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Internet Oracularities #980

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Internet Oracularities #980    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 08:45:16 -0500 (EST)

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   980
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

980   86 votes 45gyr kjihc atwd2 gnte4 cwr96 eovd4 aoxb8 ckze5 4msma 2ddvr
980   3.0 mean  3.9   2.8   2.6   2.6   2.6   2.6   2.8   2.8   3.1   3.8


980-01    (45gyr dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, whose phone never rings with unwanted calls,
>
> how can I get phone solicitors to stop calling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, this is a tough one. Unsolicited sales pitches are as old as man.
} Let's take a look at the history of this phenomenon before we start
} discussing possible solutions:
}
} 1,000,000 B.C., OLDIVAI GORGE
} OG:     Og have club! Og have *good* club! Og give Thag club, Thag give
}         Og big lump of meat.
} THAG:   Thag no want club. Thag have good club now.
} OG:     Og club better club! Og club spikey.
} THAG:   Thag *no want club*! Thag eating now, not want Og to come to
}         Thag cave, bother Thag while eating.
} OG:     Og have *good* club!
} [f/x]   WHACK!
} THAG:   Thag have Og club anyway. Thag also have more meat!
}
} CHINA, 2,000 B.C.
} LI CH'IN:       Excuse me, most wise one, but whould the honorable
}                 scholar wish to examine my wares?
} KUNG FU TZE:    I am honored by your willingness to take the time to
}                 discuss your wares with me but, as you see, I am in the
}                 middle of eating my meal.
} LI CH'IN:       Ah! Just so! Therefore, you will be interested in this
}                 remarkable set of jade chopsticks! These were brought
}                 at great expense from the south, where such precious
}                 stone is mined...
} KUNG FU TZE:    Indeed! I am aware of the source of jade. Also, I am
}                 sure that these instruments for eating are exquisite,
}                 but I wish to return to my meal before the noodles
}                 become cold.
} LI CH'IN:       Indeed! Cold noodles are a problem for many busy
}                 scholars!  Therefore, I also offer a special charcoal-
}                 heated warming plate! This will keep any meal...
} KUNG FU TZE:    I have a saying.
} LI CH'IN:       Yes, lord?
} KUNG FU TZE:    "May you live in interesting times." [aside] Guards!
}                 Please take this honorable person to the prison and make
}                 sure that his life is interesting, indeed... for about a
}                 month.
}
} ROME, 35 A.D.
} ANTONIUS:       O great one! May I show you these priceless scrolls
}                 showing how you can learn the wisdom of the ancients? It
}                 is a 20-scroll set and is available for such a low
}                 price...
} CALIGULA:       Can't you see that I'm in the middle of an orgy?
} ANTONIUS:       Oh, yes, sir! And a fine orgy it is, too! And here, in
}                 scroll 16 of this set, you can study the 14 positions
}                 for, um, orgying, plus an additional 16 practiced by...
} CALIGULA:       Guard!
} GUARD:          Yes, Cesar?
} CALIGULA:       Have the lions been fed lately?
} GUARD:          No, sir. I'm afraid not.
} CALIGULA:       Oh, good.
}
} THE STEPPES OF CENTRAL ASIA, 1137 A.D.
} LI CH'IN:       Great lord! Have you ever noticed that your swords
}                 become dull after hacking off a few thousand heads?
}                 Would you like to see how to keep them as sharp as
}                 razors after 10,000 beheadings?
} ATTILA:         I'm trying to rape, pillage and loot, here! [Shouting]
}                 No, no, no! How many times do I have to tell you men?
}                 *First* you pillage, *then* you burn!
} LI CH'IN:       But great lord!
} [f/x]           *WHACK*!
}
} ROANOKE ISLAND, 1608 A.D.
} JAMES:          Hello, pagan savages!
} GREY OWL:       Who are you?
} JAMES:          I'm an Englishman, here to offer you a once-in-a-
}                 lifetime opportunity to convert to Christianity! In
}                 return, all we ask is for all your land. What a great
}                 deal!
} GREY OWL:       Um, right, sure... Look, I'd be happy to talk to you
}                 about this some other time, but we're in the middle of
}                 torturing a captive from the Leni Lapi tribe and so we
}                 don't really have the time...
} JAMES:          Oh, this won't take a minute! All you have to do is
}                 kneel down, swear allegance to the King, sign this
}                 document handing over all your land to the king and...
} GREY OWL:       Spotted Deer?
} SPOTTED DEER:   Yes, Grey Owl?
} GREY OWL:       Do we have an extra stake?
} SPOTTED DEER:   You bet.
} JAMES:          No, no, please don't bother. I just had steak last
}                 night.
} GREY OWL:       I insist. Our treat.
}
} MILWAUKEE, 1991
} BILL:           Mr. Dahlmer?
} DAHLMER:        Yes?
} BILL:           Hi! This is Bill from the Thousand Lakes Insurance
}                 Company?  Do you have a minute to discuss life
}                 insurance?
} DAHLMER:        Well I was just having somebody over for dinner...
} BILL:           This won't take a minute! Mr. Dahlmer -- may I call
}                 you Jeff?
} DAHLMER:        Uh...
} BILL:           Jeff, we live in such uncertain times that it is
}                 *vital* to have full medical, dental, hospitalization
}                 and life insurance coverage. What would happen if you
}                 happened to eat something that disagreed with you...
} DAHLMER:        That happens all the time...
} BILL:           There you go! See? Now, with our super-coverage policy,
}                 you'd have no worried about any long-term
}                 ramifications...
} DAHLMER:        I wonder if we could discuss this in person. Say, at
}                 my house?
} BILL:           What a great idea! I have your address here in the
}                 computer.  When should I come over?
} DAHLMER:        Why not now? You can talk while I have a bite to eat.
}
} So, I'm afraid to say, Supplicant, that unwanted solicitations are an
} ingrained part of humanity. There will always be some s.o.b. who will
} pester you at the worst possible time to try to sell you something you
} don't need and don't want. If you think it's bad now, just wait until
} 2104 A.D., when the brain-implant esp-mail units become available.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spikey club, a torture chamber, some hungry lions,
} a sharp sword, a wooden stake and a cannibal.


980-02    (kjihc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Julsy <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rm -r -f /usr/Deities/Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} # tar -xf /dev/rmt/0m /usr/Deities/Oracle
} # mail postmaster@supplicanthost <serious_complaint.txt
} # nohup while :
} > do
} >     zot --target idiot@supplicanthost --power GIGAZOT --time now
} >     sleep 5
} > done &
} [1] 666
} # passwd root
} New password:
} Retype new password:
} # passwd Oracle
} New password:
} Retype new password:
} # exit


980-03    (atwd2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnipotent knower of all that was, is, and will be:
>
> O.J. Simpson's criminal trial for murder came before his civil trial
> for wrongful death.
>
> Why did pop singer Michael Jackson's civil trial for "illegal
> seduction", which is NOT a legal term, come before his criminal trial
> for "statutory rape", "lewd and lascivious behaviour", or "sexual
> harrassment", whichever apply?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two.  One to hold mix the martinis and the other to call the
} electri...oh, sorry.  That's what happens when you hit a few million
} years old.  You can't answer more than 4 or 5 thousand questions at the
} same time.  Ah well.
}
} It works like this.  When you can't actually prove anything in a court
} of law, you have to go for a civil trial.  Hence, if they don't have
} anything to actually pin on Jacko, even if we know he's guilty as sin,
} the civil trial is always an answer.
}
} BTW, the Oracle is suing you for emotional pain and suffering inflicted
} by your having mentioned Michael Jackson *and* OJ Simpson at the same
} time.
}
} You owe the Oracle 38.5 million dollars in damages


980-04    (gnte4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [[[[[[[ZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]]]]]]]
>
> OW!!!!!!!!!
>
> (kaff, kaff!) No... No, Oracle! I said this was GOOD DUCK!!!!!!!
> (kaff!) Oh forget it. I'm leaving. See if I ever come for dinner again.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mrs Cutiebunny, I must apologize profusely for this accident.  You see,
} my high priest Mr. Worm has this annoying habit of doing things in
} obscurely stupid ways and it appears that he has adjusted the automatic
} w**dch*ck detector in my ZOT staff past the maximum level. I will
} immediately demote him back to a rank below the lowest of Oracular
} initiates and interns.
}
} Now, let's switch that nasty staff back to a safer mode, shall we?
}
}  **ZZZZZZZZZZOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!**
}
} Oops silly me, I must have touched the wrong button.  Let me repeat my
} profuse apologizings.  You seem to be recovering quite well, my dear
} mother-in-law?  Perhaps you should breathe some fresh air on my
} spacious balcony over there, it does wonders to your physique after
} such a severe zotting.
}
} [AAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGH!!!!]
}
} Oh, I almost forgot!  Please be careful, I made a largish hole in the
} balcony so that the alligators in the pit below would get more
} sunlight. You know, their tan was fading quite badly and I chose the
} easiest solution, but I had completely forgotten about it.  Don't worry
} though, they are very nice alligators and they are always very well
} fed.
}
} Oh my, what's that bag of alligator food doing in the corner?


980-05    (cwr96 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Umm ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og, you need to evolve a bit faster. "Speech Center", according to your
} HR Work Plan, should have been finished last month.
}
} You owe the Oracle Lucy's phone number.


980-06    (eovd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What route did the Spanish take through Mexico during the conquest of
> the Aztec people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They stayed mostly on Route 11, occasionally using 49 as an alternate
} during rush hour.


980-07    (aoxb8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Enumerate idle ape.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} alien deer amputee
}
} You owe The Oracle an easier anagram.


980-08    (ckze5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie:
>
> As is entirely obvious, that guy in the White House is an
> idiot.  Has there ever been any precedent for this,
> where the leader of a major world power was a complete ass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there is.  Haven't you ever heard of the Politburro?
}
} You owe the Oracle a game of Donkey Kong.


980-09    (4msma dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Julsy <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most profound and all-knowing Oracle, who never has a bad hair day, who
> can eat whatever he wants without gaining an ounce, who has the perfect
> wardrobe and all the best music, who can throw a party like no other,
> who's feet i am not worthy to think about kissing, where do you find
> your priests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, most impressed by your grovel and never able to pass up a
} straight line, has deigned to allow you a tasty tidbit of information
} concerning the inner workings of the Oracular Temple:
}
} Top Ten Oracular Answers to 'where do you find your priests?'
}
} 10)  On the wrong end of a Staff of Zot.
}  9)  Running off with my girlfriend shortly before their demise.
}      (see above) (yes, both of them)
}  8)  In my liquor cabinet.
}  7)  Passed out behind the statue of myself on the mornings of Jan 1,
}      May 6, July 5, Dec 26, etc.  (see above)
}  6)  Consorting with supplicants.
}  5)  Impersonating me for personal gain. (see above)
}  4)  Slipping out to the corner bar for 'lunch'.
}  3)  See number seven.
}  2)  Sleeping on the job.
}
} And the Number One Oracular response is:
}
}  1)  In short, anywhere *but* on the job.


980-10    (2ddvr dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the president have any openings for an intern?  If so, what are
> the qualifications?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great John F Kennedy once said: "Ask not what your country can do
} for you, but what you can do for your country!"
}
} Therefore, the oracle suggests you ask yourself a simple question. Do
} you have any openings available for the President?
}
} You owe the oracle exclusive rights to your post-scandal interview.


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