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Internet Oracularities #978

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978, 978-01, 978-02, 978-03, 978-04, 978-05, 978-06, 978-07, 978-08, 978-09, 978-10


Internet Oracularities #978    (91 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 09:46:19 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   978
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

978   91 votes 69pxi 7bntl 3bxtf 3eAv7 9kske afrof 6mFi4 4sBf7 afqmi heso8
978   3.2 mean  3.5   3.5   3.5   3.3   3.1   3.2   2.9   2.9   3.3   2.9


978-01    (69pxi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'ere! Wotcha geezer! Oh 'eck, I s'pose I bettuh grovul 'ere, in'I?
> Um..."Mighty Oracle, wot can do anyfink 'e wonts, even put a monkey on
> a 20-1 shot at the dogs and still come up smellin' of rosies, like."
> Will that do? Er..where woz I? Oh yeah that's it. I bin running this
> little op'ration - ligit, right? - runnin' me van over ter Froggieland
> an' fillin' 'er up wiv booze an' fags, right? Then I sell 'em on to
> old 'Enery dahn me local - diamond geezer is 'Enery, like a bruvver
> to me - pocketin' a tidy profit, like. Only trubble is, th' rozzers
> is on me back. They reckun it's a little dodgy like I've bin breakin'
> th' import rules. I mean, come on, pal!  You think I *like* goin'
> to eat frog's legs an' garlic and all that frenchie rubbish? Naw,
> give me good ol' jellied eels any day. So I woz wond'rin', should I
> cut the old bill in on th' deal or what? Cheers pal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to The Internetional Oracle! As your email has come from
} our European domain, we are forwarding you to our newest European
} incarnation. Please hold.
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} Allo! Voici l'Oracle Internetional! Quelle est votre question?
} Ah, je la voix. Un moment, si vous plait, j'ai besoin de la lire.
} Hmmm hmmm... euh... hmmm... mon dieu! You Eeengleesh pig-dog!
} For what are you sending questions about smuggling and making fun
} of ze great French frog-legs delicacy? Non, non, zis cannot be done.
} I will forward you to ze English division. Un moment...
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} Hhhello, we are Queen Eliza... I mean, we are an incarnation of the
} wonderful and omniscient Oracle. We will now read your question and
} respond hhhumourously and eloquently. Oh, my! I cannot understand
} this at all! Do our subjects really talk in such a disgraceful
} manner? We are not amused. We will hhhave to forward this on to our
} parliamentary secretary to decipher.
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} <bzzzz>
}
} Oi, Ted 'ere. Whassup? Uh huh... I see... so, whot yo' sayin'zat yo'
} tryin' ta screw 'enry *and* 'er majesty's exchequer, but now dem boyzat
} Scottland Yahd's got windaya? Tell ya whot, why don' I just come down
} there now, split them merchandises wif ya 50-50, and I give you some
} valid import licenses for the next 5 months? Awright, thought yo'
} might go for that. After all, I'm the omniscient Oracle, ain't I?
} <nod nod wink wink>
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cockney-to-Ebonics dictionary.


978-02    (7bntl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't there any Dr. Pepper in the soda machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It was a foggy night in 'frisco, that is to say, a
} foggier night than most, when she walked into my office.
}       I'd given my secretary, Lisa the night off, so
} there was no warning. The door just opened, and there
} she was.
}
}       I could tell she was a classy dame from the moment
} I pried my face off of my desk and got a good look at her.
} Much too good for this joe. The only reason an uptown girl
} like her would be in my digs would be strictly buisness.
}       She didn't sit. She just spoke, "I need the black
} bottle. I'm able to pay well to get it."
}       I was right, this skirt didn't waste any time in
} pleasantries.
}       My head was swimming from the night before. To go
} on caffine benders like that, I'd need more cash. "Allright,"
} I said, "I'll take your money, sister." I'd like to tell
} her I'd prefer to see her grovel, but my face wasn't itching
} to get slapped this early in the a.m. "Tell me about the
} bottle."
}       She smiled, "If you're as good as they say, then I
} won't need to, Mr. Oracle." She had me pegged alright. "I'll
} be back." Then she turned on those long gams of hers and
} was out the door. It was a moving experience.
}
}       I went down to grab the paper. As I left the
} office, I felt the gun dig into the small of my back.
} I smiled. This was going to be fun.
}       "Move a muscle, Mr. Oracle and ... hehheh!"
}       "Not this time, Z!" I said, deftly disarming him
} and slapping him in one smooth move. Like taking candy from
} a baby.
}       The little man whimpered, "Don't hurt me!."
}       I grabbed him by the collar. "Talk!" I snarled.
}       But I didn't have time to beat it out of him. I
} saw the large lumbering shadow pass over the doorstep.
} It was followed by a gigantic man. He waved a placating
} hand, "Please, Mr. Oracle, no violence."
}       "Sidney Dark-greenmage." I recognized him at once.
} "To what do I owe the honor of a visit from you and
} your toadie pal, here?"
}       "The black bottle, Mr. Oracle. I want it. You're
} going to get it for me," he wheezed.
}       "In your dreams," I quipped.
}       He grinned. I didn't like it. "Oh you'll get it
} alright..... or the girl will come to, shall we say,
} a little damage?"
}       So he had her. That poor mixed-up kid. I had to
} try and save her. Who says chivalry's dead? Only most
} of the practictioners.
}       "Sure, sure. You got it, pal. Meet me at this
} warehouse. Midnight, sharp." I handed him a slip of
} paper. He nodded. Z was still on the floor, rubbing his
} nose. "I'll have your bottle."
}       Dark-greenmage nodded. Then he was gone,
} followed by the slinking Z.
}
}       Midnight. The dock warehouse. The fog was
} thicker than ever. I'd cased the joint. Dark-greenmage
} was there, with Z and the girl. I walked in.
}       "Hello, beautiful," I addressed the girl.
}       "Nevermind. have you brought the bottle?"
} snapped Dark-greenmage.
}       "First, release the Girl." I demanded.
}       "The bottle, first."
}       "Sure. Here..... catch!" I tossed it at him.
}       He missed it, but Z faded back and caught it.
} I dashed in and wheeled the girl's chair to safety,
} cutting her from the chair quickly. She stood and
} began rubbing her wrists. I steadied her as the two
} goons began to fight over the bottle, and murmmered
} into that lovely ear, "Let's get outta here."
}       She nodded and we slipped out and into my car
} and high-tailed it back to the office. She was all
} frowns, "You lost the bottle, you class-A chump!"
}       I grinned, "I lost /a/ bottle. Not /the/
} bottle. When they open it, all they'll find in it
} is a maltese falcon."
}       I loved to see her lovely jaw drop in suprise.
} "What...?"
}       I laughed, "It's simple, really. That warehouse
} was loaded with nothing but maltese falcons. Not a drop
} of cola in the place."
}       Her eyes narrowed, "I paid a lot for that
} shipment! Now you tell me it's all falcons! YOU! You
} pulled the switch!"
}       "And you've just implicated yourself, lovely."
}       With that, the cops came in and Lt. Noe stepped
} out of the closet. "Good work, Oracle." he nodded
} "Come on, Miss Fungaroli, You and me have a date, downtown."
}       She fumed, then gave me a pout, "Maybe, someday,
} Oracle, we'll meet again."
}       "Don't count on it being soon, Sister." I leaned
} in to light her cigarette. She blew the soft bluish smoke
} back into my face, as Lt. Noe took her away.
}       Suddenly, Lisa was in my arms, "Orrie! I was so
} worried about you. I couldn't shake the feeling you
} were in danger."
}       I smiled. Good secretary, that Lisa. "Wanna split
} the last Dr.Pepper in town with me?" I brought the
} precious black bottle out from the desk drawer.
}       "You bet your last bottleopener, Mister," Lisa
} winked.
}       That's what I like to see, a dame who can hold
} her caffeine.


978-03    (3bxtf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle
> whose coffee is always fresh,
> whose coffee pot is never empty.
> and who never suffers from that
> dread caffeine withdrawal. Tell me,
> your most unworthy supplicant, who is,
> in comparison to your magnificent
> freshness, like unto the dregs left with
> stale grounds in it after a full pot has
> been left on overnight :
>
> Why is it, that when I make a fresh pot
> of coffee at work, by the time I get back
> to it to pour a cup, only stale dregs remain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is because you and your co-workers have been too-long
} greedy and have offended the coffee-gods! You have burnt
} coffee in the pots left un-drunk on the heating elements,
} and the stench has made a reek unto the nostrils. You have
} not stayed to celebrate the miracle of coffee brewing and,
} indeed do not deserve the fresh coffee you do so crave!
}
} There is one way to appease!
}
} You must lead the prettiest office-maiden behind a
} coffee-bean laden donkey to the bubbling pots, while
} chanting "Fresh Roast! Fresh Roast!" Then you must
} offer her as "The Bride of Valdez." This is a ritual
} marriage only. In the old days, villages would toss
} the maiden into a pile of freshly ground coffee, but
} one too many became over-caffinated and perished.
}
} Then you run some white vinegar with water through
} the coffemaker to clense it, and give it a rinsing
} 10 times with pure water. All the while, the staff
} should pamper the Bride of Valdez and gather
} doughnuts.
}
} Then, at the appointed hour, the Bride of Valdez
} will take fresh ground beans in her hands and place
} them into the machine on a fresh filter. She will
} push the button and, Lo! There shall come from
} the machine GOOD COFFEE.
}
} Allow the coffee to brew all the way, do NOT
} interrupt the ceremony, or the gods will become
} most dreadfully pissed off.
}
} At the end of the ceremony, shall all drink and
} say "Ahhhhhhh!" Do this every day and the coffee
} gods will be well-pleased.
}
} Either that or break down and buy that Starbucks
} to go on the way to work.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sturdier swirliebopper that
} won't buckle and is long enough to stir the coffee
} without burning my fingers!


978-04    (3eAv7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Great Oracle,
>
>       Do you like Vermouth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Alcoholically Unenlightened Supplicant,
}
} Of course not.  Nobody *likes* vermouth, although it is considered an
} essential part of any well-stocked liquor cabinet.  When was the last
} time you heard somebody say they got really trashed on vermouth last
} night?
}
} Most people never even open their bottles of vermouth (unless they
} need to refinish some old furniture or strip paint), following the
} traditional method of using vermouth to make vodka martinis, to wit:
}
} Pour a large cocktail glass full of vodka.
} Put in an olive.
} Take a bottle of vermouth and touch it to the glass.
}
} Voila!  A perfect vodka martini.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good grovel martini (spaken, not slurred)


978-05    (9kske dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> talk.bizaare

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbbrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuu!  Brabrabrabrabrabra!  Dada badada
} boo koo koo fneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  Wwwwwwooooooooooo!  Doing!  Ft ft ft
} ft ft ft zzzzzow!  Nnnnnnnrrrrrrrrgggggggglabalabalabalaba!
}
} You owe the Oracle grovel.profuse.


978-06    (afrof dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > i"M sTILL wAITING1111
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Oh, sorry, B1FF.  Here you go:
> }
> } *** ZOT!!! ***
>
> Thanks. I needed that! Why did I have to wait so long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm. Looks like trouble in the Admin department. KENDAI!!
}
} (Enter Kendai, the spotty Work Experience Priest)
}
} KENDAI: Yeah? Er...Your Bossness...
}
} ORACLE: I see Zadoc is still having trouble teaching you the finer
} points of the pathetic subservient grovel. Never mind, I'm sure that
} will come in time. Now, do you recognise this?
}
} (Hands Kendai a slip of paper)
}
} > > i"M sTILL wAITING1111
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } Oh, sorry, B1FF.  Here you go:
} > }
} > } *** ZOT!!! ***
} >
} > Thanks. I needed that! Why did I have to wait so long?
}
} KENDAI: No, never seen it before.
}
} ORACLE: No?
}
} KENDAI: No! Er..Maybe. (Oracle arches his eyebrows) Er, yeah.
}
} ORACLE: We pride ourselves here on a fast turnabout, boy. Remember that
} "Answer in 24 hours or your gift to the Oracle back" promotion we did
} last year? If you'd been around then I'd have had to send Lisa on to
} the streets to procure our needs.
}
} (Kendai sniggers)
}
} ORACLE: I mean, to BEG, boy! (slap) Now, what happened here?
}
} KENDAI: Er..well Mr. Zadoc had me peeling spuds all day Monday. He
} took down me to the pantry, showed me where the sacks of spuds were,
} and told me to get peeling. I asked him what I was supposed to learn
} about Priesting, spending all day peeling spuds, and he told me my job
} was to do all the crappy jobs he didn't want to do. Anyway, he didn't
} actually specify exactly how many spuds *needed* peeling...
}
} ORACLE: I think I'm getting the drift here. If I remember correctly
} (and I always do, as I'm Omniscient) Monday evening we had potato soup,
} followed by roast potatoes in a potato sauce and a side dish of fries.
} For desert, we had pureed potato. I thought it was a little odd at the
} time. So you thought you were supposed to peel every potato down there?
}
} KENDAI: It wasn't my fault! Mr. Zadoc never told me when to stop!
}
} ORACLE: You might be a moron, boy, but at least you've got time to
} learn. Zadoc, unfortunately, does not have that luxury. Let me take a
} wild stab in the dark here. Your next job was to sort the incoming
} questions?
}
} KENDAI: No! Mr. Zadoc always does that! He says he has to weed out all
} the Make.Money.Fast! emails. I reckon he just wants to know about the
} latest porn sites spammed to the net.
}
} ORACLE: Ah, the cynicism of youth. Please, continue, boy.
}
} KENDAI: Well, Mr. Zadoc was caught ill on Monday night while sorting
} though the in-tray, if you remember. He said something like, "If I ever
} see another potat..Bleeaarrgghh!" just before rushing to the bathroom.
}
} ORACLE: And what does this have to do with a late response?
}
} KENDAI: Um..well..thing is, Mr. Zadoc told me that after peeling the
} spuds, my next job was to make sure there was toilet paper in all the
} bathrooms. And of course, on Monday night I hadn't had time to do it,
} seeing as I spent all Monday afternoon peeling spuds. So he was sitting
} there, having a dump when he realised there was no paper in the
} bathroom. And the only bit of paper he had was an email he holding was
} holding when he was caught short.
}
} (Oracle starts holding the email at arms length)
}
} KENDAI: So, my job on Tuesday, was to dry and clean the email before it
} got passed to you. It wasn't pleasant, I'm telling you!
}
} ORACLE: At last, we get to the bottom of this little mystery. Hmm,
} maybe I should rephrase that?
}
} (Kendai slouches out)
}
} So, Supplicant, I hope that provides the answer. You were probably
} lucky to get a response at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a four-pack of luxury Andrex.


978-07    (6mFi4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I am feeling incredibly sleepy.
>
> Is a large lunch with no caffeine *supposed* to do this to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I'm afraid so. You must remember that a balanced life *must*
} consist... HEY! WAKE UP! ...of conflicting foods, behavior and
} substances. The Chinese have known this for centuries; how did you
} think they came up with the old "sweet-and-sour" dishes? It's a
} yin/yang sort of thing.
}
} Eating a large lunch without caffeine is... WAKE UP! ...simply asking
} for trouble. Here, my child, are some balanced pairs that you should...
} HEY! ...incorporate into your life:
}
}         a large lunch / 8 cups double cappucino
}
}         20 cigarettes per day / 2 hours on the stationary bicycle per
}                                 day
}
}         chocolate cake / room-temperature bitter beer
}
}         tattoos on your forehead / ordination as an Episcopal priest
}
}         a 2 Big Mac-a-day diet / PETA membership
}
}         life-size Bill Clinton poster / signed by Rush Limbaugh
}
}         drinking an entire bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon /
}                 while driving with a State Trooper
}
}         4 months on the Russian space station / sense of
}                                                 self-preservation
}
}         running for President of the United States / sense of shame
}
}         a really hot sauna / 3 feet of snow
}
}         two rolls of duct tape...
}
} Oh, what's the use?
}
} You owe the Oracle a couch and a nice fuzzy blanket. No calls, please.


978-08    (4sBf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, ORACLE!!!  Your answers stink!  Why are you in this job?  Did you
> flunk out of Clown College???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Philistine.
}
} The works of the great are never appreciated in their own time.
} Shakespeare was called a hack. Beethoven was a "talentless unknown."
} Galois was rejected by the Academie des Sciences. Heck, people even
} laughed at Ed Wood, Jr., who was one of the greatest geniuses the world
} has ever known, not to mention someone who looked *very* foxy in an
} Angora sweater.
}
} I have this job because all geniuses get employed (check it out!), just
} not in ranks appropriate to their talent. (You think being the
} "Internet" Oracle is cushy? Ha! Now, the Delphi Oracle -- supplicants
} have to walk twenty miles over sharp rocks just to get to him, stacks
} of gorgeous priestesses.... He's doing so well he's practically
} retired!)
}
} But just you wait. One day, they will look at my work, and say, "He was
} the best."
}
} And I dropped out. Not flunked.
}
} You owe the Oracle recognition.


978-09    (afqmi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, highly civilized Oracle, whose mobile home resists every tornado,
>
>       Why does Iowa have to suck so much? Is it all the hicks?  Or was
> it hit by the suck stick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you ever consider that the person you are asking is living in Iowa
} RIGHT NOW?
}
} I AM.  Thanks a lot.
}
} I'm actually here to make fun of them.  Look at all those yokels!
} U-hyuh-hyuh!
}
} Why does Iowa suck?  Let's take a look at a couple of
}
} FACTS ABOUT IOWA
}
} 1) Everyone lives on a farm
} 2) Everyone grows corn
} 3) The whole state smells like manure
}
} Need I say more?
}
} In fact, I've got gripes with all the states:
}
} Alabama - A joke of a coastline, and a county named "Coosa" (what the
}   hell is that?)
} Alaska - Too cold, too many mooses, to islandy.
} Arizona - I sat on a cactus once.  Ever since then I've held a grudge
}   against any cactus-ridden state.
} Arkansas - I'm not going to start liking this state until they learn
}   how to write words like they sound .
} California - Do I really have to say?
} Colorado - Too bumpy, too high.
} Connecticut - To small.
} Delaware - This state deprives me of the pleasure of paying my
}   government a seemingly random amount of money whenever I purchase
}   something.  This means that I'm actually going to pay a round
}   figure, like $1, instead of one of those fun $1.03s I like to pay.
} Florida - Mosquitos the size of bats, lake Okeechobee, too many keys
}   (Now, which one is for the front door and which one is for the CAR?)
} Georgia - They held the Olympics there, and yucky foreign people came
}   over.
} Hawaii - Too many tsunamis.
} Idaho - Ever since the Mr. Potato Head craze I can't stand to even
}   THINK about Idaho.  AAH!  I'm thinking about it!  STOP THE MADNESS!
} Illinois - The residents get too touchy when people pronounce it as it's
}   spelled.
} Indiana - That stupid University it has.
} Iowa - See above.
} Kansas - See Iowa.
} Kentucky - Too odd-shaped, too many horses.
} Louisiana - Too much Cajun food.
} Maine - Too cold, too many lobsters.
} Maryland - It gets too thin at one point for my liking.
} Massachusetts - It sounds like "Mass of two shits".
} Michigan - I could never like a state with its own great lake.  Not to
}   mention that the lake looks like a you-know-what.
} Minnesota - Too cold, too many lakes (10,000 to be exact).
} Mississippi - Joke of a coastline, too many doubles.
} Missouri - That big arch thing - what the hell is that!  What a waste
}   and time.  I also hate the fact that half of the of money people call
}   it Miss-ur-ee and the other half call it Miss-ur-uh. Also, why the
}   HELL is there a Kansas City in Missouri??
} Montana - Too many farms and badlands.
} Nebraska - See Iowa.
} Nevada - Too odd-shaped.
} New Hampshire - I hate any state that's NEW, even though it's an old
}   state.  That's why I will now call states without the "new".
} New Jersey- See Hampshire.
} New Mexico - See Jersey.
} New York - See Mexico.
} North Carolina - Too many little islands.
} North Dakota - Too far north.  Move down a little!
} Ohio - Too near that damned University in Indiana.
} Oklahoma - Too many tornadoes.
} Oregon - Too wet.  I also have a thing against lakes made by craters.
} Pennsylvania - Too Amish.
} Rhode Island - The fact that it's not an island.
} South Carolina - One Carolina is enough.
} South Dakota - One Dakota is too much!
} Tennessee - I hate coutry music.
} Texas - Too flat.
} Vermont - Too many skiers.  That's why I like to pick them off
}   one-by-one with my van.
} Virginia - Any state that turns landfills into parks is on crack.
} Washington - Shares a border with Idaho.
} West Virginia - Too many hicks.
} Wisconsin - Too much cheese, and therefore WAY too much mold.
} Wyoming - Too square.
}
} There you have it, the Oracle's complete feelings about every state.
} You owe me 50 nuclear bombs.


978-10    (heso8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have here in my hand a perfectly ordinary deck of playing cards.
> Please avail yourself of a completely free choice of any card.  Have
> good look at it -- don't let me see it now!  -- and show it to your
> neighbor.  Good.  Do you know what your card is?  Excellent.  Please
> replace the card in the pack -- anywhere is fine, in fact why don't
> you just give these cards a good shuffle.  Now, watch carefully -- no
> false moves, nothing up my sleeves...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gazes upon the supplicant with disbelief.
}
} "But that trick never works!"
}
} You owe the Oracle moose and squirrel.


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