> To: Mr. Zadoc D. Worm
> From: The Internet Omniscius
> Subject: Openings for Qualified Individuals
> Dear Mr. Worm,
> Please allow this letter to serve as introduction to The
> Internet Omniscius, the newest Internet wisdom provider! The
> field of Internet wisdom dispensation has long been dominated by
> the monopolistic and domineering business practices of "The Internet
> Oracle*," easily the most successful--indeed the only--competitor in
> the industry.
> But no longer! Thanks to a decision by the Universal Supreme Court,
> many of the restrictions on wisdom dispensation have been lifted,
> allowing a new competitor to arise--The Internet Omniscius!
> According to our records, you are currently employed by The
> Internet Oracle, at a salary of $0. We have an opening for an Chief
> Worm with YOUR qualifications, and you would start at at least
> $40,000 a year, perhaps more! Perhaps a LOT more!
> Before you make up your mind, please take a moment to review the
> advantages the Internet Omniscius offers over outdated services like
> The Oracle:
> ---Time required to answer questions
> *The Oracle: Service is unpredictable and business-oriented.
> Sometimes an answer may be received within an hour, but usually it
> requires at least a day, sometimes more. Sometimes a LOT more.
> *The Omniscius: You will receive an answer within 4 hours, GARUNTEED!
> No waiting, no wondering, no problem!
> ---Quality of answers
> *The Oracle: Again, choppy and unpredictable. Sometimes the answers
> don't seem to relate to the question--how useful is that?
> Sure, you can re-submit your question, if you don't mind waiting
> at the back of the queue.
> *The Omniscius: All answers are carefully reviewed by a multi-national
> team of experts for quality, clarity, and brevity. No
> page-long stream-of-consciousness answers here!
> ---Permitted questions
> *The Oracle: Try asking a question about a woodchuck, or include
> some of your own prose, or omit the ever-necessary "grovel." At best,
> you'll get a petulant reply... or you might get the ZOT(tm)!
> *The Omniscius: All questions are fair game, and you never need to
> grovel. You'll always get a carefully considered answer, balanced
> and fair. And you'll never, never get ZOTted.
> *The Oracle: Do you have Gondwanaland stuffed in your junk drawer?
> Have a doctoral thesis on the impermeability of matter laying around?
> These are typical requirements for the substandard, subjective
> answers the Oracle gives.
> *The Omniscius: Payment is simple. The first five questions are
> FREE! After that, a 50 cent charge is applied to all questions for
> administration fees. The Omniscius accepts all major credit cards.
> So as you can see, you're working for an employer who will shortly be
> out of a job himself. The Omniscius is an equal-opportunity
> employer, and treats its Worms well. Please consider our offer and
> reply via certified ethermail.
> Ralph P. Lederhosen, President, The Internet Omniscius
> *"The Internet Oracle" and "The Oracle" are trademarks of
> Oracular Enterprises, Inc.