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Internet Oracularities #990

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Internet Oracularities #990    (83 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 12:34:06 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   990
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

990   83 votes 5djrj acyj8 7uz92 brua5 48pvf koek5 6bjql 0hAka 4dwmc 4fBn4
990   3.1 mean  3.5   3.0   2.6   2.7   3.5   2.6   3.5   3.3   3.3   3.1


990-01    (5djrj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that this
> so-called 'Internet Oracle' is guilty. Guilty! I tell you ladies and
> gentlemen of the jury. Is this the kind of immortal being that you
> would like answering questions from your sons and daughters. Don't
> tell me the answer, I know the answer. It's 'no'. And to make sure
> that we prevent this .... this ..... blasphemy, there is only one
> thing that we can do ladies and gentlemen of the jury. And that is
> to find this 'Internet Oracle' GUILTY AS CHARGED.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Honor, before I begin my closing remarks, I must congratulate my
} worthy adversary, the Prosecutor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,
} believe me when I tell you that you have been treated to a most
} extraordinary performance on the part of the Prosecutor throughout the
} course of this trial.  Indeed, it was a rare performance, a performance
} of such a quality that has not been seen within the halls of
} jurisprudence, lo, these many years!
}
} For never in my rather extensive lifetime have I ever been privileged
} to witness such an incredible number of distortions, misstatements, and
} outright lies masquerading as the unvarnished truth.
}
} It really has been quite entertaining.  I hope you've enjoyed it as
} much as I.
}
} But I digress.
}
} The Prosecutor would have you believe that I am unfit to be "The
} Internet Oracle".  He would like you to believe that my character is so
} debauched and depraved that the people of the world are at risk of
} losing their moral fiber.
}
} Let us recall his rationale for this assertion: my alleged abusive
} treatment of the Oracular Priesthood, particularly Zadoc; the
} allegation that Lisa is living with me in an unlawful relationship; the
} unwarranted accusation of cruelty to animals, particularly woodchucks;
} and finally, the Prosecutor's assertion that the nature of payments
} requested in return for my services are themselves sufficient evidence
} of my moral bankruptcy.
}
} May I remind you that I do not seek supplicants?  I would be quite
} happy if the Prosecutor could convince a mere one tenth of a percent of
} those who come to me for guidance to seek answers elsewhere.  I could
} use the break! But as an immortal being, it is incumbent upon me to
} offer what aid I can to those who seek it.
}
} But seek me they do.
}
} Yes, I ask for items both rare and strange as payment for my services.
} If I did not, I can assure you that the number of those who seek my
} wisdom would rise higher still. But the foremost reason for the nature
} of my payment requests is the benefit of the supplicants themselves.
}
} Yes, I said benefit!
}
} For if I did not request something difficult to obtain, the supplicant
} would feel that they were somehow cheated, that I did not devote my
} full attention to their predicament, that they wasted their time in
} seeking an answer in the first place. After all, if free advice is
} worth exactly what you pay for it, then expensive advice must also be
} worth what you pay for it. Having received a difficult task in exchange
} for the answer, they value that answer all the more.
}
} As to the charges of animal cruelty, may I remind the jury that the
} Prosecutor has been unable to provide one single shred of physical
} evidence that any animal--including woodchucks--was ever neglected or
} abused in any way by myself or my staff. Yet he infers that this must
} be so because he has seen correspondence in which I supposedly confess
} desires to do, and admit having done, such things. But if he had been
} as thorough in reviewing the correspondence of my admirers, he would
} have discovered that the woodchuck abuse is nothing more than a running
} gag, an inside joke between myself, my priests, and my more frequent
} supplicants.
}
} But then, perhaps he believes that the slapstick violence of the Three
} Stooges is real, as well.
}
} I have stipulated that Lisa does indeed live on the Oracular estate.
} But I have produced proof in the form of architectural drawings and
} video footage that Lisa has her own suite in a separate wing from my
} own living quarters. As to the nature of our romantic relationship, I
} will again stipulate that we are dating--because I am still grieving
} over the end of my last intimate relationship. Lisa understands this
} and is patiently waiting for me--and has testified to this.
}
} With respect to my treatment of Zadoc and the priests, I will simply
} say again that what happens between consenting adults in the privacy of
} their homes is their business and theirs alone.  I'm sure you've heard
} of people who receive gratification from submission--it's actually
} quite common.  I cannot share the names, because I will not violate the
} confidence entrusted to me, but I can tell you that there is a far
} greater number of people clamoring to become an Oracular priest than
} are in the existing priesthood. I simply fill their need--it is my duty
} as an immortal omniscient being. I'm quite certain that each of you has
} tastes and desires that you're afraid others would label as perverted,
} as does the Prosecutor himself--but again, I will not abuse my power by
} divulging that information.
}
} The simple fact of the length of Zadoc's tenure should be sufficient to
} assure you that he is not abused beyond the depth of his desire.
}
} As has been said many times in the course of this trial, I am immortal
} and omniscient. By natural right, I am not beholden to this court. Yet,
} does not the very fact that I agreed to this trial demonstrate my
} humility?
}
} No, my friends, the real heart of the issue is that the Prosecutor
} wants to dictate what you and your children can and cannot do. I quote:
}
} > Is this the kind of immortal being that you would like answering
} > questions from your sons and daughters. Don't tell me the answer, I
} > know the answer. It's 'no'.
}
} Witness the arrogance implicit in his closing argument: *he* knows the
} answer!
}
} Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, who is better qualified to know the
} answers: an omniscient, immortal being who possesses the wisdom of the
} ages? Or a mortal of limited intelligence who pretends to know the
} thoughts and desires of others even though he cannot bear to
} contemplate his own?
}
} There can be but one verdict.  I know, because I *am* the Internet
} Oracle.
}
} And so I thank you for finding me not guilty.
}
} Case dismissed.
}
} You owe the Oracle damages in the amount of $25,000,000 plus costs.


990-02    (acyj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 42, Ha!  Watch your back, Oracle!
> _____________________________________________________________________
> > You don't need to buy Internet access to chuck free Internet e-wood.
> > Get completely free e-wood from Chuckno at http://www.chuckno.com
> > Or call Chuckno at (800) WUD-CHUK

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I'm an Oracle--I don't need to watch my back, I know what's going
} to happen. As a matter of fact, I know exactly what's going to happen
} to you tomorrow afternoon at 2:36. However, you didn't ask me about
} that.
}
} You owe the Oracle...oh, never mind. You don't have enough time to do
} any shopping anyway.
} _____________________________________________________________________
}  You don't need to buy Internet access to get free e-zots.
}  Get completely free e-zots from The Oracle at http://www.oracle.zot
}  Or call The Oracle at (800) GET ZOTS and say "Chuckno sent me". Offer
}  void where prohibited by law. Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. If rash
}  develops, discontinue use.


990-03    (7uz92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <bow> <scrape> <grovel>
>
> Oracle, your niftyness,
>
> So now my advisor wants a publishable result in time for the ICAP
> meeting in august.  Is it possible?  Will I really have to work 24
> hours a day until then?  And is there any chance he'll give me a PhD
> if I make it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course it is possible!  Anything is possible!
}
} For example, it is also possible that your advisor will get hit and
} killed by a falling meteor on the way home tonight.  But, it neither is
} very likely.
}
} Not to mention that if you stayed up the 22 hours a day my calculations
} indicate would be necessary for you to complete the task, you would be
} on some sort of wacked-out sleep depravation trip that would make LSD
} trips look tame.  Actually, in this state of mind the fact that you had
} received your Ph.D. would be inconsequential to you.  The fact that
} there are big bugs running around the campus would be much more
} exciting and thrilling.
}
} I am certain that what is important to you is to do a good job, not a
} rushed one.  You will be ready for your Ph.D. when you can take the
} orange from my hand, grasshopper.  Not before.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation.


990-04    (brua5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have sinned against Zeus and I am in desparate need of forgiveness.
> I pray the Oracle will provide me an answer that will appease The Great
> One (and keep him from taking off with one of my daugters).
>
> I erroneously allowed my five-year-old son to use my high-end,
> 3d-accellerated bitchin' game machine for his game of Putt-Putt Goes to
> the Moon.  Somehow, my son managed to disable AutoPlay and now none of
> my kick-ass game CDs will play automatically.  I find that I have to
> run the start program on the CD, and this has become annoying (yet more
> proof that Zeus is vexing me).
>
> Pray, how do I re-activate AutoPlay in Windows 95?  Of course, Bill
> Gates & Co. cannot seem to answer my question, so I must turn to this
> higher source.
>
> Your prompt response will be greatly appriciated.
>
> Your Humble Servant.
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It sounds like he's got some butter or something in the works -- this
} can grease the rollers and prevent the drive from spinning the CD
} properly.  This causes data skipping and so the autorun program
} terminates without accessing the CD's Startup files.
} Starting the CD manually, as you have been doing, tells it to ignore
} all data losses -- have you noticed any problems with the games?  I bet
} that if you check carefully, most of the secret levels will be
} inaccessible (for some reasons these files are most error-prone)
}
} To rectify the problem, you can either drop the computer in hot water,
} or alternatively sandpaper your CDs.  The former melts the butter out
} of the drive, while the latter allows the pickup rollers to grasp the
} CD more effectively.  Some people report success by spreading Vegemite
} on the CD -- this also makes the CD stickier, but is reversible should
} you ever manage to get the butter out of the drive.


990-05    (48pvf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ross Clement <clemenr@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most splendiferous, in whose eyes I am little more than a
> blanched peanut, please tell me, why is it that the only time I ever
> get phone calls is when I'm doing something interesting and would
> prefer not to be disturbed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh...baby. Yeah! That's it! Do it again! You know you love it! Take
} it all! Take it all! You...
}
} Uh. Oh, hi, supplicant. Busy? Perish the thought. I was just...reading.
}
} In answer to your question, you only recieve phone calls when you'd
} rather not be disturbed for the same reason that...
}
} *RING*
}
} Hello? Hello, dear. Yeah. I know. No. I know. I know. No. I am not
} arguing that with you. I am telling you that... No. I know. I KNOW. I
} am not arguing that with you. I know. Yeah. Whatever.
}
} *CLICK*
}
} Sorry, supplicant. As I was saying, the phone only rings when you're
} busy for the same reason that...
}
} *RING*
}
} Hello? Hey, Og. Yeah? What about him? Listen, Og, Or-acle busy right
} now. Or-acle call Og later. What? Yes, yes, hit with spiky club. Smart
} Og.
}
} *CLICK*
}
} It's like Grand Central Station here. Anyway, the phone always rings
} when you've got better things to do because of an insidious universal
} principle, know in philosophical circles as Funsterman's Axiom, which
} states that...
}
} *RING*
}
} Hello? Dammit, fatboy, I'm gonna reduce you to a hunka hunka burning
} PROTOPLASM if you don't stop calling me when you're drunk.
}
} *CLICK*
}
} Sorry. Anyway, where was I? Oh year, Funsterman's Axiom, which states
} that any technical advance in the area of communication causes
} interruptions at a rate directly proportional to its ubiquity and
} inversely proportional to the Mean Boredom Level (MBL) of the potential
} interruptee. The implications of this are, of course...
}
} *RING*
} Oracle's Pager: *BEEP BEEP BEEP*
} Smarmy AOL Voice: "You've Got Mail!"
} Zadoc: Mail Call, oh Most Exalted One Whose Every Speck Of Navel Lint
} Is More Treasured Than A Pearl Of Great Price. Where should I have the
} native bearers start dumping the bags?
} Landshark: Candygram.
} Avon Lady: Avon Calling!
} Two Guys in White Shirts with Bicycle Helmets: Have you heard of the
} Book of Mormon?
}
} Aaargh! Listen supplicant, can I call you back? You've reached me at a
} really inconvenient time.
}
} You owe the oracle some "reading material."


990-06    (koek5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any connection to Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was, but it was cut just after he was born.


990-07    (6bjql dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh hideous[1] Oracle, who is hung like a horse[2], whose infatuous[3]
> companion Lisa is the envy of all men[4], why do I always[5] feel
> compelled to add footnotes[6] to whatever I write[7]?
>
> [1]  hideous (adj.) - like a hide, i.e. skinny.  From this we infer that
> the Oracle is thought to be beautiful by current Western standards.
>
> [2]  Well, OK, a 3 foot tall miniature pony.  But it's still technically
> a horse.
>
> [3]  infatuous (adj.) - without fat.  See hideous.
>
> [4]  Yes, I know, there are some who prefer other men.  But then there
> are some women who'd envy Lisa, so it balances out in the end.
>
> [5]  Well, almost always[8].
>
> [6]  I think that's what these things are called.  I expect if they were
> to the side of the text, rather than beneath it, they'd be annotations.
>
> [7]  Also to whatever I say, and this tends to confuse many people.
>
> [8]  Did you catch the subtle reference to Gilbert[9] & Sullivan[10]?
>
> [9]  Sir W. S.
>
> [10] Sir Arthur[11].
>
> [11] No relation to the King[12].
>
> [12] A different Arthur.  Probably[13] a Celtic heathen.
>
> [13] It was the Dark Ages, so we'll never[14] be sure.
>
> [14] Unless we ask the Oracle, of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ritalin [1] can help you keep from jumping from subject to subject
} [2].  And make it easier for you to talk to other people. [3]
}
} [1]  Made by Ciba Geigy
}
} [2]  You need to talk to your Doctor [4] about getting a prescription
} [5].
}
} [3]  Unless they don't like you.
}
} [4]  The Medical kind. [6]
}
} [5]  Also known as a "script" [7]
}
} [6]  I suppose you could talk to a person with a doctorate in math,
} but he [8] won't be able to get you a prescription.[9]
}
} [7]  Not to be confused with the kind used in plays and such.
}
} [8]  "He" was used as a gender neutral pronoun. [10]
}
} [9]  Unless he [11] has stolen a pad from a Medical Doctor.
}
} [10]  I just don't want any one to think I'm sexist.
}
} [11]  See [8] [12]
}
} [12]  You owe the Oracle a road map of the above footnotes.


990-08    (0hAka dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who can deduce the existance of a sub-atomic
> particle at a glance, please tell me...
>
> My snowblower has been broken for a week. Every time I fix it,
> something else breaks down. I have about 18 inches of snow I have
> to clear from my driveway and I can't afford to hire someone with a
> snowplow on their pickup truck to come dig me out.
>
> How do I get rid of all that snow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you tried a flame-thrower?  That'll melt it right down, and the
} cheery glow will be like an open invitation to your neighbors.  You can
} all stand around the flame-thrower, singing songs and vaporizing hot
} dogs while you slag your driveway.
}
} Too extreme?  Here's what you do - get about 100 lbs of sugar and
} several gallons of food coloring.  Tell the kids in your neighborhood
} that you've got the world's largest slushee, and it's free!  All that
} sugar will give them plenty of energy to keep slurping, and soon
} you'll have a snow-free driveway and a battalion of ten-year olds
} wired to the gills on sugar (just what you always wanted).
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of snow tires.


990-09    (4dwmc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how many kinds of diarrhea are there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three - Electronic, Verbal and Physical.
}
} Electronic looks like:
} "Earn $50,000 working at home!!!"
} "Live 1-on-1 Nude Girls!!!!"
} "Revolutionary New Product!!!"
}
} As for verbal, well... Zadoc!
}
} "You called, O He Whose Breath is Sweeter Than The Fabled Unicorn,
} Whose Every Word Contains More Wisdom Than All The Religious Texts
} Ever Written, Whose Radiance Outshines The Dawn, Whose Toes Are
} Deliciously Adorable, Whose - "
}
} That'll do, Zadoc.
}
} "But what did you... Ummm... Yes, O Majestic One, To Whom All Must
} Bow, Before Whom Even The Mystic LLamas Of- "
}
} ENOUGH! OUT, OUT!!
}
} Ahem. What was the third one again? Oh yes, Physical. Go to Joe's
} Truck Stop just off the Interstate and ask for an Extra-Spicy
} Mystery Meat Burrito Surprise. You'll find out everything you need
} to know about the Physical sort.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for the first two.


990-10    (4fBn4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, the face that launched a million ships, who makes Fabio
> look like Danny De Vito, stronger than Arnie, more graceful than,
> than... well, more graceful than someone who's really graceful.
>
> Anyway, I need your advice, Orrie (can I call you that?)
>
> A lot of girls have said to me, "You'll make someone a really good
> husband some day." As I appear to be having about as much luck with
> the girls as your illustrious president (probably less -- at least
> he seems to have gotten somewhere ^H^H with a couple of them), I can
> only surmise that this is in fact some form of subtle feminine insult.
>
> What's the story here? And can you recommend a good
> computer-nerd-gets-the-girl movie I can take the next interesting
> girl who happens by along to?
>
> Thanks a million!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Mr Frankenstein, you will make someone a very good husband
} some day, but you have to get your doctorate and buy an old castle
} first.
}
} But seriously if the 'Computer Nerd' image is causing you problems,
} then all you have to do is pretend to be something more ... exciting.
} Go, supplicant, get thee to a charity shop and buy thyself some
} designer clothes (an Armani suit should do the trick). Buy a flash
} suitcase, and chain it to your wrist. Never open it and refuse to say
} what's in it.  Carry a mobile phone and have friends call you on it.
} Respond in invented foreign languages. Don't explain what it is that
} you're up to. Become moody and uncommunicative every five minutes, even
} if you're alone. Carry icing sugar and snort a line every five seconds.
} Pretend to be gay by stroking your male friends lightly on the arms
} and picking lint off their clothes.  In other words, pretend to be the
} man that no sane or intelligent woman would have anything to do with.
} Women will come flocking.
}
} Not many 'computer-nerd-gets-the-girl' movies around, but check out
} the lyrics to Young MC's 'That's the way love goes'.
}
} You owe The Oracle a copy of the new self help book 'How to Make Any
} Man Feel Completely Inadequate'.


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