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Internet Oracularities #964

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964, 964-01, 964-02, 964-03, 964-04, 964-05, 964-06, 964-07, 964-08, 964-09, 964-10


Internet Oracularities #964    (112 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:21:23 -0500 (EST)

@@@ The Internet Oracle -- a quarter million answers and counting!
@@@
@@@ Mark Stillwell <mstill@unf.edu> has just asked the Internet
@@@ Oracle its 250,000th question!  That makes for an average of
@@@ 84 questions answered per day, every day, for the past 8 years.
@@@ No rest for the omniscient, it seems.
@@@
@@@ On the occasion, Mark had to say, "Well, this has been a great
@@@ honor, and I'm sure that through continued effort and support
@@@ from people like me and everyone here, we can make sure that no
@@@ llamas ever go without bathing."
@@@
@@@ Congratulations, Orrie, may you be burdened with 250,000 more!

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   964
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

964  112 votes gssv9 euDm7 3lOrb apEt8 79rCv 3nCwg 9wwqd 9vyu8 5qRk8 3jxru
964   3.1 mean  2.9   2.8   3.2   3.0   3.7   3.3   3.0   3.0   3.0   3.6


964-01    (gssv9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, je demand une reponse.  Que veut dire ceci: "Pas de lieu Rhone
> que nous?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE:  Zadoc!  ZADOC!  Get your finger out of your ear and crawl over
}       here!
}
} ZADOC (crawling backwards towards the Oracular throne):  Master, I
}       cower before the might of your wisdom.  I tremble in awe of the
}       eminent authority of the slightest corner of your knowledge.  I
}       flee in anguish at the thought of comparing my miserable excuse
}       for an intellect to your brilliance.
}
} ORACLE (kicks Zadoc in the bum):  Shuttup and look at this question.
}
} ZADOC (reading question):  Oh my.  Oh dear.  That's not good at all.
}
} ORACLE:  Why not?
}
} ZADOC:  No grovel, your worshipful wiseness.
}
} ORACLE:  That, too.  What else?
}
} ZADOC:  It's in French?
}
} ORACLE:  I need amusement.  Translate it for me.
}
} ZADOC:  Uh ... I don't know that much French.
}
} ORACLE (taking out the Staff of ZOT):  Learn.
}
} ZADOC:  Uh ... yes sir, your sapient sirfulness.  Uh ... "Oracle, I
}       demand a response.  Whose dire foot is this:  'In lieu of the
}       Rhone take what?'"
}
} ORACLE (looking annoyed):  You suck.  (Raises Staff of ZOT to level
}       with Zadoc's head.  Zadoc ducks.  Oracle spins around, ZOTting
}       the terminal displaying the obnoxious French question.  Far away,
}       in darkest Quebec ...)
}
} PIERRE (charred, glowing):  Que le hell?!
}
} You owe the Oracle a French-to-Cthulhu dictionary.


964-02    (euDm7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi.  You're my only hope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use the Force, Luke - there's no other way to get the cap off the
} catsup.


964-03    (3lOrb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wondrous, mystical omniscient one, please help this less
> than worthy mortal out of a jam.
>
> Where are my car keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, *this* is an easy one. Your car keys are in your car.
}
} Unfortunately, your *car* was stolen and is being driven by "Colonel"
} Billy Bullen of the New Jersey Militia. He spotted your car, with the
} keys left in the ignition (you dolt!) last night, just about the time
} you were going to sleep.
}
} The bad news (yes, it gets worse), "Col." Bullen is on a Mission
} from George Washington, who speaks to Billy (particularly when,
} like last night, he's had at least 18 Rolling Rock beers and half
} a bottle of Old Grandad bourbon). Oh, yes, he also has a staggering
} methamphetamine habit.
}
} And 340 pounds of mining-grade dynamite, 140 1-lb cans of Hercules
} brand reloading gunpowder and 16 blasting caps. Oh, and a copy of the
} January 1972 issue of Playboy. The one with Liv Lindland as Playmate.
} A classic. But I digress.
}
} Apparently, George Washington told Billy to avenge him for what the
} Hessian mercenaries did to his troops during the terrible winter at
} Valley Forge.  It's too bad, really, that Washington used the common
} 18th-century expression "Dutch" for Germans (the English colonists
} could never seem to get "Deutsch" and "Dutch" straight). Anyway,
} Billy also has a street map of Washington, D.C. with a large, red
} circle drawn around the location of the Embassy of the Republic of
} the Netherlands.
}
} Expect a visit from the F.B.I. very soon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your up-coming autobiography, "I'm
} Innocent, I Tell You!" and a copy of the January 1972 issue of Playboy.


964-04    (apEt8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you really loved me, you would...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't think so.  Venetian blinds take too long to dust.
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty ways to leave your louver.


964-05    (79rCv dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, almighty, all-knowing, benificent, magnificent, but oh-so-nice
> Oracle, I need to know the answer to just _one_ simple question..
>
> Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my drive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} General Failure is the leader of the noble realm of Dahz, in its
} campaign against the tyranny of Wilhelm von Gates and his legions of
} terror, called the Wyndos.  The forces of Wyndos are currently
} merrymaking at the Ternet Inn after their great victory on the Mousepad
} Plains.  The time to strike is now, while the enemy is in disarray.
} They have insufficient resources to do anything; they're dropping
} packets (of peanuts) left and right while feasting on great hunks of
} spam, and cups of java for dessert.
}
} Your drive contains the strategies that will allow Failure to end the
} war once and for all.  Failure has read your drive, and after great
} analysis, he has narrowed his options to three.  Let's examine them.
}
} Aboat.  Take our troops to sea, and perform a surgical strike on the
} enemy's base at Red Mound, near the Sound of Puget.  This will be
} effective if and only if Wilhelm von Gates fails to get his Sail '95
} program operational.  Despite his failures in bay-ta testing on the
} high C:s, our spies indicate he will complete this plan before we can
} effectively mobilize our troops.  Also, the legions of Gates are widely
} spread; the Ternet Inn has a wide web, and a direct hit on one location
} may not disable them.
}
} Redry.  The Wyndos require great amounts of water; they insist on being
} cleaned regularly.  If we can keep them dry, denying them this
} privilege, we may weaken them enough to allow our troops to take them
} out easily. Unfortunately, Red Mound lies in a rather wet climate,
} making that task difficult.
}
} Fall.  The simplest plan is simply to knock von Gates himself out of
} his tower at Red Mound; the fall is sure to kill him.  Our arsenal of
} long-range rocket launchers, plasma guns, and BFGs is more than the
} forces of Wyndoes will ever have; they spell DOOM for the enemy, and
} will make them quake in their boots.  Without a leader, his troops will
} be easy prey, if they ever leave the Ternet Inn at all.  The downside
} to this plan is it will require all of our arsenal; if Gates' loyal
} assistant and yes-man, Paulo Lenn, takes the helm, there will be
} nothing to stop him from the complete and total obliteration of Dahz.
}
} General Failure has considered these options, but cannot make a
} decision; he is doomed to fail, and his drive will no longer be valid.
} Thus, he presents the decision to you.  You have the troops of Dahz at
} your disposal.  It is your choice; choose wisely.  (A)boat, (R)edry,
} (F)all?
}
} You owe the Oracle an Apple.


964-06    (3nCwg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most vegetationally vivacious one, if a prize-winning Idaho spud was
> awarded its own TV news analysis show, would it be offended at being
> called a commentator?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Oracle notes with bemused detachment that puns rarely translate
} into foreign languages, but is willing to sink to your level, just this
} once>
}
} Oh most vegatative supplicant!  I'm sure that you're trying hard to
} earn your celery, but if you carrot all about peas on earth, you will
} season desist with these planted lines.  Human beans can't kumquat
} close enough to more than barley approximate the almighty Oracle, I yam
} what I yam.
}
} Therefore, lettuce stop this caper now, before fear roots you to the
} spot; we shall cress any other bridge as it comes.
}
} You owe the Oracle some oil and vinegar.


964-07    (9wwqd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most glorious and really really cool Oracle.  Please tell me why
> it is that the grass is allways greener on the other side of the
> fence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no real difference.  They just spread a higher grade of
} bulls__t over there.
}
} you owe the Oracle a fertilizer with a high nitrogen content.


964-08    (9vyu8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thunderous Oracle, lightning-fast, stormy in thy wrath, and consumer
> with flames of tree-transporting rodents,
>
> How do Spam and Woodchuck compare, especially re. taste and nutritional
> value?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You ask me to compare 3 qualities of Spam and W-------ks!
} I will address only the first quality: Re (The 2d tone of the
} diatonic scale in solmization (as in "Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti")).
}
} The key (get it?) to getting a particular tone from a subbstance
} is finding the correct quantity of the said substance, so that
} when it is struck by a hard object it will resonate at the desired
} frequency.
}
} Let's do some empiracle observation, shall we?
}
} I've placed a can of spam on the table in front of me. Now I'll
} whack it with this baseball bat....
}
}          - @  = % < SPLAT > $ ( + =
}
} That wasn't very musical, but it was  the correct pitch (Get it?
} pitch/baseball bat! Ah, I crack myself up.).
}
} Now let's try a medium sized w-------k. Ok. Stand back....
}
}                     THUD!
}
} Ahh, very satisfying and musical (to my ears at least).  But,
} alas, the tone produced was more a Fa than a Re.  Let's try a
} larger W-------k.  Here goes....
}
}                     THANG!
}
} Mmm, that was good! But it sounded like a Me flat.  Let's try
} again....
}
}                     THONG!
}
} Oooh! Perfect.
} There you have it. The Re of a w-------k is a rich mellow THONG
} while the Re of SPAM is a discordant SPLAT.
}
} The Other qualities (taste and nutrition) I'll leave as an exercise
} for the supplicant.  You may make you observations while cleaning
} off my table.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 1812 Overture (orchestrated for w-------k,
} of course)!


964-09    (5qRk8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, whose voice is always melodious and whose movements are always
> lyrical:
>
> I'm incensed.  I have just had occasion to go traipsing through the
> Oracular archives, and I discovered that while there are
>
>       * 5 Oracularities mentioning bassoons,
>       * 5 Oracularities mentioning flutes,
>       * 3 Oracularities mentioning oboes, and
>       * 3 Oracularities mentioning clarinets,
>
> there are also AT LEAST
>
>       * 20 Oracularities mentioning pianos.
>
> This is an outrage!  There is no reason for there to be more mentions
> of pianos than all woodwinds put together, except for your irrational
> hatred of bassoons just because Zadoc happens to play one.  When are
> you going to rectify this situation?  (The lack of woodwinds in the
> digests, not Zadoc's bassoon-playing.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wind filled supplicant.
}
} Had you ever dropped a bassoon, flute, oboe or clarinet on a woodchuck
} and witnessed the lamentable inadequacy of the injuries inflicted you
} too would sing the praises of the piano.
}
} As for Zadoc's bassoon playing you owe the Oracle a years supply of
} industrial strength ear plugs.
}
} Oh, by the way, you appear to have overlooked at least twelve
} references to various wood wind instruments in my reply to a September
} 1996 inquiry on the best way to roast a symphony conductor.


964-10    (3jxru dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great descendant of Delphi, who knows exactly where he is
> and exactly where he's going, who is both a standing wave
> and a dangling particle, who not only understands the
> Copenhagen interpretation, but also choreographed the
> Copenhagen Interpretive Dance, a puzzling dilemma burns
> deeply into the rubber treadmarks of my soul.
>
> I have been reading about the 'double slit' experiment,
> which proves that photons can act like a wave.  It turns
> out that this experiment can be done with electrons instead
> of photons, and they act like a wave too.  It's even been
> done with whole atoms, which have electrons and protons
> and neutrons. (oh my!)  What I don't understand is where
> this whole wave thing stops.  We know that *we* don't act
> like waves, unless we're Green Bay fans with tickets.  If
> you shove rocks through the double slit experiment, you
> would get a different result.  But would molecules, being
> just a couple of atoms stuck together, act like a wave?
> What about really large molecules, like buckyballs? Or what
> about a few molecules stuck together, like fine dust? Or
> sand?  Or pebbles?  Or lemmings?  At what point do things
> start acting like Newton said they should?  And do you have
> any spare tickets to a Packers game?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It always heartens the Oracle when young people come asking queries
} about love.  You see, I am current conducting my own 'double slit'
} experiment with Lisa and a long Spanish sundress. I'll be sure to let
} you know the results when we're through.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... Oh, wait a minute.  You mean Young's 'double
} slit' experiment.  Quantum mechanics, eh? I took a course in Quantum
} Mechanics at Lincoln Tech, hang on there.. Quackery, Quadrophonic
} Sound, Quagmires in Babylon during the Second Dynasty, ah, here we are:
} Quantum Mechanics.
}
} So you want to know about the infamous duality principle.  The debate
} in those days went something like this:
}
} Democrites: All the things in nature, like this plate of kasseri
}           cheese, are made up of small chunky bits called 'atomos'.
} Aristotle:  I don't think so, fat boy!  Try Fire, Earth, Air,
}           and Water!
} Democrites: Step off, bud, or you'll get some of that first element
}           right in your face.
} Aristotle:  You want a piece of me?  You want a piece of me?
} Democrites: OPAA! <Whoosh>
}
} And hence Aristotle's eyebrows were singed, and Saganaki was born.
}
} Heisenberg: Herr Democrites, I have some bad news for you.
} Democrites: Pass the spanakopeta.
} Heisenberg: Look, old man, we didn't want to have to tell you this.
}             But matter is waves, not particles.
} Democrites: What? Get your kraut butt over here.
} Heisenberg: Hey! Let go! Oof! Your particle theory got stuck in my wave
}          theory!
} Democrites: And your wave theory got stuck in my particle theory!
} Neils Bohr: Two great tastes, taste great together!
}
} And thus quantum mechanics was created.
}
} But back to your question -- to sum it up, if I may: Does the duality
} principle hold for macroscopic objects -- ones larger than, say, the
} Spice Girls' brains?  And here we turn to the tale of Erwin
} Schrodinger.
}
} Schrodinger was a loner Quantum Mechanic.  Kept to himself, mostly --
} he was about 15 years older than all those young hotshots like Bohr,
} Heisenberg, and Favre.  Maybe this explains why he spent the rest of
} his days locking cats in small boxes and poisoning them in the
} "interest of science."  Anyhoo, the idea was that if you link a
} microscopic phenomena (alpha decay in tritium) to a macroscopic
} phenomena (felinicide), a probability waveform collapses, but what is
} far more likely is that you get 10 to 20 in Sing-Sing.  And so before
} this went on for too long, Schrodinger was playing the Physicist's
} Blues, and his results are lost to posterity.
}
} So in summary: modern science still doesn't know about that particular
} duality principle.  On the other hand, it has been proven it is
} impossible to be both a Chicago Bears fan and a Green Bay Packers fan.
} Results of experiments have shown that in addition to collapsing
} waveforms, the test subjects themselves have collapsed due to
} nearest-neighbor interactions.  I recommend you keep your cats safely
} locked in your basement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a non-Abelian gauge theory topped with bechamel
} sauce.


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