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Internet Oracularities #977

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Internet Oracularities #977    (78 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Jan 1998 08:47:17 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   977
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

977   78 votes 8isj5 6jile 4gyl3 8kAb3 5mpk6 3cqne dfmia jum52 ajnl5 6iwg6
977   2.9 mean  2.9   3.2   3.0   2.8   3.0   3.4   3.0   2.2   2.9   3.0


977-01    (8isj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never has nightmares...
>
> What was *your* most memorable dream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never has nightmares??? Why, I could tell you a tale of a certain dream
} involving Edgar Allen Poe, a woodchuck, The San Francisco Treat and...
} but I digress. That wasn't your question, was it?
}
} Having lived for several thousand years, averaging three dreams a
} night, and being the most creative being on the planet (if I do say
} so Myself) one would expect me to have a large field to draw upon.
} But it wasn't until I started keeping a Dream Diary back in the Sixties
} (sorry, that's the 1760's) that I actually remember any of them.
} Even a brain as commodious as mine has to perform housekeeping once
} in a while.
}
} Say, what's your clearance level anyway? Some of this stuff is
} pretty... sensitive. Let's just check the records - aaahh, Supplicant
} Level Taupe. So I can't tell you about that one... Or that one...
} That one has actually happened since then... That one involves concepts
} that would drive you insane...  That one won't be publishable until
} the Board of Censors drops acid in 2002...  Hmmmph. Let me tell you
} about my Twelfth Most Memorable Dream.
}
} I'm walking down a long corridor. There is fog in the corridor, but
} that seems normal. Suddenly, out of the mist emerges Zadoc, wearing
} an ornate crown and bizarrely decorated robes. "Bow down before me!"
} he cries, "I'm in charge now!"
}
} "Zadoc," I replied, "Get back in your own head. I'm busy."
}
} "Erk!" He said, obviously taken aback, "Errr... I'll be going then."
} And with that, he disappeared into the mist, muttering something about
} ripping pages out of my Dream Diary in the morning. I continued on,
} down the long, featureless corridor.
}
} Suddenly, it's my fourteenth birthday party and I'm not wearing any
} pants.  Seizing the initiative, I point at someone at random (Otis,
} as it happens) and cry, "He's got pants on!" and start laughing.
} Everybody joins in, and nobody comments on my state of deshabille.
} I make a mental note to bear this in mind if it ever happens again.
}
} I know I have to be somewhere urgently, but I can't get a cab.
} I start running, and in a blur I'm outside the Oracular Temple.
} But the doors are locked and I know they've started without me.
} I get really, really angry...
}
} Then I woke up and found most of the Priests cowering behind makeshift
} barricades, while all my bedroom furniture burned merrily. It was
} after that I stopped sleeping with the Staff of Zot and switched to
} a blankie.
}
} You owe the Oracle pages 52-76 inclusive from his Dream Diary.
} I'm sure there was something even worse in there...


977-02    (6jile dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Mr. Zadoc D. Worm
> From: The Internet Omniscius
> Subject: Openings for Qualified Individuals
>
> Dear Mr. Worm,
>
> Please  allow  this  letter  to  serve  as  introduction  to  The
> Internet Omniscius,  the  newest  Internet  wisdom  provider!  The
> field of Internet wisdom  dispensation  has  long  been  dominated  by
> the  monopolistic and domineering  business  practices of "The Internet
> Oracle*," easily the most successful--indeed the only--competitor in
> the industry.
>
> But  no  longer!  Thanks to a decision by the Universal Supreme Court,
> many of the restrictions on wisdom dispensation have been lifted,
> allowing a new competitor to arise--The Internet Omniscius!
>
> According  to  our  records,  you  are  currently  employed by The
> Internet Oracle,  at a salary of $0.  We have an opening for an Chief
> Worm with YOUR qualifications,  and  you  would  start at at least
> $40,000 a year, perhaps more!  Perhaps a LOT more!
>
> Before you make up your mind, please take a moment to review the
> advantages the Internet Omniscius offers over outdated services like
> The Oracle:
>
> ---Time required to answer questions
> *The  Oracle: Service is unpredictable and business-oriented.
> Sometimes an answer  may  be received within an hour, but usually it
> requires at least a day, sometimes more.  Sometimes a LOT more.
> *The  Omniscius:  You will receive an answer within 4 hours, GARUNTEED!
> No waiting, no wondering, no problem!
>
> ---Quality of answers
> *The  Oracle: Again, choppy and unpredictable.  Sometimes the answers
> don't seem  to  relate  to  the  question--how  useful  is  that?
> Sure, you can re-submit  your  question,  if  you  don't  mind waiting
> at the back of the queue.
> *The Omniscius: All answers are carefully reviewed by a multi-national
> team of   experts   for   quality,   clarity,   and   brevity.    No
> page-long stream-of-consciousness answers here!
>
> ---Permitted questions
> *The  Oracle:  Try  asking a question about a woodchuck, or include
> some of your own prose, or omit the ever-necessary "grovel."  At best,
> you'll get a petulant reply... or you might get the ZOT(tm)!
> *The  Omniscius: All questions are fair game, and you never need to
> grovel. You'll  always  get  a carefully considered answer, balanced
> and fair.  And you'll never, never get ZOTted.
>
> ---Payment
> *The  Oracle: Do you have Gondwanaland stuffed in your junk drawer?
> Have a doctoral  thesis  on the impermeability of matter laying around?
> These are typical  requirements  for  the  substandard, subjective
> answers the Oracle gives.
> *The  Omniscius:  Payment  is  simple.   The first five questions are
> FREE! After that, a 50 cent charge is applied to all questions for
> administration fees.  The Omniscius accepts all major credit cards.
>
> So  as  you can see, you're working for an employer who will shortly be
> out of  a  job  himself.   The  Omniscius is an equal-opportunity
> employer, and treats  its  Worms well.  Please consider our offer and
> reply via certified ethermail.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> (signed)
>
> Ralph P. Lederhosen, President, The Internet Omniscius
> -------------
> *"The  Internet  Oracle"  and  "The  Oracle"  are  trademarks  of
> Oracular Enterprises, Inc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 21st Jan. 1998
}
} Mr Ralph P. Lederhosen,
} President,
} The Internet Omniscius,
} Stanford,
} United States of America.
}
} Dear Mr Lederhosen,
}
} Thank you for your recent offer which I am pleased to accept. I'm
} looking forward to working for your company, more for the excellent
} working environment that you describe than for the renumeration.
} I know that I shouldn't grumble about my present employer in my
} acceptance letter, but you wouldn't believe the last task I was
} given. That so-called 'Usenet Oracle' beamed me back in time, way
} down in size, and deposited me inside what I can only describe as
} the deep internals of a woman. I then had to find the one sperm
} among millions that was wearing a suit and carrying a tiny briefcase,
} distract it for a minute by asking it to answer a few questions for a
} marketing survey and, Mr Lederhosen? MR LEDERHOSEN?!?!?!?
}
} (sigh)
}
} I remain,
}
} Yours in perpetual slavery,
}
} Zadoc P Worm.


977-03    (4gyl3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Date: 01/21/98
> Sir,
>    I want to know the exact price listings-incuding freight,tax etc-for
> your product "ORACLE 8 ENTERPRISE EDITION".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}   Welcome! I see that you have arrived from another reality. As you
} know, due to the quantum nature of this universe, whereby it every
} different quantum position indicates a different reality, it is entirely
} possible to 'flip' from one reality to another without even realising
} it.
}
} In the reality in which I choose to offer my services, there are only
} twelve months in the year. Not every Roman Emperor who wanted a month
} named after him got one. Hence, Caliglary, the 21st month, doesn't
} exist. As you cannot possibly have sent this request on the first of
} Caliglary, I conclude that you have inadvertantly flipped reality.
} Alternatively, you may just be using the non-standard American
} 'MM/DD/YY' format.
}
} Anyway, back to your question. The prices for the 'Oracle 8 Enterprise
} System[TM]' are as follows:
}
} Basic Starship Package: 500 million Galactic Credits. There is a 10%
} discount for orders from Starfleet and all Aligned worlds. We are
} sorry, but we are unable to take orders from non-Human races.
} (Registration and delivery 20 million Credits extra.)
}
} 5-Year Warranty and Maintainance Plan: Each new starship comes with a
} FREE one year warranty. For only 100 million Credits extra, upgrade to
} a full five year cover plan, including servicing and maintainence.
} (This offer is voided if you take this starship out of Federation
} space, enter any wormholes or engage enemy Romulan or Borg vessels.)
}
} FREE! A YEARS SUPPLY OF DILITHIUM CRYSTALS!
}
} As a reward for your interest in the Oracle 8 Enterprise System[TM], we
} have entered your name into our FREE prize draw. First prize is a
} year's supply of dilithium crystals, fully compatible with the Oracle 8
} Enterprise. No purchase necessary. Available only to humans over the
} age of 18.
}
} We tahnk you for your interest, and hope you have many happy years
} boldly going where no nerd has gone before.


977-04    (8kAb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle who would never have to return home three times for
> things The Oracle had forgotten, unlike a certain supplicant I could
> name.
>
> O Oracle, I have noticed over the last few months that Og not only gets
> to roam the countryside (well, what else is there?) surrounding his
> cave, but also seems to get teleported to all sorts of intersting
> places in time and space. However, his wife Ogwa never ever seems to
> leave the cave. What with all the slicing up mammoth meat, preparing
> animal skins, and the results of Og's lusty appetites and 100,000BC
> contraception. I also thought it was particularly cruel to allow Og to
> return with the Giorgio Armani dress without telling Ogwa that silk
> should never be washed by putting it in a river and beating it with a
> rock. Oracle, couldn't you see fit to give her some kind of an
> adventure too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why? It might create a precedent that could ripple down through time
} and space and cause untold havoc. Like wars could be avoided, peace
} might break out, science could flourish, our society could become more
} compassionate, we could have lots of pretty things instead of the
} monstrosities we build now, or Lisa could be in charge. Or, even
} worse, Zadoc.
}
} I like things just as they are.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Female Eunuch". Autographed by Ogwa.


977-05    (5mpk6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <grovel>
> how much would wood S woodchuck chcukk, if a woodchuck ccould cHuk wod?
> -----------------
> Are you tired of questions like these?  Just because you know
> everything, does that mean you have to answer questions like THOSE?
> Well, my friend, the answer is NOT ANY MORE!!!
>
> Yes, NevoCom has produced a wide array of anti-anoying question
> equipment! Let me tell you about a few, you see, a good setup for this
> is based on the same principlesas if you were defending a base from
> attack.
>
> Outer peremiter Fencing.
>
> Filtering software is not new, but there is none out there like this
> Baby! All those others are passive, waiting for mail to come to it! not
> this one! it activly replicates and searches out problem sites
> preventing all mail to your address from AOL or other problem areas AT
> THE SOURCE!  No longer will you be pestered by inane questions from the
> cesspools of thought!
>
> Mine Fields.
>
> Once the mail gets to your mailserver it just sits there waiting to
> read, the good along with the bad.  This one will eliminate problem
> mail AS IT ARIVES by anylizing the contents!  you can set for search
> words and tolerence (None, below a set number, and custom) None: well,
> set this baby on for the word Woodchuck, and NO MAIL WITH THAT WORD
> will ever apear in your box!  Likewise for the below a set number, if
> it has more instances of a word than you want it is dead.  (for real
> fun, set the word is to under 3 uses)
>
> And on top of that, it has aditional features!  Now that the mail is
> nuked and you have been spared reading the drivel, why should they
> escape punishment you surely would have given them?  Well, you can set
> many factors, and based on those have it provide many diferent
> reactions!  Everything from a full zot to giving the suplicants
> unlisted phone number to their EX! It can also handle your normal
> divine powers as well, and send those at the pitiful worms!
>
> Sound great? of course it is!
>
> now, how much would you pay for this? wait..don't answer, THERE IS
> MORE! Yes, order now and get this book of 1,001 ways to humiliate
> Zadoc! and how about this fabulous set of Ginsu knives?
>
> All this, for just 3 EASY payments of 999.99! whatta bargain Whatta
> deal!
>
> So, Oh grand oracle whom I am not worthy to lick the soles of your
> sandles clean after you walked in a dung heap, please tell me...  Do we
> have a deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ATTENTION - This is an automated response>
}
} Your recent email has been found to contain unsolicited sales
} materials and has therefore been bounced by the Mailsystem.
}
} If there has been a mistake, then your apology is accepted.
}
} Please find a suitable attachment included
}
} <Attachment - ZOT.EXE>
}
} You owe the Oracle Mailsystem, a dictionary and a book of grammar.


977-06    (3cqne dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-P :-)
> :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't believe it!  It's the tedious supplicant and his whole army
} of inane Internet accomplices!  The very people who sit there all
} day send nothing but null questions, the woodchuck question, and
} their variants!  And they've surrendered themselves to my mercy!
} What a lucky day for me, muhahaha!
}
} WELL tedious supplicant, welcome to my home away from home!  I trust
} you find the accomodations, shall we say...comfortable?
}
}      :-P
}
} You're an insolent one, aren't you?  Didn't your parents teach you any
} manners?  Let's see if you're so brave after a meeting with my crotch
} laser!
}
}       [O=Crotch====O)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
}       [O=Laser(tm)=O)
}
} Ha ha!  Well what do you think of that??!?!
}
}      :-P
}
} Still sticking your tongue out at me, are you?  Hrmmmph.  Well you won't
} be so disrespectful when I introduce you to my tank of vicious man-
} eating sharks!!!!
}
}         _|\_
}       ><__=_O
}
} Ha ha ha!  So what about that?
}
}       :-P.
}
} Crimony!  Is there nothing that you are afraid of???  Perhaps I have
} underestimated your willpower, you're much more crafty than...uh, excuse
} me...what's that coming out of your mouth??
}
}      :-P...
}
} Is that drool?  Oh my, that *is* drool.  You haven't understood a word
} I've said, have you?
}
} You know, I had interpreted all these inane questions as being the
} result of insolence, or perhaps malice...yet it turns out that you
} individuals merely have the IQ of broccoli, and hence lack the mental
} capacity to compose decent questions.  I should be more sympathetic,
} and turn the other cheek, and...
}
}      :-O..how much wood could a...?
}
} Strike that!  Think Darwin!
}
}      *ZOT*
}
} You owe the Oracle an idea for how to viciously mangle the rest of these
} beasts.
}
}               :-( :-( :-[
}               :-O :-( :-(
}               :-(     :-(
}               :-( :-O :-(
}               :-< :-( :-(


977-07    (dfmia dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Life encompasses many experiences including sex.  If the answer to the
> question of life is 42, why is the answer to the question of sex
> invariably "no" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How much attention do you pay to your personal hygiene?


977-08    (jum52 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All seeing, all knowing Oracle please tell me
>
> Exactly how much fissionable material has been smuggled out of Russia
> and who has it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eighteen tons. Steve Case and Bill Gates have it and they are using to
} send deadly radiation through the internet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a billion dollars.


977-09    (ajnl5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can i find a gateway that will take my email and convert it into
> a fax message for _France_?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Worthless Supplicant, your lack of grovelling should be immediately
} punished with a *ZOT*. However, since your email is important enough to
} be sent to 60 million people, duty will prevail.
}
} ZADOC!!
}
} (Enter Zadoc the Priest, wringing his hands while bowing, in a
} particularly snivelling manner)
}
} ZADOC: Yes, your munificent munificentness?
}
} ORACLE: Oh stop kissing my feet, you blithering idiot. Get the
} photocopier. We have some copying to do.
}
} ZADOC: Certainly, Master. How many copies will Your Grace be requiring
} this time? 10?
}
} ORACLE: No I'm not sending a fax to Maria's lawyers this time. Here we
} have a Supplicant who has an email so important it must be sent to the
} whole population of France. We need 60 million copies.
}
} (Zadoc blanches)
}
} ZADOC: 60 *MILLION*!?
}
} ORACLE: That's right. And I suppose you'd better call the service
} engineer as well, seeing as we only have 30 million copies left before
} the next service is due.
}
} ZADOC: I'm going to need some help with this one, or you won't get
} served dinner until Saturday. KENDAI!!
}
} (Enter Kendai. He is dressed like Zadoc, but cannot be more than 16
} years old. He is chewing gum and looks bored.)
}
} ORACLE: Kendai? Who he?
}
} ZADOC: He's our new Work Experience priest, Master.
}
} KENDAI: Yeah? What d'you want?
}
} ZADOC: Kendai! You must grovel to His Omnicience!
}
} (He slaps Kendai)
}
} KENDAI: OW! What was that for?
}
} ORACLE: It is the way of the world. Lisa slaps me, I slap Zadoc, and
} Zadoc slaps you.
}
} KENDAI: And who do I slap then?
}
} ZADOC: You slap nobody. You must grovel here for 30 years before you
} get to slap anybody.
}
} KENDAI: What, *now*? That'll take er....(scratches head) ...thirty
} years!
}
} ORACLE: Kendai, you may take grovelling lessons from Zadoc after this
} task I set you. Believe me, you will find no better Master of the
} Grovel. Zadoc, while you're at it, enroll the Supplicant as well. He
} obviously needs a few lessons.
}
} ZADOC: A wonderful idea, Glorious Fountain of Knowledge!
}
} ORACLE: Right you two, enough yabbering, I want 60 million copies by
} 5pm. Can you do it?
}
} KENDAI: (shrug) Suppose...
}
} ORACLE: Right, Photocopy! Photocopy like the wind!
}
} (Fast forward to 5pm. On the Director's Cut, perhaps show a clock with
} the hands spinning round. Enter Kendai, still chewing gum and bored. He
} is followed by Zadoc.)
}
} KENDAI: OK, what do want us to do with the copies?
}
} (Zadoc slaps him)
}
} KENDAI: I mean er.. what do you want us to do with the copies, GUV?
}
} ORACLE: Zadoc, get your nose off the floor. I assume you've addressed
} all the copies and stuck the stamps on?
}
} KENDAI: (sniff) Yeah, we did that n' all.
}
} ZADOC: Ush. Oo need to gut un automatic shtamp licker, Mashter.
}
} ORACLE: Right, post them! It's about time the Priests in the Post Room
} had something to do.
}
} KENDAI: Whatever you say, Guv.
}
} (Exit Zadoc, bowing. Exit Kendai, slouching.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Work Experience Priest.
} And an automatic stamp licker.


977-10    (6iwg6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how much wood would actually get chucked if a woodchuck that might
> chuck wood, was chucked by a woodchuck chucker that might chuck
> woodchucks and who was in turn chucked by a woodchuck chucker chucker
> during his woodchuck chucking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We have considered your hypothetical question carefully. Opinions
} differ.  The evidence, such as it is, is contradictory.
}
}     Noah took no woodchucks with him on the Ark, which suggests an
}     awesome capacity to inflict damage on the timber vessel, so their
}     survival of the Flood is something of a mystery. But then, the
}     Bible does not mention woodpeckers, either. It would be pleasant
}     to think that these two species which are such bitter rivals
}     in their natural habitat today found a way to help each other
}     through that time of crisis. But we really do not know.
}
}     The largest woodchuck in captivity is owned by Mrs Muriel Sprant,
}     a spinster of uncertain age and sex of Bath, England. Basil, as
}     he is called, is taken for a daily walk by Mrs Sprant's butler.
}     He is too well-bred to chuck wood. So is Basil.
}
}     The first draft of the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster
}     Manual had a description of a Giant Woodchuck similar in all
}     respects to the Giant Rat which replaced it in the printed version
}     except for its special attack mode (2d10 lbs per melee round).
}     The change is generally considered to have been a Good Thing.
}
}     A. A. Milne's children's classic originally featured Winnie the
}     Woodchuck. Apparently, Milne's son had invented a private game
}     called "woodchucksticks", which consisted of dropping twigs into
}     a stream from a bridge then waiting for them to reappear on the
}     other side.  Milne's publisher persuaded him to write up this
}     charming anecdote but to change the main character with an eye
}     to future motion picture rights, something for which the younger
}     Milne never forgave his father.
}
}     If you play "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered
}     Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict" by the Pink Floyd,
}     backwards at half speed, there is a loud thump near the end.
}     That is, near the beginning. Only about twenty grams, but close
}     to the microphone.
}
}     The Internet Oracle, whom the Gods preserve, of Indiana, USA,
}     has been trying unsuccessfully for several years to overcome a
}     reputation as a fanatical woodchuck antagonist. "It started as a
}     joke," he maintains, "I really love them, they are cute little
}     creatures with respectable family lives." He is still awaiting
}     the replacement of the panda in the WWF logo by a wide-eyed baby
}     woodchuck, a payment requested 2 years ago for a list of 101
}     ways to save the whale, any one of which would have resulted in
}     a worldwide glut of processed catfood. His estimate is "4 chords
}     at most. A bit more if the woodchuck is a member of the Teamsters.
}     But on the whole, they are more fightened of you than you are
}     of them. If you make no sudden threatening moves they'll leave
}     you alone."
}
} You owe the World Woodchuck Liberation Front a donation to help
} preserve these fascinating creatures for your children.
}
}                                [WWLF logo]


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