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Internet Oracularities #996

Goto:
996, 996-01, 996-02, 996-03, 996-04, 996-05, 996-06, 996-07, 996-08, 996-09, 996-10


Internet Oracularities #996    (95 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   996
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

996   95 votes jDo94 5jFo6 9lDn3 jwsb5 ilwh7 hgplg 56ioG abntm 9cpuj 5myp9
996   3.1 mean  2.4   3.1   2.9   2.5   2.7   3.0   4.0   3.4   3.4   3.1


996-01    (jDo94 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who's answers are truly humankind's best friend,
>
> I've been reading about the dogs, cats, and Bright Red Siamese Fighting
> Fishes (brSff) that your followers talk about.  Do you have a pet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A whole zoo, supplicant, a whole zoo.
}
} HOI ZADOC!
}
} You called most splendid master, to whom I in comparison are the dung
} beetle in your dung, the tsetse fly flying over the plain where thy
} majestic herd runs free, the...
}
} Shut up Zadoc! Tell me. No, not *that* kind of tell me. What new
} animals have arrived today?
}
} The results of the Og-fest, most inspired and inspiring wonderness.
} One herd wooly mammoth, one gross mastedons, one herd satiny mammoth,
} three sabre-tooth tigers, one herd silky mammoh, and the scalps of
} fifty Cro-magnons.
}
} The scalps of fifty Cro-magnons? I don't remember asking for the
} scalps of fifty Cro-magnons?
}
} Og said that he threw them in for good luck. Seemed quite pleased with
} himself. What shall I do with the mammoths, oh most splendid master.
}
} Hmmm. Let's feed them to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
} That should be interesting. Has anybody given us any Christains
} recently?
}
} No, master, I apologise most profusely for the failings of us puny
} mortals.
}
} Pity, I'll be up in the auditorium in five minutes. Be ready.
}
} Though, supplicant, I've never been all that good at looking after
} them properly.
}
} You owe The Oracle some dirt on the head of the local Royal Society
} for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.


996-02    (5jFo6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, You who have more wisdom in your whole
> body than You have in Your little finger, please tell me:
>
> Wwih Oracularity Digest #1000 coming up, I'd like to know, what steps
> have been taken to counter the Oracle Millenium Bug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 100 square metres of extra high strength flypaper and very big can
} of Raid should do the trick.
}
} You owe the oracle a 1 gigavolt bug zapper


996-03    (9lDn3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fantabulous and flake-like Oracle whose socks never reek...
> Where can I find a nice apartment with reasonable rent, 2 baths,
> 2 bedrooms, carpet or hardwood flooring, a dishwasher, and a washer
> and dryer furnished for $625 or less in the Central Kentucky area?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scattered in pieces around the construction site for that nice new
} industrial complex going up in downtown Lancaster.  Sorry.
}
} The Internet Oracle owes you a lifetime supply of Krazy Glue.


996-04    (jwsb5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are always well and always free of mucus, you that never
> hacks up lung-butter nor has to use a kleenex, please answer my
> question. . .
>
> What is the best way to deal with a common cold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With respect to the buck-toothed talk show host on a major U.S.
} network, _I_ was here first, and _I_ had a Top whatever list
} loooooonnnnnnnnggggg before he did!  <scoffs>  Anyways,.....AHEM,
} the Oracle's Top 19 Ways to Deal With a Common Cold:
}
} 19. Set your hair on fire.  It won't help the cold but you will forget
}     about it.
} 18. Don't get sick.
} 17. Go on a 2 week whiskey binge.
} 16. Find a health food store willing to sell lung butter as bagel
}     topping.
} 15. Start flossing your nostrils to clean out unwanted viral
}     contaminants.
} 14. Move to the Biosphere since noone is there and noone will infect
}     you henceforth.
} 13. Buy stock in Proctor & Gamble, most likely the maker of your nose
}     wipe.
} 12. Try eating from your pet's dish (ever seen a dog or cat with a
}     cold??).
} 11. Get some empty oyster shells and start your own bootleg seafood
}     operation with phlem.
} 10. Start snorting rockstar amounts of cocaine since thereafter you
}     won't be able to tell if you have a cold or not.
} 9.  Take all the used kleenex and decorate a St Patrick's Day Parade
}     float (or any other convenient holiday).
} 8.  Go use an enemy's toothbrush!
} 7.  Cough in the boss' face.
} 6.  Carelessly guffaw in an elevator, coating all the occupents with
}     viral particles.
} 5.  Get started writings your memoirs, you should have plenty of time to
}     finish.
} 4.  Be thankful you didn't light your hair on fire.
} 3.  Gauge your ability to bite through oysters vs. lung cookies.
} 2.  Use a steam bath to make sure you sinuses REALLY get clogged up.
} 1.  Cough up on canvas and sell your work to a famous gallery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a framed original work entitled Cookies at Night


996-05    (ilwh7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dies irae, dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla, teste David
> cum Sibylla.  Quantus tremor est futurus, Quando judex est
> venturus, cuncta stricte discussurus!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZOT!  Supplicantum est divisa in partes tres.


996-06    (hgplg dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For computer removable drive:
>
> What is the different of these two removable cartridge drive, Iomega
> zip 100 and Syquest SparQ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og here. Og know answer. Og tell you answer:
}
} Og take big spiky club. Og smash SparQ drive. SparQ drive hard. SparQ
} drive not break in many pieces. SparQ drive not fun.
}
} Og smash zip drive with big spiky club. Zip drive not hard. Zip drive
} break in great many pieces. Zip drive all over cave floor. Og laugh.
} Ogwa laugh. Oglings laugh.
}
} Zip drive great big fun. Og want more zip drives. You give Og great
} many zip drives.


996-07    (56ioG dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, I've been reading through these 'Oracularities' things, and had a
> really hard time finding many of them amusing, much less outright
> funny. I'm guessing it's because of the excess inside jokes and
> references. F'rinstance, who is this Lisa person? What's the problem
> with woodchucks? What does 'Zadoc' mean? What the hell is 'Zot', and
> why does the oracle deem it to be an appropriate response to so many
> questions? What's the deal with Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish? What
> is Og, and why is it so frequently here? (Same goes for mysterious
> 'Thag', 'Ogwa', 'Oglings', etc.) Why are questioners of the Oracle
> (apparently derisively referred to as 'supplicants') supposed to
> grovel? If you're so omniscient, don't you *know* how (allegedly) great
> and magnificent you are? And who in their right mind thinks a 5:1 scale
> model of the Titanic, filled with garlic flavored cheez-whiz, is
> appropriate recompense for the fifth through fortieth decimal digits of
> pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key to resolving this issue is to understand the essence of the
} Oracle. Contrary to the image presented in many of the Oracularities,
} the Oracle is not a person -- it is an ethereal awarness, infinite and
} ineffable. However, to communicate with humans, the Oracle has to
} possess an Incarnation -- who is, in the end, human. The guises humans
} assume in time shape their thinking; similarly, the Incarnation chosen
} by the Oracle defines the answers given.
}
} Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. However, throughout history,
} whenever deities have chosen to speak to humans directly, a mythology
} has sprung up, perverting the original ideals. The Oracle is no
} exception. These "inside jokes and references" are the trappings of a
} complicated, gratuitous religious structure obscuring the reality of
} the Oracle. For the purposes of this study, we will refer to this
} religion as Rhodism.
}
} Luckily for you, the Oracle has chosen an atheistic, skeptical student
} of world religions for an Incarnation this time round. (Either that or
} a pathological liar. The Oracle sometimes has a problem telling the
} difference.)
}
} > [W]ho is this Lisa person?
}
} In the mythos, Lisa is the Girlfriend of the Oracle. Note the use of
} "girlfriend", rather than "bride" or "wife", as is more traditional.
} Almost certainly a reflection of the decay of the institution of
} marriage in modern society. Lisa is normally portrayed as beautiful,
} seductive, and lustful; she is sought after by all. It is interesting
} that, despite this, she avoids the "Harlot" label that many religions
} affix to women who express their sexuality. This is attributable to the
} demographics of the Rhoditess; net.geeks fantasize about and desire
} sex. In many respects, Lisa is the Rhodite substitute for the Christian
} Heaven.
}
} > What's the problem with woodchucks?
}
} Historically, the aversion to woodchucks was, in fact, an aversion to
} the question, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck
} could chuck wood?" Given that this is a fairly obvious question to ask,
} and that the original tenets of the Oracle were rooted in the concept
} of original and creative humour, this aversion is quite understandable.
} Modern Rhodites, however, have ceased using "woodchuck" as a referent
} to the chucking wood question, and have vilified the woodchuck in its
} own right. Now, The Woodchuck stands as the Evil One of Rhodism, the
} Anti-Oracle, the scapegoat for all evils in the world. This is hardly
} surprising; every western religion in history was eventually forced to
} adopt or create a Devil figure.
}
} > What does 'Zadoc' mean?
}
} Zadoc is the High Priest of the Oracle. He is portrayed as a
} snivelling, stupid, grovelling worm; in fact, "Worm" is a common
} pseudonym. One myth tells of the time that Zadoc betrayed and abandoned
} the Oracle, taking Lisa with him; this incident clearly highlights that
} Zadoc is the Judas figure of Rhodism. As is traditional with the Judas,
} Zadoc returned to the Oracle and begged forgiveness. While the Oracle
} did return Zadoc to his original position, it was following this
} episode that the "Worm" persona was fully established. The message is
} clear. Neither forgive nor forget: subjugate. It is one of the uglier
} sides of Rhodism.
}
} > What the hell is 'Zot', and why does the oracle deem it to be an
} > appropriate response to so many questions?
}
} A "Zot" is the blast of energy inflicted by the Oracle's "Staff of
} Zot". Zeus had lighting bolts; Thor had Mjolnir; the Oracle has a Staff
} of Zot. Some type of divine punishment of any violoations of the
} precepts of the relgion is common. Thus, a failure to grovel, any
} reference to the Woodchuck, an improper reference to Lisa, etc. can all
} earn a Zot, just as taking the Lord's name in vain will earn a Catholic
} a Hail Mary or two. The irony, of course, is the Oracle was originally
} devoted to original humour -- the constant reusage of the Zot is only
} of the inconsistencies of modern Rhodism.
}
} > What's the deal with Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish?
}
} Some Rhodites have Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish. They're cool. They
} have no religious significance. They don't need them. After all,
} milligram for milligram, they are the fiercest fighting creatures on
} the planet.
}
} > What is Og, and why is it so frequently here? (Same goes for
} > mysterious 'Thag', 'Ogwa', 'Oglings', etc.)
}
} Og (masc.; Ogwa, fem.; Ogling, young Og or Ogwa) is supposed to be a
} Neanderthal figure who occasionally petitions the Oracle. Here, Rhodism
} shows its pagan influences in the inclusion of a tribe of beast-people,
} similar to the dwarfs of the Norse mythos. Likely, Og is intended as a
} lesson in humility: to the Oracle, no supplicant is any more than a
} primitive caveman beating lizards with a club.
}
} Thag is rather anomalous. He is an Incarnation of the Oracle who has
} been incorporated into the mythos, in violation of the usual anonymity
} of Incarnations. His origins are misty; likely, he started off as one
} of the first Rhodites. As time progressed, and more converts joined,
} there would have been a tendency to refer to him, jokingly perhaps, as
} a "caveman," due to his longtime presence. The Priesthood, which
} historically has shown little hestitation for manipulating the
} Rhodites, would have seized on this and incorporated stories of "Thag,
} the first Incarnation" into indoctrination, in an attempt to make
} Rhodism seem older than it actually is. The fact that the Incarnation
} Neanderthal is obviously brighter and superior to the supplicant
} Neanderthal serves as reaffirmation that practioners of Rhodism are
} superior to the rest of humanity.
}
} > Why are questioners of the Oracle (apparently derisively referred to
} > as 'supplicants') supposed to grovel?
}
} Requiring explicit homage to the focus of a religion is the simplest
} method to establish the supremacy of that religion. Again, this
} practice was likely encouraged by the Rhodite Priesthood. If you must
} submit to the Oracle, then you must also submit to the Priesthood by
} implication, as they are the Oracle's agents. Using "Fear-of-God" to
} establish secular power is nothing new. The corruption of the term
} "supplicant" is another example of this. Since you are asking the
} Oracle a question, you are, by the definition in the OED, a supplicant;
} but Rhodism has inextricably linked "supplicant" with "cringe",
} "inferior", and "snivel".
}
} > If you're so omniscient, don't you
} > *know* how (allegedly) great and magnificent you are?
}
} See above. As well, since Rhodites are also Incarnations, the
} insistence on grovelling ensures that the Rhodites themselves will
} receive benefits, emphasizing the supposed superiority of Rhodism.
}
} > And who in their
} > right mind thinks a 5:1 scale model of the Titanic, filled with
} > garlic flavored cheez-whiz, is appropriate recompense for the fifth
} > through fortieth decimal digits of pi?
}
} Offerings to the deity are a traditional manner to express worship;
} very often, the offering demanded is one which relates to the essential
} humour of the Oracularity. In many ways, the offering is the facet of
} Rhodism which is closest to the original spirit of the Oracle. However,
} the complexity of the offering demanded has shown a tendency to
} increase as the influence of Rhodism spreads. As mentioned above,
} Rhodism is not a "nice" religion. It draws strongly on the premise that
} the supplicant is strictly less than the Oracle, and always at the
} Oracle's whims. Demanding herculean efforts to repay the Oracle's
} answers is simply another way to highlight the inequality of the
} relationship.
}
} There you have it, supplicant, the mythology of Rhodism revealed. As
} for the true message of the Oracle, it is best summarized as follows:
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer and another question.


996-08    (abntm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bad good
> white black
> back front
> Og

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh good, Og's discovered music! Cheers, everyone, cheers!
} Kendai! Hit the lights!
}
} <The lights drop to total darkness. A voice booms over loudspeakers>
}
} "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mount Olympus Hotel and Casino's Starlight
} Lounge is proud to present... for your musical enjoyment... "
}
} <spotlight shines on the stage where a lone figure in a leopard-print
} sequined loin cloth and a crooked bow-tie leans on a solitary stool>
}
} "Og!"
}
} <crowd goes nuts>
} <a soft piano plays lightly... Og sings...>
}
} It not rich?
} Are we not pair?
} Og here on ground,
} you in air.
} Where are clowns?
} Ought to be clowns.
} No bother, they here.
}
} <music turns upbeat>
}
} Hey!
}
} <og starts snapping his fingers>
}
} Spread news, Og leaving today
} Og want be part of it - New York, New York
} Og want wake up in city, that no sleep
} Find Og king of hill - top of heap
} Og number one!
}
} <music slows to just piano again>
}
} But serious Folks. Og no have easy life. Og hunt dinner. Og struggle
} support Ogwa and little Og Junior. Then, Fortune smile on Og. Og find
} song in heart. Og sing, Og make people happy. But it not easy, no sir,
} Og still find trouble. Og work. Og work to make people happy. Og
} work...
}
} <piano stops>
}
} To make *you* happy.
}
} <Og points at the audience, which goes nuts. Music suddenly picks up
}  again>
}
} And now, end is near, and so Og face the final curtain,
}      My friend, Og say it clear, Og state Og case, of which Og certain.
} Og live life that full,
} Og travelled each and every highway,
}
} <music crescendoes>
}
} And more, much more than this, Og did it Og way.
}
} <music drops down again to just piano>
}
} And now, Og do song by Og good friend, Robert Flack
}
} First time ever Og saw Ogwa face
} Og thought sun rose in Ogwa eyes
} And moon and stars gifts Ogwa gave
} To dark and empty skies, my Ogwa,
} To dark and empty skies.
}
} <music plays a familiar three-note scale, the crowd hears it and goes
}  berzerk>
}
} Jeremiah was a bullfrog
} Was a good friend of Og
} Og never understood a word he say
} But Og help him drink him wine
} And him always had mighty fine wine
}
} Joy to world
} All boys and girls
} Joy to fishies in deep blue sea
} Joy to you and Og
}
} <crowd is on their feet now, clapping and cheering>
}
} Thank you! Good night! Og love you!
}
} <Zadoc comes on stage and wraps a white towel around Og. Og wipes his
} face off, then throws the towel into the audience. Og walks off stage.
} Crowd continues to cheer, chanting "Encore! Encore!" Og staggers back
} onto the stage with a bottle of gin in one hand and a microphone in the
} other.>
}
} Og not leave and not sing special song.
}
} Oh... my Ogwa... my darling
} Og hunger for your touch... alone... lonely time
} And time go by, slowly, time do so much,
} Are you still Og's?
} Og need your love.
} Og need your love.
} God speed your love to Og.
} Lonely river flow to sea, to sea,
} To open arms of sea.
} Lonely river sigh, wait for Og, wait for Og,
} Og come home, wait for Og.
} Whoa! My Ogwa, my darling,
} Og hunger, hunger!, for Ogwa love,
} For love.  Lonely time.
} And time go by, slowly,
} And time do much,
} Are you still Og?
} Og need Ogwa love.
} Og need Ogwa love.
} God speed Ogwa love to Og.
}
} Thank you! Thank you! Goodnight! Og love you all!
}
} <Og walks off stage. Lights dim, then return to normal. Crowd orders
}  dinner.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a vinyl copy of "Og Sing Great Love Songs"


996-09    (9cpuj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How will Bill Gates meet his demise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here shall be the schedule of events that lead to the demise of the
} Microsoft Man:
}
} February 4th, 1998
} - Bill Gates is hit by a cream pie in Brussels.  Unbeknownst to all
} involved (including the guy who threw the pie), the pie had been made
} in a less-than-clean kitchen, and trace amounts of a rare bacteria were
} residing in the cream.
}
} February 6th, 1998
} - Gates gets the sniffles and feels kind of achy, but suspects nothing.
}
} February 7th, 1998
} - Gates comes down with the flu, but the media is prevented from
} hearing about it, lest misunderstandings arise involving "Microsoft"
} and "virus." - A doctor injects Gates with a new super-flu-battling
} antibiotic.
}
} February 9th, 1998
} - Gates emerges, seeming perfectly healthy.
}
} February 14, 1998
} - Gates receives some Valentine chocolates.  He eats several, not
} knowing that the preservative in one of the delectable treats will
} immediately react with the remnants of the antibiotic injection to
} result in abnormal cell division, which leads to tumor growth in his
} spleen.
}
} March 23, 1998
} - The cancerous cells have multiplied and taken over Gates' body as
} fast and as brutally as Internet Explorer has taken over the browser
} market - both by forcing themselves into every system they can.
}
} April 18, 1998
} - Gates feels sick, is taken to hospital, and the cancer is detected.
}
} April - July 1998
} - Chemotherapy and associated treatments are performed.
}
} July 13, 1998
} - Gates appears in public for the first time in his new wig to announce
} Microsoft Virtual Hair 98.
}
} October 12, 1998
} - The cancer is found to be in remission.  Much partying at Microsoft
} ensues.
}
} November 6, 1999
} - Gates feels kind of pukey again, and is taken to the hospital, where
} it is found that the cancer is back.
}
} November 14, 1999
} - A new experimental procedure is attempted to rid Gates' body of the
} cancer once and for all.  It will take several weeks, be excruciatingly
} painful, but is expected to be successful.
}
} December 23, 1999
} - A weak and ravaged Gates is placed on temporary life support as the
} treatment is concluded.  No cancerous cells are left in his body.  He
} is expected to wake and begin physiotherapy within two weeks.  A full
} and permanent recovery is likely.
}
} January 1, 2000, midnight
} - The hospital equipment operates on a network powered by Win 3.1 for
} workgroups...which turns out to not be year 2000 compliant.  The
} hospital network shuts down, including all time-regulated machines.
} Gates' respirator stops, and his soul passes to another realm, without
} the option to undelete.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pre-release copy of Microsoft Virtual Hair 98,
} which should become available in 1999.


996-10    (5myp9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who I am not worthy to ask a question to, but who lets me
> anyway out of the kindness of his heart,
>
> I have heard you have Zadoc and Og there, but what other people
> are floating around in the Oracular palace?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I do indeed have Zadoc and Og here.  I am currently punishing them
} for messing with the gravity generators in the palace.  Now that the
} generators have been fixed, nobody is floating around in here.
}
} You owe the Oracle some magnetic boots.


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