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Internet Oracularities #961

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961, 961-01, 961-02, 961-03, 961-04, 961-05, 961-06, 961-07, 961-08, 961-09, 961-10


Internet Oracularities #961    (102 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Nov 1997 09:15:46 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   961
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

961  102 votes hxwh3 5bxvm 3kHs8 27BL9 2cvFg 5DAi4 biBpb 3eDyc 1dKwa 6srx8
961   3.2 mean  2.6   3.5   3.2   3.5   3.6   2.8   3.1   3.4   3.4   3.1


961-01    (hxwh3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,Is Bill Gates the Anti-Christ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Announcing MicroSoft AntiChrist version 6.66!
}
} All New!  Even LOWER in sulphur emissions and takes adantage of
} Intel(tm) MMX(tm) technology to produced more realistic flames and
} screams.
}
} Try the demo version at www.microsoft.com/hell


961-02    (5bxvm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose universe is 24 billion light-years across,
> please answer me this question:
>
> I listen to the "oldies" radio station because I like old music.
>
> Then I discover that their idea of oldies is only ten or twenty years
> old.  There is music that was recorded more than seventy years ago!
>
> Then I discover that there is music hundreds of years old.  I guess
> there aren't any audio recordings of it, but there are these mystical
> paper recordings with lines and dots and a bunch of funny marks.
>
> Then I discover that there is music thousands of years old, but I guess
> nobody recorded it, or if they did the recordings were lost in the fire
> at the library at Alexandria, or maybe there are recordings, but we
> just don't recognize them.
>
> So just how old is music?  How old is the oldest recording? Is it
> available on CD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Music is as old as man. Of course, it depends on what you call "music".
} About 1,543,201 years, five months, sixteen days and seven hours ago
} (keeping in mind the different time zones) an Austrolopithecene named
} George (what? you expected him to be named "Og" or something?) got into
} a fight with another guy named George. They were both interested in the
} most beautiful woman in their band, a woman named George (the
} Austrolopithecenes were not very original about names). Well, George
} (the first one) hit George (the other one -- the other *male*, that is)
} in the face with a large rock. The "splat" sound was so attractive,
} that he kept hitting George on the face until he (George... no the
} *second* George) died of massive brain injuries. Thus was born music.
}
} The concept of music quickly spread throughout Austrolopitheceneland.
} People were hitting each other in the face with large rocks, sticks,
} old gnawed bones, dead animals and, for variety, live animals. (This is
} also the origin of food fights.) Soon, musical terms began to be
} invented. Being able to "carry a tune," for example, meant that the
} person always carried a large rock with him. The definition of a "4/4
} beat" is self-evident. A "musical staff" was a big stick with sharp
} nobby things on the end.
}
} Concerts became very popular. We call it "hand-to-hand warfare" today,
} but that's just cultural imperialism. One of the greatest
} Austrolopithecene musicians, George, once performed the "1,542,199 B.C.
} Overture" before a rapt audience. Of course, nearly 500 people died in
} the orchestra, but they died for their music.
}
} Now, as to your question regarding the oldest recording music, you are
} correct in your supposition that modern humans are simply too
} bone-headed to recognize a recording when they see it. Long before the
} Chinese started trying to record their first musical composition
} ("Chopsticks") on bamboo staves or the Emperor Nero tried to use hot
} oil as a recording medium, the Incas found a way to preserve music.
} Have you heard of those strange lines on the Plain of Nazca in Peru?
} The ones that could only be seen from the air? Musical notation. No,
} really. And spaceships had nothing to do with it, either. The Incas had
} sufficient technology to build hot air baloons so a director could read
} the score and direct the orchestra. It is said that the screams of
} virgins (and the occasional "almost-virgins" from the woodwind section
} -- no sniggering) could be heard all the way to Machu Pichu.
}
} Unfortunately, after just one performance, the Spanish showed up, so
} the score was lot to humans forever. I, the great Internet Oracle,
} however, have taken pity on you and will now reveal what that great
} work of music really was. Here are the words:
}
}         We live in a material world
}         And I am a material girl.
}         [I-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-]
}         [splat]


961-03    (3kHs8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm trying to get to be omniscient like you.  Right know I think I know
> about half of everything, and I'm working on the other half.  Do you
> have any suggestions for me?  How did you get to be an Omniscient
> know-it-all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's quite simple actually. All you
}
} You owe the Oracle a


961-04    (27BL9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh enlightening Oracle, Wisest of the Wise, and Morecambest of the
> Morecambe,
>
> Presumably, being omniscient, you already know my question - so what is
> the answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, supplicant, your mind is somewhat unfocused.  It's like
} trying to read a dozen scrawlings written on the same dirty chalkboard.
} Nevertheless, I think I can help.
}
} For one thing, you'll need to get a higher powered telephoto lens, or
} see if you can get her water heater turned down a few degrees.  The
} remote control is under the left cushion, and yes, that stain on the
} couch is what you're afraid it is.  Your dog will get better as soon as
} you spring for some Alpo and stop with the ham and beans.  Don't worry
} about the calculus, it's mathematically impossible for you to pass that
} class now anyway.  About the monkey:  don't.  About the Camaro:  you
} can't.  About the brunette in the tight jeans:  she won't.  Also, it
} was your mother who didn't leave a message after you changed your
} answering machine, and yes, there's a reason she didn't send you money
} this month.  The rash will go away if you quit picking at it.  The body
} hair thing is for keeps.  There is a God.  Your newspaper isn't being
} stolen; you haven't paid your subscription up.  You haven't missed
} anything in Garfield or Dilbert.  Forget the haircut.  Read all the
} Riven hints you want, you'll never solve the river puzzle on your own.
} Don't put the Wal-Mart thing on your resume.  Actually, don't bother
} with your resume.  And finally, yes, your grovelling is still pathetic.
}  I think that about covers it.
}
} You owe the Oracle your next set of photos.  You can keep everything
} else.


961-05    (2cvFg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most marvelous at marketing, I have a great idea.  I'm going to
> start a restaurant like Hooters, except target it for the lucrative
> female market. The only problem is I can't think of a good name for it.
>  Can you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're looking at this all wrong. Think about your market... *think*!
} Sure, "Hooters" has been a success, but that's because all men are
} basically the same: They are only interested in one thing (well, two,
} if you want to be technical).
}
} Women, on the other hand, have a wider range of needs and interests.
} You'll need to open several chains, each geared to the particular mood
} of your women customers at the time.
}
} Here are some suggestions:
}
} HUGGERS     For those times when a woman just wants a man to cuddle her
}             and listen to her talk about *her* wants and needs. The
}             waiters should be dressed in flannel pajamas and a sensible
}             robe. When they bring the order to the table, the waiters
}             will be required to put an arm around the customer's
}             shoulders (and "copping a feel" will be grounds for
}             *instant* dismissal!) and say, in a low, manly voice, "You
}             seem to be tense... What's the matter? Do you want to talk
}             about it?"
}
} SHOOTERS    Sometimes, a woman wants a man who is macho... but without
}             being a jerk about it. A guy who knows how to change a
}             transmission, clear-cut the site for a vacation cabin in
}             the North Woods, who likes hunting (but doesn't bring home
}             dead things before they've been properly cut up and wrapped
}             in white, waxed paper) and can get the yard into shape in
}             the spring without making a Federal case out of it.
}             Confident, competent, yet caring. Waiters wear flannel
}             shirts, jeans, workboots and wide leather belts, all of
}             them clean and tasteful. *No* tobacco chewing!
}
} LOOTERS     Who doesn't like a little danger? Just so long as it isn't
}             *really* dangerous, of course. "Looters" will offer gangsta
}             rappers, long-hair long-distance truck drivers, militia
}             members, motorcycle gang members and, for the nostalgic,
}             James Dean lookalikes. They can sneer, snarl and make
}             (tasteful) lewd comments. But no slapping around broads or
}             use of the "w" (or is it "h"?) word.
}
} EARNERS     Getting waiters for this one is going to be a toughie.
}             Imagine a restaurant with waiters who are M.D.s, C.P.A.s,
}             dentists, corporate lawyers and investment bankers. They
}             have to be able to casually drop comments about their
}             mid-six-figure salaries, vacations in Bali and the 16-room
}             houses in Boston without seeming to be self-absorbed or
}             stuck-up about it. Still, if you can pull it off, this will
}             be an all-time money-maker.
}
} SNORERS     Women like to be able to look down on men who are complete
}             loosers. For a woman who just wants to feel superior,
}             "Snorers" will be *the* "in" place. Middle-aged, fat,
}             balding guys who got laid off as middle-management in the
}             papermaking industry, for example, would be perfect
}             waiters. Expect a lot of dinners to be returned to the
}             kitchen ("What? You call *this* a decently-cooked trout
}             fillet? My mother was right! You're a jerk! I should have
}             married Bernie!") but you can adjust your prices to take
}             that into consideration. Next to "Earners," "Snorers"
}             should be your biggest success.
}
} You owe the Oracle a business plan for an S&M-theme restaurant in
} Lynchburg, Virginia.


961-06    (5DAi4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whose face I'm not worthy to look at,
> Which came first the cigarette or cancer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   <puff>
}
}   Why, cancer, of course.  But it wasn't any fun before cigarettes.
}
}   <puff, puff>
}
} **  You owe the oracle a pack of Sompoerna Internationals.


961-07    (biBpb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is bill gates a queer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include STD_MISERABLE_SUPPLICANT_INSULTS
}
} Alas, miserable worm, your question became garbled as it travelled
} through space, time and the Laundromat, so that only a central
} unpunctuated snippet reached this Fount of All Wisdom.
}
} I sent Lisa out searching high and low for the beginning (the portion
} where you doubtless prostrated yourself in a frenzy of obeisance in
} realisation of your worthlessness in the face of such overawing
} numinosity, and then began your question) and the end (the portion
} which continues to the inevitable squiggly bit, "?"), along with any
} punctuation which also went missing along the way. She was
} spectacularly unsuccessful, and has been appropriately ZOTted for her
} ineptitude.
}
} However, I *am* the Oracle, so it takes no great effort on my part to
} deduce that your question was:
}
} > The British Chancellor has recently asserted that extra revenue could
} > be obtained for the European Economic Community by placing a tax on
} > devices used to restrict entrance or egress from gardens, football
} > grounds, parks and suchlike, similar in concept to the Window Tax
} > which used to be levied based on the number of glass windows a
} > property had. Do you not find this, given that the fundament of his
} > plan is "bill gates", a queer way for a Chancellor to run a Treasury?
}
} Au contraire, mon petit ver! I find this the kind of innovative
} thinking which has put Britain where she is today (still isolated from
} the rest of Europe physically, economically, ideologically and
} politically) and wish Mr Brown the best of luck in his initiative.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty Euros.


961-08    (3eDyc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most logical and lovely, if April showers bring May flowers,
> and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims, what do Pilgrims bring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pestilence, lawyers, guns, potato[e]s, Christianity, and goofy looking
} hats.
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle more land and a napkin.


961-09    (1dKwa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                         THE INTERNET ORACLE
}
}                            also known as
}                          The Usenet Oracle
}
} The Internet Oracle is available to answer all your questions, except
} anything relating to small woodland creatures. You may mail them to:
}
}                        oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} The "Subject:" of the message must be something like "Oracle Most Wise,
} please tell me ...".  Actually, it better be a whole lot better than
} that! Do you know how many questions I get with lame grovels like that?
} Capitalization does matter, after all, I am the supreme omnipotence on
} the Internet and *should* be addressed using capital letters. The body
} of the mail should contain only your question and an indication of you
} undying devotion to me. You should receive a reply within a few days at
} most, probably much sooner, unless I'm on vacation and Zadoc starts
} slacking off -- Damn, I keep forgetting that he left.  On second
} though, you may have to wait a while for a response.
}
} In the meantime, the Oracle may require that you answer a question for
} it as payment for its services.  ...and don't think this is the only
} payment. The Oracle is a busy deity and needs lots of necessities like
} tattered baseball cards, firstborn sons and tropical fruit drinks.  You
} will receive this question in the mail. You should respond with as most
} wise and witty an answer as you can, or the supplicant might actually
} catch on to this sham... er, marketing concept.  The body of your mail
} response should contain only your answer -- don't include the question
} itself, or I'll have Kinzler and a bunch of goons come over to your
} house to learn ya somethin'.
}
} Mailing the Oracle with the word "help" in the "Subject:" line will --
} Hey wait a minute!  That's not what you did!  Trying to confuse the
} Oracle, silly supplicant?  Expect a visit from Kinzler and some priests
} with some experience in the local penal system tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle another look at those pesky directions.


961-10    (6srx8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wondrous, mobile wizard of all knowledge, seer of sooths,
> ungooker of goobledies, master of mysteries,please elucidate for
> this unworthy one.
>
> whither thou goest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Things weren't looking up.  It wasn't so bad that Jack the Knife had
} his namesake to Lisa's throat, and Tiny MacGrail's hand gripping my
} neck didn't bother me at all.  I just figured out what was bothering
} me.
}
} "Oracle!" she screamed at me.  Jack was getting a little personal
} for the lady's taste.  I could understand that.  The blood would
} clash with her dress.  I decided that maybe it would be best to
} remedy the situation before Lisa's ensemble was ruined.  Besides.
} Tiny's laughing was getting on my nerves.
}
} Like they always were, the big guys, and they don't make 'em much
} bigger than Tiny, tend to be a little slow on the intake.  You could
} tell just by lookin' at him.  Some blood might have actually made
} his outfit go together better.
}
} His second mistake was leavin' my arms free, figuring that crushing my
} windpipe would slow me down.  His first mistake was the plaid jacket
} with the striped pants.  As for his hands, I'll admit.  I like air.
} Breathing's something of a habit in the off hours.  The windpipe bit
} was a nuisance.  But my hands were open, and that was his downfall.
} I grabbed his outstretched arm and used the leverage to flip up,
} kicking him in the face.  His grip loosened, and we both toppled to
} the ground.  Takin' a quick look at him, I figured he was out cold.
} Looked like I broke his nose, this time back into the right place.
} Well, 'least he'll be happy when he comes to.
}
} I turned around to see the knife pressed close to the lady's neck.
} I always liked the look of silver over a lady's throat, but this was
} something of a different situation.  "One step closer, detective,
} and the pretty woman's history!"  Another fairly standard line.
} I wondered if they didn't have thug classes before letting them go
} out to make my life difficult.
}
} "Oracle!" she screamed again.  Overall, I didn't see what she was
} so upset about.  The grease from hiding out in the garage already
} stained her outfit.  Blood wasn't going to make it much worse.
}
} "Stalemate, Jack.  Whaddya' want?"
}
} "Stay away from this, Oracle!  The boss doesn't want to have to
} rearrage your living room again!"  I hate that.  Stubbed my toe
} just last week when they shuffled the furniture around.  "So just
} watch yourself!  Find another broad to rescue."
}
} "Let 'er go, Jack.  Chief Jahweh told me they'd handle this case,
} anyway.  I just don't want to see the lady hurt.  I'll stay outta'
} the way."
}
} "Sure, detective.  Just remember that," he sneered.  A quick staredown
} took place before he threw the woman to the ground and raced off
} into the dark, probabaly to the docks, his favorite picking grounds.
} That's also where all the fog rolls in.  He hates doing scenes like
} this without it.
}
} I helped the lady to her feet.  "Come on, Lisa.  Tiny's pounding
} jogged my brain a bit, and I think I know what's been bothering me
} this whole time."  I turned and walked back to the car.
}
} "Hast thou solved the case, then?  Whither thou goest?" she pleadingly
} asked as she followed a step behind.
}
} "No.  We're going to the office.  I left the iron on."


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