} Your Honor, before I begin my closing remarks, I must congratulate my
} worthy adversary, the Prosecutor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,
} believe me when I tell you that you have been treated to a most
} extraordinary performance on the part of the Prosecutor throughout the
} course of this trial. Indeed, it was a rare performance, a performance
} of such a quality that has not been seen within the halls of
} jurisprudence, lo, these many years!
} For never in my rather extensive lifetime have I ever been privileged
} to witness such an incredible number of distortions, misstatements, and
} outright lies masquerading as the unvarnished truth.
} It really has been quite entertaining. I hope you've enjoyed it as
} much as I.
} But I digress.
} The Prosecutor would have you believe that I am unfit to be "The
} Internet Oracle". He would like you to believe that my character is so
} debauched and depraved that the people of the world are at risk of
} losing their moral fiber.
} Let us recall his rationale for this assertion: my alleged abusive
} treatment of the Oracular Priesthood, particularly Zadoc; the
} allegation that Lisa is living with me in an unlawful relationship; the
} unwarranted accusation of cruelty to animals, particularly woodchucks;
} and finally, the Prosecutor's assertion that the nature of payments
} requested in return for my services are themselves sufficient evidence
} of my moral bankruptcy.
} May I remind you that I do not seek supplicants? I would be quite
} happy if the Prosecutor could convince a mere one tenth of a percent of
} those who come to me for guidance to seek answers elsewhere. I could
} use the break! But as an immortal being, it is incumbent upon me to
} offer what aid I can to those who seek it.
} But seek me they do.
} Yes, I ask for items both rare and strange as payment for my services.
} If I did not, I can assure you that the number of those who seek my
} wisdom would rise higher still. But the foremost reason for the nature
} of my payment requests is the benefit of the supplicants themselves.
} Yes, I said benefit!
} For if I did not request something difficult to obtain, the supplicant
} would feel that they were somehow cheated, that I did not devote my
} full attention to their predicament, that they wasted their time in
} seeking an answer in the first place. After all, if free advice is
} worth exactly what you pay for it, then expensive advice must also be
} worth what you pay for it. Having received a difficult task in exchange
} for the answer, they value that answer all the more.
} As to the charges of animal cruelty, may I remind the jury that the
} Prosecutor has been unable to provide one single shred of physical
} evidence that any animal--including woodchucks--was ever neglected or
} abused in any way by myself or my staff. Yet he infers that this must
} be so because he has seen correspondence in which I supposedly confess
} desires to do, and admit having done, such things. But if he had been
} as thorough in reviewing the correspondence of my admirers, he would
} have discovered that the woodchuck abuse is nothing more than a running
} gag, an inside joke between myself, my priests, and my more frequent
} But then, perhaps he believes that the slapstick violence of the Three
} Stooges is real, as well.
} I have stipulated that Lisa does indeed live on the Oracular estate.
} But I have produced proof in the form of architectural drawings and
} video footage that Lisa has her own suite in a separate wing from my
} own living quarters. As to the nature of our romantic relationship, I
} will again stipulate that we are dating--because I am still grieving
} over the end of my last intimate relationship. Lisa understands this
} and is patiently waiting for me--and has testified to this.
} With respect to my treatment of Zadoc and the priests, I will simply
} say again that what happens between consenting adults in the privacy of
} their homes is their business and theirs alone. I'm sure you've heard
} of people who receive gratification from submission--it's actually
} quite common. I cannot share the names, because I will not violate the
} confidence entrusted to me, but I can tell you that there is a far
} greater number of people clamoring to become an Oracular priest than
} are in the existing priesthood. I simply fill their need--it is my duty
} as an immortal omniscient being. I'm quite certain that each of you has
} tastes and desires that you're afraid others would label as perverted,
} as does the Prosecutor himself--but again, I will not abuse my power by
} divulging that information.
} The simple fact of the length of Zadoc's tenure should be sufficient to
} assure you that he is not abused beyond the depth of his desire.
} As has been said many times in the course of this trial, I am immortal
} and omniscient. By natural right, I am not beholden to this court. Yet,
} does not the very fact that I agreed to this trial demonstrate my
} No, my friends, the real heart of the issue is that the Prosecutor
} wants to dictate what you and your children can and cannot do. I quote:
} > Is this the kind of immortal being that you would like answering
} > questions from your sons and daughters. Don't tell me the answer, I
} > know the answer. It's 'no'.
} Witness the arrogance implicit in his closing argument: *he* knows the
} Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, who is better qualified to know the
} answers: an omniscient, immortal being who possesses the wisdom of the
} ages? Or a mortal of limited intelligence who pretends to know the
} thoughts and desires of others even though he cannot bear to
} contemplate his own?
} There can be but one verdict. I know, because I *am* the Internet
} And so I thank you for finding me not guilty.
} Case dismissed.
} You owe the Oracle damages in the amount of $25,000,000 plus costs.