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Internet Oracularities #975

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975, 975-01, 975-02, 975-03, 975-04, 975-05, 975-06, 975-07, 975-08, 975-09, 975-10


Internet Oracularities #975    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 1998 14:47:52 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   975
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

975   83 votes 4gbtn 6fqme 4gqji 8hCf5 6gtn9 5dxp7 chiii 9mug6 9rsh2 7cvlc
975   3.1 mean  3.6   3.3   3.4   2.9   3.2   3.2   3.2   2.9   2.7   3.2


975-01    (4gbtn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They wanted to hit im and kill im.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Violent envy between words and word forms is not uncommon.  As soon as
} ain't was born, am and not vowed to destroy it, soliciting the
} assistance of I'm.  Ain't survived only by the assistance of informal
} usage, and to this day is not accepted in formal English.  When verb
} had the audacity to declare itself a verb as well as a noun, let alone
} a verb that acts on nouns, a good majority of the parts of speech
} descriptors were in an uproar, including but not limited to noun,
} adjective, adverb, and even participle.  And while hoity-toity is just
} about dead of old age, one can't help but suspect foul play.  (How one
} got such a notion is beyond me; numbers rarely fraternize with other
} adjectives, particularly silly ones.)
}
} Contractions continue to be the victims of formism, even after Word War
} II and the Merriam-Webster Treaty.  Some, a noted statesword, believes
} formism is dead, and that we live in a kinder, gentler vocabulary.
} Formism is actually being held in an underground dictionary, known as
} the Clue Crux Cant (CCC).
}
} They has always been strongly opposed to they're, and would,
} subsequently, have similar feelings about I'm.  They recently returned
} from a three-year vacation in India, studying Hindi and the rich
} language diversity of the nation.  They claims to have experienced rich
} spiritual growth, and is now a strong advocate for abolishing formism.
} They's previous followers and enemies alike are skeptical of they's new
} stance, given they's previous public formist speeches and actions
} against words such as I'm.
}
} You owe the Oracle word peace.


975-02    (6fqme dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most skillful and experienced Oracle, whose lovers can never believe
> their luck, please tell me something...
>
> I got an email circular advertizing a food-supplement that would make
> me have "SEX LIKE YOU'RE 18 AGAIN!!!"
>
> However I was a virgin at 18, so I don't really know what to expect.
>
> So, I realize it was a long time ago for you, but then you do have a
> perfect memory, so please tell me, what is sex like when you're 18?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DearsupplicantthanksforwritinghopethisanswersyourQUESTION!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


975-03    (4gqji dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why do we have two rival organizations both trying
> to be the professional association for computer workers?  (I speak, of
> course, of the ACM and the IEEE Computer Society.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen! For one night only! This Saturday night!
} The most collosal, stupendest, grudge match of the millenium!!!!
}
}         _______     ______   ________  ________  ___         ________
}        /\      \   /\     \ /\       \/\       \/\  \       /\       \
}       /  \      \ /  \     \  \       \ \       \ \  \     /  \       \
}      /    \______\    \_____\  \_______\ \_______\ \__\   /    \_______\
}     /     /  __   \   /     |  /       / /       / /  /  /     /       /
}    /     /  /\ \  |  /  /|  |\/____   / /  _____/ /  /  /     /  _____/
}   /     /  /__\/  / /  / |  |     /  / /  //     /  /  /     /  /___\
}  /     /  __   __/ /  /\ |  |    /  / /  //     /  /__/     /       /
} /     /  /  \  \  /  /__\/  /   /  / /  //     /  /   \    /  _____/
} \    /  /\  /  / /  ____   /   /  / /  / \    /  /_____\  /  /___\
}  \  /  /__\/  / /  /\  /  /\  /  / /  /   \  /         / /       /
}   \/_________/\/__/  \/__/  \/__/\/__/     \/_________/\/_______/
}              ______  _____       _______  __   __  _____
}             /\     \/\    \     /\      \/\ \ /\ \/\    \
}            /  \_____\ \____\    \ \______\ \_\  \_\ \____\
}           /   / __  / / ___/     \/__  __/ / /  / / / ___/
}          /   / / / / / /_\      /   / /   / /_\/ / / /_\
}         /   / / / / / ___/     /   / /   / ___  / / ___/
}         \  / /_/ / / /         \  / /\  / /  / / / /_\
}          \/_____/\/_/           \/_/  \/_/ \/_/\/____/
}           ____    ____  _________  ______      _____        _________
}          /\   \  /\   \/\        \/\     \    /\    \      /\        \
}         /  \   \/  \   \ \        \ \     \  /  \    \    /  \        \
}        /    \___\   \___\ \________\ \_____\/    \____\  /    \________\
}       /     /   |   /   / /        / /      \    /     \/     /        /
}      /     /    |  /   / /   _____/ /   _    |  /   _   \    /   _____/
}     /     /     | /   / /   / \    /   / |   | /   / |   |  /   / \
}    /     /      |/   / /   /___\  /   / /   / /   /  /   / /   /___\
}   /     /       /   / /        / /   /_/   / /   /  /   / /        /
}  /     /   /       / /   _____/ /      ___/ /   /  /   /\/____    /
} /     /   /|      / /   / \    /      |    /   /  /   /   \  /   /
} \    /   / |     / /   /___\  /   /|  |   /   /_/    /\____\/   /
}  \  /   /\ |    / /        / /   / |  |  /         /  /        /
}   \/___/  \|___/\/________/\/___/ \|__|\/________/  \/________/
}
} Live at the Oakland Collesium!!
}
} See GRIBBLE THE GEEK taking DORANCE THE DWEEB as these
} TITANS OF TABULATION grapple for King of the HEAP.
}
} Then feel the thrill of raw number crunching power when
} Percy's Pentium is demolished by THE CALCULATOR'S
}
}               v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v
}          > > >  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v  v < < <
}        > > >                                         < < <
}       > > >     M  O  N  S  T  E  R       V  A  X     < < <
}        > > >                                         < < <
}          > > >  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^ < < <
}               ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^  ^
}
} IT'S AN ALGORITHMIC EXPERIENCE THAT IS TOTALLY OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!
}
} Get your tickets at all BASS outlets.
}
} IT"S A MEGAFLOPPING FLEGAMIPPING EVENT YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS!!
}
} ONE NIGHT ONLY!     BATTLE OF THE NERDS!!!!!
}
} BE THERE!...BE THERE!...Be There...be there...there...there...there


975-04    (8hCf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Priests, priest, you are the best!
> On your knees, above the rest!
> Priests who I am unworthy to shine your clothes,
> lick your pets clean, or unroll your garden hose.
> Might sorter of humor from drivel,
> I ask you now to listen while I snivel:
>
>         I really want to know, why DO you guys
>         hang around that oracle lUser? I mean,
>         all you guys, including Zadoc, take way
>         to much abuse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, your eyes are blind
} to higher pleasures kith and kind
} The wonders of Oracular slavery
} rise way beyond mere human bravery
}
} To be a priest, your mind must turn
} To things beyond the mortal yearn
} To learn all you wish to know
} read and think on the lines below
}
} Priests love grovelling, priests love pain
} We live for suffering, loss and rain.
} We thrive on grief, and gorge on quips,
} we all wear leather, and love our whips.
}
} You owe the Oracular priesthood something cool to hang off our nipple
} rings.


975-05    (6gtn9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, sage of the age, who knows all and is willing to tell it
> like it is, please tell me...
>
> For years now, we've had all these caffine-free, salt-free and fat-free
> products on the grocery store shelves. What do the food processors
> do with all that caffine, salt and fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I'll have the caffine, salt, and fat extra value meal please."
}
} "You want fries with that?"


975-06    (5dxp7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Your Most Royal Majesty Firm But Fair And Judiciously Sound
> One-Vote-For-All-And-All-For-One Right Honourable Comrade Oracle
>
> What if governments were selected the same way as juries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.
}
} Let's see -
}
} The government would be deadlocked for months, trying to reach just one
} rational decision.
} Government officials would be insulated from the outside world.
} The guilty would go unpunished, while victims would be left to their
} own devices.
} There would be no such thing as personal responsibility, since
} everything would be someone else's fault.
}
} Not much difference at all, I'm afraid.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to the polls.


975-07    (chiii dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ========================================================================
> CERTS Advisory CA-98.42
> Jan 08, 1998
>
> Topic: o1k problems in Internet Oracularities software
>
> The text of this advisory was originally released on Jan 07, 1998,
> as OERT Advisory OE-98.01, developed by the Oracular Computer
> Emergency Response Team. Because of the seriousness of the problem, we
> are reprinting the OERT advisory here with their permission. Only
> the contact information at the end has changed: OERT contact
> information has been replaced with CERTS/CC contact information. As
> usual, we will place updated information in a README file
> (ftp://info.certs.org/pub/certs_advisories/CA-98.42.README).
>
> Note: The vulnerability described in this advisory will be actively
> exploited.
>
> ========================================================================
>
> The Oracular Computer Emergency Response Team (OERT) has received
> information that code, as found in the software used for creating
> Internet Oracularities, contains a security vulnerability.  Programs
> using this code may be vulnerable to attack.
>
> OERT recommends that sites that have installed any program
> incorporating the vulnerable code apply one of the workarounds
> as described in Section 3.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 1.  Description
>
>     A security vulnerability has been reported in example
>     Oracularities code.
>
>     * Any zottings in Internet Oracularities #1000 may be redirected
>       to anyone or anything, including the Oracle {him|her|it}self,
>       Steve Kinzler, Socks Clinton, Lisa's jewel case, (and you don't
>       have to be omniscient to predict that she'll get mad if all her
>       jewelry is melted), the MIR and indiana.edu's mailserver.
>
>     * Any mentioning of woodchucks in Internet Oracularities #1000
>       will result in having the Temple of Oracularities filled with
>       mutant zot-resistant rodents.
>
>     * Any complaints of no groveling in Internet Oracularities #1000
>       will result in having the incarnation haunted by mutant
>       zot-resistant insurance salesmen.
>
>     * Any poems or songs in Internet Oracularities #1000 will result
>       in having the Temple of Oracularities filled with mutant
>       zot-resistant singing Smurfs.
>
>     * Any mentioning of any-coloured fighting fish in Internet
>       Oracularities #1000  will result in having the Temple of
>       Oracularities flooded.
>
>     * Any misspelling of Kirsten's name in Internet Oracularities
>       #1000 will result in severe complaints to rec.humor.oracle.d.
>
>     * Any fee in Internet Oracularities #1000 will be payed _from_
>       the Oracle _to_ the supplicant.
>
>     * Any mentioning of Bill Gates, MicroSoft or Windows* in Internet
>       Oracularities  #1000 will result in forcing the incarnation to
>       use MS-products 24 hours a day for the rest of {his|her|its}
>       life.
>
> 2.  Impact
>
>     Internet Oracularities #1000 may result in a disaster.
>
> 3.  Workarounds
>
>     The use of certain oracular library calls (including zot(),
>     complain() and fee()) in security critical code has been a
>     notorious source of security vulnerabilities.  Good security
>     coding practice usually dictates that easily exploitable system or
>     library calls should not be used.
>
>     Sites planning to install or write their own oracular programs are
>     encouraged to read the references in Section 4 first.
>
>     3.1.  Remove Oracular programs
>
>         This will of course solve the problem, but it will also
>         create a new problem:  The Oracle will no longer be able to
>         answer questions.  As a lot of people are depending on the
>         Oracle to give them advice, this will result in several
>         suicides (however, the number of *zot* wounds will
>         decrease), a lot of over-worked psychologists and will give
>         any stupid swindler a new opportunity to MAKE.MONEY.FAST.
>
>     3.2.  Rewrite Oracular programs
>
>         OERT recommends that sites which are currently using CGI
>         programs which use shell-based library calls (such as zot())
>         consider rewriting these programs to remove direct calls to
>         easily compromised library functions.
>
>     3.5         Remove suid-bits from oracular programs.
>         This will make it more difficult to delegate work to others,
>         (unless you really want to give Zadoc the Password) but it
>         will be much more secure. Alternatively, you can have a look
>         at sudo, or something similar.
>
>     3.4.  Take care to avoid potential dangerous answers
>
>         As there is often a significant delay between submission of
>         an answer and the digestion, these precautions should be
>         taken to all answers that may be digested until Internet
>         Oracularities #1001. (And as the priests' sense of humour
>         may be a bit weird at times _all_ answers may be digested.)
>
>         * Avoid Zotting. (Or if you get really mad, zot them without
>           telling them what you are going to do.  After all they'll
>           find that out soon enough.  Alternatively you can just zot
>           Zadoc after finishing your answer.
>         * Get that woodchuck filter up and working _now_!
>         * Don't answer any questions without proper groveling before
>           Oracularities #1001 is published.
>         * Same with questions containing poems or references to
>           fish.  (You'd better send Paul and all his diciples on
>           vacation to somewhere far away from any computer.  Iran
>           should work well.)
>         * Have Kirsten change her name to something easier to spell.
>         * Take care when demanding fees.  For example 'You owe the
>           Oracle a black eye' should work well.  (Of course if that
>           particular answer isn't digested, or get into another
>           digest, you've got a problem.
>         * Make sure Bill Gates are out of buisniess before #1000 is
>           selected
>
>         If you really need to break those rules, there are
>         however a few tricks you can use to avoid geting selected:
>
>         * Add 'http://www.hotmail.com/' at the end of your answer.
>         * 3L1T3 style spelling.
>         * Answer only with '*ZOT*'
>
>         This is however not secure.
>
> 4.  Additional measures
>
>     Numerous resources relating to oracular security are available.
>     The following pages provide a useful starting point.  They include
>     links describing general oracular security, secure orried setup
>     and secure oracular programming.
>
>         The Oracular Security FAQ:
>            http://www.eecs.uindiana.edu/WWW/faqs/orrie-security-faq.html
>
>         NSCA's "Security Concerns with the Oracle" Page:
>            http://haahaa.ncsa.uiac.edu/security/oracle.html
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> OERT thanks no one, because we want to get all the honour for this
> ourselves.
> ========================================================================
>
> OERT Contact Information
> ------------------------
> If you believe that your system has been compromised, don't bother
> contacting the OERT Coordination Center or your representative in the
> Liga of Arrogant Security Teams (LAST).
>
> We strongly urge you not to encrypt any sensitive information you send
> by email. That would just give us extra work.
> The OERT Coordination Center can not support a shared DES key and PGP.
> Avoid contacting the OERT staff for more information.
>
> Location of CERTS PGP key
>          ftp://localhost/dev/zero
>
> Email    postmaster@langnese.nvg.unit.no
>
> Phone    Don't call us - we'll call you.
>
> Postal address
>         OERT Coordination Center
>         Oracular Engineering Institute
>         Indiana University
>
> OERT advisories and bulletins are also posted on the USENET newsgroup
>         oracle.security.announce
>
> OERT is a service mark of University of Indiana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, wait a minute, this isn't a question! I won't stand for it!
}
}       >>>   ZOT!   <<<
}
} (Lisa in background): My best shoes! (In the well known Lisa "Voice of
} Death"(tm)) ORRIE!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a couch and enough flowers to make that whole
} Princess Di thing look like a Spice Girls press conference.


975-08    (9mug6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> why has haiku suddenly
> become so trendy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poet supplicant
} in answer to your query
} haiku is just cool
}
} it is rumored that
} many fierce haiku battles
} are fought by e-mail
}
} syllables counted
} words considered and chosen
} and haiku let fly
}
} sharp edged poetry
} verbal obliteration
} to destroy the foe
}
} Now, mortal, although
} you thought your lack of grovel
} was not noticed : **ZOT**
}
} Pay the Oracle
} a twenty stanza grovel
} in the style of Poe


975-09    (9rsh2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, answer my cries.
>
> I totally love alt.cesium on USENET.
> But I'm British and very proud. I find it unthinakable that I
> can patronise a group that perverts the English language so.
> Cesium should really be spelt csium or at the very least as
> caesium to comply with 7bit ASCII.
>
> What should I do mighty Oracle?
> Can I reconcile my my superior British spelling and standards
> with my love of nonsense and malarkey? Help me I beg.
>
>     dMMMM .aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb  dMP.aMMMb.aMMMMb  dMP.aMMMb .aMMMb
>     .aMMMb dMPdMMMM
>    dMP   dMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPadMPdMP"VMPMP
>    .PP"adMPdMP"VMPdMP"dMPdMP"dMPadMPdMP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly supplicant; STOP EATING THE BEEF!! "dMP VMMP.dPMMP dMP" doesn't
} mean anything anywhere in the universe (apart from the third planet of
} the Phrygrianne constellation where it is an old proverb that says "The
} Prince Regent's ears are very large.").
}
} If you're worried about anything in the world, and you're British, then
} there's an easy solution. Simply 'donate' one million pounds to The
} Labour Party, and lo and behold, within days an 'Internet Censorship
} and Proper Naming of Newsgroups' law will be passed. Tony Blair will
} then leave the country to visit The Whitehouse, The Kremlin, The
} Gikaigikan, Saks Fifth Avenue, and Indiana to encourage the entire free
} world that there is some obscure reason why the newsgroup should be
} called 'alt.caesium'.
}
} You then leak stories of your donation to the tabloid press (this works
} much better if you have big tits). The Labour Party will be embarrassed
} into returning your 'donation' but will keep on working on your behalf
} because otherwise it will be too obvious that it was a bribe. And
} within weeks all your problems will be solved. By the laws of the
} conservation of problems, equal but opposite problems will have been
} created for the Labour Party, but there's no election for years so that
} can be conveniently ignored.
}
} You owe The Oracle a few strong arm tactics on Jackie Stewart to make
} him shut up about sponsorship.


975-10    (7cvlc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OG'S GET SPEAR QUICK METHOD
>
> Og here. Og know good way get many spears. Og share this with
> you cause Og like you. Og's plan works like this. Og gave one
> spear to each Og on list. Og then remove top name. Og next put
> his name at bottom of list. Og then send list to you. Og say
> is it so much to risk giving many spears away. Og say you get
> many more back when you pass list on.
>
> One    Og, big cave by little waterfall
> Two    Og, big cave by little waterfall
> Three  Og, big cave by little waterfall
> Many   Og, big cave by little waterfall
>
> Og say send your spears now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle notice same Og in all four positions.  Oracle wonder if Og
} cheating.  Oracle remember honesty best policy.  Oracle spot flaw
} in program.  Oracle notice exponential growth, limited population.
} Oracle think program fail after few iterations.  (Oracle hope Og not
} bothered by big technical terms.)
}
} Oracle see additional flaw in program.  Oracle not good at catching
} spears.  Oracle hope Og better catcher than Oracle.  Oracle ask, how
} many spears Og get so far?  Oracle afraid Oracle need bigger closet
} if program successful.  Oracle throw four spears to Og, see how good
} program is.
}
} Og owe Oracle big pointy rock buildings in Egypt.


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