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Internet Oracularities #968

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Internet Oracularities #968    (86 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 1998 08:33:21 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   968
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

968   86 votes 5glsg 3lyk8 fjmn7 09jyo 2hqpg frjfa fsoa9 9gqob cowf3 4kpqb
968   3.1 mean  3.4   3.1   2.9   3.8   3.4   2.7   2.7   3.1   2.7   3.2


968-01    (5glsg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rob Deucy is on deck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bridge crew of the SpamShip, "Unknown Host" leapt to attention
} as Admiral Deucy strode forward. His penetrating gaze swept across
} them while the seconds ticked away. With an abrupt nod, he settled
} into the command chair.
}
} "Gentlemen, we are about to embark on our most audacious mission
} yet." There was a gentle susurrus of noise as earpieces translated
} his words into B1FF and HTML for those who didn't speak plaintext.
} "Today's target is none other than The Internet Oracle himself!"
} After a moment for translation, a babble of voices broke out on the
} bridge. The Admiral waited for it to quiet.
}
} "As you know, the Oracle's obscure gateway protocols serve as a
} highly effective first line of defence. His habit of tracking down
} and randomising the accounts of those who penetrate further has
} discouraged most from tackling it, despite the potentials. However,
} a source close to the Oracle has revealed various details that mean
} we can now tailor our SpaMissiles to avoid such a fate. This ship
} and it's consorts, "Permanent Fatal Errors" and "Address Not Found"
} have been fitted with the new state-of-the-art TellMe missiles,
} complete with auto-grovelling and subliminal circuits." The
} Admirals voice rose triumphantly. "Soon, soon, the last bastion of
} News/Mail wisdom will be all ours!"
}
} If the Admiral was expecting an outburst of cheers, he was
} disappointed. They had heard similar speeches too many times, then
} watched helplessly as accounts spiralled down to /dev/null, their
} contents scrambled beyond hope of recovery. Still, at least they
} hadn't shot him out of hand.
}
} All too quickly the SpamFleet arrived on the fringes of the
} indiana.edu system. The Admiral ordered the new missiles to be
} loaded, but before he could give the fire orders, all the consoles
} on the bridge flickered and reformed to reveal a single, ageless
} face - The Oracle.
}
} "Did you really think you'd get away with this? I _am_ omniscient,
} you know." The Oracle sighed. "Still, an example must be made, I
} guess. Sayonara, suckers!"
}
} The bridgecrew whimpered as the screens returned to normal,
} revealing that the innocent-seeming inodes they had been floating
} past had unhidden their symbolic links and were revealed as MegaZot
} class AccountKillers. There wasn't even time to save a backup
} before their connections were terminated in a blaze of fire.
}
} The Oracle switched the AccountKillers to standby as he leaned back
} in his chair. Now that threat was out of the way, it was back to
} the dayjob. He read the next question in the queue.
}
} >  Rob Deucy is on deck.
}
} Thanks for the warning, supplicant, but I already knew.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hard disk crash at cyberpromo.com.
}
} [This Incarnation wishes to thank talk.bizarre's Boy Mozart for
} the basic premise here]


968-02    (3lyk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose Fluids are pink and who knows what is why and why
> is that... Please tell me:
>
> What did they mean "Dork side of the Moon" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently you heard the song incorrectly.  The lyrics are actually
} "Meet me on the park slide, De LaRue," on obvious if somewhat strained
} reference to 20th century surrealist Bob De LaRue.  Park slides were
} often depicted in De LaRue's work, often with sharp razor blades in the
} middle slicing happy children in half as they slid down.
}
} This disturbingly violent image enraged and disgusted De LaRue's
} primary rival, surrealist Salvador Dali (and we all know how
} competitive those surrealists are).  Dali was so put out by De LaRue
} that he actually abandoned painting for a while and pursued a career on
} the stage (who could forget "Hello, Dali?").  Meanwhile, De LaRue,
} seeing that he had driven another artist to musicals, swore to Dali
} that he would give up his bloody slide paintings if Dali would come
} back to "real" art.  This arrangement between the two men (who became
} fast friends until De LaRue's abrupt death 4 months later in a bizarre
} mishap with a squeegee) is symbolized in the song "Meet me on the park
} slide, De LaRue;" and is made somewhat more ironic by the fact that
} Dali's melting clocks inspired the song "Time" shortly thereafter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pink Floyd box set and a melting clock.


968-03    (fjmn7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Liebes Orakel, ich moechte die Antwort finden.  Meine Grovel ist tief
> und unmoeglich.  Auch meine Frage.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Das Orakel ist nicht fuer luserpoken und fragefraggen!  Ist easy
} aufpissen der Priesthood, goosen der Woodchuck, und screwen-uppen mit
} Fritzenzotten!  Ist nicht fuer gebuggen bei das Dumkopfen!  Das
} rubbernecken Supplikanten keepen das cotton-picken Hands im Pockets
} muss; relaxen und watch der Newsfroup!


968-04    (09jyo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DearOralemostwisepleasetellme...
>
> Look, I'm sorry to rush this, but the IRS, BATF, IRS, CIA, INS, IMF and
> CFR agents (not to mention the black helicopters) are at my front door.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        ENTERTAINING FEDERAL AGENTS
}                           with MARTHA STEWART
}
} Hello, I'm Martha Stewart, welcome to my answer.  Our good friend The
} Internet Oracle is not able to answer your question right now, and so
} he has asked me to try to help.  Let's take a look at your situation,
} shall we?
}
} Entertaining large groups of Federal agents is always a bit of a
} challenge, especially when we're pressed for time.  Of course, it's
} always best to be prepared for visitors.  You should have a neatly
} trimmed and freshly painted entryway, with a large Welcome mat and
} perhaps some cut flowers.  A wooden rocking chair on the porch adds a
} homey touch of camouflage.
}
} When Federal agents are expected, I like to take a little time
} beforehand and knit a large Plywood Cozy for each window to catch some
} of the broken glass.  Don't forget to save the shards!  They can be
} dyed later and arranged into a stunning stained glass mosaic.
}
} For autumn, have plenty of hot mulled cider ready.  Not only is it
} healthy and aromatic, it's better than water for extinguishing fires!
} If your electricity is sabotaged, use your supply of flares in tasteful
} candle holders.
}
} Finally, don't be afraid to think creatively.  Although many people
} think of large-caliber bullets as merely a nuisance, they can be
} recovered and used as decorative accessories and paper weights, or
} hammered into distinctive buttons.  With a little brown paint, a smoke
} grenade can also be fashioned into a quaint pineapple arrangement!
}
} As always, remember to be courteous and kind, and just relax and be
} yourself.  It takes only a small extra effort to be remembered for your
} own unique style of entertaining.  Enjoy!
}
} You owe the Oracle a throw rug woven from yellow "Police Line" tape.


968-05    (2hqpg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and ingenious Oracle...
>
> He who could move rivers by simply thinking about it. He who could
> change the entire shape of the known (and unknown universe) just by
> stirring his coffee. He who could alter reality in a way impercievable
> to all. He who can stand watching all of "Days of our Lives" in one
> sitting, hark and hear my plea for mercy from the question which binds
> me thus...
>
> As I near my 30th birthday, I have all sorts of pondering questions
> about life. Such as "Why are we here?", "What's my purpose in life?"
> and "Does anything metaphorically 'matter' anymore?". However, these
> are not my questions, as they are tangible ones that I can safely
> define as being beyond the need for comprehension at the moment. My
> question, the one which truely stumbles my mind, which racks my brain
> and drains the very life out of me for fear of the answer, but must,
> however, be answered, is...
>
> What is that white stuff that they put in the middle of Oreo's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I regret to inform you that the answer you seek is really quite
} boring.  It's various fat solids mixed with --LOTS-- of sugar.
}
}       However, since you did have such a wonderful grovel (something
} I've seen far too few of these days), I'll let you in on another little
} secret about the cookie: Why they call them Oreo.
}
}       You might naturally think they are some sort of inside reference
} to my nickname "Orrie", but it's actually more interesting than that.
} You see, once upon a time this baker decided to take a vacation and go
} fishing in Washington State.  He knew of a huge lake that was great for
} bass.  So he took his trusty rowboat and rowed out to a small island in
} the middle of the lake so he wouldn't get motion sickness rocking in
} that boat all day.
}
}       Well, as you probably could guess, disaster struck.  About twenty
} feet away from the island, the boat sprang two really big leaks and
} sank like a rock (I mean, he had a cooler full of beer and sandwiches
} in there!).  The baker was able to drag himself and the cooler onto the
} island, but he knew the lake was far too big to swim back to the
} mainland.
}
}       The baker realized he had to send up some sort of signal flares
} so the local rangers would know he was stranded, and decided he should
} build a bonfire on the island so they would know where he was.  Since
} he didn't have a shovel to dig a pit to burn in, and he knew that he'd
} get fined for starting an uncontrolled fire no matter how much danger
} he was in, he would have to build a ring out of the many flat rocks
} that littered the island's shore.
}
}       Everything went well until he tried to build it more than one
} stone high.  The lake had been very populous that summer, what with all
} the Californians coming up to jet-ski, so all the rocks were covered
} with oil and slime.
}
}       It looked hopeless for our hero baker, but then, as Fate would
} have it, a lone robin flew overhead, and decided it needed to poop
} right on top of one of the rocks on the fire ring.  The baker had a
} silly notion that it might act like mortar on the slippery rocks, so he
} tried placing a rock on top of the recently befouled one.  Miraculously
} enough, it worked like a charm.  More miraculously yet, he noticed that
} the robin was one of many who were headed south for the winter, and in
} a matter of minutes, both he and the rocks were nicely coated with
} globs of bird poop.
}
}       Half an hour later, the ring was built, the fire was lit, the
} signal flares went up, and our hero the baker was airlifted safely back
} to the mainland.  After a quick shower, he drove home with the memories
} of the birds' fateful bathroom break still quite vivid in his mind.  He
} knew he would want to tell all his friends and family about it, and
} being the artistic sort that he was, decided to recreate the whole
} adventure in baked goods.  He made an island shaped cake with a
} pumpernickel beer cooler, and made the fire ring out of flat chocolate
} cookies iced together.
}
}       Well, the party itself was kind of boring, but everyone raved
} over the iced-cookie fire ring.  Being the astute businessman he was,
} our hero baker decided he should sell those cookies and icing on a
} regular basis, and furthermore, that they should be sold in a
} sandwich-looking manner, as an eternal reminder of his vacation
} adventures.  Now all that was left was to give this new concoction a
} name.
}
}       Our baker was really fond of acronyms, so he played around with
} some.  Flat rock, bird poop, flat rock = FRBPFR.  Hmmm.  That wouldn't
} work, since there aren't any vowels in it.  Flat rock, bird excreta,
} flat rock = FRBEFR.  That at least had a vowel in it, but was kind of
} hard to say.  Flat rock, robin excrement, flat rock = FRREFR.  That was
} much better, but still sounded like something a drunk guy would yell.
} Then it hit him - instead of saying "flat rock", he should use a
} picture of the flat rock; an O.
}
}       O + robin excrement + O = OreO.  And the rest is history.
}
}       Now, wasn't that a....hey!  You!  *kick*  You listen when I'm
} talking to you!  Jeez, only 30 and you doze like a geezer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a list of the top ten possible acronyms for
} "snickerdoodle".


968-06    (frjfa dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *********************READ THIS!***************************
>
> No, this isn't one of those "Make Money Fa$t" messages! This isn't
> about Macronesian International Driving Licenses! This isn't even about
> how to buy a Pentium IV chip for only $1.99!
>
> ************************IT'S BETTER THAN THAT!***************
>
> This is about how you can contact your OWN PERSONAL
> PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Not sure what decision to make? Having trouble at work? Is the love of
> your life spurning you? Want to know how to deal with those rude
> drivers on your commute to the job?
>
> **************************HERE'S YOUR ANSWER!************************
>
> Simply reply to this message with the word "pyschosis" in the subject
> field and we'll send you FULL DETAILS on how to contact YOUR OWN
> PERSONAL PSYCHOTIC!!!!!!!!!
>
> Our select team of psychotics will be able to help you deal with all
> the little problems of day-to-day life in the modern world. With a
> simple phone call, you'll get advice on:
>
>         - stalking an ex-loved one
>         - ranting in public
>         - dealing with postal workers ON THEIR OWN TERMS!
>         - making telephone calls to radio talk shows
>         - roof-top sniping
>         - getting back at all those people who have held you down for
>           your entire life!
>
> DON'T DELAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  REPLY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> Must be over 18 and bi-polar.
> For entertainment purposes only.
> Void where prohibited by the men in black suits who are always watching
> you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From Oracle@center.of.universe.com  Tue Dec 16 08:42:33 1997
} Return-Path: <Oracle@nospam.center.of.universe.com>
} Date: Tue, 16 Dec 1997 10:37:59 -0500 (EST)
} From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@center.of.universe.com>
} Subject: Re: Answer #Qa26380, the Oracle requires an answer to this
}       question.
} To: Worthless seeker of knowledge <scum@wanna.knowda.trutha.gov>
}
} Remove


968-07    (fsoa9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Hello there ,  Please tell me : What is time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          17:53   (  here in Russia)


968-08    (9gqob dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O masterifrivorubiquitious Oracle,
>
> What did they mean "Dork side of the Moon"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pathetic geeks are in the lab
} Pathetic geeks are in the lab
} They're playing "Quake" and hacking "Perl" and "C"
} Got to keep the cola flowing free
}
} Pathetic geeks are in the house
} Pathetic geeks are in my house
} The paper trays are spilling docos on the floor
} And every day the FSF writes more
}
} And if your script terminates many lines too soon
} And if compilers trample on your stack
} And if your disk overflows with 8 Meg coredumps too
} I'll see you on the dork side of the moon
}
} Six hundred lines of crufty code
} Six hundred lines of crufty code
} You mount the disk, you parse the list
} You crash and burn until I'm pissed
} You hog the core
} And threaten sanity
} Someone could maintain this code, but it ain't me
}
} And if your newsfeed dumps some spam into your spool
} And if you write in COBOL like a fool
} And if your boss says "Make it run on Win NT"
} I'll see you on the dork side of the moon
}
} You owe the oracle a rare red vinyl copy of the 1979 album "Pink
} Floyd's Very Yiddish Hanukkah."


968-09    (cowf3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, great and wise, master of discriminating between good and bad
> literature,
>
> When will the next digest appear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to create a digest, it is necessary to have intelligent
} questions and their answers (which, of course, are always
} intelligent). So, the answer to your question, if your question
} is an example, is:
}
} Not Soon.
}
} You owe The Oracle A Few Good Supplicants.


968-10    (4kpqb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh scintillating oracle, whose cocktail parties are legendary, whose
> canapes never fail to astound, who can make a perfect Tom Collins
> from miscellaneous houshold detergents:
>
> My youngest daughter is engaged to a direct male-line descendent
> of Ghengis Khan. George is a lovely boy, and my husband and I are
> very happy for them. There is just one small problem. I offered to
> host a little soiree at the summer house so that the families could
> meet, etc. Well, on our side, we've got about 13, with Gran, Ron and
> Marie and the kids, and Bob's sisters. George gave me his invite list,
> and it includes a retinue of 50 close relatives and blood-brothers,
> six companies of pikemen, four companies of mounted archers and half
> a division of light infantry, for a total of 2000 men and nearly
> 400 ponies.
>
> Needless to say, I'm a bit overwhelmed, and I need some party hints
> fast:
>
> 1) What's the most cost effective way to feed a horde? Semi-formal
> dinner, or just cocktails and hors d'ouvres?
>
> 2) The groom's father indicated that he was looking forward to
> "Drinking warm blood from the skulls of my enemies." I am not familiar
> with the details of this Mongol custom. Could you offer some insight?
>
> 3) What permits do I need to get in order to quarter a force this
> size on Nantucket?
>
> Oracle, you're a lifesaver. That bitch Martha Stuart won't return
> my calls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle replies:
}
} 1) Do the coctails thing.  It's hard to find good sit-down dinnerwear
} to match rotting skulls, broken bones with marrow flowing, etc.
} Also, try to provide a few live specimins that they may have the
} pleasure of utterly destroying themselvs.  Food always tastes better
} when it's earned.
}
} 2) Oh, this is an easy one.  Find about six or seven of the co-workers
} that you hate most, invite them over (tell them all to wear something
} like a red carnation), and tell the father of the groom anyone with
} this decoration is fair game.  It'll save you money since you won't
} need to buy coctail wieners, and you won't have to deal with these
} idiots again.
}
} 3)  Just a few gun permits, and permits for cerimonial killings.
} That should suffice.


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