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Internet Oracularities #979

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979, 979-01, 979-02, 979-03, 979-04, 979-05, 979-06, 979-07, 979-08, 979-09, 979-10


Internet Oracularities #979    (95 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 15:37:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   979
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

979   95 votes emrn9 8uDg2 35oFm 2hDt8 gnDd4 gAt86 divo9 3mCr5 59sxk 9jBic
979   3.0 mean  2.9   2.7   3.8   3.3   2.6   2.5   3.0   3.1   3.6   3.1


979-01    (emrn9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I stop blinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot the </BLINK>
}
} Better?
}
} You owe the oracle a </WEBTV> tag.


979-02    (8uDg2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, who understand what makes people listen to country
> music, who can tell the difference between a mute swan and a giraffe by
> listening to their calls... please help me to understand .......
>
> Why is it that whenever i start a plumbing project around the house I
> always end up making three or four trips to the hardware store ?  Who
> is behind this ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well-known fact number 3849572837455.2:
}
} The plumbers' union long ago gave up using lead (plumbum) for making
} pipes.  Now they use a material called forgettium.  It causes loss of
} memory in anyone working with it who does not have a union card.  Hire
} a union plumber.  Even at scale rates, if your time is worth anything
} at all, it'll be cheaper.


979-03    (35oFm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If the Oracle were a coffee drink he'd be even better than a
>      double decaf hazelnut mocha. He'd be lighter and fluffier than a
>      latte (Is that good?  I hope that's a good grovel and not an
>      insult.)
>
>      Please tell me: If I can go to the lunch room and pour a FREE hot
>      chocolate mix into my coffee cup, and then pour FREE coffee into
>      that cup, and then make a bunch of "whosh whosh" sounds (again,
>      for FREE) then why are my co-workers walking down to the food
>      court to pay $3.50 for a Cafe Mocha from Starbucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good grovel. 87% for originality, although you did skate a *little*
} close to the edge with that "light and fluffy" comment. I'll overlook
} it this time.
}
} In answer to your question: For the same reason that
}
}         - some people pay $18.00 for Wild Turkey, when they could
} get the same effect from a $6.00 bottle of Old Overholt and a FREE
} length of lumber
}
}         - people pay $20.00 for a hand-rolled cigar when they could,
} for FREE, simply wrap their mouths around the exaust pipe of a city bus
}
}         - they buy gym shoes at $150.00 a pop, when they could get
} something just as good for $12.95 (or even FREE if they can run
} real fast)
}
}         - they pay $100.00 for a dinner of blackened redfish in a New
} Orleans restaurant when they could get (again, for FREE) the crumbly
} bits of fish left in the deep-fry oil at Poorboy's Fish Restaurant
} over in Arkansas
}
}         - they stand in line all night to buy the latest Windows
} version for $99.00, when they could get the same thing FREE by simply
} smashing their monitor and then jamming their hand into the mass of
} broken glass and grabbing the power cable where it attaches to the
} cooling fan
}
}         - they pay $7.50 to go see "Titanic" when they could have
} a much better time, for FREE, by checking "A Night To Remember"
} from their public library and read it while taking a cold shower
}
}         - they pay $85.00 per hour to talk to a psychiatrist when
} there are churches (available FREE of charge) on practically every
} block
}
}         - they pay hundreds of dollars a year to United Way when
} they could volunteer FREE of charge to work at a local homeless
} shelter or battered women's shelter
}
}         - they spend tens of thousands of dollars sending their
} children to Ivy League universities to gain knowledge when they
} could get all the wisdom they can stand by simply asking the Oracle
} FREE... um...
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Wild Turkey, a box of good Havana cigars,
} a Saville Row bespoken suit, a steak dinner at Trader Vic's and the
} home telephone number of Monica whatshername.


979-04    (2hDt8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a self? Does it change? Is it similar to a soul?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A self is a small furry animal that many middle aged men keep as pets.
} However, these beasties are notorious for running away.  As the owners
} are very attached to their pets, they will often buy a new motorcycle
} and drive off, trying to "find my self."
}
} Girlfriends also try to keep these elusive pets, and will often leave
} their boyfriends to find their selves too.  More often than not, the
} self will have dug a burrow in the back yard, and can be drawn out with
} a can of food.
}
} A self and a sole are quite different, a self is, as I said before, a
} small furry animal; a sole is a fish.
}
} you owe The Oracle a can of Self Chow.


979-05    (gnDd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most all knowing, who took Denver and the points, who
> has the video of President Clinton and various young and nubile White
> House aides, please answer this poor groveling question.  Why is it that
> you are actually deeming to answer so many Woodchuck related questions
> withou the appropriate Zot(tm)?  I was under the impression that such
> questions were automatically registered for Zot(tm)ting, according to
> the Article of Oraculation. Humbly yours, supplicantus grovellus

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicantus (I like the lower-case... it shows the proper
} attitude)... well, it's like this... here, sit on this chair next
} to me. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, about the woodchuck question. Yes,
} yes, indeed.
}
} Are you comfortable? Sure? Really? Well, I'm kinda warm. In fact, I'm
} so warm, I think I'll take my trousers off... No, no, no, don't worry.
} We do this all the time in this place... Oh, heck no! HR -- I mean,
} Hillary! -- is outta town! Nope! It's just you an' me.
}
} Nice dress, by the way. I like the blouse. Are you wearing a... oh,
} never mind.
}
} Now, lesse... you were askin' about woodchucks, were you? Well,
} a couple of A-10's would take care of them! Those 20mm cannons
} can shred a marmot like nobody's business. Not that I ever... Oh?
} Are you uncomfortable? It *is* warm, isn't it? Here, let me take the
} rest of my clothes off...
}
} There! *That's* more comfortable! Now, as I was saying... What?
}
} Oh. Okay.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's worth of legal fees for Bob Bennett.


979-06    (gAt86 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Most Extravagant, have you ever sung coloratura?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No supplicant, but I have sung "sotto voce".
}
} You owe the oracle the most efficent way of producing castrati
} without involving gardening implements.


979-07    (divo9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here. Og crawl across desert with no food and water for O-ra-kul. Og
> beat head with spiky club. Og kiss O-ra-kul feet and hands.
>
> Og read about prime numbers on rhod. Og think messages not right. Og
> think for a while. Og invent Og-le-di-an Rings The-o-ry. Og find proof
> that no biggest prime. Og give proof to O-ra-kul.
>
> Og say, let there is biggest prime. Og say many primes but not
> in-fi-ni-ty. Og mul-ti-plies all primes and gets big number. Og add one
> to big number and gets bigger number. Og think, bigger number bigger
> than biggest prime. Og cannot di-vide bigger number by any prime. Og
> always get re-main-der of one. Og think, bigger number must be prime.
> But Og knows bigger number bigger than all prime. Og say there is no
> biggest prime.
>
> Og think Og very intelligent. Og think Og more intelligent than
> priests. Og ask O-ra-kul Og be priest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle here. Oracle sorry.  Oracle not want smart priest.  Oracle show
} Og Zadoc.  Zadoc not smart.  Zadoc high priest.
}
} Oracle not want Og walk across desert.  Oracle want Zadoc walk desert.
} Oracle not want Og hit Og head with spikey club.  Oracle want Og hit
} Zadoc head with spikey club to give Zadoc more smart.  Og best hurry
} and hit lots.  Zadoc needs lots more smart.  Zadoc getting too dumb for
} even be Oracle high priest.
}
} Og owe Oracle spikey Zot club


979-08    (3mCr5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ...how a person can restore to health to a bi-polar depression ?
> or, what we know about the bi-polar depression ?
>
> ...if is possible to talk you in italien or in french, please tell me,
> 'cause my english is small.
>
> i expect your answer Oracle most wise...
>
> Daniele

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Daniele, your English isn't that small. It's 10-point, just like
} every other supplicant's.
}
} Yes, I can speak, read and write fluently in Italian, French, German,
} Urdu, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, Eubonics, Siksika, Russian, Ukranian,
} Dutch, Tagalog, Ibo, Africaans, Pishtu, Inuit (all four dialects),
} Danish, Norwegian, Finnish, Gaelic, Bantu, Zulu, Xhosa, Arabic,
} Indonesian, Vietnamese, Monteyard, Burmese... well, you get the idea.
} The problem is, Daniele, most of the people who read these
} Oracularities in the digests can only read English. It's a matter of
} making my wisdom known to the greatest number of people, you see. So,
} we'll have to struggle along in English.
}
} Bi-polar depression is a little-understood phenomenon. Along the
} equator, half-way between the north and south poles, there are many
} places where the land (and the ocean bed) are subsiding at an alarming
} rate... Oh, you meant...
}
} Bi-polar depression is a little-understood phenomenon. Also called
} manic-depressive behavior, these poor people have mood swings that
} disrupt their lives. Many centuries ago, it was assumed that they were
} posessed by demons. Now, with modern science, we *know* that they are
} posessed by demons. One course of treatment is to give the patients
} lithium suppliments (demons *hate* lithium). In addition, they are
} sometimes given anti-depressants and/or mood-elevators -- sometimes
} both at the same time, just to see what will happen.
}
} Sadly, there is little that can be done to "cure" bi-polar depression;
} the best we can do is to treat the symptoms and keep a lot of holy
} water nearby in case they really get out of hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slightly-less-serious question next time.


979-09    (59sxk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderful Oracle, please help me with a religious problem.  I'm trying
> to figure out the precise differences between you and God.  (I'm not
> very good at this sort of stuff, wretch that I am, but you knew that
> already.)  Here is a list I've constructed.  Please tell me where I'm
> wrong, and fill in missing items that I've left out.
>
>        GOD                       ORRIE
> =====================      ======================
> Somewhere in heaven or     Somewhere in Indiana or
> maybe churches.            maybe the Internet.
>
> Both Omniscient and        Only Omniscient, and thus
> Omnipotent, in spite       very frustrated.
> of the inherent problems.
>
> Accessed via prayer.       Accessed via supplication.
>
> Vengeful and merciful.     Mostly vengeful.
>
> Infinitely patient.        Quick at the ZOT trigger.
>
> Has dogma.                 Has karma.
>
> Priests celibate, deity    Priests anything but celibate,
> also, except once.         Orrie likewise.
>
> Collects souls.            Collects heels.
>
> Hears stupid questions.    Answers stupid questions.
>
> Above flattery.            Always likes a good grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        GOD                       ORRIE
} =====================      ======================
} Most important servant     Most important servant
} is The Pope, to whom       is Zadoc, to whom
} world leaders must         nobody listens
} listen
}
} Demands only that we       Demands out-of-print
} grow in wisdom a day       baseball cards, unlikely
} at a time, coming          events and non-existent
} together in a peaceful     inventions.
} brotherhood
}
} Communicates through       Communicates through
} visions and divine         e-mail and high-voltage
} inspiration (and the       ZOTs.
} occasional disaster)
}
} Insurance Companies may    Insurance Companies change
} cover Acts of God (check   phone number and move states
} your policy documents)     if asked to cover Acts of
}                            Oracle
}
} Has an immaterial          Has a very material
} Companion who does         companion who does all
} nothing and was only       sorts of interesting
} hired to placate pagans    things and was hired to
}                            placate drooling geeks
}
} Message from HolyGhost on heaven.vax.org tty03 Jan 28 13:01
} ...
} HEY! I RESENT THAT REMARK - I PULL MY WEIGHT AROUND HERE!
}
}   You're immaterial. You don't weigh anything.
}
} ERRRR... ^D
}
} Hah! Which reminds me...
}
} At the Last Day, God       At the drop of a hat, The
} will resurrect his         Oracle will resurrect his
} faithful servants in       favourite old gags in somewhat
} perfect bodies             less than perfect format...
}
} You owe the Oracle a split into two separate Oracles with
} a line running down the centre of the screen.


979-10    (9jBic dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Your lack of a grovel displeases me. I also find it extremely
}      presumptous when supplicants force me to display my omniscient
}      powers by answering unspecified queries.
}
}      Therefore, although I will answer your questions, I will leave it
}      to you to figure out which questions go with which answers.
}
}      1. Because she really does love your siblings more than you.
}      2. Space is curved, and objects with mass change the curvature,
}      causing an attractive force we call "gravity". So while everything
}      seems to suck, it's really only gravity.
}      3. Because of the special ingredient that makes it addictive.
}      4. You don't really think there is anyone in the entire world that
}      would *not* be disgusted by that suggestion, do you?
}      5. Because the company simply no longer valued you as a person.
}      6. Well, you shouldn't have provoked it. It's your own fault.
}      7. Because there is a vast conspiracy with members constantly
}      monitoring your every movement and action to make sure that it's
}      empty everytime you go to get some.
}      8. Because you do not brush your tongue often enough.
}      9. Because the same conspirational group replaces them at night
}      with another pair that's just that annoying 1/4" smaller.
}      10. Hey, *you* asked *me* the question, remember? Consider
}      yourself lucky.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a scanned image of that polaroid in your sock
}      drawer.


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