed by the Council of the Elders of Zion, who
} had engineerd *both* the International Marxist Conspiracy *and* the
} International Capitalist Conspiracy (nice trick, eh?) to hide the fact
} that Kennedy, who was part of the Small Blue conspiracy to take over
} the Earth, hadn't been killed by the Small Greys (who used Oswald as a
} patsy) in order to checkmate their enemies. Meanwhile, Kaiser Solze
} (you used the wrong spelling) was an ambassador from the Knights
} Templar to try to influence Oliver Stone into believing that the
} Vietnam War was a conspiracy between the military-industrial complex,
} whereas, we know, it was really a Small Grey-Knights Templar-Second
} Inquisition-International Monetary Fund-Council on Foreign Relations
} conspiracy...
}
} Got it, now?
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for the black helicopters that keep
} hovering over my temple...


960-02    (2lHwg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                            SECRET -- NOFORN
>
>
>               +----------------------------------------+
>               | THIS QUESTION INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK |
>               +----------------------------------------+
>
>
>                            SECRET -- NOFORN

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, another round of "I'm too embarrassed to ask this question, so
} I'll rely on the fact that the Oracle is omniscient, and therefore
} already knows it."  At least you've thoughtfully provided the
} headers and footers of one of the humanity(1) man pages as a clue.
} I'll have to speak to Jehovah about letting that book lie around
} where you mortals can find it...
}
} Anyway, the answer is: Yes, as you suspected, you *are* still a
} virgin because (like most computer geeks) you were compiled with
} the "nofornicate" option enabled.  You can get around this by
} downloading a replacement LIBIDO run-time library that will allow
} you to "fork".
}
} You owe the Oracle your firstborn child process.


960-03    (9BAr5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who can always top "infinity plus one," please
> enlighten me:
>
> What happened to that $50 I lost after my prom date crashed my car in
> a secret attempt to influence her lesbian sister to join the military
> which was officially run by a two-headed monster whose sister-in-law
> was really in love with the President who was secretly in love with
> his secretary who was secretly snorting cocaine?  Did I drop it on
> the streeet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope, it was nicked by your friend the drug-dealer who provides the
} stuff to the secretary of the golf club president who's loved by the
} *other* sister-in-law of the victim of the multiple head syndrome
} (MHS) who runs the armed troops which attract many well-known lesbians
} whose sisters date persons like you, and I do not mean this to be
} taken negatively, who don't quite manage to keep track of their money,
} not to mention their cars, which they let their dates to crash into
} trees which have a history of perfect health with no signs of bark
} damage, even so much so as to be considered a promising contender in
} the national Healthy Tree contest designed to promote environmental
} values and respect of nature, but of course you wouldn't find this of
} any importance in your short-sighted concentration on issues monetary,
} which, rest assured, will in due order result your eventual demise
} in no less than a fraction of the time of the life of a certain tree.
} Happy now?


960-04    (5eoHs dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  +---+
}  |   O
}  |  -#-
}  |  / \
}  |
}  +


960-05    (drOi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> beavis

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quaballah and mystery!  yay!
}
} I divide your question into two parts:
}
} Bea
}
} and
}
} vis
}
} Mazes are easier to solve from the exit so we will start from the end.
} I understand.  You stand at the brink of a crossroads.  Usually mapped
} with an x you are so very much at the crossroads that you cannot even
} see them diverge.  You use the glyph  v to show the two roads ahead.
}
} then you use the glyph
}
} i  to indicate the point . self and the linear past |  at the same
} time.  Indeed.  We are the now, yet we are our past.  i is the dual
} symbol for I.
}
} Then you use an s glyph of the winding road; i is too simplisitic for
} the self does not stand alone - it travels through life's blind curves.
} You mortals do not know what is coming.
}
} v i s  then is an essential expression of your selfhood(i) flanked
} by two kinds of essential confusion (v) and soul travel (s).  Now we
} look to the beginning of your question:
}
} bea
}
} Oh this alarming!  A clockwise spiral (a)! a counterclockwise spiral
} (e)!  Finally the letter b.  Endless maytag - style churning results
} only in a I tangent to the o (the circular wholeness, NOT INCIDENTALLY
} the first letter of my groovy name) What you need is some kind of
} closure.  If you turn your monitor on its side that beastly b will
} look quite a bit like an Omega.  That would be my recommendation to
} your tortured question.
}
} You owe the oracle a 3d mouse and a Rosicrucian quide to ASCII and
} Unicode symbolism.
}
}
} I understand that you seek guidance.


960-06    (6hEtm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest Oracle, instructeth me now...
>
> I have told Curt how I love him, and he told me it meant a lot to him.
> I feel however that his feelings towards me are less strong, as he
> has not specifically said to me that he loves me too.  Wisest Oracle,
> I do love him so;  doth he loveth me?  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ouch, what a bummer.  It's always awkward when you don't get that
} I-Love-You return.
}
} However, don't lose hope!  Your amour may actually love you just
} as much as you love him; men simply have trouble expressing their
} feelings.  And it's not for the reasons you might suspect.
}
} Many women believe that men simply aren't romantic at heart.  They
} think that we purposely remain stoic to preserve our "macho image,"
} or for any of a hundred other reasons.  This rumor is completely and
} totally incorrect; it was started by a female psychiatrist in 1978,
} after her husband divorced her and ran off to Barbados with their
} mailman.
}
} The truth is that nearly all men are, deep down, hopeless romantics.
} Yes, inside the average working Joe lurks the soul of a poet.  Men feel
} the "softer" emotions like love and caring just as intensely as women--
} in many cases even more so-- and herein lies the source of the problem.
}
} Love is a deep and complex emotion, and when a man tries to express
} his love, the crudity of human speech just mangles all the nuances.
} Only one in ten million men is eloquent enough to find words that
} express the depth of feeling in his heart; if every man could say
} exactly what he felt, the world would be populated with Shakespeares,
} their very words so beautiful as to make a stone weep.
}
} But we are none of us Shakespeare, and precious few have even a
} tenth the command of language needed to explain our love in full.
} To speak it incompletely is all that we can do, yet this somehow
} seems to dilute the emotion, to water down the pure beauty of love
} with pale banalities.
}
} "I love you" is a sentiment for a Valentine's Day card, not a
} declaration of undying devotion, and many a man cannot bring himself
} to cheapen his emotions with such a simple phrase.  Yet it is also not
} simple to say, "To mine eyes you are as the summer sun, unapproachable
} in glory yet familiar as a friend, the source of all warmth and
} beauty in this cold and impersonal world."  (Yes, I wrote that.)
} Even such men as might think such things, have difficulty finding
} voice for them, lest their words fall on unpleased ears and their
} hearts be lain waste by laughter and ridicule.
}
} So yea, O supplicant, hearken unto me, and heed well. An thy man
} hath not the wherewithal to voice his love unto thee, he will show
} it thee by his actions.  A smile, a glance, a feathery touch 'pon
} thy cheek-- in these things shall he strive to show thee his heart.
} Let not a dearth of candy-heart words drive thee to despair, for many
} a man doth love for true, and saith it not.
}
} Thou o'est thine Oracle naught, for thou hast recalled to him the
} aire of days long past, and he hath found inspiration, and the words
} to bare his own heart to the one whom he doth love.


960-07    (8cjvI dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmm.. monkey.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no wrong way, to eat a Rhesus.


960-08    (6Eww4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most clueful, please tell me:
> Why are my lUsers so clueless?  No, wait, that's like asking why
> water is wet or why fire is hot.  What I meant is, why does it
> seem that I get the *most* clueless of all clue-deficient lUsers?
> Did someone slap some Clue Repellent on me when I wasn't looking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New from Oracular Industries!  It's... Clue-By-Four!
}
} It slices! It dices! It chops! It stops those annoying lusers dead
} in their tracks!
}
} The Clue-By-Four looks both stylish and intimidating when held in your
} lap!  You can even stroke it tenderly for that extra-menacing look!
} Do you get irritated when your know-nothing lusers completely hose
} the configuration on their machine?  It's nothing Clllllllue-By-Four
} can't handle!  One and two and through and through is all it takes
} to solve that problem!
}
} Wish that annoying luser would shut his droning mouth?  Just wax that
} ass with Cllllllllllllue-By-Four one good time.  He'll think twice
} before setting foot in your office again!
}
} All this and more can be yours for ten low, low payments of $29.95.
} So what are you waiting for?  Order now!  The first fifty callers
} will recieve an attractive carrying case, so grab that phone now!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Clue-By-Four Zot Staff.


960-09    (frGp5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Deer Mr. Oricle,
> I hope yu ar wel.
> We did the batle ov Hasteings in scool today, and the techer sed that
> Willium th Conker was really Norman!
> So wy dont they call him Norman the Conker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Norman the Conker has already been done, three times, by
} Anthony Perkins, and everyone is tired of hearing about him.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shower.


960-10    (eDyk7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Segmentation fault (core dumped)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, looks like this supplicant is a breech baby.


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