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Internet Oracularities #97

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97, 97-01, 97-02, 97-03, 97-04, 97-05, 97-06, 97-07, 97-08, 97-09, 97-10


Usenet Oracularities #97
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Jan 90 05:50:51 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


97-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this Lisa?  How can I make contact with her?  I think she's
> either my soul mate or oversoul of overlord or underdog or corporeal
> psychic silicon confidant from Omicron VII.
>
> I must know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa is none of these things.  Lisa is really the assistant librarian at
} the Mudland Hills School District Central Library.  She is 5'9" tall,
} has long black hair, and never shaves her legs or her armpits.  She logs
} onto the network from the library's public access terminal.
}
} Lisa is doing her master's thesis on sexual attitudes and
} wish-fulfillment of insecure male populations in the 19-25 age group.
} The network is a prime source of these people, and the number of men
} drooling over the latest news of the net.sex.goddess shows that Lisa
} picked the right population to do her study on.  All of you geeks
} wearing out your right hand while reading the computer screen will get a
} letter from Lisa when her thesis is complete, thanking you for your
} participation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cold shower and a silk hankerchief.  Be sure to
} wash the hanky first.


97-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would a love poem in Lisp look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Actually, believe it or not, _all_ poems are fully executable Lisp
} programs, despite the lack of parentheses.  They use commands and
} routines that you won't find in any Lisp manual or tutorial.  These
} commands are incredibly powerful, and allow the user to easily create a
} program which will pass the Turing test.
}
}   The government has suppressed this information and is now using the
} above mentioned programs at the NSA to screen all the articles _and_
} email passing through the USENET.
}
}   All this explains why Lisp compilers are so enormous, while seeming to
} do so little.  It also explains why poetry is so difficult to
} understand.
}
}   The government set up the whole "poetry" business to circulate these
} programs to those who know what to do with them.  Next time you see
} someone browsing the poetry section in a bookstore, there is a good
} chance he is a high government official.  The government gets a good
} laugh from the fact that people actually read the stuff, and attempt to
} find meaning in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle one classified love sonnet.


97-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who speaks with the voice of the gods, can you
> please assist me?
>
> I wish to form a crusade against COBOL.  Would you please supply us with
> some anti-COBOL biblical writings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear child, to eradicate COBOL religon will not help you.  (At least
} not Christianity)  I would suggest putting your efforts into developing
} three things which will help your reform movement:
}
} 1)  Write a rap song denouncing COBOL.
} 2)  Write a heavy metal song doing the same.
} 3)  Start a T.V. show with lots of sex and violence where a renegade
} cop (whose family was killed by a faulty COBOL program) goes and kills
} all COBOL programmers.
}
}         If you still are hooked on the Bible idea, I'd suggest
} Revelations as a good place to start.
}
}         You owe the Oracle a charred COBOL manual.


97-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you write me a letter of recommendation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sirs:  I find that I am somehow called upon to recommend
} ________________ for your fine and very respectable graduate school in
} the discipline of Computer Science.  Fortunately, I can do so with a
} clear consceince.  I have known the kid for several years, and followed
} his academic career with an interested eye.  I am sure that he has
} consistantly been in the top 99% of every class he has taken -- often in
} the top 90% or even 80% -- and always does splendidly in whatever field
} he happens to be interested in in a given week.  His genius, although
} well-hidden, is apparent when he somehow manages to display it.
}
} His personal record is virtually flawless.  His academic integrity is of
} the highest order:  his plagarism is so subtle that not even the
} original authors can detect it.  He has never been convicted of
} possession of illegal or controlled substances, arson, or blackmail,
} despite any rumors to the contrary you may have heard.  His threats
} against faculty members who offend him, although often severe, are rare
} if ever carried out.  There is absolutely no proof that he is a member
} of any terrorist organization or the Reformed Church of Satan.  The fact
} that he is somewhat of a long-haired leftist-socialist wierdo freak is
} no reason to refuse him admittance to your program.  Please be merciful;
} the kid has to do something for the rest of his life, and I personally
} would feel a lot more comfortable if he were slaving away over a hot
} terminal than out on the streets commiting felonies.
}
} As a close to this letter, be aware that I am writing it at a personal
} request of ___________, and not under the influence of either threats or
} bribes.
}
}                                         Sincerely,
}
}                                         The Usenet Oracle


97-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> KWEEEEE!   DROOO-MOOO!   Miggle  maggle--miggle  maggle!
>
> ZUP, ZUP, ZUP-PUP-PUP-UP!!!!  Dhray-dough??    heh...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! Wubawubbawubbawubba.
}
}       HONK-TYWOOONIE! Ping!
}
} You owe the Oracle some of whatever that is you're smoking.


97-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the chicken cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get to the other side.
}
} Because that's where the MEN were.
}
} Because that's where the FOOD was.
}
} To keep his pants up.
}
} Please, please don't make me do this.
}
} That's no chicken, it's a duck!
}
} Take my wife, please.
}
} Because bananas are yellow.
}
} Three times.
}
} Two.  One to initiate the novice.
}
} Please re-post to rec.humor.funny.
}
} Seven.
}
} Because bowling balls are easier to carry.
}
} .
} .
} .
}
} Cliche overload.  Process killed.


97-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my asking the same question, just for the sake of
> experimentation, of course, seems to piss you off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's really boring to answer the same question day in and day out.  I am
} the oracle as a hobby you know.  My normal job also seems to be
} answering the same stupid questions over and over again.
}
} It's driving me CRAZY!!!  AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
}
} Bang bang!  Bang!  Bang!  BOOM!
}
} [scenes of violence edited out for casual viewers]
}
} We are sorry to report that the substitute oracle has committed suicide
} rather than turn himself in for questioning.  The real oracle will
} return from vacation early in order to keep the question load low.
}
} You owe the press your undying attention.


97-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the Spanish put punctuation before and after a sentence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .It seems more natural to me that way.  .That way, you can tell what the
} tone of a sentence is going to be before you start reading it.  .In
} fact, they don't go far enough.  !They ought to put all of the words of
} the sentence in front, so that you can tell what the whole sentence is
} going to say when you read it!


97-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I accidentally crashed our VAX the other day.  Now our VAX system
> administrator says that I must use the process name of "IcrashedtheVAX"
> whenever I login.  I donot think that is fare.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --ERROR-- You have just crashed the oracle.
} --ORACLE-UNANSWERABLE-QUESTION  condition code 4EFC
}
} You owe the oracle a question with the subject:  IcrashedtheORACLE


97-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Lisa read talk.bizarre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Lisa is not a talk.bizarre reader.  In fact, the only news she reads
} is rec.humor (for these postings), plus she is the moderator for alt.sex
} and all of its sub-groups, and rec.nude, plus some other little known
} ones that only the Oracle can access, like net.orgy, alt.ecstasy,
} misc.xxx-rated, and similar groups.
}
} You owe the Oracle an olive.


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