} You're looking at this all wrong. Think about your market... *think*!
} Sure, "Hooters" has been a success, but that's because all men are
} basically the same: They are only interested in one thing (well, two,
} if you want to be technical).
} Women, on the other hand, have a wider range of needs and interests.
} You'll need to open several chains, each geared to the particular mood
} of your women customers at the time.
} Here are some suggestions:
} HUGGERS For those times when a woman just wants a man to cuddle her
} and listen to her talk about *her* wants and needs. The
} waiters should be dressed in flannel pajamas and a sensible
} robe. When they bring the order to the table, the waiters
} will be required to put an arm around the customer's
} shoulders (and "copping a feel" will be grounds for
} *instant* dismissal!) and say, in a low, manly voice, "You
} seem to be tense... What's the matter? Do you want to talk
} about it?"
} SHOOTERS Sometimes, a woman wants a man who is macho... but without
} being a jerk about it. A guy who knows how to change a
} transmission, clear-cut the site for a vacation cabin in
} the North Woods, who likes hunting (but doesn't bring home
} dead things before they've been properly cut up and wrapped
} in white, waxed paper) and can get the yard into shape in
} the spring without making a Federal case out of it.
} Confident, competent, yet caring. Waiters wear flannel
} shirts, jeans, workboots and wide leather belts, all of
} them clean and tasteful. *No* tobacco chewing!
} LOOTERS Who doesn't like a little danger? Just so long as it isn't
} *really* dangerous, of course. "Looters" will offer gangsta
} rappers, long-hair long-distance truck drivers, militia
} members, motorcycle gang members and, for the nostalgic,
} James Dean lookalikes. They can sneer, snarl and make
} (tasteful) lewd comments. But no slapping around broads or
} use of the "w" (or is it "h"?) word.
} EARNERS Getting waiters for this one is going to be a toughie.
} Imagine a restaurant with waiters who are M.D.s, C.P.A.s,
} dentists, corporate lawyers and investment bankers. They
} have to be able to casually drop comments about their
} mid-six-figure salaries, vacations in Bali and the 16-room
} houses in Boston without seeming to be self-absorbed or
} stuck-up about it. Still, if you can pull it off, this will
} be an all-time money-maker.
} SNORERS Women like to be able to look down on men who are complete
} loosers. For a woman who just wants to feel superior,
} "Snorers" will be *the* "in" place. Middle-aged, fat,
} balding guys who got laid off as middle-management in the
} papermaking industry, for example, would be perfect
} waiters. Expect a lot of dinners to be returned to the
} kitchen ("What? You call *this* a decently-cooked trout
} fillet? My mother was right! You're a jerk! I should have
} married Bernie!") but you can adjust your prices to take
} that into consideration. Next to "Earners," "Snorers"
} should be your biggest success.
} You owe the Oracle a business plan for an S&M-theme restaurant in
} Lynchburg, Virginia.