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Internet Oracularities #965

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Internet Oracularities #965    (95 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 16:09:06 -0500 (EST)

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   965
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

965   95 votes bsCd5 9vtk6 2mux8 9uBb8 7mxlc 2eqwl erug8 ogon8 4kAmd 3grBc
965   3.0 mean  2.7   2.8   3.2   2.8   3.1   3.6   2.8   2.7   3.2   3.4


965-01    (bsCd5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, he who knows the significance of the quantity 2.588 cords,
> tell me...
>
> We've got a problem here at the labs. (Yes, the same ones that did
> the thing with the indestructible mice. But we don't talk about
> that anymore.) Seems Dr. Choe was doing a genetic workup on one of
> our hedgehogs and found chloroplast activity in the skin. Needless to
> say, it gave a great explanation for why they hadn't eaten a thing in
> over a month, but the funny part is that we never noticed they were
> turning green. Is this of any practical use at all, or are we simply
> a biotech lab that just happens to have a couple of green hedgehogs?
>
> Incidentally, we've already considered the "living ChiaPet" thing,
> and we don't think it will work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all, the Green hedgehog (also known as the Mossy hedgehog)
} has been in existence even longer than the Leafy Mammoth or the
} Sabre-Thorned Tiger. You, supplicant, have merely been lucky in
} attaining a specimen of this very rare creature. let me tell you of
} its origins:
}
} In about 3200BC, right around the time when people finally decided
} that the pyramids were actually useless, there was a small hedgehog who
} had managed to attain a modicum of intelligent thought. This hedgehog,
} whom we shall refer to as Ede, was living in a small secluded forest
} on the slopes of what is now called Mt.Rushmore, and was eating some
} nuts when this happened. The thought process went something like this:
}       "hmmm... this nut tastes good, I think I'll give it a name...
} how about... Wall... yes, thats a good name."
}       <the next part has been censored since it involves the hedgehog
} discovering selective genetics and the associated processes of
} reproduction, and we dont want to give the elephants any ideas now,
} do we.>
}       "alright, since we've managed to build this society, my fellow
} hedgehogs, it is time for us to sally forth and claim what is
} rightly ours"
}
} Following the establishment of their society, the hedgehogs finally
} came across humans, which they considered to be just another savage
} animal.  Unfortunately, the entire hedgehog population was severely
} struck by a disease that had mutated from the common cold (they called
} it the 'big yellow'), and the only way that Ed found that they could
} survive was by applying their knowledge of genetics to altering their
} genetic structure to incorporate plants, so that they combination of
} the 2 would create a whole new form of organism that would only be
} subject to its own set of diseases. The  experiment was less sucessful
} than expected, since plants are not particularly intelligent, and
} pretty soon the mossy hedgehog was reduced to watching old sitcoms.
}
} Be that as it may, what I suggest you do with your hedgehog is remove
} the chloroplasts, get it back on a regular diet of Nuts and Gravy,
} give it a T-Square, some pencils, and a large feather muff, and see
} what happens.  You may be surprised.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Watercress Duck.


965-02    (9vtk6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Oracle most physically unchallenged,
>
>       if the fact that a moving line charge produces different fields
> in different reference frames (according to special relativity)
> can be used to deduce the existence of a magnetic field, what does
> the analogous problem (a moving linear mass) suggest about the
> gravitational field, and why don't they teach it in undergraduate
> physics courses?
>
>       You owe the Supplicant a textbook answer, with references.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Your question is an intriguing and erudite one.  It is obvious that
} you are quite au fait with the work of Einstein et al, yet lack their
} somewhat gifted insight into the scientific, provable world we
} inhabit (J. Redfern, 1992).  Perhaps you should look beyond physical,
} empircal proof and adopt a more mystic explanation.  There is no
} doubting that the moving line charge will produce different fields
} with regard to different reference frames.  This is a metaphysical
} fact evident throughout numerous texts and experiments.
}
} Phenomenographic interpretations would interpret your questions
} however.  As would a psychological.
}
} The psychological interpretation would re-examine the very meaning of
} your question, if not your existence.  It would determine from your
} expression "O Oracle" that infact you do not subscribe to social
} norms - you are a renegade, a loose cannon.  The accepted spelling of
} O is Oh.  You are unafraid to break new ground.  You beat a new path
} instead of following the track of others.  Your parents (of which you
} had two) allowed you to age considerably before toilet training you.
} You are somewhat artistic by the wording of your question and are a
} veritable savant of style.  You have a good turn of phrase which
} would suggest you were raised in an if not equalitarian, matriarchial
} household.  This upbringing was however influenced by the evil
} dollar.  This is starkly obvious by your use of the word "they" in
} reference to academia.  The lures of the dollar provide for a
} divisive, seggregated society - an us against them mentality if you
} like.  It may pay for you to ask yourself what is your meaning of
} existence.  Having discovered this, if you deem it necessary you will
} embark on a course of self education and self determination.  You
} shall seek knowledge not from others, but from higher echelons of
} thought within yourself.  Perhaps you will become the Svengali of
} science, but this is not for someone as humble and ignorant as I to
} speculate on.
}
} Finally, your spurious use of the word "deduce" suggests that you are
} a male, or have strong ties to the male demeanour.  You are proud,
} but would enjoy several sexual partners throughout your lifetime.
} You feel the need to procreate.  You are important and feel the need
} to provide as many of your offspring to the world as you can.
}
} For this answer you owe the Oracle a long, tall glass of Bacardi and
} pineapple juice.  The pineapple juice must be fresh and
} unadulterated, and please be liberal with the Bacardi.  Also, you
} must garnish the drink with a fresh chunk of pineapple, protruding
} from which should be a half opened cocktail unbrella.  The Oracle
} does not discriminate with colour.
}
} References
}
} J.Redfern, The Celestine Prophecy, 1992 Publisher unrecallable (i'm
} at Uni at the moment)
}
} N. Phlegm, Phenomenography, 1997
}
} The complete cocktail guide
}
} Excerpts from Freudian psychology


965-03    (2mux8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most mighty!
> Whose name is listed on every Eudora "Nicknames" file!
> Who is bundled with every O/S ever conceived!
> Whose Staff of Zot causes all to tremble!
> Who can beat B*ll G*t*s (cursed be his name!) to a bloody pulp anytime
>         he feels like it!
> Whose radiance blinds any poor mortal who looks upon him!
> Whose wisdom is infinite!
> Who sees all!
> Who hears all!
> Who smells all!
> Who tastes all!
> Who feels all!
> Who knows all!
> Who tells all!
> Who thinks all!
> Who reads all!
> Who eats all!
> Who walks all over!
> Who dares all!
> Who, who, who... hoo! I've run out of grovels...
> I, a groveling supplicant, a mere worm, a speck of filth in the
> gutters of time, an unworthy piece of trash who does not deserve to
> be curb-stomped by your glorious sandles, please tell me...
>
> Recently, you blessed me and my monitor by demanding that I answer a
> question from another supplicant. The problem is, well, the question
> seemed *serious*. I mean, the supplicant seemed to be truely questing
> after eternal truths, not just screwing around on his employer's time.
> So, I, er, well...  I answered it seriously.
>
> Can you ever forgive me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  You dare imply that I'm screwing around on my employer's time?
} That's immoral.  Every e-mail we send is serious.  Everything we
} do is serious.  This is a serious dialog.  I'm very serious.  Okay,
} they've stopped looking.  You almost blew my cover.  Shame on you.
} Oops..  yes, I'm still serious.


965-04    (9uBb8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most superlative, help this meek mortal.
>
> Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a day when we mortals gather to give thanks
> to a deity for our blessings, pig out on too much food, and fall asleep
> watching 97 football games.  How does an immortal, such as yourself,
> spend the day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On Thanksindians (Thanks, Indians!) I grab an overfed, diseased,
} hormone-stuffed turkey that I've kept in a cramped box for several
} months, and put her out of her misery by killing her. Then I give
} thanks to myself for not being a turkey.  I ZOT the deceased bird at
} about 425 degrees for 2 hours, and serve it to obese people whose
} arteries are miniature sewage dumps. Then I give thanks to myself
} for not being a sewage dump.
}
} You owe the Oracle 20 million more turkeys, and a thousand HMOs.


965-05    (7mxlc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle,
> How *does* one go about making a deal with the devil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some times you can make a deal with the devil without even knowing it.
} For instance: The Picture of Dorian Grey.
}
} Some times you make a deal knowing exactly what your getting your
} self into. For instance: Reading the license agreement for a Microsoft
} product before opening the envelope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for IE4.0.


965-06    (2eqwl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?tuo teg I nac woh ,em llet esaelP  !retupmoc siht edisni deppart m'I
> !pleH

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               THROUGH THE LOOKING-MONITOR
}                 (A Novel in four Parts)
}                            *
}
}    Chronicling the Tribulations of a hapless Supplicant,
}
} Mysteriously trapped within his Computer and inverted in the
}
}            Process, and how he escaped them.
}                            *
}
}                   (Part the Fourth)
}
}               Wherein our bumbling Hero,
}
} Having escaped to the Shell and learn to type in the proper Direction,
}
}   (Having only typed the wrong Way before because of his Ignorance)
}
}        discovers the true Nature of his Imprisonment,
}
}             and is at last set free of it.
}
}       IV.
}       "Perhaps now I can have at the meaning of this awkward state of
} mine," said the Supplicant to himself.
}       One benefit of being trapped in one's computer is the instant
} accessibility of online documentation;  the Supplicant, though normally
} as clueless as your everyday MacUser when it came to Unix machines, and
} quite bewildered by being sucked into one without warning, had full
} knowledge of every command.
}       "spacetime(1)%", said the Shell;  and to this, the Supplicant
} responded "exit^M".
}       From the shell: "Can not exit master shell.  Universe is
} bounded.^M^Lspacetime(2)%"
}       At first, the Supplicant was struck by a great fear, for he could
} not escape the shell.  A moment's thought, however, led him to the
} exhilirating understanding that he, in the master shell, was nearly
} omnipotent;  he was trapped only in the great Universe, which was like
} not being trapped at all.  He set about immediately to learn what was
} going on:
}       "ps^M", he typed, but soon realized that this was useless;  there
} were simply too many natural processes for one simple Supplicant to
} understand.  "ps|grep -i 'Supplicant'" was next;  in the midst of the
} stream of dozens of processes, he spotted
}
} "89908236418235987514239762431023408715923401..." [the number ran on
} for some time] "...83  pts/+inf  T  0:00 humanitas/supplicant -noclue
} -name=" and his name, and "-creationdate=" and his birthday.
}       That was it!  The process representing his earthly life was
} merely suspended!  Glorious!
}
}       The Supplicant wondered how it might have happenned.  A bit of
} research amidst the documentation suggested that he might have pressed
} "^Z", or some similar combination, and suspended his own process
} inadvertantly.
}
}       Though he longed to see what wrongs might be righted with the
} power of the master shell (login unspeakable, password untypeable, if
} the theologians are to be belived), the Supplicant was even more deeply
} compelled to return home to his beloved Lisa (as he had named his toy
} computer, in pathetic hope of impressing other Supplicants with his
} similarity to the Oracle);  he pictured to himself the icon that must
} now be marring her luminous display:
}
}                _______
}               |       |
}               | O   O |
}               |  ___  |
}               | /   \ |
}                \-----/
}
}       The pity of it all moved him to tears, and he typed "fg^M" to
} return to his former life.
}
}       And so, in the end, did our Supplicant return to his simple life
} of old, pointing and clicking well into his old age, when he died in
} ignorant bliss, having quickly forgotten all he had learned from the
} manpages, as all lUsers do.  He never again escaped to the shell;  and
} never did he change the world as he had hoped, not even executing "rm
} -rf software.companies/microsoft", which would, perhaps, have been the
} greatest single command he might have entered.  This is all a dreadful
} shame, which is why *you* must not make the same mistake.
}
}       Don't waste this opportunity, Supplicant.  Before you go, take
} the moment's effort to save geekkind.  And if Microsoft's still around
} when you resume normal operation, well, ...
}       ...let's just say you'll have a "zot -9" coming to you.
}
}       You owe the Oracle just this *one* little favor.


965-07    (erug8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Your Syntax is above and beyond the logical confinements of my feeble
> brain.
>
> Wich window will it be today ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Rear one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rifle and two tickets to a Hitchcock festival.


965-08    (ogon8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it just me...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


965-09    (4kAmd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, please, Oh Wise One...
>
> Why do my joints make so much noise now that I'm growing older?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's always a chance that your hearing is improving as you grow
} older, thus allowing you to hear the contraction of the tendons and
} muscles in your joints and making them seem louder.
}
} Yeah, right.
}
} The real reason your joints are creaking so much is that you are
} building up what is called synovial fluid in your joints.  The older
} you get, the more synovial fluid builds up in your joints; until the
} point where the pressure becomes too great, your joints will explode,
} and your appendages will be hurled forth from your body with tremendous
} velocity.
}
} This will happen at a moment you may least expect it, probably when you
} are out to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant.  Your left arm will
} soar across the room and strike a large man named Guido, who will
} promptly threaten to rip your legs off if you throw anything else at
} him.  When you point out that your legs cannot be ripped off, and are
} in fact draped over a nice young couple's bruschetta, Guido will
} proceed to simply beat you up (after all, nobody likes a wise-ass).
}
} Other diners will be so distressed at your unsightly appearance that
} they will not be able to finish their meals.  In fact, some of them may
} have to seek counseling.  Expect a class-action suit to be filed
} against you.
}
} You can look forward to a good deal of rehashing the old "guy with no
} arms and no legs" jokes:
}
} What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
} Art. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in front of
} a door?  Matt.  etc, etc, ad infinitum.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Ben-Gay and some duct-tape.


965-10    (3grBc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, witty, and wonderful, tell me this:
> Why haven't there been any real attempts to decipher the
> language of the Rice Krispies?  Surely a race of beings
> with so much to say could teach us something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I thought it was obvious that "snap! crackle! pop!" translates as
} "Please have mercy on us, please don't eat us, have a proper meal
} instead!"
}
} Anyway, Kellogg's Security is notorious for its efficiency in dealing
} with communication attempts.  Not only do they have tiny edible
} cameras, microphones and radio transmitters in every box of Rice
} Krispies, but they also mix in brainwashed undercover Rice Krispies
} with tiny edible nuclear warheads, conditioned to detonate their
} warheads at the first signs of incoming communication.
}
} As you would expect, several promising but unsuspecting young linguists
} have died in mysterious laboratory accidents over the years.  On top of
} that, hundreds of innocent kids who imitated the Rice Krispies language
} too accurately for their own good, have been vaporized in a minuscule
} flash of pure energy.  You can imagine the grief of a mother finding
} a mushroom cloud and some radioactive rubble on the very spot her
} child was happily having a breakfast a moment ago.  Kellogg's Secret
} Service has managed to put the blame on each and every one of these
} incidents to various cereal killers.  It's a nasty world out there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice and tasty vitamin-fortified breakfast.


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