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Internet Oracularities #988

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988, 988-01, 988-02, 988-03, 988-04, 988-05, 988-06, 988-07, 988-08, 988-09, 988-10


Internet Oracularities #988    (94 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 08:50:08 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   988
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

988   94 votes iqpj6 7ikxg 8gpol 8hCla 7qBm2 biokl cuzh0 4cmuq 9gsqf 7hEo6
988   3.1 mean  2.7   3.4   3.4   3.1   2.9   3.2   2.6   3.7   3.2   3.1


988-01    (iqpj6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> can I have my chicken to go.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ogwa here. Ogwa say easy have chicken to go. Very difficult have
} chicken to stay.
}
} Supplicant owe Ogwa Og come back kill chicken.


988-02    (7ikxg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most fair, who would never be caught indulging in affairs
> with interns...
>
> Could you provide a list of Presidential acts that would result in
> impeachment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  It's a short list:
}
} 1. Getting caught.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of sunglasses.


988-03    (8gpol dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> YES NO HELL!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SFX: Jeoperdy theme, applause]
}
} Announcer: Welcome to Jeopardy!
}
} Alex Trebek: Hello all, and welcome to today's show. Now we'd like to
} introduce our home viewers to our contestants. Our reigning champion,
} on the left, is the Oracle, with winnings totalling $42,592,500. [to
} Orrie] So, how have you been?
}
} Orrie: No grovel! [SFX: Zot. Trebek's toupee flies smoking off towards
} the rear of the set.]
}
} AT: Forgive me, great one. [to audience] Er, now, our second contestant
} is a newcomer, Bill Clinton. [to Slick Willie] So, tell us about
} yourself.
}
} Bill: Welp, ah'z bahn ahn razed iyn good ole' Arkansawr. Got ta be the
} guv'ner thar, got laid, now ahm the preahsidunt.
}
} AT: [Whispers to Bill:] Cut down on the drawl. Hurts our ratings. You
} can have, erm, 15 minutes alone with Bambi, the stage hand, if you do.
}
} Bill: [Smiles, Whispers back:] You're the boss.
}
} AT: Now, our third contestant is Reginald Smith. He's a graduate of
} MIT, and is a computer programmer for Microsoft. [to Reg] So, how's
} your life?
}
} Reg: Life? What life? I wake up at eight, fill out forms, and go to
} sleep under my desk. Who ever said anything about a life?
}
} AT: Er, well, yes. Our categories are: [SFX: Category noise]
}   Martha Stewart
}   Juno
}   The Body Politic
}   Woodchucks
}   Oracularities
}   Literary Trivia
}
} AT: Being our reigning champion, control goes to the Oracle.
}
} Orrie: I'll take Oracularities for $100, Alex.
}
} AT: Humanity.
}
} Reg: [SFX: Buzz] What is the name for the human race?
}
} AT: No, sorry. You're $100 in the hole.
}
} Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Who would win in a grudge match between Hanson and
} the Spice Girls?
}
} AT: Right. $100 for our reigning champ. Orrie has control.
}
} Orrie: I'll take Oracularities for $200.
}
} AT: Trying for a digested response, are we?
}
} Bill: [SFX: Buzz] Humanitarian!
}
} AT: Sorry, not in the form of a question.
}
} Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Should I become a humanitarian instead?
}
} AT: Right. Orrie now has $300, and control of the board.
}
} Orrie: I'll take The Body Politic for $100, Alex.
}
} AT: To keep his ankles warm.
}
} Bill: [SFX: Buzz] Why do I wear boxer shorts?
}
} AT: Right, for $100. Orrie has control, because otherwise he'd zot me.
}
} Orrie: I'll take Juno for $500, Alex.
}
} AT: YES NO HELL!
}
} Orrie: [SFX: Buzz] Should I zot you? Should you stay with Juno? Where
} can I find you, to beat your brains out?
}
} AT: Right!
}
} You owe the oracle the rest of the script.


988-04    (8hCla dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> speaketh speaketh o i thee beggeth
>
> a thousand flower scents for thy nose
> chorus of sirenes singeth for thy ear
> the cosmos is unfolded to thy eyes
> touched by the gods thy areth
>
> does she love me forever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Verily, merrily, and forsooth
}    Harken us now to the passions of youth.
} This lad bravely asks, and I shall bravely tell
}    Whether this turn out for ill or for well.
}
} A damsel's heart thee seeks for e'er and a day
}    But I, the Oracle, must sayeth "no way".
} It pains me to tell thee so, my friend
}    But thy latest affair is doomed soon to end.
}
} 'Tis not for any fault of thy body nor thy soul
}    No pennance is possible to maketh it whole
} Thy dreams are dashed, and the taste must be sour
}    'Cause fifty bucks only buys thee an hour.
}
} Ye oweth the Oracle the skull of Yorrick.  Alas,
} I knew him well.


988-05    (7qBm2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey mighty Oracle!
>
> What does "23 skiddo" mean?  I read this once somewhere, and it has
> always bothered me.
>
> Thanks,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, supplicant.
}
} Unfortunately, you've hit on a rather tricky question there.
} "23 Skiddoo" is one of those rare phrases that exists simultaneously
} in every parallel universe, but its definition is different
} in each. ParaLinguists refer to such phrases as "MultiDimensional
} CosmoHomoNomonyms," or colloquially as, "a big pain in our collective
} linguistic ass." (Many linguists often resign from the profession
} after spending inordinate amounts of time trying to document these
} abberations, and only the most cunning are able to remain in the
} field).
}
} Here are a couple of definitions from the dimensions nearest your own.
} One of them is probably the right one for your world:
}
} -- The unit of currency in the remote South American tribe of
} Umchataqua is a "Skidos," plural Skidoo. 23 Skidoo is the fixed market
} price of a full-body massage from the tribe chieftan.
}
} -- In 1604, 23 Japanese men were prosecuted for allegedly stealing
} the Emperor's trousers while he was sleeping. All the men proclaimed
} their innocence, saying that the Emperor surely would have woken up
} with 46 hands grabbing at his pants. The group, originally from the
} village of Skidu (which was renamed shortly after the incident),
} were known as the "Skidu 23." Publically exclaiming "23 Skidu" was
} considered a sign of protest, and punishable by death.
}
} -- A phrase that originated in the 'Roaring Twenties,' "Twenty-Three
} Skiddoo" was used to mean many things, including get lost, let's
} go, or "Aha!" (Using all three meanings at once was reserved for
} schizophrenics).  The origin had either to do with a stage version
} of Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities, a corner in New York City, or old
} telegraphers code, where a 23 sent in Morse code meant "away with you!"
}
} -- "23 Skiddoo" is the punchline to the ancient Egyptian riddle,
} "How many Skiddoo does it take to change a light bulb?" The riddle
} was forever banned by Ramses II when he realized that no one in the
} entire kingdom actually knew what a 'skiddoo' was, or for that matter,
} a 'light bulb.'
}
} You owe the Oracle 23 full body massages, or the equivalent in currency
} (the chieftan gives a mean rub).


988-06    (biokl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, hey, bye, bye
> The Oracle will never die
> Don't mention woodchucks, or you will fry
> Hey, hey, bye, bye

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a cold night in a bleak February.  I sat behind my desk,
} wondering if I could tell the landlord that his check had been lost in
} alt.humor.oracle when my sidekick Zadoc made a typo on the header,
} replacing 'rec' with 'alt'.  My Scotch bottle in the top filing cabinet
} drawer was no longer a quarter full, but three quarters empty.  In
} short, I was in a mood noir.  I needed a case, preferably a high paying
} one brought to me by a voluptuous brunette widow in a tight black
} dress.
}
} Suddenly there was a rustling down the hall, and the distinct
} click-click of high heeled shoes.  I pulled my finger out of where it
} had been an assumed the relaxed, somewhat bored pose of a great, but
} unappreciated, detective, and waited for her to make her entrance.  But
} I was to be disappointed.  Instead of the gentle feminine tapping on
} the glass emblazoned: "EVITCETED ETAVIRP ,ELCARO .I" which was in the
} script, a small slip of paper was thrust under the door instead.  I
} caught barely a glimpse of the messenger, but from that brief glimpse
} of fur, I knew the worst: it was unmistakably a dreaded 5'8" brunette
} woodchuck in high heeled shoes and a tight black dress.
}
} I wasn't going to get paid for this one.
}
} Reluctantly, I went to retrieve the slip of paper.  It was the wrapper
} from a stick of Big Red, the favored chewing gum of R.O.U.S. (Rodents
} Of Unusual Size).  Unfolding it, I deciphered the inelegant scrawl:
}
} > Hey, hey, bye, bye
} > The Oracle will never die
} > Don't mention woodchucks, or you will fry
} > Hey, hey, bye, bye
}
} A death threat!  To state that the Oracle would never die, but to then
} encapsulate it with "Bye, bye" merely begs the question: When would I
} die?  The answer was also in the message: If I mentioned woodchucks.
} The plot was becoming clear.  Crazy Marvin (the giant woodchuck) and
} his gang of R.O.U.S. were back in town, and they wanted me to stay mum.
}  If I didn't, they'd off me.  This was just their friendly way of
} letting me know.  The brunette had been Marvin's squeeze, Matilda.  At
} least if he hadn't chucked her for a new one by this time.
}
} There was one thing they didn't have to worry about.  The pigs would
} not get word one out of me.  It is not that I am adverse to answering
} questions, but pigs just don't know how to grovel.  You would think
} that they would be great at it, spending all that time rooting about in
} the mud like they do, but they get huffy about stereotyping, and refuse
} to do it when even the most token grovel is called for.
}
} Where was I?  Yeah, Crazy Marvin and his band of R.O.U.S. I'd had
} dealings with them before.  While I wouldn't go squealing to the pigs,
} I also couldn't let them go about their nasty business unopposed.  The
} question was, where would a crazy woodchuck and his gang go about their
} nefarious business?  I had a hunch.
}
} (cut to scene of a snow-covered lumber yard, at night.  It's a cold
} night in February, remember?)
}
} Following the sound of lumber dropping on a metal surface, I looked
} around the pile of uncut logs.  Marvin's gang were handing him two by
} fours, and he was throwing them into a rusted pickup that they had
} parked on the other side of a chain link fence.  I began to count.
} When Marvin was finished, I had counted forty two by fours chucked into
} the pickup.  Plus the two I had heard land before my arrival, I had the
} answer.  A crazy giant woodchuck, assisted by a gang of R.O.U.S., on a
} cold, dark night in February, would chuck forty-two two by fours into
} the back of a pickup truck on the other side of a chain link fence, if
} he could.  Armed with this knowledge, I made my move.
}
} "Give it up, Marvin.  The games over," I said, stepping into the open.
}
} They all turned towards me, trying to conceal their terror with
} bluster.  Marvin spoke up.  "Well if it isn't Mr. I. Oracle, out
} minding other people's business.  I thought we told you to stay out of
} this." The gang gathered around me, menacingly.  Mickey, the giant rat,
} began to take off his lily-white gloves.  It was well known that he
} always takes off his gloves before he does you; that's why they're
} still white.  Marvin went on, "What made you think you could take on
} the whole R.O.U.S. gang?  I always pegged you as the prudent,
} omniscient type. Yet as I count it, there is one of you, and six of us.
}  What is to stop us from turning you into Oracle salad, an no one being
} any the wiser?" (In fact, there were seven of them, but Marvin had
} never been known for his higher math skills.  Higher than three, that
} is.)
}
} "Just one thing," I responded nonchalantly.  "You see, I've been
} watching you for a while now, so now I know the answer to the woodchuck
} question.  If you do me, I'll see that all my incarnations go and answer
} that backlog of woodchuck questions we have sitting on the 'ZOT' pile.
} You will be through, Marvin.  Over.  Out of the wood chucking business
} once and for all.  I mean, really, forty-two?  You will be a laughing
} stock among rodentia everywhere."
}
} As I spoke, Marvin's furry face grew paler and paler.  "What do you
} want me ta do?" he begged.
}
} "Put the wood back and get outta town.  I never want to see our furry
} snout around here again."
}
} That was it.  A few word from Marvin, and the whole gang was unchucking
} those two by fours faster than you could say "marmot."  Matilda tried
} to give me the eye.  I guess after a night like that, she wanted to
} chuck Marvin, and who could blame her?  But she wasn't my species, so I
} pretended not to notice.  Ten minutes later, they were long gone, and
} all I had to worry about was how I was going to pay the rent and how to
} get the snow out of my boots.  But my mood had changed, and I figured
} that my dame, Lisa, would have some thoughts about the latter problem,
} so I headed to her place.
} ----
}
} You owe the Oracle an excuse for his landlord.


988-07    (cuzh0 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where in the www can I find music lyrics and chords to songs by "The
> Band"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Sigh) I guess you haven't heard, have you?
}
} Capital Records has bought out the Internet and will soon be converting
} it to a "music-on-demand" delivery system. Users will be charged a
} monthly access fee and pay an additional charge for each song
} requested.
}
} Needless to say, the National Endowment for the Arts will become a
} primary source of public money to expand the 'Net, leaving the National
} Science Foundation and DARPA with a surplus of funds which will
} promptly be embezzled.
}
} Because of the NEA's tendency to supports arts that are so disgusting
} that they would never survive in a public marketplace, Capital will be
} required to transmit an un-requested (for good reason) song along with
} any paid request. This will drive away so many users that the Internet
} will cease to be a profitable avenue for advertising. (Here's a glimpse
} from the future: you get a junk e-mail offering to sell you "the entire
} Internet e-mail database - all 37 users and aliases - for a song!")
}
} The flip side (for those old enough to remember when music disks had
} flip sides) is that 37 (actually 32, wiht aliases) users will have
} access to the phenominal bandwidth of the Internet. These people (who
} are all hearing-imparied and not offended by the NEA-mandated music)
} will become the "inner circle" that will eventually rule the world.
}
} But I digress. Because of Capital's involvement, the posting of any
} artistic work that is copyrighted (or may be copyrighted) will be
} punished by sending the poster -two- NEA songs for the price of one.
} Your favorite lyric and music databases will vanish in a heartbeat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Victrola and a 78 of "The Darktown Poker Club."


988-08    (4cmuq dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do i get happy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Start with a long, hot shower.  Take your time;  relax.  Get so
} clean you feel reborn.
}       Find a hot tub and fill it.  Take a good, long bath (this is
} purely for pleasure -- you should be clean already).  Make good use of
} the whirlpool jets.
}       Get dressed in your favorite, most comfortable clothes and go for
} a walk somewhere nice.  Take yourself out to dinner somewhere you've
} always wanted to go.
}       By now you should be feeling pretty good;  now it's time to start
} making lasting changes.  Get rid of your TV.  Quit your job and go back
} to school.  Build a new life for yourself, doing what you always wanted
} to do instead of what you've always had to do.  Spend time with people
} you like. Talk to them.  You will make friends, and may find a mate.
}       Now go down to your local gun shop and buy a 12-gauge shotgun and
} many, many boxes of shells.  Make sure the shotgun is the repeating
} kind. Get a gun license (you may have to do this before you buy the
} gun), and membership in the NRA and your local gun club.  Go down to
} the target range and practice regularly until you are completely
} confident in your ability to hit a target the size of a human head at
} 50 meters.
}       Next, head for the Enchanted Forest.  Make sure it's in the
} daytime, since you'll have a lot of wandering to do and you don't want
} to be out at night.  Wander until you encounter a mine with a lot of
} singing coming from inside.  Remember to blaze a trail on the way --
} use reflective tape, and carry a flashlight.  Once you've found the
} mine, settle down within range of the entrace and wait.  Lurk until the
} dwarfs come out.  Your target is the grinning one.
}       Make sure to get in a head shot;  those dwarfs are pretty tough.
} The others have to go, too, since they're witnesses.  Once you've taken
} them all out, get out of the Forest quickly -- night is coming.  Find a
} deep river with a swift current, and ditch the shotgun and any leftover
} ammo.  Go home, and relax as above with the satsifaction of a job well
} done.
}
}       You owe the Oracle an alibi.


988-09    (9gsqf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, what is the clap of one hand sounding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got the clap on one hand?
}
} Son, you need to find a girlfriend.  Seriously.  You're going to go
} blind if you keep that up.
}
} But to answer your question, most such ailments are fairly silent.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to visit a free clinic.


988-10    (7hEo6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle ...
>
> Who's biology knowledge is greater then all biologists put together ..
> (no wonder if you have made it all up your self I guess)
> Who's understanding of the principles of evolution is unsurpassed in
> this universe ...
> (no wonder if you are the ultimate example of evolution)
> Who's questions are always to the point ......
> (no wonder if you come up with the answers your self .... does he ??)
>
> Please Oracle .. can you shed your light on this thought ...
>
> Mosquito's are generally regarded as irritating creatures....
> We use news papers/magazine etc .. to try to kill them when they
> are buzzing around our head ....
> Only the fastest mosquito's can get away from this almost certain dead.
>
> Now I was wondering ... only fast mosquito's can survive our killing
> and therefor
> can reproduce them selves ... by mating with an other mosquito who
> survived us.
> The result is a faster mosquito that are harder to kill ...
> By natural selection we are only left with a ever increasingly faster
> breed of mosquito's.
>
> Does this mean .. that at a certain time in the future .. the mosquito
> has evolved to
> the fastest flying insect in the world .. and making our lives on this
> planet impossible...
>
> I hopeful anticipation of your excellent answer ... (if the mosquito's
> don't evolve faster)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got the right idea, supplicant, but I'm afraid you're
} approaching it from the wrong angle.
}
} Mosquitoes are not getting faster.  Humans are getting slower.  With
} your sedentary lifestyles, access to hundreds of channels of television
} programming, fast foods, desk-bound jobs, and no reason to change these
} vices in your lives, you are getting more and more pathetic as time
} goes on.
}
} Soon, slugs will be nesting in your filty bellybuttons.  Snails will
} have drag races along the length of your outstretched remote-control-
} holding hands.  Generations of ticks will live, breed, and die in your
} hair.  And the mosquitoes...  well, mosquitoes will feed lazily upon
} your weak, slow moving bodies until they rise to become the dominant
} lifeform on Earth.
}
} And cable will be waiting for them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of DEET.  And a glass.


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