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Internet Oracularities #995

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Internet Oracularities #995    (91 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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   995
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

995   91 votes 5lwmb 8gykd 9erw9 dloq7 clny1 5rqs5 6goqj 8rxg7 8ttfa ccvkg
995   3.1 mean  3.1   3.2   3.2   2.9   2.9   3.0   3.4   2.9   2.9   3.2


995-01    (5lwmb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who need wear no clothes in the warm grecian
> climate,
>
> I'm on a mailing list of assorted freaks and I asked them to
> all mail me one piece of clean clothing so I wouldn't
> have to do laundry next week.
>
> What will I get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At first, you'll get nothing. The other people on your mailing list are
} no more willing to give over time to laundry that you, and they will
} hardly surrender part of their reserve.
}
} Unluckily, as you read this, one of the list members is busily hacking
} your message into a chain mail, like that one about the dying kid and
} the postcards. Then, supplicant, you are going to get *clothes*.
}
} Jeans. T-shirts. Socks. Boxer shorts. Bras and jockstraps both (you
} should have specified your gender). Moccassins. Bowlers. Togas.
} Ceinture flechees. Pantaloons. Tennies. Loinclothes. Sarongs.
} Babushkas. Suspenders. Thermal underwear. Chadors. Bathrobes. Large
} orange garbage bags with three holes punched through. Double-breasted
} suits. Teddies. Cummerbunds. British WWI doughboy uniforms. Doc
} Dentons. The Post Office will threaten you. Your neighbours will
} complain about the overpowering stench of mothballs. The fire
} department will condemn your house as a fire hazard. Saks and J.C.
} Penney will start legal action to prevent you from trying to sell the
} clothes. You will flee the country, change your name, and undertake
} plastic surgery, and *still* you will get packages with three pairs of
} dirty briefs and a muscle shirt, with a little note saying, "Poor dear,
} I hope this can help you. Best of luck."
}
} The guy who turned the message into a chain letter in the first place,
} on the other hand, will still be happily wearing the same sweatsuit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Tide.


995-02    (8gykd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mirabilis Oraculus, whose ducks are always perfectly in a row,
> please tell me:
>
> What's the best way to find something I've lost?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a tricky one for me to answer. After all, since I know
} everything, I always know where things are, so I have difficulty
} losing things. Even if I want to.
}
} Speaking of which, I think we'd be best served by asking someone
} who's regularly confused. Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc!
}
}   "You hollered, O Radiant Moon of Wisdom?"
}
} Yes. Zadoc, when you lose something, how do you go about finding
} it?
}
}   "Well, Great Eagle of Perspicacity, since it's always in the
} last place you look I start there and work backwards."
}
} But it's only in the last place you look because after you've
} found it, you stop looking!
}
}   "I don't."
}
} Yes, well, you've spent many years having high voltage current
} passed through you. I hardly think it prudent to draw any broad
} conclusions about humanity from your actions.
}
}   "You'd be surprised. Or rather, you wouldn't be surprised as
} you know all in advance, O Wondrous Jewel of Sagacity, but if
} another were in your place, not that anyone could take your
} place except you, and if they were you they'd know everything in
} advance, unless - "
}
} YES, yes, that's enough! I feel one of my headaches coming on
} again. Please go away and have yourself beaten.
}
}   "At once, O He Whose Mercy Droppeth as the Vicious Stinging
} Hail from Heaven!"
}
} *sigh* I should know better, really. Let's try someone a little
} higher up the evolutionary ladder, shall we? Kendai!
}
}   "Yep?"
}
} Yep? YEP? Remember our little discussion about who was in charge
} here? The one involving prolonged stays in the woodchuck pits with
} a wooden codpiece?
}
}   "Errr... Yep, I mean, What is your desire, O Mighty Sage?"
}
} That's better. Nice to see your on-the-job training is paying off.
} Now, if you'd lost something, how would you go about finding it?
}
}   "Is this about the stapler? I was just taking it to be serviced,
} I'll have it back first thing tomorrow, it was just - "
}
} No, it's not about the stapler.
}
}   "The pens, then? I swear, they must have slipped into my pocket,
} I don't know how they got there!"
}
} NO! I'm just asking a general question, dammit!
}
}   "Oh! Oh. Errr... Finding lost things, eh? What I normally do is
} tell Zadoc that _you're_ looking for it, and then he turns the
} place upside down till he finds it."
}
} Not really a generally applicable solution, though, is it? Oh,
} well, that will be all.
}
} Hmmm... Supplicant, there are many methods of finding lost
} objects, and what may be best for some may not be best for others.
} Some may advocate methodical searching, others the building of a
} shed and waiting for it to turn up, still others the ruse of
} organising a scavenger hunt for the neighborhood kids. In your
} case, and the item you seek, I suggest therapy and a regular dose
} of a mild SSRI. Have you considered surgery?
}
} You owe the Oracle a metal detector and a lock for the stationery
} cupboard.


995-03    (9erw9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose wisdom is nothing less than titanic,
>
> I saw the movie "Titanic" last weekend, and since then have become
> aware of the fact that scads of people have been seeing it more than
> once. Do they know something I don't? If I go back a 2nd or 3rd time,
> will any of the following happen:
>
> a) The ship won't sink
> b) They will try a unique strategy: actually filling the lifeboats
> c) Everyone will be saved by those babes from "Baywatch"
> d) We will discover that Leonardo diCaprio's character has superhuman
>    powers that allow him to tread water in near-freezing waters for
>    months until rescued
> e) The ship will instead sink in a large New York City pothole

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're forgetting:
}
} f) Kate Winslet will get naked. Again.


995-04    (dloq7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Why is the management in our company a pain in the ass?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I woke up in a state of complete enlightenment. As if a black veil had
} been lifted from my eyes I realized that I understood everything. My
} newfound perspective had granted me the ability to comprehend questions
} I hadn't even previously realized existed. But the bitter truth was
} also clear: that enlightenment, like happiness, comes only in fleeting
} moments of clarity for mortals like myself. No mortal gained
} enlightenment on a permanent basis (although it's a great way to earn
} money through starting a small religion based on your keen
} attentiveness to nature, god, etc.) I had to act quickly if I were to
} convert my small evanescent talent from a tiny grapeseed into a full
} and productive vineyard. How would I help the world in so short a time
} as I had? World peace? Stock market forcasts? Bug fixes for Windows NT?
} I had to be reasonable. Starving children ravaged by the brutal effects
} of war waged solely to line the pockets of some tyrannical dictator and
} the giant multinational war machines? Poor Guccand Armani-clad traders
} who barely have time for a quick game of squash between their gruelling
} days in the big pit we call Wall Street? Protection of Bill Gates'
} personal fortune earned solely through hardly^H^H working^H^H^H,
} inspired litigation^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hinnovation, and a government that
} believes in the right of one man to screw the rest of the world as long
} as it benefits those who hold power? No, there were bigger questions to
} be answered. My duty called from afar. From Indiana. Where the Internet
} Oracle (Who is so great, Who is always enlightened and Who would only
} start a religion so that he could wear those funny pointed hats and
} drink the sacramental wine, may He ever be exalted!) had a question for
} me. A question from a desperate l^Huser somewhere in the world. Maybe
} something about getting a girl to go out with his sorry ass. Maybe
} something about the common woodchuck's capacity to, er, chuck wood.
} Maybe even a question as to whether Martha F. Stewart could advise on
} how to turn used motherboards into planters for the spring tomato crop.
} Yes, somewhere out there someone needed my gift! In the fleeting
} moments that I had I needed to help the little man (no, no, not Bill
} Gates. The other one. The one who obviously just finished a small
} insignificant project at work and had nothing else to do so he checked
} the Oracularities and thought, hey, I could ask something like that and
} maybe even get digested! What a sense of validation that would provide
} me! Maybe I could even get a date with Kirsten (R is for Resplendent)
} Chevalier!) The man with the tellme in his hand. Yeah, that one. Right
} there. Let's see now...
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise,
} > Why is the management in our company a pain in the ass?
}
} Uh, maybe because you spend all your time playing with your computer
} instead of making the widgets that they're paying you to produce! Work
} smarter, not harder! A job half-done is a half done umm...We strive for
} quality, excellence and superiority in our providing the customer with
} at TQE (Total Quality Experience) in our ECR (Everyday Customer
} Relations)! Yes, that's right, you're not adhering to the company's
} mission! That's why management needs to be as, um, enforceful as we
} are! We're not a pain in the ass, we're just um, managing! So, um, feel
} managed or something!
}
} Damn. I'm stupid again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new religion. Or at least a pointy hat and some
} sacramental wine.


995-05    (clny1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who knows more they anybody is supposed to. Here is my
> question. Cup and saucer, saucer and cup, were does the hole go when
> it's filled up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well you don't think donuts are born that way now do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a topological impossibility. With sprinkles.


995-06    (5rqs5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is K

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and I'm so glad you supplicated.  Many times, I've stayed up late
} at night, waiting for Lisa and pondering the many uses of K.  Where
} would civilization be without it?  We couldn't have Habakkuk, or
} kakistocracies, or kakkaks.  We couldn't travel to Kokomo (where we'd
} currently can get there fast and take it slow) or Kazakhstan, and the
} whole Finnish language would practically collapse.
}
} Furthermore, kids would just be ids--and although the latter is often
} why the former are formed, it just isn't the same.  Slow pokes would
} just be slow Poes, and who wants alcoholics who aren't even very
} bright?  Think of the other differences K makes in your life--from
} sinking feelings to kleptomania.  It's practically impossible to
} picture life without K (well, I can do it, but I'm sure you can't).
} Ergo, we deduce that K *must* exist.
}
} Q.E.D.
}
} The Oracle owes you a kick for not grovelling.


995-07    (6goqj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.  Og throw dirt on head, lie in mud under giant lizard
> stampede.  Og paint body, tattoo face, pierce nose.  Og fight off
> distracting teenage girl stampede.  Og hope this good grovel.
>
> Pssssssssssst.
>
> Thag!  Thag, is that you?  It's me, Og!  I hope Orrie just shoveled
> this off to you again, like he always does.
>
> Listen, Thag, I've got an idea.  We're a hit, man!  Did you see that
> thread about us on rec.humor.oracle.d a while back?  People love us!
> We made the Best Of in a big way!  So here's my idea.  Let's dump the
> whole Oracle shtick, and start our own newgroup.  You know,
> rec.humor.og.and.thag or something!  We don't even need priests or
> supplicants or any of that junk. We'll just grunt and scratch and send
> each other questions and answers. Pretty soon, it'll be Og And Thag's
> Excellent Adventure, Og And Thag Go To Hollywood, books, movies, CDs,
> tours -- we'll make a fortune!
>
> What do you say, Thagman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thag listen.  Thag hear Og talk like Not-Og.  Og sound like fake
} Stanford Not-Og.  Thag not listen. Thag not start group with Not-Og.
} Thag not anger Or-a-kul.  Not-Og hit self on head with spiky club one,
} two, many times.  Owe Thag hit Not-Og self one more time.
}
} <Yeah, I think that'll cover our tracks.  Og, you've got to stop
} this stuff, man.  You'll get us caught.  This is one cushy gig.
} I'm not going to give this up now, the pay is too good.
}
} ...what do you mean you don't get paid?  I get a check each month from
} some database company that Orrie set up as a money laundering front.
} We have access to too many secrets here, people pay good money for
} the goods we deliver.  How do you think we got the exclusive license
} to the ZOT staff away from those weenies in the DoD?
}
} No, I'm going to stay put for a while.
}
} BTW, I saw you and Ogwa at the Planet Hollywood opening.  She's some
} dish when she's not wearing skins and grease... and my compliments
} to your tailor.>


995-08    (8rxg7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Orrie, your wiseness.  I was wondering...
> all the lonely people, where do they all come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nowhereland.  But they need help.  They've had a hard day's night.
} Working eight days a week.
}
} You owe the Oracle the White Album.


995-09    (8ttfa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> listen you
> i'm the hell tired of your jokes
> tell me now & absolutly seriously
> how a computer can have a sense of humor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How can it, I won't answer.  Normal humans (non-MS developers) were
} not meant to be privy to this information.  What I can show you are
} examples of the humor, though sick as it may be.
}
} If computer's didn't have a sense of humor, how else could you
} explain...
}
} 1. Why does MS-Word always lose the most important documents and not
} the one's you don't want the boss to find?
}
} B.  Why does MS-Word label these numbers 1, then B, etc. rather than
} 1, 2...?
}
} iii) Why does the blue screen of death follow all operating systems,
} no matter what they are?  It even shows up on my VCR!
}
} IV] Why does the system hang just when you are trying to print off
} the work you've been doing for the last three months, just 15 minutes
} before the BIG MEETING with the customers?  AND you can't boot it
} back up because it messed up the network?  Then when it does come up,
} some other nimrod decides to print all the UNIX man pages, along with
} several books they downloaded off the net and never have any
} intention to read because they are all over 100 pages each?
}
} 5th} Why is ms-word still labelling these items so screwy?
}
} 6th} Wow, two labels in a row correct!
}
} vii} Why is it that when you *finally* get a MS- operating system /
} application to run correctly, they come out with a new one that your
} tech services people insist everyone upgrade.  Which introduces a
} whole new set of bugs.  Just when you are getting use to the old
} bugs.
}
} 8) Why is it that once you buy a computer, and it get's delivered on
} your door step, it is accompanied with a brochure selling the exact
} system for $400 less?
}
} IX) Why is it that with MS working on 28% profit margin, other
} software companies can't undercut them with their software, which
} sometimes is better?
}
} ten) Why is it that computer's allow supplicants to bother the oracle
} with a bunch of useless questions? [Not that your's falls under this
} category, of course.]
}
} 11) Why can't this program get these numbering's correct?
}
} Could this be that MS only produces crap?  Oh, I'm sure it doesn't.
}
} You owe the Oracle some good software.


995-10    (ccvkg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ug here! Ug say o-ra-kul many good. Ug mad Og hog all a-ten-shon. Ug
> know Ug more good than Og. Ug _many_ more good than Og! Ug want know
> how Ug get more a-ten-shon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Orrie!  We've got cave men in the basement again!"
}
} Dammit, the exterminator was here last week.  Let's see... (Opens door)
}
} > Me Ug.
}
} (Slams door)  Damn! A new one.  Ug, Og, Zog, and Thag.  Where's that
} Zot wand?  OKAY! YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS!  HERE I COME!!
}
} (Much carnage occurs as ZOTs and blows from spiky clubs are traded...
} until.)
}
} I think that's the last of them.
}
} > Zog want box with pictures.
}
} *ZOT*       [Thud]
}
} You owe the Oracle an original question, with no cavemen, high priests,
} work-study priests, or net.sex.goddesses.


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