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Internet Oracularities #983

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983, 983-01, 983-02, 983-03, 983-04, 983-05, 983-06, 983-07, 983-08, 983-09, 983-10


Internet Oracularities #983    (97 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 11:37:24 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   983
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

983   97 votes 7uBi5 pypb2 6tvid aiCo7 euzd5 9qpod 2dtAh 4kEq7 druj8 bwtfa
983   2.9 mean  2.8   2.3   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.5   3.1   2.8   2.8


983-01    (7uBi5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> What is fate? How does it differ from fortune or providence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortune is when something didn't necessarily have to happen, it just
} did.  Example: "Our company wouldn't have gone under if that %&$#!!
} magazine hadn't bad-mouthed us."
}
} Providence is when something happened by the ministrations of a power
} greater than yourself.  Example: "God d%&$#!, these Rhode Islanders
} drive _slow_."
}
} So, that leaves fate, which is stuff that just _had_ to happen.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10% of the profits from the special "White House
} Interns" issue of Playboy.


983-02    (pypb2 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey there, Great One. Just a quickie query. Is RU still around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Rogaine Ultra was discontinued when Don King lodged a formal
} complaint against the company.


983-03    (6tvid dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <html><div>Oh Oracle, thou who are mightier than the mighty Aphrodite,
> whose toe-jam is sweeter than the delicate nectar of the prune, tell
> me...</div>
> <br>
> Why is it unsafe to stand in the shower holding a plugged in toaster?
> <BR>
>
> </font></html>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, you don't want to </life> your self


983-04    (aiCo7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most solicited, this humble supplicant begs you to answer the
> most vexing questions of all:
>
> All the lonely spammers - where so they all come from?
> All the lonely spammers - where do they all belong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most solicitous, I grow most weary of Oracularities based
} on classic songs, British literature, and whatnot.  So, to keep things
} interesting, I'm going to answer this from the Marilyn Manson
} perspective.  Pardon me, whist I get into character.
}
} (Oracle touches Zot staff to his forehead)
} *ZOT!!!*
} Hrrm....  Pdhhhew.  Ptooey.  Okay.
}
} One! two! three!
} (Begin cacophony of banging noises, dentist drills, and people
} screaming) Nyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
} allthelonelyspammers THEY COME FROM HELL!
} allthelonelyspammers THEY BELONG IN HELL!
} allthelonelyspammers YOU GO TO HELL!
} allthelonelyspammers I'LLSEEYOUINHELLLLLLLLLLLLL!
} (Oracle falls flat on his face.)
}
} I hope that answered your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lucrative recording contract.  And some sick
} leave.


983-05    (euzd5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most wonderful and wise, whose intestines are capable of
> digesting anything,
>
> What happens to the questions and answers that do not end up in the
> Oracularities, and therefore remain uh... undigested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feed them to the woo ... the woodch ... the gophers of course.
} You think I've got guts? They really have guts.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a spoon (I remembered my straw).


983-06    (9qpod dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is great and tall,
> whose stocks' values never fall-
>
> My debts pile up and its cash I need,
> Wall Street refuses to help with speed.
>
> If I buy Microsoft I must trust its sire,
> yet I fear giving in to the Evil Empire.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy Microsoft, and buy a gross
} It's competitors will soon be toast
}
} For US post acting as it will
} Gates received mail for the 'other' Bill
}
} Clinton's secrets are all known
} All those oats our Prez. has sown
}
} Lots of laws will soon be passed
} And MS will clean up pretty fast
}
} So buy your stocks and make a killing
} And young girls will become more willing
}
} Buy yourself a fancy car
} Travel the world both near and far
}
} But sell your shares quite soon, you lug
} Only Apple survives, millenium bug.
}
} You owe The Oracle some futures in PowerPC processors.


983-07    (2dtAh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was in Belgium for a business trip, a bunch of punks threw pies
> at me and TAPED the whole thing.  Now there are quicktime and MPEG
> files all over the Internet of this travesty!  ORRIE!  WHAT DO I DO???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle presents:
}
} TOP TEN WAYS TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL ON BEING HIT IN THE FACE WITH CREAM
} PIES:
}
} 10) Nuke Belgium. (See how many people hit you with cream pies after
} that!)
}
} 9)  Claim it was a public-relations stunt instigated by yourself to
} show, "Hey, CEO's of powerful, ruthless multinationals are human, too."
}
} 8)  Hire all of Madison Avenue to convince the public that being hit in
} the face with a cream pie is enjoyable/wrinkle-reducing/cure for
} cancer/fun for the whole family. Go down in history as a trend-setter.
}
} 7)  Found the Society for the Survivors of Cream Pie Attacks. Paint
} yourself as the victim. (Frankly, The Oracle foresees this will not
} work. But The Oracle also foresees that He will get a few laughs out of
} it if you try.)
}
} 6)  Run away and become a clown in the circus. After your fifteenth
} peformance and one hundred and twentieth pie in the face, no one will
} be downloading those movies anymore.
}
} 5)  Refuse to press charges, claiming "They didn't hit me! They hit my
} evil twin brother!"
}
} 4)  Declare that recent events have led you to believe that cream pies
} are the "technology of the future", and as such should be carefully
} regulated. Submit cream pies to an ISO committee. Gloat as the
} committee becomes deadlocked for the next century.
}
} 3)  Buy the Internet out. (Whadyamean, you can't? What kind of
} small-time business man are you, anyways, if you can't buy out
} something as disorganized as the Internet?)
}
} 2) Announce that you are launching a competitor product to the
} Internet, BetweenWeb, which will not only have more bandwith and higher
} access speeds, but quicktime and MPEG files of you being hit in the
} face with Acme Exploding Banana Cream Pies. Let it be known that it
} will not be compatible with Internet, and that it will be available
} "soon."
}
} And the top way to do damage control:
}
} 1)  Announce that, if the world is not going to treat you with respect,
} you are no longer to pussy-foot around with your campaign for world
} domination. Declare yourself a sovereign corporate nation. Hire
} mercenary armies, and convince the world to switch over to your
} products at gun-point. When every person in every nation is dependent
} on you for their entire existence, when you have eliminated every trace
} of competition, in a live broadcast, announce, "And you know what the
} worst part of it is? I LIKE BEING HIT IN THE FACE WITH CREAM PIES! I
} JUST CONQUERED YOU FOR THE FUN OF IT! *BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!*"
}
} You owe the Oracle a screensaver. Maybe a quicktime based one. Or MPEG.
} With cream pies.


983-08    (4kEq7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am having a terrible problem with grapefruit.  First of all, they
> don't treat me well.  You, being an Omniscient Oracle, are always aware
> of when the grapefruit is aiming to squirt you in the eye, and you have
> plenty of time to duck or blink.  I am (of course) a hapless
> supplicant, and my grapefruit always get me just as I have removed my
> eyeglasses. But that's no my real problem.
>
> I have decided to raise grapefruit.  That means I'll have to plant
> grapefruit trees.  What I want are -seedless- grapefruit.  I was
> wondering where to get the seeds for seedless grapefruit (seems rather
> difficult, doesn't it?), but then the solution hit me in the face!
> This morning my breakfast's seedless grapefruit spat a seed into my
> eye.  Now I have a seedless grapefruit seed.  Or do I?  How can I know,
> without spending years getting this seed to grow to a tree, whether
> it's truly going to yield seedless grapefruit?  By the way, I'm not
> planning on growing my grapefruit here in Minnesota, or even in Sweden
> as my grandmother suggested.  Instead, I'm going down south, somewhere
> beyond Iowa.  Maybe even farther than Kansas or Missouri.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually, "seedless" fruit are really just the normal varieties.
} Certain elves (okay, those who were exiled from the Keebler tree, and
} are working in the US without a green card) make *tiny* incisions,
} suck the seeds out, and seal it back up with superglue.  So your
} problem isn't with getting a seed supply, but getting a good supply
} of elves.  Letting them know that social security numbers are not
} required for employment is a good start.
}
}      Oh, and can you really be suprised that grapefruit treat you
} that way?  Wouldn't you be somewhat irritable if someone was trying
} to eat *you*?
}
} You owe the Oracle a seedless human.


983-09    (druj8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Wise, please tell, is it true
> frequency of use dull the sensation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only when done with steel wool. Don't say the Oracle hasn't warned you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of AstroGlide.


983-10    (bwtfa dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lovely Oracle, whose breath is sweeter than any toothpaste manufacturer
> would dare to advertise! Beautiful Oracle, whose complexion is so clear
> that the sun sits alone sulking on a Saturday night when it can't get a
> date because of its spots! Gorgeous Oracle, whose legs... well, maybe I
> won't go there.
>
> If I lose weight, will my wife have sex with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends where you want to lose that weight.


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