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Internet Oracularities #971

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971, 971-01, 971-02, 971-03, 971-04, 971-05, 971-06, 971-07, 971-08, 971-09, 971-10


Internet Oracularities #971    (88 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   971
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

971   88 votes 6gws6 1atvh frtd4 cmmma 5assh 8vyb4 4gCjb 29Asd 7owk5 fotaa
971   3.1 mean  3.1   3.6   2.6   3.0   3.5   2.7   3.2   3.5   2.9   2.7


971-01    (6gws6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if a fisherman catches nothing for a few years, is he still a
> fisherman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  He's also well on his way to becoming a Zen Master.


971-02    (1atvh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most groovy and spiffy, who breaks the laws of physics on a
> daily basis, which of the following phrases in an Oracularity
> guarantees it digestion?
>
> a) "Hoi, Zadoc!"
> b) "About ten cords."
> c) "The top 101 things to do with..."
> d) "How can I get a date with Caramia?"
> e) "Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, you seem to have forwarded me the wrong list.  You sent
} me the answers to your general education mid-term.  As a reminder, the
} questions were:
}
} A) What does a Frenchman say when discovering long-lost documentation
}    for his computer?
} B) What does a typical grunge guitarist know?
} C) What was the sequel to the book "The Joy of Elipses?"
} D) Explain a good use of Microsoft Schedule.
} E) What is the ingredient list for a Twinkie?
}
} You owe the Oracle a number two pencil, sharpened.


971-03    (frtd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wonderful, please tell me,
> does glass flow at room temperature?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Inquisitor,
}
}    Indeed, glass does flow at room temperature.  If you
} go to the cathedrals in France, which have been with us
} for many trips around the sun, you'll find slight pools
} of glass at the bottom of the panes, and a thinner portion of
} glass at the top of the panes.  Further, the secret
} of great glaziers is that glass at room temperature
} is not a solid, it is only a liquid lacking viscosity.
} If one walks slowly enough, one can walk through glass.
} When you go through a revolving door at one of these upscale
} hotels in the big cities, you're actually walking through
} glass, even though it appears that the glass is rotating
} around you.


971-04    (cmmma dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> alt.wise.oracle.sees-all.knows-all.tells-most,
>
> alt.irritating.situations.explain:.expound:.express:
> alt.at.command-prompt.compell.desire.want
> alt."elvis".command.type.execute.press-enter-for
> alt.%.prompt.replies:.answers:.says:
> alt.lame."elvis: no such file or directory".(cry.weep.moan)
>
> alt.simple.questions.plead!.entreat!.beg!
> alt."elvis".command.supply?.know-of?.give?
> alt."elvis".compulsion.remove?.take-away?.help?
>
> alt.advance.thanks.extended!.given!.offered!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} rec.humor.oracle
} alt.elvis.sighting
} comp.editors
} gnu.emacs
} alt.internet.talk.bizarre
} alt.usenet.kooks
} alt.flame
} alt.annoying.supplicant.zot.zot.zot
} comp.security.firewalls
} alt.support.headaches.migraine
} alt.owe.oracle.bottle.asprin


971-05    (5assh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fiscally first-rate, my accountant says I should plan for
> retirement by investing in the IRA.  But I don't see how supporting a
> terrorist organization will help pay my expenses in 30 years.  Can you
> explain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your accountant is very wise. The IRA has a very good track record of
} fund management and should provide an excellent return on your
} investment.
}
} Here are some of the highlights of the IRA Fund over the past 20 years:
}
}         - cornered the Semtex market
}         - strong links with the Libyan government (which gives them
}                 an inside-track on oil development in North Africa,
}                 not to mention biological weapon development and the
}                 lucrative pan-Arab cross-dressing market)
}         - excellent results in raising money among drink-sodden
}                 Americans of Irish descent in Boston (where
}                 Irish-Americans have descended, indeed)
}         - development of van-mobile mortars (still a few bugs to work
}                 out, though)
}
} Plus, they keep their personnel costs low by "retiring" senior
} executives by shooting them through the knees. Much cheaper than gold
} watches.
}
} I would suggest, however, that you instruct your accountant to look
} into diversifying your investment by buying into TMFs (Terrorist
} Mutual Funds).  The Asian TMF, for example, includes the Khmer Rouge,
} Patet Lao, Karen (strong pharmaceutical positions, there!), Aum
} Shinrikyu (very advanced chemical research) and the Hong Kong tongs
} (not, strictly-speaking, terrorist groups, but they are cash-rich
} and very effective). There is some talk about including the People's
} Liberation Army of the People's Republic of China in the Asian TMF,
} because of their low labor costs and their strong ties with the
} American president.
}
} I would stay away from the South American TMF; the Shining Path
} segment of the fund has shown a decline in recent years.
}
} The Middle East TMF is also declining. The PLO segment, while showing
} a strong (40%+) rake-off of government funds, has an aging, moribund
} senior executive. Even the previously-high-earning Ba'ath segment
} of the fund has become mired in a take-over bid with a neighboring
} country during the past 6 years and shows little promise for doing
} more than concerning itself with poison pills.
}
} So, my advice is to divide your investments more-or-less equally
} between the IRA and the Asian TMF.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tip on when to go short on Bosnian Futures.


971-06    (8vyb4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Oh Great Oracle Whose Breath Is Always Minty Fresh:
>
> What is "it" when people ask "What time is it?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The "it" referred to in the question is how many minutes until the next
} screening of "The People's Court"
}
} Many people whan asked this question incorrectly answer with the
} current time. A more accurate way to answer "What time is it" is
} demonstrated by Dustin Hoffman in the Academy Award Winning film "Rain
} Main" where Ray, the character played by Mr. Hoffman, often answers the
} question when it is not asked: "It's 20 minutes to Wapner"


971-07    (4gCjb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omniscient Oracle, please satisfy the curiosity of this most
> unworthy supplicant, who deserveth not even to think upon thy
> magnificence but for thine unbounded benevolence,
>
> What is the most intriguing question you will be asked this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top Ten most intriguing questions to be asked of the Oracle in 1998
}
} 10."> Was it Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Lead Piping?"
}    (An interesting game of intrigue for mortals, Cluedo however is very
}    boring when you're omniscient.)
}
} 9. "> How much wood, etc."
}    !!!! (The intrigue lies in the the quest for the perfect Zotting
}    technique)
}
} 8. "> "
}    (see 9.)
}
} 7. Anything to do with crossword puzzles.
}
} 6. Anything relating to political and sexual machinations in the
}    eighteen century French court.
}
} 5.
}    (this item intentionally left blank - to arouse a sense of mystery
}    and intrigue.)
}
} 4. "> Why, on the one hand, are most Hollywood movies so lame, yet on
}    the other hand still so popular?"
}    (A very tricky question, even for an all-knowing immortal.)
}
} 3. "> Will the Oracle survive the imminent Digest-1000 problem?"
}
} 2. "> How many different ways can you pleasure Lisa?"
}    (VERY intriguing ... this will require a large amount of practical
}    research ... better start now ... I may be some time ... ZADOC -
}    FINISH OFF THIS LIST!! )
}
} [pause]
}
} 1. Hmmmm, I wonder what happens if I press this bu


971-08    (29Asd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, please forgive my lack of a grovel but I`m rapidly
> running out of air and I need you to .......help....... me..... to ....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, Dr. Wolf.  More problems on Mir?  Very well, at least this
} one is easy to solve.  Get into your EVA suit; that will give you
} a little more time.  Okay.  Now go to the Kvant-2 module, replace
} the air filters in the life support systems, and turn the
} recirculation pumps on HIGH.  Within a few minutes, you should
} have breathable air again.
}
} Now, this time, it's your own fault.  Glasnost is a nice idea,
} but there are some aspects of culture that just don't mix.
} Come on, Dave, you don't have to be an omniscient being to know
} that a dinner of boiled cabbage, broccoli and baked beans would
} have disastrous results in a confined space...
}
} You owe the Oracle a request to open the pod bay doors.


971-09    (7owk5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>
>
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, that's a toughie...... OK, it's a Stegosaurus with no legs
} up against a wall, right? Or it's a top-down view  of Eccentrica
} Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon 6 facing to the
} right?  It's a mad scientist's attempt to fuse one Pacman onto the
} head of another and then saw the combination in half just in front of
} the eyes?  No, hang on, I've got it.............it's another supplicant
} who knows I'm omnipotent and can therefore read their thoughts, and
} so just can't be arsed to type out their question, right? Well, what
} if I just can't be arsed to type out an answer, huh? What if I don't
} actually know what their question is? Just because I'm omniscient,
} it doesn't mean I know EVERYTHING, y'know!
}
} (Zadoc reaches for dictionary, finds relevant page and coughs
} discreetly)
}
} Well, OK, so it does, alright......Damn! That's that excuse out of the
} window......but have you ever actually read a human mind? No, of course
} you haven't, or you'd be me, and I'm me, so who the hell are you, huh?
} That's right, NOBODY! And let me tell you, right, reading human brains
} is NOT fun. All that angst, insecurity and rampant primeval lust buried
} right down there in your psyches - I tell you, Freud didn't know
} the half of it! And do you know what is right down at the bottom?
} Right deep down? Past the Subconscious, past the Unconscious?
} Seeing as I'm in a bad mood, I'll tell you..................it
} reads - "IMPORTANT ! Read the following End User License Agreement
} (EULA) carefully before installing the Brainware. Installing the
} Brainware implies that you have read this EULA and agree to all of
} its terms......................" and so on.......
}
} Have a nice day.
}
} You owe The Oracle a bit of consideration next time. Or failing that,
} a polite New Yorker.


971-10    (fotaa dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most WYSE,
> may I ASCIIou a question?
> What is so UNIXue about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I am not among the UNIX!  Ask LISA.
}
} You owe the Oracle an antidote to pun fallout.


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