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Internet Oracularities #970

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Internet Oracularities #970    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 6 Jan 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

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970   86 votes 7juq4 miqg4 8iGd5 8knu5 6rsi7 arxd3 4crsf bdnng 4nDh3 4amBd
970   3.0 mean  3.0   2.6   2.9   3.0   2.9   2.7   3.4   3.2   2.9   3.5


970-01    (7juq4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Dear Orrie,
>
>               It's been some time since I wrote you - but I was in
> line in the 'camera section' today at K-mart and I saw Lisa. The
> cashier handed her back some pictures, and she started flipping through
> them, giggled about some Xmas pictures she'd taken - and when she got
> to one picture, she let out a short yelp, turned greenish-blue - and
> fainted! I am just writing, oh great and wise friend, hoping that all
> is okay... and I was hoping you could explain the picture that caused
> this...
>
>                                               Yours truly,
>
>                                                       a lowly
>                                                       supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear lowly,
}
} Thanks for your note. Lisa is fine... just fine. She's resting well and
} should be back up and around in no time.
}
} Well, the annual Christmas (it's *not* "Xmas," dear) bash was a
} success, as expected. Odin got drunk, as usual, and tried to cleave
} everyone's head off, as usual (thank goodness we always disarm him
} before he gets to the belligerent-drunk stage and substitute a tinfoil
} sword in his scabbard). Satan got bellicose, as always, and tried to
} Damn everyone in sight. Buddha just sat in the corner and smiled a lot,
} of course. Mohammed didn't show, as per usual. Surprisingly, the Small
} Greys showed up this year, although they seemed to confuse Christmas
} with Halloween. They tried to kidnap a couple of the gods, but we soon
} put a stop to that, I can tell you. None of that
} let's-experiment-on-earthlings in *my* temple, I can tell you!
}
} Zadoc got squiffy and put a lampshade on his head. Unfortunately, he
} forgot to take it off the lamp and the short-circuit fried his hair, so
} now he looks like some boxing promoter.
}
} The Gates Stew went over marvelously, I can tell you. Also, the
} Bean-Dip-Formerly-Known-As-Prince was a great success!
}
} Kali was a bore, of course, but what can you expect? All those slides
} of the temples at Pagan! I ask you: If you've seen 1,549, you've seen
} 'em all... It's all friction and lubrication, after all.
}
} Well, the big news was when Mercury and Eros showed up. Late, of
} course. *We* knew why they were late, but they pretended that nothing
} was amiss... Then, Mercury went off with Quetzecotl (those guys!) and
} Eros managed to corner Lisa in the kitchen. Next thing they knew, Napi
} (the Blackfeet god) was snapping away with the camera. Well, Lisa was
} too busy (and too drunk) to notice what Napi was doing...
}
} Lisa and I slept in late on Boxing Day and on Saturday Lisa took all
} the film off to K-Mart for their One-Hour Special. That's must have
} been when you saw her. When she finally got home, I saw the photos.
} Hot, hot, hot!
}
} By the way, for only $9.95, you, too, can see the photographs at:
}
}         http://www.cs.indiana.edu/christmas97/lisa&eros.html
}
} All major credit cards accepted!
}
} You owe the Oracle $9.95.


970-02    (miqg4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nothing hurts like your mouth

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ..after an extended Oracular sucking-up session."
}
} more words of wisdom from Zadoc, Priest of the Internet Oracle


970-03    (8iGd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most enormous, what are your psychic predictions for 1998?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Microsoft announces a new operating system hailed to be a
} breakthrough in ease of use and performnce. In reality it is
} a breakthrough in extracting money from peoples wallets and will
} consist of bug-fixes and catch-ups.
}
} 2.  In a new twist to the "Think Different" campaign, Apple Computer
} releases system 8.01 which includes the new Windows 98 patch to make
} the whole experience identical on both platforms. Steve Jobs denys
} it is due to the completion of the buyout by Microsoft.
}
} 3. Sun Microsystems move their "100% Real Java" campaign into the
} coffee shops.
}
} 4. In a calculated move to gain the support of the younger voters
} Bill Clinton admits to smoking Marijuana when he was younger. "But I
} didn't inhale" an contrite Clinton adds. Republicans are unanimous in
} denouncing him as a moral regenerate, while Democrats hold him up as
} a man of men. After his dog craps on the white house carpet one too
} many times he sends it to the sausage factory and replaces it with
} a stuffed one.
}
} 5. The Sixth,Seventh and Eighth Spice Girl's, "Happy", "Sleepy"
} and "Grumpy" Spice make their own movie "Sugar and Spice".
}
} 6. Budweiser commences saturation advertising on the Cartoon Network.
} Officers of the company are adamant this is not an attempt to encourage
} underage drinking. "Budweiser is America's Beer" they say "we just
} think that everyone should have the chance to see these adds, thats
} what democracy is about".
}
} 7. In a shock revelation the Inquiry into the death of Princess Diana
} will reveal that the "Man on the Grassy Knoll" was seen in Paris not
} one month before the accident which took her life. On this evidence
} the French Government declares war on the FBI.


970-04    (8knu5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see...
}
} Tick...
} Tock...
} Tick...
} Tock...
} Tick...
} Tock...
} Tick...
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} Tick...
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} Tick...
} Tock...
}
} Oh? Made it down this far, did you? Okay, I guess you deserve an
} answer...
}
} Buy into the South Korean stock market at 04:01 am EST on Feburary
} 21st, 1998.
}
} Get *out* of yen futures before 04:05 am EST on Feburary 21st, 1998.
}
} Go long on construction equipment before 04:05 EST on February 21st,
} 1998.
}
} Bet on the Jets.
}
} Sell any land you own in Haiti before March 1, 1998.
}
} Buy all the chickens you can in Hong Kong before March 3, 1998.
}
} Don't go outside, whatever you do, on April 2, 1998.
}
} Buy all the skinblock you can before April 2, 1998.
}
} Sell South Afican stocks before April 2, 1998.
}
} Make as many friends as you can with the Tall Greys.
}
} Learn to eat cactus. Raw.
}
} Stay away from New York, Washington, D.C., London, Moscow, Peking,
}         Seoul, San Francisco, Dallas, Taipei, Hong Kong, San Palo,
}         Paris, Berlin and Chicago during the first week of May.
}
} Buy lots of wheat, corn, beef, chicken (but *not* from Hong Kong),
}         duck, rabbits, rats, kangaroo, ferrets, rats, mice, cockroaches,
}         crickets, ants and any other source of protein you can find.
}
} Get lead. Lots of lead.
}
} Find some way to leave this planet. Fast. Before October 21st...
}
} Duck.
}
} Other than that, don't worry about anything at all. Just sit back and
} enjoy the show. Have a good time. Don't worry; be happy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to Exodus Seven (in the New Britain system)
} now. I mean *right now*!


970-05    (6rsi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great, Grand, and Glorious Oracle,
> I'm thinking of buying a fire proof chest.  Can you recommend
> a good one?  What features should I look for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you fail to specify male or female chest.  I'll assume you meant
} female chest, because in this incarnation that's more fun for me to
} pontificate about.
}
} Were I you, I'd look for, ummm, solidity of construction, first.  We'll
} refer to this as "firmness".  You also may want to consider size.  I
} know I do.  Let's consider it together, for a moment.  Ahhh.  Wasn't
} that enjoyable?
}
} Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes.  Firmness, size, resistance to heat.
} Most chests of this type could be considered somewhat resistant to
} heat, but to actual real live fire?  Not likely.  They're definitely
} not resistant to cold, as you can tell just by looking, usually.
}
} So, a fireproof chest?  I suppose, depending on who you work for, your
} chest could determine whether you could be fired or not.  It'd be tough
} for them to keep *just* the chest, wouldn't it?  I mean, unless you
} work for a taxidermist.


970-06    (arxd3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most informed, please tell me...
>
> Is it true that William Kennedy was giving a lift home on his skis to a
> young woman when he had that unfortunate accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That will never be proven, until 30 years from now, Oliver Stone
} Jr. produces a shocking biography that brings together all the elements
} of a massive conspiracy.  The crowning point will be the discovery that
} the real killer was a psychotic individual who was tortured by a man
} named "William" in his youth.  No one will have made the connection
} until old mail records of the Internet Oracle turn up, revealing that a
} certain supplicant was tricked into believing that Michael Kennedy's
} first name was actually "William".  The day after the movie opens,
} storm troppers will break into the supplicant's house and shoot him
} dead on the spot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to keep this out of the Digest.  For your own
} good.


970-07    (4crsf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most culinarily creative, how does one get fresh seafood in
> Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wear a large raincoat with plastic bags in the pockets, and make sure
} no one in the pet shop sees you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rainbowfish filet.


970-08    (bdnng dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are walking down a crowded city street.  You are carrying an
> ordinary 1911 or 1911A1 in .45ACP with an 8 round magazine, cocked and
> locked with one in the chamber, strong side concealed carry.
>
> As you walk, minding your own business, you notice a *really* scruffy
> looking character up ahead, who seems to be hassling people.  First
> question: what do you do?
>
> Whatever your answer to the first question, assume that you continue
> walking in the same direction, minding your own business.  You
> approach the scruffy character and notice he has long uncombed hair,
> appears unwashed, and his clothing is torn.
>
> As you maneuver in the crowd to avoid this creature, he suddenly is in
> front of you, blocking your way.
>
> He says, "Hey man, I'm a mathematician.  What's the logarithm of
> 1000?"
>
> You didn't bother to read those posts about logarithms on the tactics
> list, so, while cursing yourself for a fool, you realize you can't
> answer.  Besides, would giving this nut-case the correct answer (3) do
> more harm than good?  The second question is: what do you do now?
>
> Whatever your answer to the second question, we now assume that you
> are penned in with this guy in the crowd.  He becomes very agitated.
> He says "Anyone knows what the log of 1000 is!  Look I'm a
> mathematician!  I used to work at Bezerkely!  What the formula for
> deciBels???  Tell me or I'll kill you!"
>
> He appears unarmed, but his voice is incredibly loud, especially when
> he says the word "deciBels."  You wish that you had a sound meter with
> you to measure the loudness of his voice, but then realize that you
> don't really know what a deciBel is anyway, so what's the difference?
> Third question: what do you do now?
>
> Whatever your answer to the third question, assume that the guy going
> mathematical on you becomes more violent.  He starts jumping up and
> down in this crowd while you are penned in, poking you in the chest
> with his finger.  He starts babbling stuff like "You're so stupid man,
> you didn't even ask if I meant base 10 logs!  Or discrete logs!
> Morons, all of you!  You don't even know what a decibel is!  You
> deserve to die!"  With that, he takes out a large ball-peen hammer,
> and takes up a pose that is definitely offensive, and says, "this is
> the same brand hammer that whats-his-name, that mathematician, used to
> kill his wife!  Now I'm going to kill you!  And then everyone else I
> can find!"  He starts quoting from _Principia Mathematica_ (this is
> verified later, as the entire incident was videotaped by a tourist
> from Amsterdam).  I would write the quotes, and this marvelous new
> proof I have, but unfortunately web browsers lack the symbols in their
> margins.  Or something like that.
>
> The crowd, instead of running away, presses closer.  You are now in
> intimate concact with this nut case, and can not (now) run away, or
> get any sort of cover.  The hammer still has it's price sticker on it,
> so there is a slim chance that it will be defective and break on your
> skull, but you can't count on that.  You can barely access your
> pistol.  Amidst the crowd yelling at *you* (things like "Look what
> you've done to him you idiot!  Why didn't you ever learn what a
> logarithm was!" and "Now you've gotten Ted all riled up because you
> don't know what a decibel is you fool!") and getting ugly in itself,
> the hammer approacheth.  The crowd is definitely mad at YOU for some
> reason.
>
> Final question: what do you do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question, supplicant.  I'll ignore the lack of grovel
} for now, since I've noticed that more and more grovel-less questions
} are making the digests these days.  Still, I believe this question came
} up in Oracle Ethics of Humanity Management in the Sciences and
} Mathematics 401 when I was in Graduate School at the Mt. Olympus
} Academy of Arts and Sciences.
}
} To start with, there are several flaws in your premise:
}
} > > You are walking down a crowded city street.  You are carrying an
} > > ordinary 1911 or 1911A1 in .45ACP with an 8 round magazine, cocked
} > > and locked with one in the chamber, strong side concealed carry.
}
} *I* would always clear the streets first, and no weapon I carry would
} be "ordinary"
}
} > > As you walk, minding your own business,
}
} I'm omniscient, *everything* is *my* business
}
} > > you notice a *really* scruffy
} > > looking character up ahead, who seems to be hassling people.  First
} > > question: what do you do?
}
} Hmm, ZOT staff is too obvious, besides, the priesthood would prefer I
} go easy on that. (actually, so would the EPA and ASPCS - American
} Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Supplicants). Ok. I'm a New
} Age kind of guy aside from being armed to the teeth and prepared to
} exert deadly force, I'll calmly and quietly continue my trajectory
} toward the questionable individual.
}
} > > He says, "Hey man, I'm a mathematician.  What's the logarithm of
} > > 1000?"
}
} "Well, hello, my good man, I'm The Oracle, and is that base 10 or
} natural?"[Your mistake supplicant, you see, I *do* know the answer is 3
} or 6.9 for:  ln (1000)
} Why must you mortals assume that omnipotent beings are no better than
} spoiled brats?
} Ok, well, Zeus *is* a good example, but don't tell him I said that.]
}
} Oh, well, *presume* I couldn't answer...
}
} > > Whatever your answer to the second question, we now assume that you
} > > are penned in with this guy in the crowd.  He becomes very
} > > agitated. He says "Anyone knows what the log of 1000 is!  Look I'm
} > > a mathematician!  I used to work at Bezerkely!  What the formula
} > > for deciBels???  Tell me or I'll kill you!"
}
} Foolish supplicant, 10* log (louder/softer noise)!Obviously, we have
} here a Berzerker!  We must refer to Fred Saberhagen for advice...
} "Goodlife here, none but goodlife, machinelife must survive"
} Whoops, that won't do.
} Ah, let's see, Nitrous Oxide (just say NO!)
} ... sodium pentothal, too slow,
} ... ZOT staff used as a quarter staff... we could either do a chop to
} the knees, or the butt of the staff in the solar plexus.
} Oh, yes... my favorite, the Mr.Spock pinch.
}
} > > You wish that you had a sound meter with
} > > you to measure the loudness of his voice, but then realize that you
} > > don't really know what a deciBel is anyway, so what's the
} > > difference?
}
} Actually, that's sound *pressure* meter, and I'd put him at 85-87 dB.
} Of course, white noise always seems so much louder than pink or red
} noise.
}
} > > He starts jumping up and
} > > down in this crowd while you are penned in, poking you in the chest
} > > with his finger.  He starts babbling stuff like "You're so stupid
} > > man, you didn't even ask if I meant base 10 logs!  Or discrete
} > > logs! Morons, all of you!  You don't even know what a decibel is!
} > > You deserve to die!"
}
} Again, your lack of foresight dooms your supposition.  As you see, I
} can answer each of these questions, therefore we must assume that the
} poor chap is either A) deaf, B) in a state of monomania, or C) on PCP.
}
} > > With that, he takes out a large ball-peen hammer,
} > > and takes up a pose that is definitely offensive, and says, "this
} > > is the same brand hammer that whats-his-name, that mathematician,
} > > used to kill his wife!  Now I'm going to kill you!  And then
} > > everyone else I can find!"  He starts quoting from _Principia
} > > Mathematica_
}
} I suppose it was too much to ask for him to be quoting the Kama Sutra.I
} won't even start with the shortcomings of your web browser...
}
} > > The crowd, instead of running away, presses closer.
}
} Yes, just like the paparazzi, isn't it.
}
} > >The crowd is definitely mad at YOU for some
} > > reason.
}
} Have you ever noticed when things are going well, mortals are so proud
} of themselves, yet when things go bad, they always turn on the
} deities/prophets/seers/soothsayers/messengers of doom, etc. etc.
}
} > > Final question: what do you do now?
}
} You know, I got this far on momentum, now I have to think up a clever
} answer without resorting to ZOT, hysterical laughter, Zadoc, Lisa,
} Steve Kinzler, invoking the image of Bill Gates as Satan, quoting Paul
} Kelly's Fish, insulting Ian, (or Otis) or mispelling Kirsten's name
}
} > >
}
} OK. here goes.
} I'm well armed, and good-looking. The nut case is disheveled and his
} breath SMELLS BAD.  I've got it all over him.  To start with, I ask him
} to calculate the square mileage of the earth, I need it for another
} answer. When he responds with an equation based on pi times r-cubed, I
} triumphantly shout NO!, That's volume, not surface area.  This shocks
} the bum into some semblance of rationality (Let's not push it).  Now I
} bear down on him: "Some Mathematician *you* are, you weren't *really*
} at Berkely, were you?" "No," he mutters, "No, I was at Indiana."
} "AHA!" I shout.  "And you were passed over for tenure because you spent
} too much time websurfing, didn't you!"
} "Yes," he mutters, even more softly.
} "Well," I exclaim, rubbing my hands together. "For this disruption you
} shall pay the ultimate price."
} "Please sir, I'll do whatever you say, just don't throw me in that
} briar patch."
} "Hunh?" (I'm *sooooo* profound).
} "Well, you always tell supplicants that they owe you something, and you
} were just about to tell me to prove that x-to-the-nth-power plus
} y-to-the-nth equals z-to-the-nth is solvable for values of N greater
} than 2, right?" "Uhm," I say, stalling for time, "Well, actually I was
} thinking of having you figure out a generic formular for calculating
} the first 100 transcendant prime numbers..."
} "Child's play," he said straightening up to his full height for the
} first time, a truly terrifying sight.  "No, it must be much more
} difficult than that."
} "What about this: 'I always lie, and I'm telling you a lie now?'"
} "Star Trek drivel" the MathManiac roars, with red eyes flashing and the
} sound of a freight train rumbling in the distance.
}
} Uh, supplicant you got me into this, 'You owe the Oracle a way ou...'
} "NO! I'VE GOT IT!"
} "Mr Mathematician, solve *this* one! Where have the Digests been for
} the last 2 weeks?"
}
} <screaming into the night, dopplering down into nothingness...>
} "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo..............."
}
} Thank you, you owe the Oracle..., hm, something juicy for this one...
} Yes, perfect... You *owe* the Oracle.
} .
} --
} I never do this, but just this once,
} Oracle Incarnated as Dr.Rob, rhampson at bgsm dot edu
} http://www.bgsm.edu/bgsm/physpharm/faculty/reh/hampson.htm


970-09    (4nDh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dagnabbit, Great Oracle, I need your help.  (I'd grovel here, but I've
> run out of time.  Besides, you've seen my grovels before and know how
> lousy I am at them, compared to your magnelephant greatness.)
>
> Here it is next year already, and I haven't finished a tenth of the
> things I need to get done last year!  Do you have a time compressor or
> dilator (or whatever it is that I need), that you could let me borrow
> for a while?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunate Time Poor Supplicant,
}
} Sure, I'd be happy to loan you my Personal Time Dilator.  (Trust me,
} the Time Compressor would only make matters worst.)
}
} I loaned it out to the National Procrastinator's Club, and they should
} return it by next Tuesday.  Hold on, that was supposed to be *last*
} Tuesday.  Oh well, as soon as they return it, I'll FedEx it to you.
} It should be very helpful in completing your tasks this year.
}
} As far as the things you needed to get done last year, you might drop
} a line to Mr. Wells and see if you can borrow his time machine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a round tuit.


970-10    (4amBd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do elephants have tusks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The elephant was a beta version of the walrus.  We upgraded it
} because it experienced problems (random freeze-ups and drownings) in
} the more advanced operating environment it was originally designed for
} - cold arctic water.  However, the earlier version was found to be
} popular in less developed operating systems, such as the african
} savannah, so we never recalled it.  I seem to remember, however, that
} you humans are gradually phasing out that particular product of ours.
}       As for why walruses have tusks - well, the guys in marketing said
} we needed something flashy or they wouldn't sell.  Off the record, I
} think better skin would have done the same thing - it would have been
} only a minor engineering problem to make it compatible with the
} insulation that was found to be necessary, and we were upgrading them
} from the elephant anyway.  But, I'm just an engineer.  Nobody listens
} to me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a collection of Godbert cartoons.


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