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Internet Oracularities #962

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962, 962-01, 962-02, 962-03, 962-04, 962-05, 962-06, 962-07, 962-08, 962-09, 962-10


Internet Oracularities #962    (104 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 1997 16:15:01 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   962
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

962  104 votes asEk6 alyy5 1eIB8 5sRe4 3oIt4 2jzAc 37nDw 6zKf2 9yCbc 5ipAk
962   3.1 mean  2.8   3.0   3.4   2.8   3.1   3.4   3.9   2.7   2.8   3.5


962-01    (asEk6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is Hormel's most famous product, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Crazy Eddie" Hormel's most famous product was a line of childrens
} lunchtime meals inspired by Dr.Seuss.
}
} Green Eggs and Spam
} One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish Sticks
} Hop on Popsickles
} Fox in a Box (with fries and a drink)
} Horton eats a Whoburger
} Cajun Fried Catfish in the Hat
} Chocolate-coated Lorax (you need a thneed to wash that down with).
}
} You owe the Oracle a local franchise for "Oh, the Places You'll Go"
} Takeout.


962-02    (alyy5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 2b || !2b

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} void main(void)
} {
}     (2b || !2b);
} }
}
} syntax error : 'bad suffix on number'
} syntax error : missing ')' before identifier 'b'
} syntax error : 'bad suffix on number'
} syntax error : ')'
} 4 error(s), 0 warning(s)
}
} Uh oh, bad news for you.  Looks like it's definitely not meant 2b.
}
} You owe the Oracle your mortal coil.


962-03    (1eIB8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose brain cells outnumber the Green Bay Packers, please
> tell me:
>
> Why is it that, while an American football game lasts for exactly one
> hour (measured to the nearest second by the game clock), the television
> coverage of such a game lasts for three hours?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The scene:  The Oracular throne room.  The Internet Oracle sits,
} typing away at a keyboard, bathed in the green glow of a monochrome
} CRT.]
}
} ORACLE:  Hmm...  This is a good one...  Well, Supplicant,
}
} [A referee's whistle sounds.  Fade out and into:]
}
} [theme music]
}
} PERKY-ANNOUNCER-GIRL: Buy FlasGo, the cola that'll make you look like
} me!
}
} [fade back out, and into the Oracular chamber]
}
} ORACLE: the main problem
}
} [referee's whistle.  Fade out and into:]
}
} [Different theme music]
}
} MACHO-SPOKESMAN-GUY:  For a long hard day of workin' on the farm, you
}       need a REAL truck.  Which is why I don't drive a Geo.
}
} ANNOUNCER:  Friends don't let friends drive cars made out of Tupperware
}       (tm).
}
} [fade back out, and into the Oracular chamber]
}
} ORACLE: is the
}
} [Whistle.  Fade out and into:]
}
} [more theme music]
}
} [Pictures of gen-x kids doing positively obscene things for a simple
} bottle of soda that they can buy at any convenience store for $1.19]
}
} VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER: Amazing what advertisers think you'll fall for,
}       no? Drink Splurge.
}
} [Fade out and into the Oraclular chamber]
}
} ORACLE: %&@#$ advertisers!
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to the next Major League Soccer championship
} game.  Real football for real people.


962-04    (5sRe4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as of the date my Random House unabridged dictionary was
} published, "that" was, "a pronoun used to indicate a person, idea,
} thing, already mentioned... remote in time, place, or thought."  And I
} guess it still is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a method of lifting *that* dictionary without
} throwing his back out.


962-05    (3oIt4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose something is really something great, please
> tell me...
>
> I'm wanting to get in to domestic terrorism, and I heard that the
> Internet is the best place to find all sorts of fringe groups.  Can you
> tell me which ones are the best?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I think that the Afghan fringe groups are the best.  My auntie
} Delphi used to crochet large afghans, whilst waiting for supplicants,
} and she always put a fringe on them.  They were terrible, the fringes
} always falling off when we took them home.  Domestic terror for sure.
} You can't even begin to imagine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Galois group.


962-06    (2jzAc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Foaming Oracle, you know all the nautical prepositions that our English
> teachers didn't mention, like abaft, alongside, astern and aboard.
>
> I believe that I have received a nautical proposition.  A lady at the
> car wash where I work has suggested that I visit her father's boat.  I
> need to know if I should do this.
>
> You know what boat I'm talking about (because you're omniscient) even
> though I have not seen it.  I think that she said it is stored in the
> boatyard of a Mr. David Jones.  (She calls him "Davy"--I hope that's not
> a bad sign.)  She also refers to this boatyard as a "locker" but I don't
> know what the significance of that is.
>
> Should I go aboard her father's boat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Avast! Ye skinkin' Lubber, alter course, or heave to!
}         Tha's no Lady! She's out tae scuttle ye, an' leave yer
}         stoven bleach'd ribs tae tumble i' th' breakers.  Yon
}         Harpy's got a foul bottom, an' naught but misery in 'er
}         hold... Ye'd best stow that belayin' pin of yours, afore
}         it brings ye tae grief.
}
}         Come about, I say! an' show 'er yer wake. Gin she presses
}         ye, gie 'er a broadside!
}
}
}         You owe the Oracle a half-price coupon for the nearest
}         Sassy Spinnaker Dry Cleaners...there are parrot droppings
}         all down the back of my coat.


962-07    (37nDw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you give me a sign?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            _____________           _______________
}           |             |         |               |
}           | TRESPASSERS |         |  YOU OWE THE  |
}           |   WILL BE   |         | ORACLE A ROLL |
}           |   ZOTTED!   |         | OF RAZOR WIRE |
}           |_____________|         |_______________|
}                 | |                      | |
}                 | |                      | |
}                 |_|                      |_|


962-08    (6zKf2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Once again I need nautical information.  I have succeeded in furling
> the mizzenmast, striking the barnacle, and running up the binnacle.
> Now I need to find oarlocks for the oaracle.  I've looked abaft the
> poop deck and below the stern.  Where are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Follow the starboard gunwale to the forecastle.  Go through the
} deck hatch and follow the ladder down to the lowest compartment.
} Proceed through the passageway amidships until you find a hatch in the
} desk. Open the hatch and drop down into the bilge.  I think I left them
} there.
}
} If you don't find them there after swimming through the bilge, reverse
} your path back to topside and ask the boatswain's mate where the locker
} labelled "OARACLE OARLOCKS" is.
}
} When done, the Oracle requires you to ask the boatswain's mate when
} you're going to be able to transfer your next message to the email
} buoy.  "Boats" will fix you right up.


962-09    (9yCbc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> &)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ========================================================
} Geek Grovel decoder:
}
} Input Geek Grovel Code: &)
}
} Output:
} & = Stand on my face until my nose looks like an ampersand.
} ) = This will make me happy.
} ========================================================
} OK, g^ UO?


962-10    (5ipAk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most profound Oracle, whose memory is perfectly photographic (not
> to mention photogenic), please answer the question that everyone
> over 40 has been asking one another for the last 34 years:
>
> Where were you and what were you doing when you heard the President
> had been shot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Resting easily on a grassy knoll. Why do you ask?


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