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Internet Oracularities #994

Goto:
994, 994-01, 994-02, 994-03, 994-04, 994-05, 994-06, 994-07, 994-08, 994-09, 994-10


Internet Oracularities #994    (88 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   994
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

994   88 votes wth82 ajto6 euqd5 7dAo8 4kBm5 8drmi 9gAj8 7aDq6 fmnia 38kur
994   3.0 mean  2.1   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.0   3.3   3.0   3.2   2.8   3.8


994-01    (wth82 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie, you mind letting Lisa answer this one?
>
> Who are you?
> What do you want?
> Why are you here?
> Where are you going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm not Lisa.
} But here are the answers to your questions.
} -Samantha Moseckly
} -Money and candy
} -I got lost on my way to Vancouver
} -Vancouver


994-02    (ajto6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why's everybody always pickin on me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's your destiny as a guitar.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Lucille.


994-03    (euqd5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give us a joke, you're the Orrie man
> Give us a joke tonight.
> And we're sharing a drink called foolishness
> But I'm feelin' all right.
>
> Da, Da da didi da da, Da da da, didi da, Da dum
>
> [Que harmonica solo]
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Insipid whistling]
}
} [Cheesy guitar]
}
} Well, we all have a face that we hide out all along.
} But we take them out and show them off in r-o-hhh-d.
} Some wield Zot staffs, some like Og,
} Some like Lisa, some write a song.
} They're the faces of the Oracle, and we want to let you see.
}
} Well, we all write out answers, but we never send in tellme's
} Though the queue will empty out, there are some who never learn.
} Why were you so surprised when all you sent in were askme's
} Did you ever the others see the queue-drainer in yourself?
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} I used to believe I was a great incarnation
} After all, I had been digested over twenty times.
} When twenty issues came and went without so much an answer
} It was then I felt the priest-hood kick me right between the eyes.
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} You may never understand how the Oracle's inspired.
} But, it isn't always clever, and it is not always long.
} Though you'll have good ideas, you may never get to use them.
} I will just have to abuse them.
} You owe the Oracle a song.
}
} [annoying whistling]


994-04    (7dAo8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, I beg you to use you most wondrous powers & endless
> knowledge to answer a question for me.  Will you take pity on me, O
> Great Oracle?
>
> Will I ever be rich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The Oracle clasps his hands behinds his head and lets out a low sigh.]
}
} Well, there, Supplicant, It's a little difficult to know what you
} really mean by that statement. There are quite a few ways you can "be
} rich", so let's look at a few of them.
}
} [The Oracle flips open his handy thesaurus, and looks through the
} meanings of "rich".]
}
} Well, we have six different meanings here. I won't even attempt to
} touch some of those synonyms. Let's rephrase that question using these
} meanings, and see where we get, shall we?
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be fertile?", I think I can answer that one
} pretty handily. You know that old microwave oven of yours? You really
} shouldn't stand in front of it while waiting for it to finish cooking
} your meal. It'll probably be six months or more before you'll be
} anything close to fertile, and even then you can expect some defects...
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be expensive?", then all I can do is direct
} you to your parents. I think they'll agree with me that raising you
} wasn't cheap.
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be deep?", well, looking at your financial
} state right now, I'd say you're in pretty deep. You may want to avoid
} dark alleys and those large, brutish men who have been following you
} for the last couple of weeks. You also might want to go see your
} "friend" Benny "The Finger" Salvatori while you can still walk without
} the aid of crutches. And bring cash; lots of it.
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be sonorous?", just ask your girlfriend. She
} sits there at night, next to you in bed, mulling over whether or not
} she should just feed you your pillow and deal with the prison sentence.
} Either get separate rooms, or go see a doctor about your snoring;
} you'll have a longer life expentancy that way.
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be laughable?", all you need to do is take a
} good look at yourself. 'Nuff said.
}
} If you mean, "Will I ever be wealthy?", I really doubt it. Not with
} what you owe to your parents and Benny. And you might want to check the
} activity of that joint account with your girlfriend...
}
} All I can say, is that the only way you will ever "be rich" is to go
} and get a legal name change done.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on semantics, and yourself a new microwave
} oven.


994-05    (4kBm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows we are, each of us, angles with only
> one wing, and we can only fly embracing each other, please tell,
> how do you envision or future?
>
> After all, we are approaching the end of the millenium faster than
> anyone could imagine, and I don't mean to be fatalist here, I just
> though that, like Nostradamus before you, you could perhaps see in
> our future. The immediate as well as the more distant...so let me
> repeat my query Oh Magnificent One, how do you see our future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, I have to disagree with your whole cosmological
} view there, being, as you mentioned, the Oracle. If each of us were
} angles with only one "wing," that would make us straight lines, and
} thoroughly incapable of flight.
}
} As far as the future... well, being omnipotent, I see the future as a
} small, dimpled sphere, much like a large orange, or a small grapefruit.
} However, this is probably of little help to you, being fixed in linear
} time as you are, and having no capacity to view the future directly. It
} seems that even within your own limited scope of time, you are somewhat
} confused. Nostradamus before me, indeed. Where do you think he was
} getting his stuff from, anyway? Freaking tea leaves?
}
} <Sigh>... I suppose like every one else in your timeframe, you are more
} interested in specific "future" events, thinking that this knowledge
} will actually help you in some way. Well, it won't. But here you go:
} have a blast, pretend you have some control over your future. It'll be
} amusing for me to watch.
}
} -- New Year's Eve at the dawn of the year 2000 will be a great
} disappointment. After building it up for months, you will arrive at the
} stroke of midnight drunk and confused, like every year. You may get
} lucky, but she'll be faking it.
}
} -- In 2008, the Internet will be accessible from 78% of homes
} worldwide, causing global intelligence to plummet precipitously. The
} most popular Halloween costume will be the :).
}
} -- By the year 2016, there will be more Starbucks Coffee franchises
} than places of worship in the United States. Hundreds of infants will
} be sacrificed nationwide to Latte, Goddess of Valdez.
}
} -- The members of the Rolling Stones will pass away within weeks of
} each other in the year 2021, except for Keith Richards, who, it will be
} revealed, died in 1987.
}
} -- By the year 2042, life will precisely resemble the world in the
} chilling George Lucas vision of the future, "THX 1138," with one
} difference: everyone will have more hair.
}
} Oh, and buy Lucent Technologies (NASDAQ: LU).
}
} You owe the Oracle the director's cut of "THX 1138" on DVD, and a tall
} decaf skim no-foam mocha.


994-06    (8drmi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, who often gives the funniest answers to he
> least specific questions:
>
> What?
> Where?
> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The Oracularity you are about to read is true.  Only the names have
} been changed to protect the incarnation.
}
}                 D  R  A  G  N  E  T  :  1  9  9  8
}
}    Tuesday, February 3rd.  A cool and cloudy day in Los Angeles.  But
} we were in Bloomington, Indiana.  We were working the night watch out
} of Network Systems.  My partner is Frank Gannon.  My name is Oracle.
} Sgt. Joe Oracle.  I carry a badge.
}    We had just finished up the paperwork on our previous case, in which
} we had finally nabbed the Midnight Queue Drainer.
}    "It's too bad he had to be released on a technicality like that."
}    "That's right.  When are they going to make draining the queue
} illegal?" "Someday, Frank, someday."
}    Capt. Kinzler came by our desk with a thick file folder.  "We've
} been getting all sorts of complaints about plagiarism on the part of
} Oracular incarnations.  You name it, if it's copyrighted, they've
} quoted from it. Everything from science fiction television shows
} to...well, to half-hour televised dramatizations of actual police
} cases."
}    I took the top sheet of paper out of the folder.  It was a Top Ten
} list.   "They're even plagiarizing late-night talk show hosts!  There
} are some sick people out there.  Frank, let's roll."
}
}    The intelligence unit suggested we start at the offices of the Juno
} e-mail service, which had been acquiring a bad reputation recently.
} They were located in the warehouse district on the east side of town.
}
}    We spoke to the receptionist.  "Ma'am, you wouldn't know anything
} about any plagiarism going on here?"
}    "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."
}    "Oh?  Tell me, what's behind that door?"
}    "Absolutely nothing."
}    "Can you show us?"
}    "I'm afraid I can't do that."
}    "Let's put it this way.  We can do it the easy way, and you show us
} now, or we can do it the hard way, and you show us later, when we come
} back with a search warrant."
}    "What?"
}    At that moment, a deliveryman from Indiana Vending came out with
} several empty cases of pop.  Frank took advantage of the situation to
} stick his foot in the door, preventing it from closing and allowing me
} to look inside.
}    "Monkeys!"
}    "Sitting at little computer terminals, Joe!"
}    "There must be a thousand of them, Frank!"
}    The receptionist broke down in tears.  "That's right!  We're trying
} to see if a thousand monkeys sitting at a thousand computer terminals
} can eventually write a coherent e-mail!  That's all Juno is, I swear!"
}    I picked up a hard copy of their output.  "zot!  you owe the oracle
} xeop skflu," it read.
}    "Well, most of these letters are used in the latest John Grisham
} novel, but that's kind of a tenuous case for plagiarism.  But Frank,
} take her name and phone number in case we need to talk to her later.
} Ma'am, don't leave the county for 30 days."
}
}    We also had reason to suspect the Hotmail e-mail service.  They were
} located in the warehouse district on the west side of the country.
}
}    I nudged Frank as we entered the lobby.  There was a sign hanging up
} that read, "Hotmail...Now a Proud Microsoft Affiliate!"
}    "May I help you?" asked the receptionist.
}    "No, ma'am, never mind.  Nobody associated with Microsoft could be
} doing anything illegal."
}
}    It was getting late.  Frank suggested we stop for coffee.  I agreed.
} Frank pulled into the parking lot of a bookstore.
}    "This isn't a coffee shop."
}    "My son told me about this place.  They have coffee."
}    "A bookstore with coffee?  What will they think of next?"
}
}    We went to the counter of the coffee section and ordered coffee.
} The young man behind the counter looked at us suspiciously.
}    "It's been a long time since anyone's ordered a plain, black coffee.
} Are you sure you don't want mocha, or cappucino, or something like
} that?"
}    "We'll ask the questions around here, mister!"
}    "Geez, sorry!"
}    As he prepared our coffees, Frank and I stood at the counter and
} looked around the store.
}    "Say, that video section over there," Frank asked.  "What are your
} biggest sellers?"
}    "Oh, probably the 'Star Trek' TV episodes."
}    Frank and I exchanged a meaningful, eyebrow-raised glance.
}    "And the music section," I asked.  "What are your biggest sellers?"
}    "The Beatles CD's, I think.  Here's your coffees."
}    "We'll drink them on the way down to the station with you.  Frank,
} cuff him."
}    "What?"
}    "You're under arrest for being an accessory to plagiarism.  You have
} the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can and will be used
} against you in a court of law.  You have the right to have an attorney
} present during questioning.  If you cannot afford an attorney, one will
} be provided for you at no charge.  Do you understand your rights as I
} have told them to you?"
}    "I didn't do nothing!"
}    "Do you understand your rights?!"
}    "Yes, yes, I understand my rights!  Mr. Scott, can you cover the
} counter for me for a while?"
}    Frank and I exchanged another meaningful, eyebrow-raised glance.
}    "The name 'Mr. Scott' is the property of Paramount Pictures,
} mister."
}    "What?  My manager's name is Mr. Scott!  Mr. Leonard
} Scott!" "And the name 'Leonard' is the property of Mr. Bill Cosby!
} Just because a movie doesn't do well at the box office doesn't mean you
} can just quote from it as you please!  You need to pay Mr. Cosby a
} royalty if you're going to do that again!"
}    "What are you talking about?"
}    "You'd better stop talking, young man.  You're in a heap of trouble
} already."
}
}    Later, Capt. Kinzler came by to congratulate us.  "Congratulations,
} gentlemen.  You found out the what, where, and how of all this
} plagiarism that's been going on."
}    "That's right," I said.  "Now that the ringleader is in jail and the
} plagiarism threat is ended, we'll have a renaissance of original
} thought in the Oracularities Digests, the likes of which hasn't been
} seen since...dare I say it?  Digest Number 1."
}    Capt. Kinzler nodded.  "And this is the right time for it, with the
} numbers about to hit 1000."
}    The three of us exchanged a meaningful, eyebrow-raised glance.
}
}    On April 13th, trial was held in State of Indiana Superior Court, in
} and for the county of Monroe.  In a moment, the results of that trial.
}
}    Jason Morris was convicted of being an accessory to plagiarism
} across a computer network.  He was remanded to the custody of Leonard
} Scott, his manager at Borders.


994-07    (9gAj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Complete the following limerick:
>
> William and Mary of Orange

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} William and Mary of Orange,
} Got caught in a large sort of door-hinge,
}   They both watched in fear,
}   As priest Zadoc came near,
} And stuck them both with a lengthy boar-syringe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme for "impertinent bossy ungroveling
} supplicant" (and a blood sample for Zadoc's collection).


994-08    (7aDq6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and multi-talented one...
>
> If Shakespeare and Faulkner were to collaborate on a literary work,
> what would result?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forsooth! iambic streams-of-consciousness
} what supplicants demand grows ever strange
} i answer prose last week i had a lot
} but then the duke called hence and i
} not willing spewed out my answers forth
} methinks the porter steals my lines wthout
} consent. it is a tale of two williams
} with all the sound and fury of Macbeth and Quentin
} rigid verse and free-form punctuations.;
} 'Swounds!
}       detest the English and their speech.
}
} And now thy oweth Me the heads ten ten
} tragedians and modernists on stakes.
}                                       Exeunt.


994-09    (fmnia dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, I have a most urgent question to ask!
>
> Why does the rain in spain fall gently on the plain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE.
}   Look at her: a prisoner of the text of hype,
}   Condemned by every capital she types,
}   By rights they should be taken out and hung,
}   For the cold fingered murder of internet fun.
}
} AOLER [very indignant]
} Ayy - Ohhh - Ohhh - elllll!
}
} ORACLE [whipping out his book] "Ayy - Ohhh - Ohhh - elllll" Heavens
} what B1FF!
}
}   This is what the internet population,
}   Calls an elementary education.
}
} SUPPLICANT.  Come, sir; I think you picked a poor example,
} ORACLE. Did I...?
}
}   See them on alt.sex,
}   Dropping typos in bin and hex,
}   Typing English anyway they like.
}   You sir: did you go to school? [entering a chat room]
}   A BYSTANDER.
}   WHAT DUE YAW TIKE ME FAR, NOT CRUEL?
}   ORACLE.
}   Well, at least he spell checks what he types.
}   See a Prodigy-man, or worse,
}   A newbie typing verse.
}   I'd rather be incarnated as Juno.
}   Newbies, typing on L of AO,
}   Just like this one. [He points to Aoler]
}
} AOLER.  YES NO HELL!
} ORACLE [noting in his book] "Yes no Hell"--I ask you sir; what sort of
} answer is that?
}
}   It's caps and "YES NO HELL" that keep her in the flames,
}   Not her wretched spelling or stupid pseudonyms.
}   Why can't AOL teach its newbies how to net?
}   By now you'd think they'd read the FAQ and practise netiquette.
}   If you wrote as she does, sir, instead of the way you do,
}   You might be an AOLER, too.
}
} SUPPLICANT. [not sure what to make of this] I beg your pardon.
}
} Oracle reads a rendition of the W**dch**k question, in Hindi.
} ORACLE.
}   A net-vet's way of typing absolutely classifies him.
}   The moment he types, other netters start to flame him.
}   One common FAQ I'm afraid we'll never get.
}   Oh why can't newbies learn to--[ZOTs the Hindi w**dch**ker]
}   Set a good example for people whose typing brings up tears.
}   Ever seen Hotmail or Juno queue draineers?
}   There are even newsgroups where common sense disappears!
}   Why on alt.flame they haven't used it in years! [bystanders laugh]
}   Why can't AOL teach its newbies how to net?
}   The .com-ers do their spamming, but the .edu-ers have nettiquette.
}   On alt.usage.english, they don't care what you say-- so long as you
} say it properly.
}
}   People use modems with the speed of summer lightning,
}   On rec.humor.funny the post in ROT13 that which is absolutely
} frightening.
}   Use proper nettiquette, you're regarded as a sysadmin.
}   Oh why can't newbies learn how to--
}   Why must newbies learn how to login?
}
} You owe the Oracle a flame.


994-10    (38kur dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise one, thou who has such patience that thou thinks nothing of
> waiting for the universe to collapse back on itself, even though those
> Australian scientists have told us that it will never do so....
>
> Oracle, I'm impatient. Can you please send me the entire next
> Oracluarities Digest before it is posted to the rec.humor.oracle
> newsgroup?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure. I mean, if it were the Oracularities, there'd be a temporal
} paradox - but the Oracluarities are no problem.
}
} #993
}
} From: Steve Kinzrel <kinzrel@cs.indaina.edu>
}
} [Yadda yadda - you know all this stuff - O]
}
} 988 89 votes 4pLay 5p0On k3wEl z4D0c 0rr13 w0rd5 bo50m *zOt* 5pAmm 4ns3r
} 988 3.1 mean  3.5   2.1   2.9   2.8   3.4   2.7   3.4   0.1   3.8   2.9
}
} --- 993-01 -------------------------------------------------------------
} Selected-By: Maurice@sassoon.edu
}
} The Internet Oraclue has pondered your predicament deeply.
} Your predicament was:
}
} > I have sharp stabbing pains and my hair stands on end when
} > I go to the bathroom at night.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oraclue:
}
} } That's not the bathroom. Is there a piece of electrical
} } equipment that's been erratic lately?
}
} --- 993-02 -------------------------------------------------------------
} Selected-By: The Nolan Sisters <nolan@salary.tfif.com>
}
} The Internet Oraclue has pondered your predicament deeply.
} Your predicament was:
}
} > I feel sick.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oraclue:
}
} } Wax Fruit is not a brand name.
}
} --- 993-03 -------------------------------------------------------------
} Selected-By: The Nolan Sisters <nolan@salary.tfif.com>
}
} The Internet Oraclue has pondered your predicament deeply.
} Your predicament was:
}
} > I've fallen and I can't get up!
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oraclue:
}
} } It's easier if you pull your trousers up first. *sigh*
}
} --- 993-04 -------------------------------------------------------------
} Selected-By: "C. S. Funghi-E-Mascarpone" <funky@gogo.gorgetown.edu>
}
} The Internet Oraclue has pondered your predicament deeply.
} Your predicament was:
}
} > A girl goes into a bar and orders a Double Entendre.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oraclue:
}
} } The barman gave her one.
}
} [Hey, wait a minute! That's not a clue - that looks suspiciously like a
}  cheap gag! What's going on here?]
}
} {Hello, brother. Errr... Just trying to branch out a bit, you know.}
}
} [Well, stay out of my territory! Jeez, I thought my supplicants were
}  bad!]
}
} {And these are my best ones. Help me! In the name of sweet mercy!}
}
} [Ummm... Gotta go. Love to stay and chat but you know how it is. Busy
}  busy busy! Bye!]
}
} End of Oracluarities #993
}
} -----
}
} Phew! Nothing quite like seeing someone even worse off than yourself to
} put everything in perspective. I feel quite positive, now. Thanks!
}
} You owe the Oracle an e-mail to Oraclue@cs.indaina.edu with the words,
} "help me" in the subject line.


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