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Internet Oracularities #981

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981, 981-01, 981-02, 981-03, 981-04, 981-05, 981-06, 981-07, 981-08, 981-09, 981-10


Internet Oracularities #981    (98 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 16:43:08 -0500 (EST)

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   981
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

981   98 votes aitoh dlzo5 9gprl 8cxwd emun9 4dBtf 4nquf fHta1 cnzk8 4fnAk
981   3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   3.4   3.3   2.9   3.4   3.3   2.4   2.9   3.5


981-01    (aitoh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He got yewed, babe.
}
} You owe The Oracle a furry vest.


981-02    (dlzo5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does binary newsgroup means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, this is a very subtle question, and you have demonstrated your
} insight by correctly using the pluperfect subjunctive in framing it.
} Good work, supplicant!
}
} A "binary newsgroup" is one in which the participants routinely divide
} into warring camps, one-half of them taking the affirmative, the other
} half assuming the negative.
}
} In other words, for all practical purposes, all of Usenet is binary.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very fine twit filter.


981-03    (9gprl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A dilute peer enema.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <blink>  Well, yes... That's the best kind, I suppose...  There must be
} something wrong here.  Let's try some filters...
}
} > Date puerile enema.
}
} No, that can't be right.  At least I hope not...
}
} > A reptile due enema.
}
} Hmm...
}
} > I am a peeled tenure!
}
} No, no, NO!
}
} > I ape a rude element.
}
} Yes, we had noticed.  But at least you are making sense.  Sort
} of.  Continue...
}
} > Due eaten, I'm a leper.
} > Nude, apt, eerie male,
} > deep, elite, urea man.
} > Pure, lame detainee.
} > Leapt, am eerie nude;
} > I am a nude leper tee.
}
} Umm, yes.  Well, I've had worse grovels, if not more bizarre.  So what
} is your question, supplicant?
}
} > Emulate ape in deer.
}
} That's either impossible, illegal, or redundant.  Whyever would you
} wish to turn graceful, lithe ungulates into massive, hairy primates?
}
} > I delete ape manure.
}
} Ahh, and you would rather remove deer manure.  I can understand that, I
} certainly prefer... Ahem.
}
} > Team a puerile need.
}
} Keep your twisted fantasies involving me to yourself, supplicant!  I
} assure you I have no lean--
}
} > Deepen amateur lie.
}
} I will assume, for your sake, that that was never said.  You are well
} advised to change the subject, or one of us is going to start
} inhabiting a dustpan.
}
} > Rupee Dementia Ale.
}
} Finally, something I can get behind!  Indeed, a fine brew.  Much better
} than that 'merkin stuff they try to pass off as beer.  I remem--
}
} > Deep, male urine tea.
}
} Umm, yes, American beer *is* bad...
}
} > Permeate due alien.
}
} No, it's just bad beer.  Has nothing to do with alien conspiracies.
} Although J. Edgar Hoover di--
}
} > Repeated, alien emu!
}
} Are you listening, supplicant? I just said
}
} > Rude, mean, elite ape.
}
} Huh?  You're interrupting me!  And talk about your mixed
}
} > I'm laureate.  Deepen.
}
} One, Two, Three... Okay, but you haven't exactly asked any deep
} questions.
}
} > Deep emulate in ear.
}
} <The Oracle is stunned>
}
} > Urinated ape melee.
}
} That's it!  I've had enough of you!  This supplication is over!  What
} did you say your name was?
}
} > Peter Emile Nadeau.
}
} Well, Pete, you may wish to notify your next of kin.  Meanwhile...
}
} You owe The Orac--
}
} > Due entire male ape?
}
} No, dammit, what would I do with an ape?  I already said I prefered
} de-- <cough>  Anyway, I just want you to make sense!
}
} > A deeper, male unite.
}
} Ugh.  *ZOT*


981-04    (8cxwd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who never has to suffer to stupidity of pointy-haired
> bosses, please answer my most humble of questions:
>
> How does my boss expect me to fill out a self-assessment against
> my job description when I have never had a job description?
> My performance review is tomorrow morning and any insight would be
> greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Job description: n/a
} Tasks required:  none
}
} Self-assessment: I have performed tirelessly and perfectly all the
} tasks outlined in my job description with a consistently high degree
} of speed, accuracy and creativity.  I have received no complaints
} whatsoever for my work on these tasks, and have caused no bugs, server
} crashes, or general protection faults.  My work on these tasks has met
} the highest standards of quality assurance and Year 2000
} compatibility, and will run with equal excellence on any platform at
} all, including the Commodore 64 and ENIAC.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Y2K-compliant Difference Engine.


981-05    (emun9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I will _not_ grant you total immunity before you ask your
} question!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a good excuse.


981-06    (4dBtf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle, most timely:
>
>  So, I went in a time machine back to the Mesozoic era and accidentally
>  stepped on an insect. Everything all right up there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as I know, everything's OK here. By the way, what's an insect?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pollinator.


981-07    (4nquf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most literary, who is never wanting for a good idea,
>
> I need to write a sonnet for my English class. But I don't know what to
> write about. Any ideas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, of *course* not. I have no ideas whatsoever. Me, the Most
} Knowledgeable of Knowledgeable. No ideas *at all*. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not
} here. *rolls eyes*
}
}   Supplicant, I think you'd best write about the crush you have on
} Sally. No, really. It's the best way to segue into asking her if she
} wants to go to Winter Formal with you. Especially after you read it out
} loud in class. I know, it's a rather mortifying thought. But what the
} heck! You're only 10th graders. The Universe doesn't *totally* revolve
} around you, if you can believe it. Trust me; I know these things.
}
}   And after she cruelly dumps you for Robert, three months after the
} dance, you'll meet Katy! Whom you'll date for seven years. You'll make
} every important decision of your life based on Katy. You'll pick that
} dinky state college in Iowa over your dream school (MIT) in order to be
} near Katy. You'll major in *Econ*, because Katy majors in *Econ*, so
} you can be in the same classes as Katy. You'll spend every waking
} moment of your life (and even some of the sleeping ones) with Katy,
} those entire seven years. You'll move to Los Angeles because Katy wants
} to move to Los Angeles and become an actress, and one day, you'll bend
} down on one knee and ask Katy to marry you.
}
}   And when Katy dumps you to marry Benjamin after finding out that he's
} the real father of her child, you'll meet Lateesha, the exotic dancer
} at the bar across the street from the fast food restaurant you work at!
} Every Thursday night, after you've hung your hairnet in for the day,
} you'll go to the bar (because that's when Lateesha's there) and you'll
} ogle her for hours. For four years. And although you don't know it,
} Lateesha is your soul mate, and she notices you every week, and you
} become the object of her adoration. The Thursday night you finally
} gather the nerve to ask her out on a date, you'll enter the bar only to
} find that she's not there. Because Big Cory, the local Mafia chapter
} president, has ordered her to be taken out, because, you discover,
} Lateesha's really an undercover cop who's been monitoring illicit
} activities in the area, and she had just gathered enough evidence to
} turn Big Cory in.
}
}   In despair, you'll wander home and plunk yourself in front of the
} television, zombie-like. You'll flip through the channels mechanically,
} watching the bright images float across the screen. You stop at a news
} report with Lateesha's obituary. Angry and depressed, you'll turn to
} another station. That station turns out to be showing the Oscars, and
} the scene it presents you is of Katy being given the award for Best
} Actress, for her work in a highly acclaimed remake of "Gone With the
} Wind". In disgust, you'll turn to yet another station, only to find
} Sally delivering the State of the Union address.
}
}   Er... on second thought, why don't you write about your pet ducky?
} "The brilliant duck doth nobly quacketh so..."
}
}   You owe The Oracle a sonnet on either of the aforementioned subjects.


981-08    (fHta1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who has more power in his/her/its
>  little finger than Bill Gates has dollars, answer me:
>  WHERE HAS THAT FINGER BEEN???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the places that my finger hath been. I cannot recount them
} all to you, as that would use up all the time available in your
} pitiful human life. You ask about my little finger, and so I shall
} not even mention the places my almighty index finger has been, such
} as pointing the way forward for the universe after the big bang, and
} engraving the Grand Canyon into the landscape of Colorado.  But my
} little finger has been places and done things you could not imagine.
} It stirs the oceans, causing havoc for the local fish populations,
} but making the ocean currents the powerful forces they are. It taps
} the clouds when they get a bit full, causing rain. It nudges the odd
} glacier here and there, causing iceberg formation. It went into my
} ear once, when the wax buildup started to bother me. And naturally,
} the one everybody knows about, is the infamous asteroid belt. But we
} won't go into that in detail. Just leave it said that my little finger
} has made good use of the opportunities I have afforded it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an industrial sized earbud.


981-09    (cnzk8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Most Wise,
> if my life were a movie,
> is this is about the right time to go for popcorn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. You'll have to wait until it gets interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a commercial break.


981-10    (4fnAk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most rhythmical and lyrical, please inform me,
>
> During a conversation with a friend, he told that a person of our
> mutual aquaintance had composed what he believed to be a wonderful
> work of art in poetic form.  Unfortunately, he able to recall only the
> first four lines of what he assured me was an epic work.  They read:
>
>       Eagle, eagle in the sky,
>       How is it that you fly so high?
>       "Why," said the eagle, "with wings, of course!
>       Otherwise I'd be like a horse!"
>
> Can you tell me, in your wisdom, what the text of the rest of the poem
> was?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, those four lines have been a recurring theme in many types
} of poetry and song.  Since I'm not sure which version you are after,
} I'll send you the ending for each one that I have.
}
} William Shakespeare:
}
}       In sooth, I know not why I fly so high,
}       Wings carry me; yet cannot carry you.
}       My equine friend must fail, though he doth try,
}       And is but destined ever for the plough.
}
} Nihlist (in free-verse):
}
}       The bird flew over the rotting corpse of the horse.
}       It landed upon the horse, and picked at the festering flesh.
}       It was poisened and died horribly.
}       A bird flew over and landed on it's rotting corpse.
}
} 50's Mod (picture a guy with a goatee wearing all black):
}
}       Bird bird flap squawk fly up up
}       Not horse clip-clop-clip-clop burden ground, terra bound,
}       battleground Injustice, in practice, wing of bird, hoof of steel
}       Toil before the wheel snap snap
}
} Heavy-Metal:
}
}       I, will never die, but I will fly,
}       To the other side.
}       And, upon the horse, the walking curse,
}       Of the evil lies. <wild guitar solo here>
}
} Doo-wop:
}
}       There was a bird, and he could fly so high,
}       And the horse said, how do you do it, guy?
}       And then they talked, two animals in the glade
}       Oh what a love-ly, picture they made.
}
} Psychodelic:
}
}       Picture yourself on a bird; on an eagle,
}       Over pastures with horses just walking around,
}       Suddenly someone is there and she's saying,
}       That bird's so incredibly high.
}
}       Lifted by feathers of white, tan, and brown,
}       Towering over your head,
}       Laugh at the horse, with his feet on the ground,
}       And we're gone.
}
}               Eagle in the sky, with wings on,
}               Horse is on the ground, walking 'round,
}               Bird is so, so high, can't be found,
}               Ahhh-ahhh.
}
} Country:
}
}       I was driving down the road in my pickup truck,
}       When I saw an eagle fly and I said "what the heck",
}       He looked like my ex-wife's old horse only he had wings,
}       Which reminded me of my prison time and other bad things.
}
}               Trigger, lather up the saddle, ride that horse so hard,
}               The eagle flies into the sky, so we must be on guard,
}               And if you win you get this bag of oats, woven from gold,
}               And if you lose that eagle gets your foal.
}
}       The eagle bowed it's beak because it knows when it's been beat,
}       And laid that golden oat-sack on the ground at trigger's feet.
}       Trigger said "You can come on back, if you ever want to race
}       again, 'Cause I've beat you once, you feathered fiend, and I'll
}               beat you once again!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a faster horse, some birdseed, and a diamond for
} Lucy.
}
} (Oracle incarnated as hinzd@med.ge.com)


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