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Internet Oracularities #969

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969, 969-01, 969-02, 969-03, 969-04, 969-05, 969-06, 969-07, 969-08, 969-09, 969-10


Internet Oracularities #969    (78 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 4 Jan 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   969
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

969   78 votes 7kve6 6ayk8 26npm 26pA9 ginf6 4lxi2 37tqd 8pub4 4nxc6 gkhi7
969   3.1 mean  2.9   3.2   3.8   3.6   2.7   2.9   3.5   2.7   2.9   2.7


969-01    (7kve6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why are there floatation devices under airplane seats, and not
> parachutes??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is simple,
}
} Parachuting out of a jet in the wrong place would cause you to get
} sucked into the jet engine intake.  It's messy and the mechanics hate
} it.  You'd be amazed at how powerful the airline mechanics' union is.
}
} You owe the Oracle round-trip bus tickets to Miami.


969-02    (6ayk8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are "conquer" and "concur" homonyms and if so, why have a 'q'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              "CONQUER" AND "CONCUR" ARE HOMONYMS!
}
} The Enquirer has learned that famed verbs "Conquer" and "Concur"
} are linked in a hot homonymical relationship.  Both words have been
} linked with other words in the past.  "Conquer"'s well known affair
} with "Divide" was a showy public display of torrid abandon (who can
} forget their kinky sexual saga outlined in last year's "She Stoops to
} Conquer", still available in back issues), but that couple seems to
} be broken up for good.  Meanwhile, "Concur", best known for recent
} affirmations of solitude and self-satisfaction in "I, Concur", has
} been spotted recently in repeated close company with "Conquer".
} Sources say the two, who shared a common beginning as "cons",
} have even begun to sound alike.  In the opinion of some linguists,
} "Conquer"'s habit of expressing the middle consonant with a 'q'
} represents not only a repressed desire to be close to "Concur",
} but also a flamboyant flick of the wrist to the rules of homonymity.
} Where will this relationship lead?  Stay with us -- inquiring minds
} want to know!
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise not to believe everything you read.


969-03    (26npm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose intelligence is beyond measure, whose
> knowledge is boundless, whose wrath toward B*ll G*t*s knows know limit,
> who is our one and only hope to ever be rid of those damn w**dch*cks,
> whose feet a pathetic supplicant such as myself is unworthy to lick,
> whose ZOT-ing is always judicious and fair, who never makes the coffee
> too strong or too weak, who always knows whodunnit, whose actions
> are the very definition of moral correctness, whose very being is
> a presence to blind all who see him, who could solve the world's
> problems in the blink of an eye (except that the world would be so
> boring then), who is capable of understanding Frank Zappa but happens
> to have more discriminating taste, who could effortlessly tune Big
> Ben's one note that's a half step flat, who already knows who will
> win the 1998 World Cup in France and the 2002 World Cup in Japan,
> who surely had a good reason for letting the Twins decide to leave
> Minnesota, who always has a pleasant odor about him which would make
> any cologne manufacturer millions if s/he could only reproduce it,
> who can conjugate irregular Italian verbs in the subjunctive, who could
> crack a 2048-bit PGP key in his head and read the encoded message from
> the screen, whose pencils are never dull and whose pens never run out
> of ink, who can visualize an arbitrary number of spatial dimensions
> (to say nothing of moving through them without needing Dramamine),
> who is capable of articulating the elusive quantum nature of gravity,
> in short, truly the Most Funky Being in the Universe....
>
> ...please deign to answer a small question for this humble and
> pathetic supplicant, who is a worm beneath your feet, who has the
> mental capacities of a slug, the social graces of a rabid hyena, and
> the entertainment value of a withered petunia.  I am a bug in your
> code, a fly in your soup (as well as the annoying waiter who doesn't
> care), I am the gook between the keys of your keyboard, and the gunk
> that keeps your mouse from working correctly.  I am the mold on your
> week-old cheese, the carbonation gone out of your carbonated beverages.
> O Great One, I cannot debase myself enough in your presence.
>
> Please, O Oracle, answer me this question:
>
> When will... wait a minute, no, he already did.
>
> Ummm....Why does... no, that's not it either.
>
> Uhhhhh.... Where did I... no, I found that.  Hmmm.
>
> Darnit.  After all that grovelling, I can't remember the question.
> Oh, well, sorry to have wasted your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh! *Nice* grovel! I mean, a really, really, *really* good grovel!
} In fact, you are the:
}
} *****WINNER OF THE ORACLE GROVEL PRIZE OF 1997!!!!!!!!!*****
}
} You, groveling supplicant, have won the Oracle Grovel Prize of 1997!
} You are awarded:
}
}         - $1,327,004.06 (in Swedish Kroners)
}         - a lifetime supply of Turle Wax ("wax all the turles you
}                 want!")
}         - the soul of any atheist you want!
}         - the entire profits of Micorsoft during 1998!
}         - a free website *!*!*AND*!*!* free e-mail for a year!
}         - the ability to *Zot* the SPAMMer of your choice (and what
}                 will you choose? The ***EARN MONEY FAST*** SPAM or the
}                 +++XXX HOT GIRLS WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU+++ SPAM?)
}         - the Complete Frank Zappa CD set! (Including "Billy the
}           Moutain"!)
}         - the new line of "Oracle!", the new cologne!
}         - the soul of Bill Gates ("Strech it! Pull it! Tie it into
}                 knots!")
}         - a PGP code that will drive the NSA crazy!
}         - a new brand of Dramamine that will make you really, really
}                 and I mean *really* stoned!
}         - the ability to drive all French people out of Paris during
}                 the New Year's celebration!
}         - the right to (*shudder*) ask the Oracle the w**dch*ck
}                 question WITHOUT BEING ZOTTED!
}         - two free pitchers of marguaritas in Cheyenne, Wyoming!
}         - a Springfield BM-59 7.62 NATO fully-automatic assualt rifle!
}         - a mouse de-gunger!
}         - and... a Tickle-Me-Funcy-Being Doll!!!!!!!!
}
} You, the supplicant-of-supplicants have won the Major Award!!!
}
} CONGRATULATIONS!
}
} Oh, and by the way, the answer to the question you forgot was:
}
}         "Yes... and no. The man of your dreams is a guy in the
}          Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Acutally, he dreams about
}          you often, too. In fact, last night he dreamt about you
}          for several hours. The only problem is... he's a moose.
}          But don't worry about that; that's a speciesist hang-up
}          you have. He's a *good* moose, a kind moose. He would be
}          a kind and loving husband. Also, he'd be a good kisser.
}          Trust me on this one."
}
} You owe the Oracle another really good grovel like that one. I *needed*
} a grovel like that one!


969-04    (26pA9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, strong and virile,
>
> What is myrrh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Myrrh is a type of funeral balm, used in the Middle East for centuries
} for the burial rites.  It was very expensive - thus its importance in
} the tale of the birth of Jesus.  All three of the gifts brought by the
} wise men were among the most valuable items available at the time -
} gold, frankincense (a kind of incense; again, very expensive), and
} myrrh.
}
} Not exactly the kind of gifts you would expect someone to bring to a
} baby shower -
}
} Wise Man #1: "I brought the baby gold!"
} Mary: "Not very practical, but we'll buy him some nice things with it.
} Thanks."
} Wise Man #2: "I brought stinky burning stuff for the child!"
} Mary: "Uh-huh.  Er, thanks, I think."
} Wise Man #3: "Here ya go, I brought the kid some embalming fluid!"
} Mary: "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
} Joseph: "Why the hell do they call you guys *wise* men, anyway?"
}
} You owe the Oracle some decent gifts for Christmas.  Gold is good.


969-05    (ginf6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, no, not that one.  The -other- one!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, the Super Hyper Accentuated Gyro-stabilised Grande-vitesse
} Extra Destruction staff of Zot? You wouldn't rather have a rap on
} the knuckles with a 12" ruler? OK supplicant, your choice .....<*ZOT*>.
}
} (No grovel, no question - No mercy)


969-06    (4lxi2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, there seems to be a tradition in the engineering
> industry of taking people out to lunch on their last day when they
> quit.  How did this tradition arise?  Are companies actually trying
> to reward people for resigning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Once, in the olden days, a resigning employee left with the imprint
} of his ex-boss firmly imprinted upon his backside.  Today, however,
} the legions of management have developed subtler, more insidious
} methods such treating an exiting employee to lunch.  This practice
} simultaneously gives the quitting employee a pang of guilt ("Gosh,
} they're not so bad after all") and increases his chance for a heart
} attack (most restaurants serve high-fat, artery-clogging foods).  Thus,
} the employees new company receives a worker that waxes nostalgic for
} the "good old company" and hovers on the brink of cardiac arrest.
} The original company both exacts revenge and sabotages its competitor.


969-07    (37tqd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, please tell me why they say programming in java is
> good if my computer dies whenever I pour coffee into it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It does?  Really?
}
} Apparently you don't have a Java-compatible computer.  Personally, I
} use a Dell Brewmaster 4000, with a 36-speed percolator and a 21" (19.7"
} viewable) pot.  You should get one - it's really powerful - it keeps
} you up all night programming.  I've been up for 45 hours now, and I
} feel great.  Really.  Make the computer stop brewing.  Please.
}
} You owe the Oracle some NyQuil.


969-08    (8pub4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The four kids were there by the broken glass when
> Ron ran out. "Who did it?" he cried.
>         "Not me," John told him. "It was Pete."
>         "It wasn't Pete at all," said Sam. "John did it."
>         Peter grinned. "Well, it wasn't me, and Ann didn't
> do it either," he declared.
>         Ann just said nothing, since Peter said she didn't
> do it.
>         In fact each boy made one true statement and one false.
> One of the four was GUILTY!!
>
> Q: so which one??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The real truth of it is, while Sam may seem suspicious, it was none of
} them.  It was, in all reality, Col. Mustard, in the billiard room, with
} the lead pipe.
}
} You owe the Oracle some silver-free solder.


969-09    (4nxc6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be this summer ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sun will shine. The grass will grow. Children will get out of
} school and burn down each others lemonade stands. Adults will still
} work.  Pools will open. That guy down the street will 'THINK' about
} taking down his christmas lights. Fireworks will be launched around
} the midddle of summer. People will flock to new movies involving
} new actors in old plots, with explosions and skimpy thong bikinis.
} The republicans will blame the democrats for ruining this nation.
} The demorcrats will ask for more money to continue doing it. The heat
} will be intolerable everywhere except gnome alaska. People will get
} tan lines (what? you say you never do? I am backing away from you
} carefuly). Michigan will get a whole month of construction before it
} snows again. A documentary on yaks and penguins will rock the world
} as we know it.
}
} And that my friend is but a small sampling of what will be in this
} coming summer.
}
} You owe the oracle a glass of lemonade, three tons of sand, a cd of
} wave noises, and a heat lamp.


969-10    (gkhi7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> --
> Senior Computing Specialist
> School of Nursing
> University of Washington

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Demoted to Junior Computing Generalist, Washington State.


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