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Internet Oracularities #966

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Internet Oracularities #966    (102 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 19:26:15 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   966
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

966  102 votes 4hrK8 7oEo7 55vDm 6dmBo 4oDr8 6hFt9 5iptp 2izyd 5mxx9 97kuA
966   3.4 mean  3.4   3.0   3.7   3.6   3.1   3.2   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.8


966-01    (4hrK8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle...who believes women are as equal as men...please tell me..
>
> Sometimes being a woman, I am taken advantage of at the repair
> place where I get my car fixed... I took it in last week for an
> oil change and I was told my blinker fluid needed to be replaced
> and the gaskets changed... the price was $350.00.  So I went ahead
> and had them do the work but I can't help wondering if they
> over charged me for the blinker fluid...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I'm afraid that $350.00 is about right. That's what you have to
} expect if you have a car with power blinkers. Remember, you have four
} blinkers, plus the hazard lights. That's not only a lot of fluid, but
} lots of gaskets as well. If you had manual (or "standard") blinkers,
} the bill would probably have only run $100.00 or $150.00, but, then,
} you'd have to keep moving the turn signal knob to make the continuous
} blinking.
}
} What bothers me is that the mechanics obviously didn't check the radio
} batteries and refill the kerosene in the heater. Both of those usually
} have to be done about the time blinker fluid needs to be topped up.
} Sure, it's another $750.00, but you want to have your radio and heater
} work, don't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Orrie's Car Repair. It's on Gratiot, just
} north of 10 Mile Road. Bring cash. Lots of cash.


966-02    (7oEo7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather empty.  Help spice
> !!! things up for everyone and do tellme's instead of askme's.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want spice?  I'll give you spice!
}
} Okay, you asked for it. . .
}
}                       *       *       *
}
} Announcer: It's time** once again for HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ORRIE!
}
}               (thunderous (if canned) applause)
}
} Announcer: And here's your host-for-the-day, Zadoc Lawrence!
}
}                              (thunderous silence)
}
} Zadoc: Hi.  I'm Zadoc.  I'm filling in for my Most Grand and Exalted
}       Master today because our guests today are the Spice Girls, and My
}       Wonder of Wonders, and Oracle of Oracles, whose taste is as
}       impeccable as Woody Woodpecker, was not about to sully his Divine
}       and Elegant Hands, or Eyes, or Mouth, by associating with,
}       looking at, or talking to such creatures.  So I'd just like to
}       say that it's a great honour to be here, and to get to attempt to
}       fill in for The One for Whom No One Can Fill In, and to bask in
}       the glory of--
}
} Announcer: Get on with it, Zadoc.
}
}                     (thunderous applause)
}
} Zadoc: But I'm not yet through snivelling about the greatness of my most
}       Supreme and Mighty Ubermensch!
}
} Announcer: I'm sure he's satisfied.
}
} Zadoc: It's true that he his a Most Humble and Gracious Master.  But I--
}
} Announcer: No buts, Zadoc.  It's time to meet our guests.
}
} Zadoc (blanching): But I--
}
} Announcer: And here, ladies and gentlemen, are THE SPICE GIRLS!
}
}                    (thunderous applause)
}
} Zadoc: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Please, Master, have pity!  I know it's you up in
}       the announcer booth, come to watch me writhe in agony!  So I ran
}       off with Lisa!  *That's* not a big deal. . .you do it all the
}       time!  The punishment doesn't fit the crime!
}
} Vapid Spice Girl: Hi, Zaydoak!
}
} Inane Spice Girl: Yo, Zaddie!
}
} Vacuous Spice Girl: How's the ZAD?!?
}
} Fatuous Spice Girl: 'Ello, Zadoc!
}
} Addlepated Spice Girl: Don't you have a more. . .dashing older brother?
}
} Zadoc: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs screaming from the studio)
}
}                       *       *       *
}
} Okay, supplicant, so you won't get much spice today.  But then, I have
} to spice things up for everyone, so you couldn't have expected that
} you'd  get much per capita.  But then, I suppose I'll have to forcibly
} expose  *all* my foolish little supplicants to the Spice Girls to do
} that.  MU HA HA HA!
}
} Oh!  Is that your doorbell I hear?  You'd best go answer it.  Have fun,
} mortal.
}
}                       *       *       *
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel and a decent musical ensemble--the
}       Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, say.
}
}                       *       *       *
}
} ** No, supplicant, I'm not going to stoop so low as to say "it's thyme
}       once again."  I'm not Richard Wilson, after all.


966-03    (55vDm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is more vast than that of a  snow globe.
>
> What would life be like, if Christmas occurred 365 days a year.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Year
} (1)     Everybody moves back in with parents or grandparents to avoid
}         impossible travel expenses--suicide rates soar, birthrates
}         decline;
} Year
} (2)     Temporary economic boom (centered on retail sales, and
}         artificial snow futures) fizzles when non-Christian,
}         trinket-producing nations take over the global economy;
} Year
} (3)     Inflation reaches staggering proportions: everyone working on
}         Christmas gets time-and-a-half, a postage stamp costs $17.23;
} Year
} (4)     Folks so sick of Elves that a Flak Jacket becomes THE cherished
}         fashion item for short people;
} Year
} (5)     The last copy of "It's a Wonderful Life" is located and
}         destroyed by a delirious, chanting mob;
} Year
} (6)     Persons named Mary, Marie, Nicholas, Klaus, etc. are universally
}         shunned, Bing Crosby's grave desecrated for 11th time;
} Year
} (7)     The only remaining Postal Worker constructs 3-story fortress
}         using undelivered fruit cakes and catalogs -- it collapses and
}         kills her;
} Year
} (8)     Pine Trees and Spruces and Firs (Oh MY!) declared extinct in the
}         Western hemisphere;
} Year
} (9)     Constitutional Amendment outlawing Salvation Army bellringing
}         is passed unanimously by every state legislature;
} Year
} (10)    Craig Shergold, the kid with cancer, e-mails just about everyone
}         to say: "Enough cards, already".
}
}         You owe the Oracle a half pound of Raindeer Jerky.


966-04    (6dmBo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
> That started from a tropic simulation on a chip
> The mate was a miserable little worm, the skipper was all-seeing
> Five supplicants sent mail that day to an omniscient being,
>     an omniscient being
> The routers started getting rough, the packets all were tossed
> If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Tellme would be lost,
>     the Tellme would be lost
> The mail arrived at the shore of this uncharted digital isle
> With Zadoc, the Oracle too
> The Bill-ionaire and his wife
> The movie star
> The professor and Lisa Ann
> Here on Zadoc's Isle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (We see Zadoc, whistling and walking down a tropical path, as the last
}  of the credits roll.)
} Directed by:          The Internet Oracle
} Gaffer:               What's a gaffer?
} Special Guest Star:   Jean-Paul Sartre
}
} Cut to the Gate's hut, complete with two door bamboo garage.
} Zadoc:  Hi Mr. Gates.
} Gates:  Howell, my boy, call me Mr. Howell.  Especially if anyone from
}         the IRS happens to ask.  (laugh track) How are you my boy, did
}         you bring my golf bag?
} Zadoc:  Oh, sure Mr. Howell.  Boy, I sure do have a lot of work to do.
} Gates:  Zadoc, my boy, you must work smart, not hard!  Why, my coconut
}         3.1 will do half your work for you!
} Zadoc:  Really, Mr. Howell?  Oh, wow, I wish I had a coconut 3 point
}         thing, I really do.
} Gates:  I tell you what, If you'll do half my work, I'll give it to
}         you.
} Zadoc:  Oh, wow, thanks Mr. Howell!  (takes coconut.  Looks at it,
}         shakes it.)  Uh, It's not working, Mr. Howell.
} Gates:  Really?  Well, half of my chores are done, so it worked for me.
}         (laugh track)  But you can't worry about that now, Zadoc,
}         you've got work to do!  Off you go!
} Zadoc:  But, butbut, but...  Oh gee, I gotta go. (laugh track)
}
} Cut to the professor and Ginger, at the observation post.
} Ginger: Look, Professor! A banana!
} Prof:   No, Ginger, I'm just happy to see you.  But look, out there!
}         It's a boat!  It's coming towards shore!
} (A wet man in one of those funny french hats walks into camera view)
} Prof:   Why, it's Jean-Paul Sartre, founder of the existentialism move-
}         ment.  It's a good thing I speak french.  Bon jour, je
}         m'appelle Proffeseur.
} Jean:   Uh, what?  Make sense, you pompous ass.
} Prof:   Oh, certainly.  We are very glad to see you.  We seem to be
}         stuck on this island, and would be very glad if you could give
}         us a ride to the nearest port.
} Jean:   Oh, man, my agent is SO fired.  Who is this lovely young thing
}         your with?
} Ginger: Oh, hi, I'm Ging-
} Jean:   Ginger!  Oh man, I'm a huge fan.  Oh wow, you were in "The Loin
}         King"!  Remember that scene where-
} Ginger: YES! Yes, I'm always glad to meet a fan.  Hey, can you get us
}         off this island, you handsome man?
} Jean:   What, now?  I just got here.  I wanna rest a little.  Unless
}         you want to...
} Ginger: Let's introduce him to the others, Professor.
}
} Cut to hut interior, with Oracle swinging in the hammock.  Lisa Ann
} runs in, closely followed by Zadoc.
} Oracle: Lisa, my love, I've been- oh.  Hi Zadoc.
} Zadoc:  Oh come on, Lisa Ann, this coconut will do half your work.  Hi
}         Skipper.
} Lisa:   Look, Zadoc, I've already got two coconuts, and I don't need
}         another one.
} Oracle: Tell you what, Zadoc, I'll sell you my coconut 95.  It'll do
}         three quarters of your work. All you have to do is all my work.
} (Ginger, the Professor, and Jean-Paul enter.)
} Ginger: Look everyone-
} Oracle, Zadoc, and Professor: Ooooh.  Aaaah.
} Ginger: No, look, this is Jean-Paul, and he has a bout that can take us
}         home.
} Lisa:   YAY!
} Zadoc:  YAY!
} Oracle: boo.
} Zadoc:  I'll go get Mr. and Ms. Howell (exits)
} Prof:   What do you mean boo?
} Oracle: Why would I want to leave?  I haven't had this long a vacation
}         since the mail server blew up.  (polishing his staff)  Power
}         surges do funny things.
} Lisa:   Well, I for one am dying to get off this island.  It's awful
}         here.  It's like we're stuck in an empty room for eternity,
}         constantly torturing each other.
} Jean:   Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back.
} Prof:   I don't think it's really that bad.  Of course a small peer
}         group like this is going to have a lot of friction, but-
} Zadoc:  I'm back with the Howells.  Hey, where's Jean-Paul?
} Oracle: DOH!
}
} Cut to cast, sitting around radio.
} Lisa    (to Zadoc)   :I can't believe he left without us, and based his
}                       play on our plight.
} Zadoc (to Professor) :I can't believe you can't fix a stupid hole in a
}                       boat.
} Professor (to Ginger):I can't believe that Star Trek: Voyager stole our
}                       premise.
} Oracle(to supplicant):I can't believe you made me do this stupid
}                       parody.
}
} You owe the Oracle another week on the island.  I've almost got Lisa
} to agree to help Ginger reproduce that scene in 'Humpback of Nota Dame'


966-05    (4oDr8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, please answer me this.  I often hear
> the first line of a poem:
>
>       There once was a man from Nantucket...
>
> But the teller is then sushed up by other people
> in the room.  How does the rest of the poem go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your confusion arises from your perception of this as the first
} line of the poem.  In actuality, the phrase that puzzles you spans the
} first two lines of one of Edgar Allen Poe's early attempts at haiku:
}
}       There once was a man
}       From Nantucket - Curs'd was he
}       As was his family
}
}       Of course, these haikus were mediocre at best, and most Poe
} scholars prefer not to have them mentioned.  Despite the mediocrity of
} these poems, however, some good came from them.  Later in life, Poe
} successfully pilfered these haiku for ideas for some of his best works.
} The above haiku, for instance, transformed into "The Fall of the House
} of Usher."  The haiku
}
}       Fire is almost out
}       The raven squawks and cackles
}       Lenore is distant
}
} gave us the work we know today as "The Raven."
}
}       From the reaction your friends are giving to the recitation of
} Poe's haiku, it is obvious that you seem to hang around quite a few
} people who have devoted their life to the study of Edgar Allen Poe, and
} do not wish to be reminded of these "inferior works."  If this is so, I
} have a few suggestions to make:
}       Firstly, you might wish to leave the English Department once in a
} while.  Get some air.  Listen to some rock music.  Watch "Seinfeld" or
} "Friends."  The fact that you seem to have discovered the Internet is a
} promising sign - I may still be able to turn you away from becoming a
} literary scholar and towards becoming an normal, productive,
} brain-numbed member of society.  Write me back in a month or so, and
} we'll see how it's going.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Free Verse of William Shakespeare"
} (unabridged version.)


966-06    (6hFt9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mellifluous, majestic, multi-homed, multi-threaded, mighty, meaty,
> masterful, malleable, molybdmantic Oracle.
>
> How can I tell if my current relationship (less than 2 months after
> the last one) is serious or just a rebound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Girlfriend:
}
} As a general rule, *any* current relationship that happens less than 2
} months after the last one is a rebound.  The one consistent exception
} is when the duration of the last relationship was shorter than the
} intervening time period.  A few other helpful indicators:
}
} If you notice his wonderful qualities, it's serious.
} If you only notice those qualities which compare favorably to your
} ex's, it's rebound.
}
} If you think he's the greatest guy you have ever met, it's serious.
} If you think he's a marginally better alternative to spending Saturday
} nights alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and "A Room with a View" on
} video, it's rebound.
}
} If you met him when you were walking your dog at the park, it's
} serious. If you met him when your best friend fixed you up on a blind
} date with one of her brother's drinking buddies in a desperate attempt
} to get your mind off your messy breakup with your ex, it's rebound.
}
} If you enjoy going to new places with him on dates, it's serious.
} If you carefully plan your dates to go to places where you think your
} ex might see the two of you together, it's rebound.
}
} If your girlfriends all tell you that they want to meet him so they can
} give their approval, it's serious.
} If your girlfriends continue to try to fix you up with other guys, it's
} rebound.
}
} If he wants you to meet his parents, it's serious.
} If he tells you that he can't see you this weekend because it's his
} turn to have the kids and he doesn't think that they can handle him
} having a girlfriend, it's rebound.
}
} Good luck, and happy hunting.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding.  Doesn't matter which
} one.


966-07    (5iptp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Master Oracle,
>
> When I buy a 10 cent candy bar, I only
> get 1/10th of what I expect to get. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Su
} say that
} used to
} investme
} At first
} air bubb
} fraction
} 3 Musket
} cardboar
} shrank e
} trays al
}
} And that
}
} You owe


966-08    (2izyd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > Oh Mighty Oracle, Sage of Scooby, Doyen of Doo.
>
>  May I be presumptuous and ask more than one question at a time??
>  (Doh there goes one question already), it's just certain things have
>  been troubling me for a while now, I'm loosing sleep over it.
>
>  1. Why did Scooby Doo ever let Scrappy doo in on the deal?
>
>  2. What is it in Scooby Snacks that makes Scooby prefer them over
>  Shaggys special sandwiches? Are they addictive?
>
>  3. How come Scrappy can talk and Scooby can't? (is it psychoactive
>  drugs in the Scooby Snacks if so where do you buy them?)
>
>  4. Why do Scooby and Shaggy always end up together even though they
>  are the biggest cowards and always end up in the kitchen where they
>  are invariably accosted by the ghost/monster/guy in a rubber mask?
>  Surely it would be easier to just stake out the kitchen??
>
>  5. Why don't they just go down to the local novelty shop and see who
>  has bought rubber masks lately?
>
>  6. Why does Thelma always loose her glasses?
>
>  7. Just what is it about Daphne that makes her soo damned hot??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impertinence, indeed!  That was seven questions.  However, your grovel
} was acceptable, and your payment will be commensurate with the answer.
}
} 1. It's always wise to have a young puppy around to distract the
}    monster while you make your getaway.
}
} 2. Methamphetamine.  Yes.
}
} 3. Scrappy had the same voice trainer as Whitney Houston.  Scooby had
}    the same voice trainer as Barbara Walters.
}
} 4. Scooby and Shaggy always end up together, sometimes with Thelma when
}    they split up.  Scooby, Shaggy and Thelma always check out the
}    kitchen, while Fred and Daphne check out the bedroom.  Frankly, I
}    think Fred should be powering up on Scooby snacks ahead of time.
}
} 5. The novelty shop owner usually ends up being one of the crooks in
}    these episodes.
}
} 6. Because it would be really tasteless to have Daphne losing her
}    dress.
}
} 7. Looks, style, wit, and brains?  She's got it all... no, wait...
}    Well, one out of four isn't bad.  My personal theory: a lot of guys
}    have a thing for redheads.  Her hair is a little closer to traffic
}    barrel orange, but no one's perfect.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber mask, a Chop Suey dinner, a Casey Casem
} autographed shirt like Shaggy used to wear, a van caught in a paint
} factory explosion, and a scooby snack.  Lisa and I have to check
} something out.


966-09    (5mxx9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most pious, impervious purveyor of perfection; thou pleroma of
> power; promoter of perspicuity and philanthropy; peruser of praise and
> prostration; and perpetrator of poor puns, and, er... no, pitch that
> last one.
>
> How many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
> Is it possible to pick peppers which were previously pickled?
> Perhaps Peter purloined a peck of previously picked pickled peppers!
> Or was it Peter who was pickled, opposed to the peppers, thereby
> perverting the plot?
> Possibly Peter picked the peppers planning to pickle them post-haste?
> Was this, perchance, the same Piper who spirited away our progeny in a
> parody of a parade when we wouldn't pay him for ridding our province of
> pests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                PIPER
}
}                             A new film
}                           by Oliver Stone
}
} In this powerful portrayal, Oliver Stone uncovers another pestilence of
} propaganda, exposing the popular preconception of the Peter Piper plot
} as a perfectly paranoid promotion.  Who was Peter Piper?  How could
} public view of his painful past have been prevented?  And what were the
} possible truths behind his passionately pickled peppers?
}
} In the tradition of JFK, Nixon, and any other public persona purposely
} proposed to be part of some paranoid plot, now the private parts of the
} Piper story can be made public.  Perpetrate a peek at a playhouse near
} you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some paper towels and a fresh bottle of screen
} cleaner.


966-10    (97kuA dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og get message! Og told by Or-a-kle that Og get digested!
>
> Og not want be digested! Og father be digested by big lizard! Og father
> big pile of lizard poop! Og not want be digested! That hurt Og!
>
> How Og stop Or-a-kle Priests from digesting Og in future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thag here.  Oracle say Thag prob'ly not mess up Og question too bad.
}
} Thag not see Og bash head with rock.  Thag not see Og throw dirt on
} head. Thag say, Og hit self with spiky club until eyes go black.  Thag
} answer Og question anyway.  Thag nice guy.  Thag feel bad for Og
} father.
}
} Thag present Top Many Way Og Not Get Digested.
}
} Many) Og grovel better.  Og not get zot, priests get bored.
} Many) Og ask stupid question, not funny.  This one easy.
} Many) Og send question "beavis".  Thag not know either, but it work.
} Many) Og get Aborigine On-Line account.
} Many) Og tell Oracle Og name "B1FF".
} Some) Og ask boring question.
} Some) Og go back, use Neanderthal spelling.
} Few) Og not make list.  Priests like lists.  Thag take big risk for Og
}      here.
} Two) Og stay far from box-with-pictures.  Priests geeks.  Like box-with-
}      pictures question.
}
} And number one way Og not get digested:
}
} One) Og ask Oracle woodchuck question.  Not get digested.  Get zot
}      though.
}
} Og owe Thag many giant lizard.  Thag like get digested.


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