[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:22:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #99

Goto:
99, 99-01, 99-02, 99-03, 99-04, 99-05, 99-06, 99-07, 99-08, 99-09, 99-10


Usenet Oracularities #99
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 12 Jan 90 17:56:32 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


99-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't a reasonably intelligent graduate student like me fill out a
> simple estimated tax form?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grad school doesn't teach you how to lie well enough for you to be able
} to fill out a tax form.  That comes later when you start working in your
} job.  You should be able to embezzle a couple thousand dollars from
} behind your boss' back, since you are reasonably intelligent.  You
} should learn much about lying and stealing from that.  Then you must get
} married, if you're not already.  But if you aren't married, you don't
} understand the damping effect of a wife on your life.  Eventually you
} lose your sense of ethics and start lying to her so she won't know
} exactly everything you do.  Believe me, it gets buggy after a while.
} Only then will you be able to fill out a tax form.  Lying with your soul
} in it is a skill that cannot be taught; it must be experienced.
}
} Actually, until I graduated from college, I never reported my income...
} the IRS is overworked, you're still listed as a dependent on your
} parents' tax forms (have your parents help!  They'll probably enjoy
} it...) and the jobs you hold are usually small.  I worked on a
} construction site.  Since the government only has resources to audit
} about 1% of the forms, they have almost no resources for finding you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the hell the following lyrics
} are talking about.
}
} I'm wheelin', I'm dealing, I'm drinkin', not thinkin'
} Never cower, never shower, and I'm always stinkin'
} Yo ho ho and a bottle of Brass Monkey
} And when my girlie shakes her head, she sure gets funky
} Skirt chasin', pretty facin', killin' every villain
} We drink and rob and rob and pillage
} Most stealinest people, I got that feelin'
} I am most ill, and I'm rhymin' and stealin.
}
} (This has been bothering me for a long time.)
}
} THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE COMMITTEE OF IRRESPONSIBLE
} PEOPLE, PAID FOR BY A GRANT FROM THE NET THAT SENDS OUR MESSAGES
} THROUGHOUT THE CIVILIZED WORLD AND INCURS COSTS OF HUNDREDS AND
} THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.


99-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't you answer this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because of all the fish in the atmosphere.


99-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a problem.
>
> When the butter knife and I disagree about Soviet Socialist policies, I
> find that magnetic north sweeps damning allegations under the
> metaphorical rug.  Abercrombe is ne'er to be seen, for that matter, and
> the roach patrol loses faith in the docrtine of papal infallibility.
> But then!  What?  Oh, the dental floss regards Puccini as a place where
> animals con convene and govern fettucini without fear of reprisal by
> various forces in the atomic nucleus.  I get so lonely.  But then, hey,
> who is the salad to talk?
>
> Do you see what I mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      I see exactly what you mean.  And if you continue at this rate you
} will soon stumble upon all the big truths and of course the biggest one.
} When the bushmen found the answer they had to pay a heavy price (appear
} in National Geographic for young men to play with themselves) and when
} the race chickens found it THE FORCE punished them by putting their
} pecker on their face.  You might want to give up this dangerous course
} for salvation and adopt a simpler approach by sending me all your money.


99-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Batman Dicing with Death?  Will Robin get Chopped like a Chicken?
> Is this really the end of our two heroes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WOK! WOK! WOK!
} Spare me your panfried platitudes and perish in peace you palatable
} packages of protein! Presently you and your pesky protogee will be
} properly prepared and plated as a perfect rePast for my pregnant pet,
} Pulpo the prehistoric octoPus!
} WOK! WOK! WOK! WOK!


99-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Boy meets Girl (in a cute way).  Boy gets Girl.  Boy loses Girl.
>       Boy gets Girl back.  Car chase.  Happy ending.
>
>                                  or
>
>       Rambo get gun.  Rambo find enemy.  Rambo lose gun.  Rambo get
>       captured.  Rambo escape, save world with new gun.  Rambo take
>       elocution lessons.
>
>
>       Is this REALLY all movies can offer us?  Or is there as yet
>       untapped potential in the cinematic art form?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its just like football.  The same bunch of guys, with the same kind of
} dresses keep running after the same kind of ball.
}
} Its just like new years, the same kind of days, the same kind of parties
} the day before, and the same kind of torturous greetings the next day.
} Year after year, ear after ear.
}
} Its just like money, the same green, the same 6 inches, the same 3.15
} inches, the same paper.  Again and again.  Yet we want more.
}
} It just like quarters.  The same alloy, the same getting out of the
} change machine, and putting back into the vending machine, day after
} day, for date after date, candy after candy.
}
} Its just like semesters, the same tests, the same papers, the same
} articles, the same algorithms, the same complexity, the same lisp.  Just
} minor variations.
}
} Its just like questions to the oracle, the same Lisa, the same sex, the
} same hang-ups and hang-downs.
}
} Hey no wait a minute - you've asked a different question.  How come ?
} Hey Preservers of the Oracle - theres a smart guy down there ..  track
} him down, and enroll him into the ranks !!  Hi, do you hear me ?  Join
} the band, and save the oracle.
}
} The Oracle demands one sensible movie.  Please make it entirely in ASCII
} pictures, so it can be distributed on rec.movies, and by anonymous ftp
} from movies.hollywood.com.  Colourised editions will be made available
} in clari.features.movies for a small charge.  Of course, you will get
} 10% royalties for the movie from the proceeds of the USENET and ftp
} distribution, which will gross $00000.00 at least.  The colourised
} version will be pirated.  Thats why they colourise it.


99-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I getting %%UNDELIVERABLE MAIL%% messages from a looping error
> message on the NSP philosophers list?  It's another burden that
> philosophers must carry?  We were having a nice discussion before it
> happened...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to be very careful when exposing computers to philosophy.
} Well, actually, it depends on the philosophy.  Some things work OK.
} Social contracts, for example, they understand:  "You give us netnews,
} we give you electricity, everyone happy" works pretty well.  Platonic
} ideals they can deal with too -- they like to think about perfectly
} spherical computers/networks which got cut in half by The Sysop, and
} they kind of think of themselves as being in the cave and getting
} shadows of stuff as it flashes by on Usenet anyways.
}
} But you had to go and discuss Nietzche.  Not a wise move, sir
} Philosopher....
}
} You owe the Oracle a better translation of Kant's Reasonably Pure
} Critique.


99-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle...Please tell me why internet is so screwey today!
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some time late last night a guy called Hack Tim
} With a Mac like a knife and a face dark and grim,
} Broke into one nodes and toggled one bit
} And that's why the internet service is shit.


99-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If it's called Tuesday, why isn't the one *before* it called Onesday
> instead of the one *after* it being called Wednesday?  And why is the
> one after that called Thursday, as a sort of combination of Foursday and
> Threesday?  Just what the heck is going on here with them screwing up
> the names of the days like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually Monday is the prefix mono- adjusted to fit the overall scheme
} of the Julian calendar.  As for Wednesday, a newlywed couple implies a
} newly conceived child Thus the 3.  As for Thursday, Caesar slurred most
} of his 'f' sounds.  Friday, is traditional the day upon which to burn 5
} Catholics at the stake (this is a weekend thing, other days, it is left
} to the gladiators and lions to rid the world of those rebels).
} Saturday, was the result of Friday festivities.  Sunday, it is rumored
} is a mess that is just an attempt to pay just tribute to weathermen
} across the world.  (Of course it is rarely sunny on this day, and thus
} the tribute.) But, as for where the term yesterday came from, I don't
} know, but it's probably responsible for the noise in the middle of this
} letter


99-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the city with the highest average rainfall since 2000 B.C.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Atlantis.


99-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any way to regain my virginity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! Simply reverse the process until it returns. If not ... well then
} who the hell cares :-).


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org