} Sigh. If I had a ZOT for every time I heard about Courtney, I wouldn't
} have all these supplicants worrying about draining my batteries.
} Or dung castes, for that matter. (Nice folk, not at all smelly.
} But I digress.)
} So let's just review this, shall we? Let's see...Courtney is:
} a) kind,
} b) smart,
} c) religious, and
} d) pretty (though not as pretty as me, yadda yadda yadda).
} This is the hardest part, kid, so have a seat. You see, "Courtney" is
} an android. Built by the Gallup corporation, she's the most advanced
} surveying tool ever built. Every moment she's around you, she's fixing
} you as a demographic: do you like Doritos? Tide? Mutual funds? No?
} Well, what if we package them in an ironic blue folder with a little
} gold star and advertise them using the stars of "Three's Company"?
} It's obvious, really. Just look at the facts.
} KIND: Courtney is kind? HA. It is to *laugh*. When she smiles
} at you -- you know, that big ol' friendly cute way, with all the
} flashing teeth, and her eyes just kinda crinkle at the corners?
} you know? -- she's photographing you. It's not your imagination...her
} teeth really *do* flash, so that there will be enough light when her
} "eyes" (actually superadvanced microbionic eye-like camera thingies)
} photograph you. Haven't you noticed that she always smiles the most
} when the two of you go shopping? And when she gives you the last of
} her detergent, or buys you lunch, or compliments you on your hair,
} she's actually field marketing different products or their slogans.
} It's all very, very calculated.
} SMART: Well, of course she's smart. You think that Gallup would go
} to all that trouble and make a stupid android? Don't make me zot you.
} RELIGIOUS: Aha, now here's the part you really have to admire.
} "Religous", huh? Always going to "church"? To "pray", right? Does a
} lot of "praying", does she? Welp, the churches are in on this too.
} In return for acting as a data drop, the church gets a coupon worth 10%
} off the price of their next demographic report purchase. AND -- wait
} 'till you get a load of this -- when Courtney "prays", she's actually
} *uploading information*! If you were to check her knees, you'd find
} a cunningly concealed data port that will hook up to its match, also
} cunningly concealed in the little prayer bench thingies in her church.
} Her whispered prayers are nothing more than the handshaking tones
} used to establish a connection with the big Gallup computers, just
} like your modem makes when you send The Oracle email.
} PRETTY: Well, of course she is. They had your tastes in women
} pegged long before they even *began* to put the silicone in place.
} Remember that survey you took in that magazine? The one where you
} could've won a free subscription, or a mountain bike, or maybe a big
} ol' jug of barbecue sauce? All starting to make sense, now, isn't it?
} And so we come to the last part of your question: how *do* you
} keep her out of your mind? Well, I'm afraid you're going to find
} that pretty damned difficult. After all, they built her for *you*.
} However, keep this in mind: it's only a six-month survey, so she won't
} be around for much longer. After that, they'll "retire" her...heh
} heh heh....Wha? Oh, uh, to a *farm*...yeah, an *android* farm...where
} she can run around all day and have fun polling horses. Uh, yeah....
} You owe The Oracle a detailed, recent survey of the 18-23 demographic,
} including purchasing patterns, figures of trust, and humour/irony
} response breakdowns.