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Internet Oracularities #974

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Internet Oracularities #974    (80 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 14:41:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   974
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

974   80 votes 3gyj8 gwl83 2mso4 17wtb 3hvm7 5dwm8 7iBh1 xik63 8jrh9 8gjmf
974   3.0 mean  3.2   2.4   3.1   3.5   3.2   3.2   2.8   2.1   3.0   3.2


974-01    (3gyj8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where am I?
> Who am I speaking to?
> Come to think of it WHO am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, let's address these in order (although I *should* require
} you to step back into the queue for each separate item... but it's
} been a slow day, so I'll let it go this once):
}
} First: our records show that the silver cord connected to your
} astrally-projected image in our lobby is dialing in from a small
} island just offshore of Toledo, Ohio. If this is not correct, please
} consult your network shaman for a complete exorcism-and-reconnection,
} as faulty node information may be an indication of demonic posession.
}
} Second: you have reached the offices of Oracle, Sybil, Delphos, Pythia
} & Prang, PLC. The Oracles are presenting a case before the Old Bailey
} at the moment; please press ONE if this is a routine inquiry that
} can safely be ignored by our voicemail system. Press TWO if this is
} a matter of some importance that can still be safely ignored by our
} voicemail system. Press THREE if this is a matter of dire emergency and
} you would like to leave a message that we probably won't listen to.
} If you would like to be shuffled through our labyrinthine switching
} system in the vain hope of speaking to another human being for a few
} seconds before being transferred to a barber shop in Kuala Lumpur,
} please stay on the line.
}
} Third: your /finger information indicates that you are a small flat
} bit of scaly bark from a tree of the genus *juniperus*. You contain
} many useful chemical compounds and your berries are a principal
} ingredient in gin.
}
} If any of the preceding information has been incorrect or less than
} helpful, we advise you to call the Oracle's Customer Service line
} at 1-888-APOLLO1.  Your bill comes to three pineapples and a promise
} not to pick that scab.  Thank you and come again!


974-02    (gwl83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, I'll bite.  Please tell me about Navajo "crunchy bead soup".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a Navajo custom to stew a tasty broth with a base of woodchuck,
} chopped into bite-sized "beads."
} I often prefer to substitute supplicants who see fit to overlook a
} grovel. *ZOT*
} If you could only find a way out of that boiling water, you would owe
} the Oracle some croutons and a spoon.


974-03    (2mso4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, How can I establish a gateway or link or
> connection from an Oracle 7.3 server to a Microsoft SQL Server.  I have
> installed the Oracle Transparent gateway and have not had success in
> connecting to the SQL Server.  iefbtI can ping the source server.
>
> My environment is Windows NT 4.0, could this be the source of the
> problem. Most of the information in the Oracle home page associates
> the Transparent Gateway with Windows NT 3.51.  Is there a solution
> available to assist me in connecting SQL server to Oracle?
>
> Please give me some hope!  Signed helpless

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An Oracle 7.3 server? Must be one of my bastard offspring. Not to
} worry, just follow the instructions below.
}
} HOW TO ESTABLISH A GATEWAY
} On the darkest night of the year, take the servers to a deserted place
} far from the city. There you must clear a circle with a diameter of
} three times your height. Place the servers in this area. Note: the
} servers must be exactly 3.649 meters apart. Now, dig a shallow hole
} halfway between the servers, and fill it with tequilla. This will be
} your gateway. Now get some wire, and string it between the two servers
} (attaching it to any handy projections), allowing it to drape through
} the hole of tequilla. Next you must do a rain dance. Dance until great
} black thunderheads fill the sky above you. Dance until lightning is
} dancing with you. Dance until the storm is tearing at you.  Now stick
} your head in the hole. The servers will be struck by lightning,
} and your gateway will be established. You will see many things.
}
} If your enviroment is Winows NT 4.0, it is definately the source of
} the problem and you need to get out more often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Vacuum tube.


974-04    (17wtb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge is to the H-Bomb as the
> pen is to the sword,
>
> Like, I was reading, and I read that the value of the US market for
> electricity was $200 Billion.  And I guessed I could handle that
> 'cause that's about $2/person/day or something.
>
> But then I read about Legal Gambling in the US.
> That's worth $300 billion.  People spend more in my country
> on gambling than electricity...On purpose.
>
> I wanted your opinion on a speculative business venture:
> Hi-stakes electricity!  I'll send people nasty-plush red velour
> envelopes with bills in them - and sometimes (but not always)
> I'll turn their power on and off in relation to whether they pay.
>
> Will it work? ..I know you don't like more than one question,
> but do you think it efficacy is dependent on trained tigers,
> standup comedians, and a distribution network in mini-marts?
>
> Call me cheap, but I don't think I can front for the free drinks
> and loss-leader buffet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm very much in awe of your ability to reason through this possible
} business venture.
}
} But it won't work.
}
} Remember why people go gambling - to get a BIG payoff.  It's not
} getting back what they paid for, it's the winning of 1.274 million
} dollars on a single pull of a "Quartermania" slot machine that makes
} them go to Caesars.
}
} So, let's draw the analogy to electricity.  You send out all of your
} plush velour envelopes (a cute touch, by the way...), you get the
} money back, you draw the lucky bill from the pile, and give all the
} electricity to that one bill-payer.  Meanwhile across the entire
} country all the houses are dark except for one, where, in one pulse:
} - all the lightbulbs flash and burn out
} - the TV explodes in a small mushroom cloud
} - the microwave puts out enough energy that a small flock of birds
} perched on a tree outside the kitchen are fried to a golden-brown
} - the ceiling fan takes off and threatens air traffic in the area
} (there would be phone reports of a UFO, but the phone company has no
} power)
} - the CD-ROM on the computer? Forget 12X.  Try 95639850234X!
} And this all happens just before the house and the power lines
} suddenly burst into flames and molten copper drips to the ground.
}
} Sure it's cool, but would you pay for that?  OK, the folks in New
} England at the moment might...
}
} You do, however, owe the Oracle an alternative to ConEd.


974-05    (3hvm7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Internet Oracle
> From: Thag
> Re: Recent questions from supplicants
>
> As you know, I was recently hired to handle the questions from
> supplicants who are hominid ancestors of modern human supplicants,
> including Austrolopithicenes, Homo erectus, Homo sapiens neanderthalis,
> et al.
>
> The questions are fairly basic (usually involving fire, food, sex and
> ways not to get eaten by large bears). Despite the tortured syntax
> of some of the questions, many of the grovels are pretty good,
> considering how little some of the supplicants have to work with.
> I haven't had to use the Large Spikey Club of Zot that you provided
> more than a half-dozen times.
>
> What is becoming a problem, however, is that the gifts are piling up.
> According to the memo you sent me last July, I am free to demand
> whatever payment from these supplicants as I deem fit. I've tried to
> make these demands simple, which has resulted in a fairly high (98.4%)
> delivery rate. In fact, leaving out the goofy, impossible-to-get items
> (such as Gonawandaland), the delivery rate is nearly 100%.
>
> Which brings me to the problem: Just exactly what am I supposed to do
> with 124,500 metric tons of wooly mammoth meat, 1,492 live sabertooth
> tigers, several million poorly-made stone axes, a lifesize carving of
> the fertility goddess, 16 matched pairs of eohippi and (how Og managed
> this one, I'll never understand) the Asian-North American land bridge?
>
> Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Thag,
}
} Oh dear. I can see your predicament - it's a bit of a tough one, isn't
} it? Well, I've thought about this and have come to the following
} conclusion: no-one but other cavemen (and their slightly-more-hairy
} relatives) would be able to make use of these items.. so why not give
} them back? Okay, so you'd lose out, but imagine the chaos which would
} ensue if you let the situation go on.
}
} However, this isn't one of my better suggestions, is it? How are you
} meant to transport the cargo to its destination - and what if the
} cavemen object to you returning their well-meant gifts?
}
} Right. *This* should work, though I should warn you: you'll need to
} wait a bit.
}
} First, dig a very, very big hole next to the bridge. Round
} up your eohippi and march them onto the bridge. Take some mammoth
} meat and scatter it liberally about - there should easily be enough
} meat to go from one side of the bridge to the other. You have now
} constructed a lure for the tigers.
}
} The tigers walk along the bridge, busily eating the meat, and get
} extremely bloated and slow as they travel. They will therefore soon
} need a jolly long kip. Meanwhile, the eohippi will have been scared
} enough to start a stampede. If you have positioned the tigers and
} eohippi correctly, the eohippi should race around frantically as they
} try to escape - first approaching the hole and then the sleeping
} tigers. Eventually they will march in panic over the tigers, hence
} killing them. That's the tigers out of the way - meanwhile, you now
} have a herd of eohippi running the wrong way.
}
} You should have positioned the statue of the fertility goddess on the
} other side of the bridge. The eohippi may be simple-minded creatures,
} but they know bad art when they see it - they'll run screaming in the
} other direction and into the hole. And that's the end of them.
}
} You still have the statue, a lot of axes and a fair bit of mammoth
} meat. I suggest you do the following: nothing. The mammoth meat
} (er - and the tiger meat) will naturally break down and will make a
} rich fertiliser. Trees, grass, flowers and assorted shrubs will
} soon cover the entire area. Trust me, in many millions of years time,
} this area will become a curiosity for hoardes of excited scientists,
} who will analyze and digitize the axes with glee.
}
} So you've now put all of those free gifts to use - you should feel
} proud; given enough time, nature will always find a solution, but it
} always helps to add a bit of mystery.
}
} P.S. I forgot the statue! Arrghh! Let's hope a passing troupe of
} extra-terrestrials take it as a souvenir of their stay on Planet
} Earth.
}
} Phew! I need a lie down after all that.


974-06    (5dwm8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@U.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who knows all holidays and celebrates them constantly,
> please enlighten your humble supplicant:
>
> What do I do with my Christmas tree now that Christmas is over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: <N>
}    Dear Supplicant.
}    Himself is sleeping off last night's Canasta game with a
} couple of Valkyries, but here in our bunker far below Indiana,
} these are some of the things _we've_ done with our office trees
} in years past:
}
}  '97  Left it where it was  and used it as a fragrant habitrail
}       for our termite colony.
}  '96  Kept it as a perch for our calling birds, French hens,
}       turtle doves, and partridge once the pear tree had died
}       from lack of watering.
}  '95  Played  hide-and-go-seek with the office kittycats.
}  '94  Scoured used bookstores for the Euell Gibbons cookbook.
}       and presented it to the cafeteria staff.
}  '93  Flipped lit matches at it.  (Carole Fungaroli won the
}       office pool!)
}  '92  Elected it Vice President.
}  '91  Flung ourselves upon it, naked, to see if acupuncture
}       does any good.  (It didn't, but we came up with several
}       creative answers for supplicants.)
}  '90  Kept it decorated as "Santa Bait" to see if, just maybe,
}       he would come more than just once a year.  Negatory.
}  '89  Borrowed  a woodchuck and... oh never mind.
}  '88  Got a head start on whittling _next_ year's presents.
}  '87  Flirted briefly with Fundamentalist Druidism.
}  '86  Snatched cast off trees from neighbors' rubbish piles
}       and decorated in a tasteful "Birnham Wood comes to the
}       Cubicle Warren" motif.
}                                            omniciently,
}                                                 <N>


974-07    (7iBh1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All seeing, all knowing omnipotent one, this is a question that has
> been bugging me for a while..
>
> If the budget for "Starship Troopers" was so high, how come they
> couldn't afford seperate male and female changing rooms and showers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a problem related to interstellar transport and contact with
} other species, that of 'shower room creep'.  Put simply, as the human
} race comes in contact with alien species of more and more complicated
} reproductive behaviour, the number of showers required to keep all
} possible genders separate increases exponentially.  After all, it
} doesn't make sense to have your megachron semi uncle cross-cousin
} sharing a shower with your twice removed grandsonmothersuperior while
} all of your semi-furtlebated munchkin aunts share with your younger
} brother.  That would be plain silly.  By the time the human race ended
} up converting one planet out of three into a giant shower complex, it
} was universally decided to dump the whole idea of segregrated showers.
}
} Throwing all genders and species together does cause its own problems,
} however, due to the huge number of body shapes and complex social
} customs, but that wasn't your question.
}
} You can repay The Oracle by volunteering one of your body orifaces for
} me to hide my crundible which I soap up my frond drippers.


974-08    (xik63 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. O. R. Acle,
>
>   It has come to our attention that your subscription to BIG CHICKS
> WITH BIGGER STAFFS (TM) has expired without renewal. Obviously, when a
> customer of over thirteen millenia such as yourself takes away his
> custom, we at Lusty Deities, Inc. take it seriously.
>
>   On the chance that this is represents nothing but an unfortunate
> mischance, we are offering you 50% off the normal subscription cost. To
> take advantage of this offer, simply contact us as soon as possible.
>
>   However, if you have chosen to allow your subscription to lapse, we
> would very much like to know what has changed to cause your loss in
> interest. Our records do show that you complained when we dropped the
> "Kinky ZOT" feature, but as you renewed your subscription fifty times
> since then, I feel sure that there must be something else.
>
>   Thank you for your time,
>
>   (signed)
>   I. Fehner
>   Editor in Chief
>   BIG CHICKS WITH BIGGER STAFFS
>   "Quality Masculine-Aspect Deity Entertainment --
>   Since Before Time had Meaning"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thankyou for you letter, i had failed to realise that the subscription
} had laspsed, please restart commencing with the next issue


974-09    (8jrh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent Oracle, whose words I'm not worthy
> to cross...
>
> I'm working on a crossword puzzle.  6 down is a
> six letter word for "omnicient being."  Any idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, I'd be only too happy to help.....HANG ON!
} I RECOGNISE THAT VOICE! Zadoc! Didn't I tell you to clean out
} the stables?
}
} > Curses! You can't get away with anything when your boss is
} > omnipotent!
}
} Why aren't you shovelling sh*t right now? I may not pay wages,
} but you get all the Communion wine you can drink. Which in your
} case led to me having to build a new cellar.
}
} > Master, I figured that since your incarnation is probably writing
} > this response in his employer's time, such procrastination was
} > not frowned upon so much these days.
}
} Hmm...you do have a point there, Zadoc. I'm going to have to
} consult. Oh and Zadoc?
}
} > Master?
}
} Go and clean out the stables, would you?
}
}   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 09:43:14
}   From: oracle
}   To: kinzler
}   Subject: I need your help
}
}   Steve, I'm having a bit of a dilemma here. Zadoc claims that since
}   all my incarnations take place on somebody else's time, he can
}   do what he wants on my time. Meanwhile the horses are up to their
}   knees in sh*t. What should I do?
}
}       Orrie
}
}   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:06:21
}   From: kinzler
}   To: oracle
}   Subject: Re: I need your help
}
}   Orrie,
}     Don't bother me right now. You can sort that sort of thing
}   out yourself. I'm doing a crossword puzzle. Omnicient being,
}   six letters. First letter 'O', third letter 'A'. What do you
}   reckon?
}
}         Steve
}
}   Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:06:22
}   From: oracle
}   To: kinzler
}   Subject: Re: Re: I need your help
}
}   I reckon this means you've got at least two more clues
}   than Zadoc has so far.
}
}      Orrie
}
}   Thu, 15 Jan 1998 10:07:41  rec.humor.oracle.d     Thread  1 of   1
}   Lines 58                  Anyone want a bot?          No responses
}   kinzler@cs.indiana.edu                               Steve Kinzler
}
}   Anyone want to take over the running of the running of the Oracle?
}   I've had enough..
}
}     Steve


974-10    (8gjmf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.  Og rub lizard dung in hair, not eat for days.  Not see
> friends, either.  Og lie with face on cold ground before O-ra-kul.
>
> Og read O-ra-kul-arity 972-05.  See Stanford geek pretend be Og.  Og
> angry. Og not Stanford geek.  Og mighty hunter!  Big!  Strong!  Og live
> in Midwest.
>
> Og ask:  How Og get back Og reputation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og silly mortal. Og try to fool mighty omniscient Oracle. Og make
} mistake. Og start several sentences with word other than 'Og'. Og is
} fake Og. Og pretending to be Og. Og realises mistake. Og pees pants.
} Og not mighty hunter. Og silly Midwestern geek. Og standing in smelly
} pool of yellow liquid.  Og watch Oracle push button. Og reappear in
} primeval dawn. Og holding club.
}
} Og not eat for days. Og hungry. Og go looking for McDonalds. Og not
} find McDonalds. Og find small flat frog. Og desperate. Og kill
} small flat frog.  Og joyous at kill. Og not realise frog stepped on
} by dinosaur three days before. Og still hungry. Og go looking for
} microwave oven. Og not find microwave oven. Og find flat rock heated
} by sun. Og sit on rock. Og burn backside. Og think several hours.
} Og put frog on rock. Og watch frog cook.  Og eat frog. Og joyous.
} Og not realise watching warthog laughing at Og. Og hear loud noise.
} Og see dinosaur. Og believe Og kill small frog. Og believe Og mighty
} hunter. Og raise club. Og threaten dinosaur. Og see dinosaur panic.
} Og see dinosaur flee. Og believe dinosaur scared, Og believe Og big
} fierce hunter. Og joyous. Og dance victory dance. Og see much larger
} dinosaur with big pointy teeth approaching at speed. Og pee pants.
} Og run.  Og see dinosaur slip in urine. Og see dinosaur split head
} open on rock. Og see chance.  Og dance victory dance on dinosaur.
} Og see blinding flash of light.
}
} Og reappear in present. Og see McDonalds. Og still hungry. Og go
} McDonalds.  Og order ten packet fries. Og asked if Og want fries
} with that. Og angry.  Og think McDonalds worker less intelligent
} than Og. (Og right) Og still have club. Og club McDonalds worker.
} Og in trouble. Og taken by police.  Og suddenly liberated by Animal
} Rights Activists. Og big hero. Og tell Animal Rights Activists
} about frog. Og not big hero. Og thrown out of car. Og walk street.
} Og see party. Og thirsty. Og think "party = drinks".  Og go party.
} Og notice party fancy dress party. Og win big prize. Og told lizard
} dung in hair deciding factor. Og joyous. Og dance victory dance.
} Og sing. Og offered recording contract. Og gets rocks off with
} female guests. Og big hero. Og reputation saved.
}
} Og owe Oracle recipe for sun-baked frog.


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