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Internet Oracularities #982

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982, 982-01, 982-02, 982-03, 982-04, 982-05, 982-06, 982-07, 982-08, 982-09, 982-10


Internet Oracularities #982    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Feb 1998 14:04:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   982
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

982   93 votes 9mCi6 8jtne 6sFh1 7ntnb 5grqj aCpg4 57nAm 6jtqd 4kqsf 5nFi6
982   3.1 mean  2.9   3.2   2.8   3.1   3.4   2.6   3.7   3.2   3.3   3.0


982-01    (9mCi6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> you have a very funny pristess,
> who is she?
> I want to ask you for her hand!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  You'd have difficulty pronouncing her name in your language.
}          Actually, you'd have difficulty doing it with a tongue and
}          vocal chords shaped like that.
}
}          As for the marriage proposal, well, I don't know that you
}          really want to do that, but since you asked...
}
}          Zadoc!  Get in here!
}
} Zadoc:   Yes, mighty one?
}
} Oracle:  We have a marriage to perform.
}
} Zadoc:   But, sir...
}
} Oracle:  Yes, yes.  Nevermind that.
}
} Zadoc:   Whatever you say...
}
}          [Zadoc turns to face the young couple -- young being a
}          relative term when an Immortal is in the room.]
}
}        Please step forward and state your names...thank you.
}
}          Do you, thankless Supplicant, take this Priestess to be her
}          thrall, her sex slave, her concubine, her combine, her
}          tractor, her ox, her scullery maid, and any other menial
}          operant she can conceive?  (Say, 'I do...')
}
}          Do you, Q!brztshck!shmp of the third rank, take this lowly
}          worm, whose brain cannot comprehend, whose thoughts cannot
}          conceive, whose loins are probably below mention to command,
}          torture, enrapture, enslave, and any other entertainment you
}          can squeeze out before his usefulness is at an end? (Say,
}          "Sh!ctazk...")
}
}          I now pronounce you man and B!lapyv.  You may slug the
}          Supplicant.
}
} THWACK!
}
}          And may I say, what a lovely couple you make.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete transcript of your divorce proceedings.


982-02    (8jtne dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you're the Juno Incarnation, please do not reply to this.  You
> aren't the remotest bit funny, and I've had more than enough from you
> already.
>
> Oh Oracle most wise, it is my understanding that the fiercest creature
> on this planet, milligram for milligram, is the Siamese fighting fish.
> (_Betta splendens_, if you really want to be picky about it.)
>
> I was just wondering, how does ths Siamese fighting fish compare with
> the fiercest creatures on some other planets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, a much better question for you to ask would be "I understand
} that the Juno Incarnation is, milligram for milligram, the least funny
} creature on the planet. I was just wondering, how does this Juno
} Incarnation compare with the least funny creatures on some other
} planets?" As I am perfect in every way, I'm sure you'll accept my
} judgement.
}
} On Earth we're actually quite lucky in that many of our standup
} comedians are usually fairly good (We'll ignore Bob Hope for the
} purpose of argument). On the planet Leeemunz in the Joest
} Constellation, standup comedians have a number of handicaps. Firstly,
} since the dominant Brappa species have no legs, they are unable to
} 'stand up'. Secondly, the species communicates via a form of biological
} fax. Unfortunately, due to some quirk of evolution when a Brappa prints
} an answer, a signature is printed onto the bottom of the sheet of paper
} listing its entire genetic code. Given that this takes about four
} hours, this does cause problems for Brappa comedians in the area of
} comic timing. Thirdly, Brappa rapidly run out of paper due to their
} lengthy replies and often, just when they need to make a witty putdown
} of a member of the audience, the comedian has to rush off to eat some
} trees.
}
} In the Grrayymian Nebula, they have a problem of language definition
} and memory. You see, the Grrayymians love puns, but given that their
} language has 231 vowels and 4912 consonants, the chance of any two
} words sounding even remotely similar is so small, that the only two
} punning words are "gyyrruuthzmkian" meaning "worm droppings" and
} "gyyrraathxmkion" meaning "lymph node". Hence, the funniest joke in the
} Grrayymian Nebula is "Doctor, I think my worm droppings are swelling,
} could it be something serious?". Unfortunately, due to having a memory,
} the entire populace knows this joke. Consequently the Grrayymian race
} have all become ultraserious rocket scientists researching space travel
} in the hope of travelling to other planets, learning the language and
} hearing lots of good puns. (I just had to tell them about Japan, expect
} them in time for the 2036 Olympics).
}
} On the third moon of the planet Juggz live an ancient race called
} "Horridans" who in symbiotic evolution have evolved to be especially
} suited to being administrators. So good are they at this task,
} that intelligent species for parsecs around have handed over all
} their administration duties to the Horridans so that the other
} species can get on with meaningful work, or, god forbid, have a
} bit of time to relax. So humorless are the Horridans that several
} races in the area considered it a rite of passage to manhood for
} their young males to travel to the third moon of Juggz and make one
} of the Horridans crack a smile. These races are all now extinct,
} as the task proved impossible and none of their young males passed
} into manhood.  A typical conversation for one of these unfortunate
} males went like this:
}
}       Number 92,343,843 Please go to Window 3. Number 92,343,843
}       Please go to Window 3.
}
}       Excuse me, have you heard the one about the acrobat who caught
}               his wife in the act?
}       I'm sorry, you have the wrong department. We deal with
}               applications for licences to crop-dust agricultural
}               planets.  If you need to make a request for an
}               entertainment licence you need to queue down the hall
}               in Room A357Z.
}       No, no, no, it doesn't matter. Excuse me, I need to see
}               the file for I. P. Standing.
}       Please wait a minute while I look that up on the computer.
}               I'm sorry, we don't have a file for I. P. Standing.
}               If I. P.  Standing is the acrobat you mentioned
}               before you'll need to queue down the hall as we do
}               not have the computer codes necessary to access the
}               entertainment licence registry.
}       Oh, oh, oh, ..., oh forget it!
}
} As you can see, even The Juno Incarnation would be the funniest
} creature known on any of these planets. So, if we can only work out
} a way of sending it to one of them....
}
} You owe The Oracle a witty putdown for 'My Grandmother could tell
} better jokes than you, and she's a five tongued three legged reptiloid
} who has been crushed into subatomic particles in a black hole'.
}
} Feedback to: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk


982-03    (6sFh1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou whose powers of persuasion are so great that thou
> couldst talk Fidel Castro into becoming thy downstream distributor of
> Amway products, please hear this question.
>
> Oracle, as you know anything, could you please explain something to me
> about the curious culture of our American cousins. As far as I can see,
> they knew that Bill Clinton was a womanising adulterer before they
> elected him President. They elected him President. Now, they're
> creating a big fuss and acting all shocked because he's a womanising
> adulterer. Isn't this perhaps just a little bit unfair on the guy? At
> least he doesn't accidently strangle himself while wearing womens
> stockings and with his mouth filled with an orange like our British
> politicians do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you know anything about Americans, supplicant, it's that they love
} to complain about things.
}
} They complained during the election because they didn't like the
}   choices.
} They complained after he was elected because he was a womanizer.
} They complain now because he is STILL a womanizer.
} They complain because they think Kenneth Starr is trying too hard.
} They complain because Monica Lewinsky is a fat cow.
} They complain because Paula Jones used to look pretty sleazy.
} They complain because now she's cleaned up her image.
} They even complained that the King of England was using them, way back
}   around the American Revolution.  Can you imagine?
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with that Gennifer Flowers person.


982-04    (7ntnb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, all knowith and wise, I have a question for
> you, one of which is most important and universe shaping, that us as
> mortals are hanging on your works and ideas, and we need you to answer
> these questions so that we can better ourselves in your image and then
> aspire to raise ourselves to become better servants to your great and
> magnifacant presence so that you will no longer need those priests
> with you because we will be perfect and submissive workers in your
> most wisely crafted and perfectly created world and in service to you
> we may become better lowly creatures and then know our true purpose as
> our species, which is to serve you and yourself for eternity untill
> you tire of us and then we can gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle
> gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see that El Nino has finally arrived to your neck of the woods.


982-05    (5grqj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Miss Manners
>
> I have a real and major problem.  Of tonights supper guests, four are
> vegetarians and for them I will be doing a timbal of parsnip and
> sprouts, while my six omnivorous guests will have sole Veronique.  I
> like to keep these things simple and prefer not to prescribe sitting
> places and would like to lay place settings for all eventualities. I am
> sure that you can see my problem.  Should the fish knives and forks be
> laid inside or outside the regular cutlery for the timbal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Miss Manners is on vacation.  In her place, we present Thag, a
} Neanderthal from the late Pleistocene epoch.]
}
}       Thag here.  Thag read your question carefully.  Thag think about
} question.  Thag think long time about question.  Thag think question
} difficult, but Thag often have trouble with questions anyways.
}       Thag see you say you "like keep things simple."  Thag agree with
} this.  Thag enjoy simple meals.  Thag eat simple foods often, nuts,
} berries, roast mammoth.  Thag think simple meals best.
}       Thag not understand why simple meal need separate forks for fish
} meal and root meal.  Thag not understand why guests need forks in first
} place.  Thag think you should take all forks and knives and spoons from
} table.  Thag think guests should eat with hands.  Thag think food taste
} better when hands are greasy and gooey.  Thag think eating with hands
} make meal more spi-ri-tu-al.
}       Thag done.
}
} [Thag's column, "Thag Here", appears in over 250 papers nation-wide.]


982-06    (aCpg4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Operatic Of Oracles,
>
> If I took Gilbert, Sullivan, Vardi, Strauss, and Wagner and put them
> all into a room (with pleanty of sustenance) and not let them come out
> until they had all written an Opera together, What ould be the Title of
> the Opera and how would the Plot go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not very familiar with this Vardi fellow, so let's just assume that
} whoever he is, he will play the role of sustenance for the other four.
} With that settled, it's off to the opera we go!
}
} Hmm, let's see...  Gilbert, Sullivan, Strauss, and Wagner...
}
} I believe an obvious working title for such an epic would go something
} like "The Really Big Button Fly Shoe on the Bionic Prairie."
}
} As for how the plot would go, I think the title pretty much answers
} that question. However, the surprise ending, I must say, is quite
} extraordinary. I don't want to give away too much, so I'll just say
} that by the end of the show, you'll be wondering a lot about sexual
} identity.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fat lady who sings when it gets boring.


982-07    (57nAm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % finger supplicant@cs.indiana.edu
> [cs.indiana.edu]
> Login name: supplicant                In real life: Guest account
> Directory: /home/supplicant           Shell: /bin/rsh
> Never logged on.
> No unread mail.
> No plan.
>
> % rsh cs.indiana.edu -l supplicant grep -in oracle /etc/passwd
> 42: oracledba:*:12:11:Oracle DBA:/home/oracledba:/bin/sh
> 255: oracle:*:0:1:The Internet Oracle:/home/deities/oracle:/bin/msh
> % rsh cs.indiana.edu -l supplicant ypcat /etc/passwd | grep -i
> oracle > orrie.crackme
> % crack orrie.crackme > orrie.passwd &
> [1] 1066
> ...
> %
> crack: No passwords found in English (using Electronic OED, 1997 ed.).
> [1] Done              crack orrie.crackme > orrie.passwd
> % crack orrie.crackme --dict="Random House Elder-to-English, -4e20 ed."
> > orrie.passwd &
> [1] 1789
> ...
> %
> crack: Found a match!
> [1] Done              crack orrie.crackme --dict="Random House Elder-t
> % cat orrie.passwd | tee quicktrans --in="Elder" --out="English"
> astioguaWERKLWQEI*Rdakfj#%*(safSDIF#45Afgji4%fgjERtFRGe
> quicktrans: The sigil Odegra, "Hail the Great Beast, Devourer of Worlds"
> % telnet cs.indiana.edu
> Trying 129.79.123.25...
> Connected to CS.INDIANA.EDU.
> Escape character is ^].
>
> Login: oracle
> Password:
>
> and THEN what happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have 13,234,169,832,623 unread messages.


982-08    (6jtqd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Orrie ever go to Renaissance Fairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no! You're messing it all up! Look, *I'm* pretending to be the
} Internet Oracle. You're supposed to come in and ask me, the Oracle, a
} question, not ask me, me, a question *about* the Oracle. Also, you
} forgot to abase yourself and grovel. Can't you get anything right?
} Here, let me show you how it's done.
}
} Ok, so now I'm pretending to be a supplicant. I walk into the Great
} Hall of the Oracle. I show my fear and awe of the Oracle by cringing a
} little and opening my eyes real wide. I fall on my knees in front of
} the Oracle. What? Yes, I know nobody's there right now, but in a couple
} of minutes, you'll be the supplicant and I'll be the Oracle, so you'll
} be here and I'll be there, got it? All right, so I'm on my knees now,
} and I maybe touch my forehead to the floor. Why? Because it's an
} ancient gesture of respect. So I've abased myself -- now I have to
} grovel, you know, say flattering things like "O mighty Oracle in whose
} eyes I am too insignificant to even mock" or "O most wise Oracle who
} knows more than my pathetic brain ever can." Finally, I get to ask my
} question "Does Orrie ever go to Renaissance Fairs?" I don't know where
} you came up with that, but at least it's a question. Except that it
} should be "Do you ever go to Renaissance Fairs?" because I'm the
} Oracle. Don't even say it.
}
} All right, so now I'm running over here and pretending to be the
} Internet Oracle. You've just asked me your question, and I have to
} deign to reply. I come up with a suitable witty and omniscient response
} such as "Yes, I play God." or make some reference to MST3K and refer to
} you as a community theater reject. Then I think up some sort of payment
} that you owe me.
}
} What do you get out of it? Why, a tiny fragment of the great wisdom of
} the Oracle. Ok, so you stand over there and we'll try this again. Wait,
} where are you going?
}
} Somebody owes the Oracle a new supplicant.


982-09    (4kqsf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ahem.  Oh Oracle most wise, ahem.  I have, ahem, this awful problem,
> ahem, with post-nasal drip.  Ahem.  Sorry.  Ahem.  I have to keep
> clearing, ahem, my throat.  Ahem.  Is there anything, ahem, I can do
> about this?  Ahem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *2 second film bite of person w/ runny nose sniffling*
}
} Voice-over: Post-nasal drip getting you down?
}
} *person sits up, looks interested, nods excitedly*
}
} Voice-over: Wish you had a way to stop the annoying sniffling?
}
} Person: Yeah!
}
} Voice-over: Try ChronoNose!
}
} Person: Huh?
}
} Voice-over: ChronoNose! This remarkable new invention actually puts a
} very small time machine INSIDE YOUR NOSE!!!
}
} Person: Wow! But how does that stop post-nasal drip?
}
} Voice-over: ChronoNose sends your mucus and other nasal fluids BACK IN
} TIME!! We guarantee that 99.5% of all your drip will be PRE-NASAL!!!
}
} Person: YAY!!! Oh, but I don't want to go get a perscription...
}
} Voice-over: ChronoNose is legal for sale OVER THE COUNTER!! We use the
} strongest Nasal Time Machine the government will allow us to and still
} not need a perscription.
}
} Person: I don't know, ChronoNose sounds expensive.
}
} Voice-over: It's not! Besides, think of the embarrasement if you had a
} meeting with a big client and had to keep sniffling... or a performance
} review...
}
} Person: Wow! It sounds like I'll wind up *making* money by buying
} ChronoNose!!
}
} Voice-over: ChronoNose - the time machine for your mucus!
}
} *bright flash, show Person in expensive luxury car, holding up a
} ChronoNose*
}
} Person: Thank you, Chrono Nose!
}
} Voice-over: ChronoNose - available at finer pharmacies everywhere.
}
} Lawyer Voice: NotlegalforsaleinWisconsin.
} PleaseconsultyourphysicianbeforeusingChronoNose.
} Notanosehairremovalproduct. Useonlyasdirected.
} ChronoNoseInc.doesn'ttakeanyresponsibilityifyoushovesmallinsectsupyour
} nosetotryandsendthembackintime.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ChronoNose.


982-10    (5nFi6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a person like yourself doing at a insignificant little .edu
> instead of the goodies like UAH.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE INTERNET ORACLE STAYS AT THIS PARTICULAR .EDU,
} INSTEAD OF GOING TO UAH.EDU:
}
} 1:    Due to constant lobbying, the State of Indiana has introduced
} total tax excemption for all omniscients operating out of this
} particular institution.
}
} 2:    Delphi wasn't exactly the centre of Greek civilization either,
} you know.
}
} 3:    That gosh-darned Hollering from the Rooftops Oracle has cornered
} the *entire* answering market in Huntsville, including the University
} of Alabama. And he ain't sharing!
}
} 4:    Big .edus fear that the size of my reputation will suffocate the
} reps of the actual places of learning sponsoring them.
}
} 5:    Some 68 percent of the Indiana population have IQs smack dab in
} the average required to be members of the Oracular Priesthood.
} Alabamans, on the other hand, usually lack IQs altogether.
}
} 6:    Ye can't get theah from heah.
}
} 7:    Epitome of all that is Indiana: Steve Kinzler.
}
} 8:    Essence of Alabamahood: Og.
}
} 9:    I can't stand the terrible climate they've got down there.
}
} And finally:
}
} 10:   The Coalition of Small W**dch**king Animals is just too strong in
} the South.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of David Letterman's "Best of Top Ten Lists"!
}  (and boy, do I need it!)


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