Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Oh great knowledgable one, recently I received the following
> mail message:
> >Dear Sir:
> >Since you did not pick up your recently deceased body as requested
> >by our department, we feel it is our duty to inform you of the con-
> >sequences of your inaction:
> >At approximately 2:40 AM on route 219, 13 miles south of the city of
> >Buffalo, one intoxicated individual by the name of J.Prondak happened
> >upon your abandoned corpse. Since it is against the law for us to
> >intefere with dead sentient beings until such time as of 2 days after
> >discovery, we were forced to abandon the said item until such time had
> >passed. Furthermore, the Lord Crimson Decrees forbade us to publicly
> >announce said findings until the mentioned 2 days have passed. Since
> >Mr. Prondak was intoxicated and had a "purity score" of around 1%,
> >your body was "invaded" by a foriegn item of approximately 2 and 1/2
> >inches. Since your soul is now impure, you have been expelled from
> >Hackers' Elysium and sent forthwith to the pits of Arcadia, where you
> >will be subject to the laws and whims of one Beezulbub, lord of lies
> >and third in the hierarchy of Hell. There you will program only in
> >basic and forced to use dreaded VMS. All ties to C and Unix have been
> >severed until further notice. There you will write recursive programs
> >until one eternity has passed.
> > Sincerely,
> > Lord Crimson
> > Master of Earth,
> > 13th in the hierarchy of
> > Hell
> What does this mean? Could it be true? Am I dead and fated to go to
> Hell now? Is there any way to save myself from this destiny?
} It is not always wise to trust people high up in the Hierarchy of Hell.
} (Actually, it's a Descending Hierarchy, so they're really low down, but
} no matter.) Still, I suppose I had better check.
} [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@. ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...]
} Hell Operator: Ha, the idiot Oracle wants more information!
} Oracle: Connect me to the administration of Beelzebub, please.
} HO: No. I'll fill your eyes with porcupine spines first, you slime
} O: Connect me please.
} [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring]
} Smurgiel: Smurgiel here. What can I avoid doing for you, Oracle?
} O: Is [name omitted] among your subjects?
} S: Let me check.... damn computers! always going down!
} [Smurgiel punches the screen. Sparks shower all over. Flames blossom
} from the floor and burn the devil to the bone. Slowly he and the
} computer recover, while my phone bill goes up.]
} S: No, he's not here. And when you get here I'll stuff your head
} through that computer a few million times! I hate it when people
} ask me questions! I want ...
} Some further investigation reveals that you were merely stunned.
} You owe the Oracle $182,101.31 for phone charges.