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Internet Oracularities #991

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991, 991-01, 991-02, 991-03, 991-04, 991-05, 991-06, 991-07, 991-08, 991-09, 991-10


Internet Oracularities #991    (86 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Mar 1998 18:01:14 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   991
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

991   86 votes 8jso7 39nEb 8dut6 3dyoc 6frpd 7nrn6 6hsq9 6jGc7 6iEi4 6qwk2
991   3.1 mean  3.0   3.5   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.0   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.8


991-01    (8jso7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it, oh great one, who can tell my question, and is thus bothered
> by this redundant and unworthy supplicant (who, by any facination of
> human bravery, thinks himself at all worthy to grace himself by being
> in the same temporal age and solar vicinity as thyself, and therefore
> risks a dreaded and powerful *zot*, and pleads the Great one will be
> pleased to save his batteries further, and perhaps answer his stupid
> and pointless question, which only stems from his own stupidity upon
> such matter, for he is a dung heep!  He is the stuff that dung castes
> off in comparison to the Great one!) why it is that Courtney is so
> kind, smart, and religious, and why she is so very pretty (still,
> in no comparison to you), and what the best way to keep her out of
> my mind during this next tournament is?
>
> Please be patient.  Oh, you know I know I know better, but please,
> grace me with thine random and not so obsolete opinion.
>
> Sincerely,
>      Noff.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh.  If I had a ZOT for every time I heard about Courtney, I wouldn't
} have all these supplicants worrying about draining my batteries.
} Or dung castes, for that matter.  (Nice folk, not at all smelly.
} But I digress.)
}
} So let's just review this, shall we?  Let's see...Courtney is:
}
}      a)  kind,
}      b)  smart,
}      c)  religious, and
}      d)  pretty (though not as pretty as me, yadda yadda yadda).
}
} This is the hardest part, kid, so have a seat.  You see, "Courtney" is
} an android.  Built by the Gallup corporation, she's the most advanced
} surveying tool ever built. Every moment she's around you, she's fixing
} you as a demographic:  do you like Doritos?  Tide?  Mutual funds?  No?
} Well, what if we package them in an ironic blue folder with a little
} gold star and advertise them using the stars of "Three's Company"?
} It's obvious, really.  Just look at the facts.
}
} KIND:  Courtney is kind?  HA.  It is to *laugh*.  When she smiles
} at you -- you know, that big ol' friendly cute way, with all the
} flashing teeth, and her eyes just kinda crinkle at the corners?
} you know? -- she's photographing you.  It's not your imagination...her
} teeth really *do* flash, so that there will be enough light when her
} "eyes" (actually superadvanced microbionic eye-like camera thingies)
} photograph you.  Haven't you noticed that she always smiles the most
} when the two of you go shopping?  And when she gives you the last of
} her detergent, or buys you lunch, or compliments you on your hair,
} she's actually field marketing different products or their slogans.
} It's all very, very calculated.
}
} SMART:  Well, of course she's smart.  You think that Gallup would go
} to all that trouble and make a stupid android?  Don't make me zot you.
}
} RELIGIOUS:  Aha, now here's the part you really have to admire.
} "Religous", huh?  Always going to "church"?  To "pray", right?  Does a
} lot of "praying", does she?  Welp, the churches are in on this too.
} In return for acting as a data drop, the church gets a coupon worth 10%
} off the price of their next demographic report purchase.  AND -- wait
} 'till you get a load of this -- when Courtney "prays", she's actually
} *uploading information*!  If you were to check her knees, you'd find
} a cunningly concealed data port that will hook up to its match, also
} cunningly concealed in the little prayer bench thingies in her church.
} Her whispered prayers are nothing more than the handshaking tones
} used to establish a connection with the big Gallup computers, just
} like your modem makes when you send The Oracle email.
}
} PRETTY:  Well, of course she is.  They had your tastes in women
} pegged long before they even *began* to put the silicone in place.
} Remember that survey you took in that magazine?  The one where you
} could've won a free subscription, or a mountain bike, or maybe a big
} ol' jug of barbecue sauce?  All starting to make sense, now, isn't it?
}
} And so we come to the last part of your question:  how *do* you
} keep her out of your mind?  Well, I'm afraid you're going to find
} that pretty damned difficult.  After all, they built her for *you*.
} However, keep this in mind:  it's only a six-month survey, so she won't
} be around for much longer. After that, they'll "retire"  her...heh
} heh heh....Wha? Oh, uh, to a *farm*...yeah, an *android* farm...where
} she can run around all day and have fun polling horses.  Uh, yeah....
}
} You owe The Oracle a detailed, recent survey of the 18-23 demographic,
} including purchasing patterns, figures of trust, and humour/irony
} response breakdowns.


991-02    (39nEb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, grand semi-deity.
>
> If you play CDs on a cd-player and tape player play tapes, and records
> on a record player, why can't I play footballs on a football player?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is because of competing standards.  You are attempting to play an
} American football on a British football player.  If you want to play
} your American footballs, you may need to import an American football
} player.  If this is too much of an expense for your budget, there is a
} small startup firm, called Integrated Sports which sells an adapter for
} rugby players which allows them also to accommodate your American
} footballs.  The sound quality is not nearly as good as with an American
} football player, but it's better than nothing.
}
} You owe the Oracle someone to play his crickets on.


991-03    (8dut6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *Tedious hold music*
>
> *Time passes*
>
> *More time passes*
>
> Hello? Is this the supplicant support line? Hi, I'd like to ask a..
> What? Oh you need a Grovel Card number? 1342-2342-2422-4553. Yes,
> right, I'd like to know how to get out of the helpdesk business.
> Yes, I suspose you can put me back on hold again..
>
> *Tedious hold music*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *blip*
} We're sorry, your Grovel Card has been declined.  As you have
} failed to grovel before the Oracle, you will now be transferred
} to the ZOT department.
}
} *ring*
} *ring*
}
} Please hold for the next available operator.
}
} *Tedious hold music*
}
} We're sorry, all operators are currently atomizing other supplicants.
} If you wish to access the Automatic ZOT System, press 1 now.  To
} leave a message and have our personnel call you back, press 2 now.
} Otherwise, please remain on the line and we will process your call
} in the order it was received.
}
} *BEEP*
}
} Thank you for calling the Automatic ZOT System.  For a mild sunburn,
} press 1.  For blisters and scarring, press 2.  For hideous
} disfigurement, press 3.  For crippling injury, press 4.  For reduction
} to a lifeless hunk of charcoal, press 5.
}
} *BEEP*
}
} We're sorry, your selection: "Mild sunburn" is unavailable at this
} time.  Your call is being transferred to an operator for assistance.
}
} *ring*
} *ring*
}
} HellothanksforcallingOracuarIndustriesthisisPhil
}
} ZZZZZZ     OOO      TTTTT
}     Z     O   O       T
}    Z     O     O      T
}   Z      O     O      T
}  Z        O   O       T
} ZZZZZZ     OOO        T
}
}
} Thankyoupleasecallagain
} *click*


991-04    (3dyoc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is correct, cactuses or cacti?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One cold morning Sir Dinadan, Defender of Latin, put on his armor,
} saddled his horse, and rode to his appointment with destiny.  On his
} shield was emblazoned a large golden 'I'.  At the same time Sir
} Sargamore, Champion of Uniform Endings, rode to meet Dinadan in the
} cactus grove.  His coat of arms was a large red 'S'.  As they came
} within sight of each other, Dinadan shouted, "Barbarian!  How dare you
} mangle the sacred second declension!" and spurred his horse on faster.
} Sargamore replied, "Stop being such an old-fashioned self-righteous
} pedant!" and also increased the speed of his charge.  Both took
} careful aim with their lances, and as they met they punctured each
} other's shields and impaled each other through the heart.  Both fell
} dying into the cactus.  This proved that both are wrong.  Cactus is
} already plural.  I leave you to figure out what its singular is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrubbery.


991-05    (6frpd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for
> a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and
> oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not to mention mistaking a statement for a question, or
} a phrase for an answer.


991-06    (7nrn6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people insist on whistling while they work? It's getting on
> my f@ckinnerves!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chances are, it's not whistling as you conceive of it: i.e., a possibly
} non-conscious but nonetheless voluntary activity. More likely, it's
} the sound of helium venting from the cranial cavity.
}   The simplest way to avoid this irritating sound is to get out of the
} marketing & sales department.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel.


991-07    (6hsq9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 3 men went to a motel. The man behind the
> desk said the room is $30, so each man put up
> $10 each and went to the room. A little while
> later he realized the room was only $25, so
> he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys room
> with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop
> couldn't figure how to split the $5 between
> the 3 guys so he just gave each one of them
> $1 and he kept the other $2. That left the 3
> guys paying $9 each for the room. 3x9=27+ the
> 2 that the bellhop kept =$29. WHERES THE
> OTHER DOLLAR??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 3 guys weren't worried about it at all. You see, the previous
} week, they paid $45, or, $15 each for a room. The hotel owner
} realised that he had overcharged the three massively, and that
} the room should only be $30. He gave the bellhop $15 to return
} to the three, but the bellhop, being even less honest than
} the one above, kept the entire $15 for himself. Hence, the three
} men had paid $45 for the room, plus the $15 that the bellhop
} kept, or a total of $60 with a gain of $15. They're still $14 up.
} This demonstrates a basic economic truth, that the capital generated
} by an economy has a direct relationship to the dishonesty of bellhops.
}
} America is a major world power, is this due to large amounts of natural
} resources and an educated populace? Nope, it's because the
} average American bellhop has one hand carrying your bags, and the
} other one is picking your pocket.
}
} Japan's economic miracle. Erm, have you seen the film 'In the Realm of
} the Senses'? Familiar with the story of Japanese bellhop Sada Abe? No?
} Erm, let's leave that one at that (Shudder).
}
} The collapse of Russia's economy? You see, with the incompetent
} distribution network, huge queues, the bellhops realised that there
} was no point in stealing or cheating, as there was nothing to
} spend the money on. You know the result of that one.
}
} And of course, the rise and fall of the British Empire? Well, you see
} early on, British society was young and vigorous, and the bellhops
} ran secret gambling dens, scams, frauds, and generally were a pack
} of complete and utter rotters. Large amounts of money were generated
} from nowhere, producing huge amounts to equip His Majesty's Navy.
} Britannia ruled the waves because travellers rued their stays in
} British hotels. Unfortunately, with the cult of The English
} Gentlemen, and the way in which any country starts believing their
} own propaganda after repeating it often enough, the bellhops rapidly
} became true and honest gentlemen, showing a true stiff upper lip as
} they placed your luggage in your room untampered with. The empire
} faded in turn.
}
} You owe The Oracle $45, and don't expect a penny of it back. I've got
} to contribute something to the world economy.


991-08    (6jGc7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Mollusc-Like Exo-Skeletal Oracle Who Sells C Shells By The Sea
> Shore,
> First, we had the Bourne shell, then the Korn shell, and now the Zorn
> shell and even the Bourne-again shell (bash). Are Unix shells only
> allowed to be written by people who's names rhyme with "orn"? What's
> next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant I see you've stumbled onto a dirty little secret of the
} software industry. Yes, Unix shells are only allowed to be written by
} people who's names rhyme with "orn". This is for Arcane reasons having
} to do with the spells that keep the great beast, devourer of souls,
} etc, (but his friends call him Bill), incarnated in this world, an
} obvious prerequisite of the Apocalypse.
}
} Anyway, here's a short list of what's next:
}
} Lorne Shell - Named for Lorne Green, the syntax is modeled after
}                 dialogue from 'Battlestar Galactica'
}
} Shorn Shell - Will be popular with skinheads.
}
} Horn Shell  - A lot like Korn but without the 7-string guitars
}
} Mourn Shell - Eerily like MS-DOS, but with more bugs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of grimoire for Microsoft products


991-09    (6iEi4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh biggest of the Big Kahunas...  Grooviest of the groove daddies...
> Please, share some wisdome with me...
>
> Would it be wise of me to date an exotic dancer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's look at the odds....
}
} 25% chance that you will attempt to date her but she will refuse to
} give you the time of day (or night).
}
} 25% chance that you will date her, discover that she is a couple of
} bubbles off plumb, and break up with her after a month.
}
} 20% chance that you will date her and come down with an exotic (and
} incurable) STD.
}
} 10% chance that you will date her and her boyfriend Tony, who outweighs
} you by 50 pounds, will find out about you and break most of the major
} weight-bearing bones in your body.
}
} 5% chance that you will date her for a while, she will dump you for
} someone richer and/or better looking, you will stalk her obsessively
} for a year, and finally you will be arrested for attempted homicide and
} will go to prison where you will become known as "Mrs. Spike".
}
} 5% chance that you will discover early on in your relationship that she
} is actually a he.
}
} 2.5% chance that you will not discover that she is actually a he until
} you have been living together for three years, which will cause you no
} end of public and private embarrassment and will prompt someone to
} write a play about you.
}
} 2.5% chance that you will discover that she is actually a she, but you
} will also discover that you really don't mind all that much, and the
} two of you will move to Miami and open a combination drag club and
} laundromat.
}
} 2.5% chance that you will date her, start taking exotic dance classes
} in an effort to share her interests, decide you like stripping, and end
} up working at Chippendale's where little old ladies will stuff dollar
} bills into your G-string.
}
} 2.5% chance that you will date her, get married, get a law degree, have
} kids, and go through a nasty divorce in about 15 years during which her
} sordid past will come to light and destroy your career.
}
} So, in answer to your question:  No, probably not.  But, hey, go for
} it! No matter what happens, it will make a great story to tell the
} grandkids fifty years from now.  Assuming you and Mr. Spike have any.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Rules" and a nice set of sequined
} pasties.


991-10    (6qwk2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise!
>
> Why do I never see all those spelling errors _before_ I send the
> message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} > Ow Orakul, mostly wyse!
} >
} > Whi doe eye nev ere sea all these speling erorrs _bee four_
} > I cend the mesige?
}
} I was wondering how long it would be before you asked.
}
} The answer is fairly simple. Several of your so-called friends
} have access to a cancelbot which they use to intercept your
} messages and introduce spelling errors before resubmitting it.
}
} And I suppose you don't know what: Seenby: cancelbot45@aol.com
} means?
}
} The Owacle wequifes you to ufe bwitifh fpelling from now on in
} twibute to my omnifienfe.


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