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Internet Oracularities #98

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98, 98-01, 98-02, 98-03, 98-04, 98-05, 98-06, 98-07, 98-08, 98-09, 98-10


Usenet Oracularities #98    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Jan 90 04:43:51 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


98-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really addicted to vibrators and cocaine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you would be, except that you are rubbing the cocaine in your
} crotch and sticking the vibrators up your nose.
}
} You owe the Oracle an orgasm and a can of Jolt.


98-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does emacs start up in a buffer called *scratch*?  Is it any
> relation to Old Scratch, the Devil?  Should I be concerned about this as
> a devout Fundamentalist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do believe it is already too late.  I'm greatly distressed to hear
} that you have discovered this, my son.  Emacs originally stands for Evil
} Manifestation Also Called Satan.  A great time of evil shall soon befall
} computer users around the world, although most will be unaware.
} However, you, having discovered this, will be greatly punished by the
} almighty evil one.  Draw a pentagram around your computer, and chant
} "Oh, great computer gods, free me from Emacs.  I swear by my Unix manual
} that I will worship vi from this time forth"
}
} You owe the Oracle a real editor.


98-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have holes in my jeans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. One hole is for your waist
} 2. One hole is for your left leg.
} 3. Two holes are for your right leg.
} 4. One hole is for you to stick your penis out, so that it can wave
}    merrily in the wind.
} 5. One hole is for your potted fern.
} 6. One hole is so that your girlfriend can fondle you intimately in
}    public places without either of you getting too embarrassed, until
}    you start screaming "I'm coming!  I'm coming!" and a big wet spot
}    appears at your groin.
} 7. One hole is for your nose.
} 8. You cut one hole yourself so that you wouldn't have to drink out of
}    urinals any more.
} 9. You cut the last hole yourself as a protest of the planned U.S.
}    invasion of Nebraska.  Your protest was effective.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of jeans.


98-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most [however one desscribes an Oracle], tell me...
>
> Do you ever get a vacation? If so, where do you go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you care about your karma, and don't want to spend your next
} forty-six incarnations as a nameless slug, you should address me in
} terms such as:
}
} "most illustrious and divine Oracle, who knoweth all, whose gaze causeth
}  petroleum jelly to solidify, whose breath maketh dragons wince and
}  whose excrement this mortal worm is unworthy to lick"
}
} Then, to your main question.
}
} The only real vacations I get is when iuvax is down.  Then, I go to the
} net.black.hole and read vintage news messages.  (As a divine being, I'm
} an exception to the rule that nothing escapes from a black hole).
} Sometimes, I squeeze myself onto a floppy disk and have interesting
} conversations with a bootstrap loader.
}
} But for 99 % of the time, iuvax is up, and I'm constantly occupied
} reading mail and passing it on to my various avatars.  This is not as
} bad as it sounds, though.  Since I've mastered the true art of
} multitasking, I hav a practically unlimited amount of time available for
} other activities, such as kinky sex with the net.sex.goddesses.  So I
} really don't need any vacations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nude photo of the girl who plays Vanessa on the
} Cosby show.


98-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> In Usenet Oracularities #93, you quote the following:
>
> } ] Message from GOD!ucbvax on ttyp2 at 14:23...
> } ]
> } ] What the F*CK do you think you're doing?
>
> Does the fact that God has an account on ucbvax.berkeley.edu mean that
> California really *is* heaven, after all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  God has an *account* on UCBVAX.  He *lives* in Jersey.


98-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sheep ever bothered by moths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me check.
}
} oraclevax> egrep sheep /etc/hosts | head -1
} 31.5.152.412  sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu
} oraclevax> telnet sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu
} Connection established....
}
} [mindsquish mindsqueeze grunt <ouch!>]
}
} baaaaa grass good tasty grass grass good grass
} sniff sniff?
}    what?
} warmwetwestwind somethingwest
}  badsomething
}     nastysomething
}   run?
}       horriblesomething!
}   run run run!
}     mothsomething!
} moth coming!  help run run run help run run!
}     moth moth coming!
}   run help run moth run
} worsethanmoth  worsethanmoth worsethanmoth WORSETHANMOTH!
}    wpistudent coming wpistudent horriblerape help nottheseason
}      (I'm a good sheep I am, I am, I won't have sex with
}       any nasty WPI students riding their horrid moths!)
}  run run RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN *RUN* *RUN* *RUN* *JUMP*
}
} <splash>
}
} [connection closed.]
}
} oraclevax> ping sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu
}   ping: host is down
} oraclevax> ping -l sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu
}   [sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu ]
}   Sheep5125.agschool.wpi.edu is down at the bottom of a cliff
} oraclevax> logout
}
} As you can see from that transcript, sheep are afraid of moths, but it
} takes a WPI student to send them into a real panic.
}
} You owe the Oracle $18.81, and WPI a new sheep.


98-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great knowledgable one, recently I received the following
> mail message:
>
> >Dear Sir:
> >
> >Since you did not pick up your recently deceased body as requested
> >by our department, we feel it is our duty to inform you of the con-
> >sequences of your inaction:
> >
> >At approximately 2:40 AM on route 219, 13 miles south of the city of
> >Buffalo, one intoxicated individual by the name of J.Prondak happened
> >upon your abandoned corpse.  Since it is against the law for us to
> >intefere with dead sentient beings until such time as of 2 days after
> >discovery, we were forced to abandon the said item until such time had
> >passed.  Furthermore, the Lord Crimson Decrees forbade us to publicly
> >announce said findings until the mentioned 2 days have passed.  Since
> >Mr. Prondak was intoxicated and had a "purity score" of around 1%,
> >your body was "invaded" by a foriegn item of approximately 2 and 1/2
> >inches.  Since your soul is now impure, you have been expelled from
> >Hackers' Elysium and sent forthwith to the pits of Arcadia, where you
> >will be subject to the laws and whims of one Beezulbub, lord of lies
> >and third in the hierarchy of Hell.  There you will program only in
> >basic and forced to use dreaded VMS.  All ties to C and Unix have been
> >severed until further notice.  There you will write recursive programs
> >until one eternity has passed.
> >
> >                                             Sincerely,
> >                                             Lord Crimson
> >                                             Master of Earth,
> >                                             13th in the hierarchy of
> >                                                Hell
>
> What does this mean? Could it be true? Am I dead and fated to go to
> Hell now?  Is there any way to save myself from this destiny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not always wise to trust people high up in the Hierarchy of Hell.
} (Actually, it's a Descending Hierarchy, so they're really low down, but
} no matter.) Still, I suppose I had better check.
}
} [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@.  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...]
}
} Hell Operator:  Ha, the idiot Oracle wants more information!
}
} Oracle:  Connect me to the administration of Beelzebub, please.
}
} HO:  No.  I'll fill your eyes with porcupine spines first, you slime
} puddle!
}
} O:  Connect me please.
}
} [ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring ...  ring]
}
} Smurgiel:  Smurgiel here.  What can I avoid doing for you, Oracle?
}
} O:  Is [name omitted] among your subjects?
}
} S:  Let me check....  damn computers!  always going down!
}
} [Smurgiel punches the screen.  Sparks shower all over.  Flames blossom
} from the floor and burn the devil to the bone.  Slowly he and the
} computer recover, while my phone bill goes up.]
}
} S:  No, he's not here.  And when you get here I'll stuff your head
}     through that computer a few million times!  I hate it when people
}     ask me questions!  I want ...
}
} [click]
}
} --------------------------------
}
} Some further investigation reveals that you were merely stunned.
}
} You owe the Oracle $182,101.31 for phone charges.


98-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would a porno smurf film have as it's major story plots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.  Orton's Condensed Film Plots, volume 41.  _Smurfette Screws
} Syracuse_.
}
} 1. Igor, the Smurf's pet water buffalo, goes to Syracuse to buy a new
}    yoke.  On the way, it meets a horny cow, and they have sex in a
}    variety of positions.
} 2. Igor has, however, forgotten his lunch.  Smurfette volunteers to
}    take it to him.  She goes to the kitchen to get it.  The cook screws
}    her silly.
} 3. Igor continues on toward Syracuse.  He meets an old widow.  She asks
}    him for a lift.  Oral sex mostly.  Some great shots of water buffalo
}    cock.
} 4. Smurfette tries to leave.  The cook won't let her.  She bashes him
}    with a frying pan and knocks him out.  She then sucks him repeatedly
}    while he is unconscious, for reasons that are not explained.
} 5. Igor and the old widow get to Syracuse.  They immediately go to an
}    X-rated theatre.  The theatre is showing _OCTAVIA'S ORGASMIC ORGY_
} 6. Octavia and her friends Samantha and Isabelle (two smurfs and an elk)
}    have an orgy.
} 7. Smurfette gets to Syracuse.  She stops in a store specializing in
}    sexual devices.  She tries out two or three dildoes.
} 8. Octavia walks into the dildo store, and without saying a word uses
}    some of the devices on Smurfette.
} 9. Igor walks in and the three of them have some fun.
}
} the end.
}
} Notice the subtle blurring of the boundary between film and reality as
} Octavia unnoticably passes from a character in a film-within-a-film to a
} character in the film itself, recalling Woody Allen's _Purple Rose of
} Cairo_.


98-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is God such an utter asshole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see...
} *****
}
} Oracle: Hey, God, are you home?
} God: Oh, YOU again.  I was in the can.  What do you want this time?
} Oracle: Well, y'see God, I've got another hard question here.
}    Someone wants to know why you such an utter, that is, er, why
}    are you such an utter asshole.
} God:  Well, being all-seeing and all-knowing has its
}    advantages.  Tell this idiot that I know where he lives.
} Oracle: You got it, God.  Oh, sorry to interrupt.
} God: Yeah, yeah.  I'm turning on the answering machine.
}
} *****
}
} Boy are you are in trouble.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quarter.


98-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is come white?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For if it was black, "cum" would be gross now, wouldn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle some hand lotion.


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