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Internet Oracularities #986

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Internet Oracularities #986    (90 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 09:32:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   986
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

986   90 votes 47gFm josf4 9awrc ehqo9 8trce csrg7 7hwmc dwqh2 eawnb 8klqf
986   3.0 mean  3.8   2.6   3.3   3.0   2.9   2.8   3.2   2.6   3.1   3.2


986-01    (47gFm dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, thou who couldst read the entire history of the human
> race, not only from a collection of mitochondria, but simply by the
> lipstick stain on a discarded tissue, please hear this Piltdown man
> of a question from this unworthy supplicant, not even worthy of using
> primitive tools in thy prescence.
>
> Oracle, I've read that William Straus and A.J.E. Cave said that "if
> [Neanderthal man] could be reincarnated and placed in New York subway -
> provided that he were bathed, shaved, and dressed in modern clothing,
> it is unlikely that he would attract any more attention than some of
> its other denizens."
>
> Oracle, this sounds like fun. Could you try it with Og and tell me
> what happens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your query intrigued Me, as well, supplicant, so we ran your proposed
} experiment. In the first trial, as Straus and Cave suggested, we shaved
} and bathed Og, and dressed him in modern-day, conservative manner. The
} following transcript was recorded after placing him in the New York
} subway:
}
} *** Transcript begins ***
}
} DENIZEN 1: Hey! Check out Mr. Wall Street!
}
} OG:        Og name not Mr. Wall Street. Og name Og.
}
} DENIZEN 2: F*ck, you're not even American. F*ckin' comin' here, takin'
}            our g*dd*mn jobs... Where the f*ck you from?
}
} OG:        Og from home.
}
} DENIZEN 1: Cute, man. Well, tell you what -- you give us all your
}            money, we'll let you go home again.
}
} OG:        Mon-ey? Og not know what mon-ey is. Og not got mon-ey.
}
} DENIZEN 2: F*ck this, man...
}
} *** Transcript ends ***
}
} As can be seen, integration was not as successful as hoped. In the
} control trial, Og was dropped, smelly, hairy, and wearing loin-cloth
} some fourteen months later (after injuries had healed) once again into
} the subway system, and the following ensued:
}
} *** Transcript begins ***
}
} DENIZEN 3: Check it out!
}
} DENIZEN 4: Cool. Major statement. He must be in a band or something.
}
} DENIZEN 3: Yeah. I should book him for my cousin's place. Hey, you!
}            Yeah, nice clothes. Are you lookin' for a club?
}
} OG:        Og got club already. Og got club with spikes.
}
} DENIZEN 3: No, I mean like a nightclub.
}
} OG:        Club still got spikes at night.
}
} DENIZEN 3: Look, do you want somewhere to play, or what?
}
} OG:        Og want you to go away. Og mean now. Og already *got* club.
}            Og play with club right here.
}
} [Various clubbing noises ensue. Occasional scream.]
}
} DENIZEN 4: Man, I told you before, you gotta be careful with artistes.
}            It's their, you know, artistic temperament.
}
} *** Transcript ends ***
}
} Therefore, we must conclude that Straus and Cave were, in fact,
} incorrect. Og was completely unable to pass without notice on the
} subway system, regardless of environmental manipulations.
}
} You owe the Oracle the results of sending Ozzy Osbourne back to the
} Neanderthals.


986-02    (josf4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

Sorry, question editing necessary.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just what *did* happen to Barbara, the net.suppleness.goddess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For more information, see alt.goddess.sag.sag.sag.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spork.


986-03    (9awrc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, to whom the minds of humans and sub-humans are equally
> pathetic and transparent, please share with me your wisdom on the
> following matter:
>
> Often when I am petting my cat, she seems to be enjoying herself and
> purring, however after a while she starts attacking my hand. The
> literature I have read on cat behavior indicates that she is showing
> her annoyance at my continued attentions. However, she often contines
> purring while biting me, and even when not, seems to be enjoying
> herself.  So, am I facing feline frustration at dealing with a
> thick-headed human, or am I simply unlucky enough to live with an
> animal whose favorite pasttime is gnawing on human flesh?
>
> Please let me know as soon as possible, as I am currently suffering a
> great deal of pain all in the name of responsible pet ownership and I
> want to know if all of this is really necessary.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> A Martyred Supplicant
>
> P.S. Although I deeply respect your position as Potentate of Puns and
> know you to be a very witty omniscient being, I would appreciate it if
> your reply didn't contain the phrase "biting the hand that feeds you" or
> any variation thereof.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am unamewsed that you would think that I'd toy with the idea of
} using such low puns.
}
} You need to categorically show the cat who is boss -- I am not lion
} when I tell you to draw the feline somewhere, fur God's sake!  Paws
} for a moment and consider if you want to continue this catastrophe!
} Scratch the idea of ignoring the behavior, it can only make it worse.
}  Don't pussyfoot around, being firm seems like a  purrrfectly good
} solution to this catnip.  Continued abuse can only lead to cataplexy.
} You seem smart enough to cat-ch on that this must come to an end!
} Follow my advice and you'll be the Cat's pajama's, sitting in the
} catbird's seat!
}
} Or you could just fur-get my advice and go by the nickname "lefty".
}
} You owe the Oracle a scratching post - posthaste, unless you'd rather
} have a handout.


986-04    (ehqo9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We'll see.


986-05    (8trce dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Julsy <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well, actually, Mr. Oracle, this isn't a question. "WHAT??" I hear you
> scream. Well, actually, it's just to say thanks for all the good times
> and fun reads I've had.
>
> Do be careful when it finally happens.. you can't help *all* those
> supplicants survive. It's just a good job I got advance warning. Oh
> well, it can't be helped.
>
> Nice knowing you.. I'll be going now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Zadoc!.... Zadoc!!!
}
} [Sounds of power tools and a wet thudding from the small dungeon on
} the left fade out. Zadoc enters, holding a small alarm clock and a
} small tub of yoghurt, and leaving a trail of greenish footprints.]
}
} Zadoc: Yes, O grand and glorious master, who knows the times and
} seasons for -
}
} Oracle: Yeah, yeah, look, a supplicant just left this here for me.
} Do the usual, check it out... if it's any good bring it back and show
} it to me.
}
} Zadoc: Yes, O magnificent one [bowing].
}
} [Zadoc bends down, and picks up the small flat plastic box.
} Emblazoned on the cover are the words "Microsoft Windows 98", with
} a small hologram of a baby in front of a computer in the corner.
} He adjusts his mirrors, and walks out backwards, trailing his nose
} in the green stuff.
}
} Oracle returns to the supplicants, and ZOTs a couple, just because.
}
} Time passes....
}
} Three days later, Zadoc returns, a strange light shining in his eyes.]
}
} Zadoc: O grand and glorious Oracle, who knows the
}
} Oracle: Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, what was the stupid thing?
}
} Zadoc: Windows 98 is now installing.... please wait.
}
} [A wanky blue screen opens on the Oracle's Big Computer, saying,
} "Preparing to run Windows 98 for the first time." The Oracle's Big Hard
} Drive light goes on, and the Big Hard Drive begins to scream like a
} 747 take-off. Lights flicker, and suddenly the Big Screen goes blank.
} A klaxon sounds in the distance.
}
} Zadoc begins convulsing wildly and drops to the floor; a note falls
} from his hand. The Oracle bends down to pick it up, and reads:
}
} "So, you're not so tough, are you? I've had enough of your *useless*
} answers, and senseless ZOTtings! Do you know what you are? A woodchuck!
} 42 of them! all chucking cabers! Burn in hell, Oracle!
}
} Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
} Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"
}
} Oracle glances up, frowns, wonders why anyone would write
} "Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!!" on a note, rather than just saying it, and
} quickly makes up his mind. Dragging Zadoc behind him, he presses the
} secret button on the back of his Internet Oracle's director's chair,
} and runs down the stairs.  Lisa appears from the lavish bedroom on
} the right wearing... well, we won't go into that, anyway, she also
} runs down the stairs and the trapdoor closes behind her.
}
} Panicked supplicants gibber and wimper on the floor; several are
} writhing in the green stuff, which has now gone quite tacky and will
} be difficult to get out in the wash. The plaster begins to crack,
} and the cave starts to fall in on itself...]
}
} Will the Oracle escape the deadly virus? Will Lisa be warm enough
} onboard the escape capsule? Will Zadoc ever grow back his front teeth
} and fingernails?
}
} Stay tuned, miserable supplicants! Same Oracular time, same Oracular
} email address...
}
} You owe the Oracle Linux 2.2... for the DEC Alpha.


986-06    (csrg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>  I have recently been stranded on a very strange island. However, the
> people here are intelligent, kind, rational, in everyway superior to
> humans. As I have talked to them, and described you as fairer than the
> Lilliputians, stronger than the Brobdingnags, more earthly than the
> Laputians, and longer-lived than the Struldbruggs, they have grown
> curious about your wisdom. My Master, who is kind and generous even to
> someone such as myself, wishes to ask you a question. I have taken the
> liberty of writing it down for you here and sending it through their
> advanced technology. I hope your infinite wisdom shall soon answer this
> simple request.
>                                       Signed,
>                                    Captain Lemuel Gulliver
>
>    Neigh-whinny,
> Whinny-neigh-neigh, whinny neigh whinny. Neigh whinny whinny?
>                                       Whinny,
>                                     Neigh-neighy-whinny.
> Do you Houyhnhnm?
>
> Get your free @Houyhnhnm.com address at Houyhnhnm Mail.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, I must say that your Master is a real pervert.  You
} probably aren't aware of their code language.  However, the astute
} among us can clearly see the anagram contained within the supposedly
} innocent question.  Just answering the "innocent" version of the
} question:
}
} Yes, crops will be good in the winter.  The most important thing to
} remember while planning is to use at least 3 virgins in preparation.
} Don't feed the goat immediately beforehand.  That didn't work last
} time, did it?  And don't forget to sprinkle blood on the whale blubber
} first, or the cats won't catch fire at the right time.
}
} And tell your Master, the dirty-minded lecher, that I most certainly
} DO NOT "Houyhnhnm".


986-07    (7hwmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I'll need some help with this one.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I
} give you Bob Dylan!  <THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE>
}
} How many cords must a wood-chuck chuck
} Before it can sit back and smile?
}
} Yes and how many trees must be sacrificed
} Before it can rest for a while.
}
} Yes and how many leaves will lose their lives,
} Just for an answer with style?
}
} The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind,
} The answer is blowing in the wind.
}
} Thank you Bob!  God bless you!
}
} <Bob takes a few bows, then exits stage left>
}
} So, you are seeking the answer in the wrong place.  Here, let me toss
} you into this bottomless pit.  No, no, don't struggle so, you _deserve_
} an answer!  Up and over!  REMEMBER TO LISTEN TO THE WIND AS YOU FALL,
} THE ANSWER LIES THERE!
}
} <SUPPLICANT:  AH YES!  I FINALLY SEEEEEEEEeeeeeee.........>
}
} You owe the Oracle a new well of creativity.


986-08    (dwqh2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, whose batting average is 1.000 in 13457896 at-bats,
> Why did this guy just microwave his baseball glove?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Baseball players have always faced the problem of how to properly
} condition their mitts.  In the olden days, this was usually done with
} 3-in-1 oil (although the Oracle has heard of a few cases who rubbed the
} mitt all over with the ultimate end product of a equine quadruped).
}
} Nowadays, however, with the advent of new, synthetic materials and the
} general decline of ACT test scores, many players have turned to the
} microwave for help.  The reasoning seems to be that if 3-in-1 oil helps
} some, then microwaves, capable of causing cancer in Canadian rats,
} would be ideal.  Treatment generally consists of placing the mitt on a
} microwave safe plate and turning the microwave on high for three
} minutes.  The glove will be more evenly cooked, and more tender, if it
} is rotated 90 degrees partway through cooking.
}
} The mitt may then be served with a garnish of cranberry sauce, or
} smeared with orange marmalade, or served dry with oolong tea in place
} of the more traditional scones.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of Ballpark Franks.


986-09    (eawnb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a suitable punishment for lame jerks who empty out your queue
> and send out lame one-line answers that took half a second to type and
> even less time to think up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT


986-10    (8klqf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose wisdom extends to even understanding uncommented Linux
> Kernel code:
>
> On my account on a SunOS 4.1.3 machine, with only csh installed, I have
> a file in my home directory named '-temp*^M' that I want to get rid of,
> as it is over 10MB in size and is exceeding my disk quota. My usual
> trick, 'rm -i *' doesn't work, as it keeps trying to process the file
> as a command-line parameter (because of the '-') and aborting as it
> isn't a valid parameter. I've been told that I could use Emacs to
> remove it, but Emacs isnt' installed. I can't ask my sysadmin, as
> they're upgrading the network and server in another department, and he
> won't have time for anything but emergencies for another two weeks. How
> can I get rid of this file?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      A large electromagnet works wonders in these situations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lucrative data-recovery contract.


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