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Internet Oracularities #973

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973, 973-01, 973-02, 973-03, 973-04, 973-05, 973-06, 973-07, 973-08, 973-09, 973-10


Internet Oracularities #973    (95 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 13:12:28 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   973
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

973   95 votes 51jFt eqria 8impm 87nAl 5eHq7 aqphh 7izs7 4murc 7mCj9 4cwsj
973   3.3 mean  3.9   2.8   3.4   3.6   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.2   3.0   3.5


973-01    (51jFt dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do men like power tools so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, come on down to the workshop, and we'll see what we can come
} up with.
}
} The first thing on the workbench is a hand-held drill.  Turn it on,
} press it against the wood, and it penetrates deeply, leaving a tight,
} perfect hole.  Look at that!  Isn't it a beauty?
}
} Okay, moving on, we have a power hammer.  Put the nails in here,
} thrust it against the wood, and it drives the spike in, all the
} way, in one powerful stroke.  And you can do it over and over
} again, thrusting the nails in, one after another...
}
} Next we come to the power sander.  Hold the edge of the wood against
} it, like so, and...  see that nice, smooth curve?  Look at the way
} it fits into the hand, no sharp edges.  Mmmmm!
}
} Power screwdriver.  Look how easy it is to put the screws in.  And
} now back out again, with just as little effort.  In, out, in, out...
} I could keep this up all day!
}
} Scroll saw?  Look how easy it is to use.  It just goes up and down,
} up and down, violating the pristine, virgin wood and cleaving it
} right in twain.  Oh, yeah!  Take it all, baby!
}
} Errr...
}
} So as you can plainly see, the answer to your question is that a
} man enjoys power tools because they allow him to create useful and
} beautiful objects with a professional, well-crafted look.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


973-02    (eqria dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Morphin' Oracle:
>
> I missed my bus. Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upgrade to a 64-bit architecture, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Windows NT box with the DEC alpha chip.


973-03    (8impm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have heard a rumor that Sonny
> Bono's death was actually foul play, not an accident.
> Apparently the trees were planted.
>
> Could it be true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant.  How many times do I have to tell
} you?  You write the questions, *I* write the jokes.
}
} > But it was one of my better ones!
}
} Well, that's not saying much.  It is nice to see you off that awful
} "Why is six afraid of seven kick?" you've been on lately; still, we
} need to practice.  Now: ask me a question.
}
} > But I already did!
}
} That wasn't a question!  That was a somewhat tasteless old joke
} rehashed to fit current events, with a feeble attempt at questioning
} tacked on at the end to make it look *somewhat* respectable.
}
} > But it was a question!
}
} Egad, must you begin every sentence with the word "But?"  It's only
} supposed to use that way for special stylistic emphasis.  And if you
} emphasize *everything*, well--
}
} > You're stallllllllllling!
}
} You haven't yet asked me a question!
}
} > Yes, I have!
}
} None worthy of my insanely valuable time.
}
} > Oh, come on!  I've seen some of the tripe you deal with--I'm
} > currently referring to the questions, not the priests, although one
} > could make a case that those games you played with Kirsten and Ian
} > last night, in addition to being an insult to Lisa, were less than
} > productive hours, and--
}
} How did you know about that?
}
} > Oracle, Oracle, Oracle.  How many times do I have to tell you?  *I*
} > write the questions, you write the jokes.
}
} Don't you get sarcastic with me, young man!  I can *ZOT* you whenever I
} please.
}
} > That's a bluff.  You'd never risk the wrath of the American Society
} > for the Prevention of Cruelty to Supplicants.  One peep from them,
} > and Indiana U. will fall all over itself trying to fire you, lest it
} > risk getting all manner of bad press.
}
} Curse your eyes!
}
} > HA HA!  The balance of power has subtly shifted!  Now *you* shall
} > have to face my every whim, instead of the other way around!  *You*
} > shall have to grovel before me!  *You* shall be forced to grant me
} > bounty! MU HA HA HA!
}
} SHHH!  People are staring!
}
} > Dance for me, you omniscient fool!
}
} Wait a minute. . .
}
} > Uh-oh--
}
} I know that voice. . .
}
} > No!  No you don't!  It's just your imagi--
}
} ZADOC!  YOU SHALL BE GRAVELY PUNISHED FOR THIS INCIDENT!
}
} > Please, most omnisciently omnipotent of masters!   I beseech thee,
} > have mercy!
}
} ON WHAT GROUNDS?
}
} > Temporary insanity?
}
} *Sigh*  Have you been reading self-help books again?
}
} > Sorry, most unsuppuratingly grandiose font of all that is springtime
} > fresh.  I--I just couldn't control myself.
}
} Yeah, yeah; I know.  Still, you must do your penance; I sentence you to
} carry Lisa's purchases home for her next time she goes to the mall.
}
} > (blanching) Oh, NO!
}
} That'll teach you.
}
} Meanwhile, you owe me a mailbomb and Deepak Chopra's home address.


973-04    (87nAl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I said doo a diddie diddie dum diddie dee

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There she was, just a loggin' to the net
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} Wastes the time of Oracle with ev'ry chance she get
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} She sent mail (she sent mail)
} She used pine (she used pine)
} She sent mail, she used pine
} Wish she just would get offline
}
} Before I knew it she had sent her mail to me
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} Filling my drive, as annoying as can be
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} Must be on (must be on)
} AOL (AOL)
} Must be on AOL
} Because she didn't grovel well
}
}         Whoooooooooaaaa!
}         I knew that I'd answer her mail
}         Yes I did
}         And then I'd work on a way for her hard drive to fail
}
} Now I get questions every hour of the day
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} And if you grovel then My help is on the way
} Singin' doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} But you don't (but you don't)
} So help's less (so help's less)
} But you don't so help's less
} Please forget my e-address
}
} Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo
} Doo-wa-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo


973-05    (5eHq7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please complete the following limerick:
>
> There once was an African elephant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was an African elephant
} Whose views were confused and ambivalent
} A peacenik when sampled
} But oft prone to trample
} When his temperament rose to belligerent
}
} You owe the Oracle a limerick starting with "William and Mary of
} Orange".


973-06    (aqphh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why men won't ask for directions when they get lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} they are under the mistaken impression that, because specific parts of
} themselves are slightly pointy, they act as a compass needle.


973-07    (7izs7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, what was that again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I said you've really got to do something about that attention deficit
} problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle your undivided attention.


973-08    (4murc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rd ip.ay Rpajn,  Ln.ao. y.nn m. ,df C jabbry go. a "<>PYF t.fxrapdv

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I know, the entire State of Maine is like that.  Nevertheless,
} at your age you should have known better than to lick the telephone
} pole in January.  They'll get to you as soon as they can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a snowmobile, I can see you already built...or
} are...the ramp.


973-09    (7mCj9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do about slimy owls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is nothing you can do about slimy owls. This insidious breed will
} reproduce wildly, driving every bird, beast and plant out of its
} natural habitat, until all that's left on the Earth is a gray slime of
} owls. They control everything and everyone. No one is safe. In fact,
} there's one behind you right now!
}
} CONFIDENTIAL ORG CHART
}
}                /-------slimy owls------\
}               /            |            \
}       Hitler's           Jerry         the pope
}       brain             Springer              |
}         |                     |               |
}       CIA                   FBI       The Elders of Zion
}       / \                     |               |
}      /   \                    |               |
} Martha    mad cow     The Internet       Hillary Clinton
} Stewart   disease        Oracle
}
} You didn't see that, did you supplicant? Supplicant? Oh dear, he's not
} responding. Pity.


973-10    (4cwsj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh amazing Oracle, who knows how to make complex espresso drinks
> but doesn't need to bother,
>
> What are people in coffeshops _for?_

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These people are employed to reduce the world coffee mountain. The
} world coffee mountain is not, as it's name suggests, a rollercoaster at
} Disneyland, but a growing menace to human civilisation. Let me explain
} in terms that your human mind can comprehend.
}
} Coffee plants are the fastest reproducing plants in the world. If they
} were animals, they would be rabbits. Except they don't get eaten by
} foxes or hit by cars. If plants were capable of lovemaking, entire
} hills in Colombia would answer the question, "Did the earth move for
} you?" But you get the idea.
}
} Anyway, all these coffee plants produce an awful lot of coffee beans.
} 284 billion tons in 1997 in fact. And that doesn't include the weight
} of the jars. These beans are shipped to a small village in Nepal where
} they add 300 feet to the height of the Himalayas each year. Did you
} realise that the Himalayas are almost entirely made out of coffee?
} Underneath, Everest is an insignificant hillock.
}
} For many millenia, this bilateral arrangement (whereby thousands of
} tons of excess Buddhist koans are shipped to the West in return) has
} suited both sides. But there is a crisis. At current rates,
} Himalayaland will be in the stratosphere sometime early in the next
} century. Apart from the obvious solution to give all the inhabitants
} pressure suits and oxygen masks, Something Must Be Done.
}
} Let's go back 400 years. Sir Walter Raleigh arrives back from the
} Indies with a boatload of coffee beans. The Navajo think they've got a
} good deal by telling him you can drink these beans. Raleigh think he's
} got a good deal by telling the Navajo you can make a nice casserole out
} of these beads. The story of the Navajo "crunchy bead soup" is for
} another Oracularity.
}
} So, he goes back to England and makes this drink out of coffee beans.
} Queen Elizabeth, for whatever reason likes the drink, and everybody
} else keeps their mouth shut in case they get their head chopped off,
} despite the fact that it's bitter and they have to keep getting up in
} the middle of the night to go for a pee. So, suddenly the entire
} Western world is drinking these coffee beans.
}
} Now we have a solution to the problem of the coffee mountain. If people
} can be persuaded to drink enough coffee, the coffee crisis can be
} avoided. That is why coffee shops exist. There are many ways of giving
} something back to the Community. You can go to a hospital and stand in
} a queue to give a pint of blood (preferably your own.) You can do
} voluntary work on a local environmental project. Some people prefer to
} queue up in a coffee shop to drink a cupful of beans.
}
} The Navajo, by the way, still think that those crazy Palefaces drinking
} coffee is hilarious.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the tea in China.


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