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Internet Oracularities #972

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972, 972-01, 972-02, 972-03, 972-04, 972-05, 972-06, 972-07, 972-08, 972-09, 972-10


Internet Oracularities #972    (97 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   972
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

972   97 votes anHf6 5ipuj jwud3 5eAph idqrd agGm7 9htmk abrze iBrb4 3dlAo
972   3.1 mean  2.8   3.4   2.5   3.4   3.0   3.0   3.3   3.3   2.4   3.7


972-01    (anHf6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most bizarre, please tell me:
>
> Why does there seem to be the smell of pumpkin in every
> misunderstanding I deliver?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, an abstract concept deliveryperson!  Yours is one of the most
} underappreciated jobs on the planet, especially since you deliver
} misunderstandings.  Most deliveries go like this:
}
} You: Knock, knock
} Orderer: Hello?
} You: Hi.  I have an order for a misunderstanding.
} Orderer: No, I didn't order anything.
} You: Look, is this 123 Obscure Avenue?
} Orderer: No this is 123 Obscure *Street*.  You must have a
}   misunderstanding.
} You: Damn, these things are hard to deliver.
}
} Anyway, pumpkin seems to be the most popular topping for
} misunderstandings (since pumpkin - topped pizzas are yucky).  Keep
} plugging away - someday you might even get a tip.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large misunderstanding with extra pumpkin.


972-02    (5ipuj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Puissant Oracle, compared to whom Miss Manners is an unwashed
> illiterate peasant, please tell me, what wine would be most appropriate
> with a peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When choosing a fine beverage to accompany such a starchy meal,
} the Oracle is inevitably drawn to the Chateau Moud General '98
} KoolAid Citron Vert .  Now, there are those among the illiterate
} unwashed masses who might suggest a PepsiCo '97 RosM-ie Montagne,
} but I find the color and palate overwhelm the more subtle nuances of
} a delicate meal like Sandwich de Cacahuete Beurre et Banane.  Indeed,
} this desire to allow the flavors of the Sandwich through may lead some
} to erroneously recommend the palid and overrated Juteux Jus Raisin
} (either the '98 or '97, the '96 beginning to lose it's appeal in spite
} of the overly optimistic "use by" label.)  While the Juteux Jus is
} appropriate for the likes of a Sandwich Thon or perhaps a Macaroni
} et Fromage, there is no way it is compatible with the combination of
} unique flavors presented by cacahuete and banane.
}
} Now, as to my choice of the Citron Vert, there are no doubt a large
} population of wine critics who might yeild to the temptation to go
} with a Fruit Tropicale (the '96, the '97 suffered from bruising during
} transport, and the '98 Nouveau has yet to appear on domestic markets),
} but I feel this is, as we might say, too much of a good thing.  A glass
} is required with a less complex blend, acidic to counterpoint the
} starchiness of the meal, but with a sweet finish and simple bouquet.
}
} Any good purveyor of the Moud General line should have the Citron Vert.
} It can be recognized by the label, being a depiction of a large pitcher
} with a bemused face enscribed upon it.  A good price in area stores
} would be $0.50, although it is not unheard of to see it offered for
} as little as $0.25.
}
} You owe the Oracle a review of the '98 Coke Classique.


972-03    (jwud3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how it will go with Anna Maria?
>
> thx
> max

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not very well, but then I'm not much into the cannibalism thing.  I'd
} recommend the onion rings instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dessert.


972-04    (5eAph dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, I was wondering how I would be able to get hold of
> one of those Scottish Widows - preferably the one in the advert.
>
> Am willing to travel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AND TRAVEL YOU WILL, SUPPLICANT!!!!!!
}
} Because you've just WON a FREE trip to SCOTLAND!!!!!!!!!!
}
} Yes, you've won a FREE TRIP TO SCOTLAND on AIR PAKISTAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
} You will be flown from New York's JFK International Airport to
} Beautiful Downtown Glasgow, where you'll be met by a delegation of
} unemployed football thugs, who will treat you to a night on the town!
} You'll be driven in a stolen car to every pub in the slums!
}
} After you recover from your hangover and beatings, you'll be
} whisked off to visit the beautiful Shetland Islands, where you'll
} be introduced to numerous sheep, small shaggy ponies, more sheep,
} a few drooling idiots, even more sheep, some piles of historic rock
} and yet more sheep!
}
} Finally, you'll be dragged back to Glasgow behind an ancient (and
} *historic*!) cart, where you'll be put up in the famous Samuel Johnson
} Suite at the Glasgow Holiday Inn! There, you'll be given free room
} service, including all the haggis you can eat, deep-fried golf balls
} and alcohol filtered through dirt!
}
} After a few days of that, you'll be ready to meet the woman of your
} dreams!  -- Mary McFadden, who was recently widowed when her husband
} of 23 years was killed in an accident on an oil rig in the North Sea!
} She and her 6 children will show you to your new 4th-floor walk-up
} flat in the historic (1936-era) Public Works District!
}
} So, supplicant, pack your bags! You're on your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle the sentence "Be careful what you wish for..."
} written 1,000,000 times. Trust me: You'll be *glad* to perform
} this task.


972-05    (idqrd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.
>
> For some reason, a person calling himself "Og" has been using my e-mail
> address to send you messages with appalling poor grammar. Apparently,
> these messages have included references to beating himself on the
> forehead with large rocks, groveling in molten lava and asking
> questions about giant lizards (I assume he means non-bird dinosuars).
>
> I want to assure you that Austrolopithecenes do *not* use syntax of
> this kind. We fully understand the use of pronouns, noun-verb agreement
> and proper use of tense. After all, we *are* the antecedents of Homo
> (so-called) sapiens. Nor would any self-respecting Austrolopithecene
> actually abase himself on the Internet in such a fashion.
>
> What can I do to prevent any future occurance of the mis-use of my
> private e-mail address?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Og
> Chairman,
> Computing Network Task Force
> Stanford University
>
> og@stanford.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that explains more than a few things.
} --
} The Usenet Oracle                                     "Go Bears!"
} University of California, Berkeley '90


972-06    (agGm7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wanna do lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am much too discriminating to fornicate with my food, and a bit
} insulted that you might think me a pervert of that sort.  I'd send
} a massive ZOT your way, but if you really find roast beef sandwiches
} sexually inviting, you have enough problems already.
}
} You owe the Oracle "The Joy of Cooking" and "The Joy of Sex" as a
} two-volume boxed set.


972-07    (9htmk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      In the snow, Orries glistening,
>      Supplicants are you listening?
>      He's walking back home,
>      Without friends of his own,
>      All because of the office Xmas bash.
>
>      He's so drunk, he can't see straight,
>      He's just collapsed, Oh what a state,
>      His breath is like wine,
>      It's a quarter of nine,
>      All because of the office Xmas bash.
>
>      We don't know, if he'll get home,
>      He just goes, where his legs roam,
>      Falling down, rubber man,
>      Without any plan,
>      All because of the office Xmas bash.
>
>      (To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" in case you
>      hadn't already guessed...)
>
>      So when is the Oracular Office, Xmas Bash then?
>      And where did you go last year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you've no scansion
} But please come to my mansion
} We're partying here
} At end of the year
} Dancing at the Orrie New Year Bash
}
} It's a date you'll remember
} 32nd of December
} The time is easy
} 25 UTC
} Dancing at the Orrie New Year Bash
}
}      In the ballroom there will be punch bowl
}      Fountaining to just below the roof
}      Just a little strong for mortal types, though
}      Because the stuff is seven hundred proof
}
} Later on, if you're living
} Gifts to Me, you'll be giving
} For answer you owe
} A man made of snow
} Bring it to the Orrie New Year Bash


972-08    (abrze dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there misquotes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd like to know that myself.  I hate 'em!  Whiny little wings!  Sharp
} stabbing little noses!  So stupid you can smash 'em right away and then
} they mess up your new white shirt with your own fresh blood!  All you
} can do is try to protect yourself.  Like they say, "Never put Off on
} tomorrow when you can put Off on today".
}
} You owe the Oracle a new can of misquote repellant.


972-09    (iBrb4 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Omnicient Oracle Of Owesome... Sorry, I'm not good at extemporaneous
> grovelling.  Let me try again:  O Oracle, you are really pretty good.
>
> What I want to know is, if of the priesthood claims to revere brevity
> in Oracular replies, why do so many veritable tomes, so many graduate
> theses get inducted into the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, they may revere brevity, but they also know what I'll do to
} them if they fail to include an answer that I'm particularly proud
} of.
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to the W**dch*ck question in the style
} of H.P. Lovecraft, in under thirty words.


972-10    (3dlAo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Dr. Orrie,,
>
>     I'm writing to tell you my problem,  It seems I have been
> married to a sex maniac for the past 10 years. She makes
> love to me regardless of what I am doing; Washing the car,
> Washing dishes, Sweeping the sidewalk, even while sending
> E-Mail, etc.  I would like to know if there is anything that
>  ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld
>  mpskdli  dlks; a;ld
>  ;;'
>
>        cinsely ous
>    mdyl

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear mdyl,
}
} Ah, I see that you're tied up with Mrs. mdyl at the moment.
} Fortunately, being omniscient, I am able to understand the rest of your
} thoughts on the problem of which you write.  Of course, it will not
} surprise you to know that yes, there *is* something that I can do to
} help you.  Fortunately for you, I am also in a good mood and will agree
} to advise you, despite your omission of a grovel.
}
} Having been married to a sexually demonstrative woman (please, we don't
} use the term "sex maniac" in the '90s!) for 10 years, you have no doubt
} gained some skill in carrying out the normal activities of daily life
} while at the same time being stripped naked and ridden like a bronco.
} Perhaps you have even arranged for yourself a career where you can work
} at home, where no one minds what goes on under your desk.  And yet, you
} have not mastered the use of fine motor skills during lovemaking.  Fear
} not!
}
} It is true that keyboarding while cavorting is a difficult task.  I,
} myself, struggled with this for the first few years of my relationship
} with Lisa. The key is to continually practice!  Perhaps you need to
} begin typing a novel, or answer a few thousand w**dchuck questions, or
} transcribe the text of the Windows 95 bug list.  Whatever you choose to
} type, just keep working on it.  Soon, you will find yourself making
} fewer typing errors.  Your dexterity will improve, which will bring
} additional benefits for your wife. And you will gain a greater ability
} to focus on your typing, maintaining a high standard of work without
} being distracted by that endlessly writhing naked body, those soft
} moans of ecstasy growing louder and louder as the pace quickens, that
} skin glowing with the effort of her pounding hips, the way she brushes
} back her long blonde hair just beforrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr oooooooooooo
} ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
} aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
}
} Ahem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little more time to practice with Lisa.  So sue
} me.


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