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Internet Oracularities #998

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Internet Oracularities #998    (99 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

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998   99 votes ioAg5 kmwj6 gFy80 buCh3 7loxe b7cuD 8yzk2 8isve 6mxsa 6crvn
998   3.0 mean  2.7   2.7   2.3   2.7   3.3   3.8   2.7   3.3   3.1   3.5


998-01    (ioAg5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Og, we've all ready your CV, could you please explain to the
> selection panel why you believe that you are a suitable candidate for
> the Yellow Cab taxi company?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og float like butterfly.  Og sting like bee.  Og not speak English.  Og
} not know way around.  Og have no sense for direction.  Og not know how
} to make change.  This make Og perfect cab driver.
}
} You owe Og copy of "Complete Oi! Shakespeare"


998-02    (kmwj6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty and Wonderous Oracle, who has yet to need the infamous
> WonderBra.
>
> What does one to say to the ones that they have nothing to say to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


998-03    (gFy80 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most intuitive, who understands the value of a packet of Tim
> Tams that never runs out:
>
> I refer you to a quote from the song, "New York, New York":
> "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere"
>
> What exactly was he intending to make in New York?  Was it legal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Happiness. And not in New York.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subway token and some cab-driver beads.


998-04    (buCh3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou for whom no mighty redwood would be too heavy to
> hurl as a primitive intercontinental ballistic missile.
>
> Oracle, we all know that the woodchuck question is so old hat, that an
> instant ZOT is the rightful response to anyone who asks it. But, surely
> there must have been a first time that the question was asked. Looking
> at it objectively, it is a pretty funny question. So, what was your
> reaction the first time that it was asked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Abject horror.
}
} You forget, I'm omniscient.  I *knew* I would receive thousands, if
} not millions, of copies of the Woodchuck Question during my tenure on
} the Internet.  Now I view the arrival of another Woodchuck Question
} with the sort of detached resignation that one might feel towards news
} of another inevitable Microsoft acquisition: it happened, it's going
} to keep on happening, and nothing short of a nuclear weapon will keep
} it from happening.
}
} Normally I'd <ZOT!> you for even asking a question remotely connected
} to the dreaded Woodchuck Question, but I've switched to decaf and feel
} much more mellow...


998-05    (7loxe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Julianna? Julianna Avedon? This is your father speaking? Julianna,
> we've been worried about you joining this 'Internet Oracle' cult.
> Julianna, we love you and only want what is best for you. Julianna,
> we've got a nice man who was recommended to us and can help you.
> Julianna, no, don't hang up. Please, we're your *parents*, we *love*
> you. We would never do anything against you our most darling daughter.
> Julianna, you must understand, this 'Internet Oracle' is not the
> all-seeing all-knowning being that you believe him to be. Julianna, you
> must believe us, he's an evil scheming man and he his controlling your
> mind. Julianna, we don't ask you to leave the cult, we only ask you to
> talk to this nice man. Just for one day, could you just come home for
> one day. One day, that's all we ask for and we promise we'll let you go
> back to The Internet Oracle if you still feel you want to. Please,
> Julianna. Please....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dad, you don't understand, Ian Davis told me all about how you want to
} take me away from my friends, and I don't want to do that.  Paul Kelly
} said that I would be eaten alive by bright red Siamese fighting fish if
} I ever leave. You really should join us, it's beautiful here.  We get
} up in the morning and have gruel for breakfast.  Then we spend two
} hours chanting,
}       Oh Oracle most wise, please lead us on the rhod to wisdom.
}       We subjugate ourselves to you.
}       We ask that you look past our shortcomings
}               and not ZOT us.
}       We look to the priesthood in all things.
}       We turn our backs on the evils of society
}               just to serve you.
}       We avoid mention of the infernal Woodchuck
}               please don't hurt us.
}       And finally, we know you're not as evil scheming man who is
} controlling our minds... High Priest Zadoc told us so.
}
} See Dad?  It's right there in the chant, I'm not being mind controlled.
} I wasn't brain washed, Tom Harrington (we all call him "Tom") called
} it "brain dry cleaning."  So you have nothing to worry about.
}
} Sorry, Dad, I have to go.  It's Kirsten's and my shift.  What?  Oh, we
} have to go beat our heads on the floor before the Oracle.  Bye, Dad.


998-06    (b7cuD dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey there Orrie, let's write a story together!
>
> I'll go first.
>
> "Once upon a time, there was a bright red Siamese fighting fish..."
>
> Your turn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please.  You call that a beginning?  <crumple crumple>  Let's try this:
}
}                                 MOBY DORK
}
} Call me Fishmeal.  Some years ago--never mind how long precisely --
} having little or no sense in my head, and nothing particular to
} interest me at work, I thought I would surf about a little and see the
} newsgroups of the world.
}
} There I met up with Og, a huge man of a primitive sort who took a
} liking to me and soon became so firmly attached to me that I could not
} shake him even when I wanted to.  We signed aboard a promising little
} newsgroup known as The R.h.o.d. in search of adventure.
}
} And what a crew we had fallen in with!  The chief mate was a lively man
} named Zadoc, who drank only overpriced coffee from Seattle.  Og was
} delighted to find a pair of fellow spiky club carriers named Thag and
} Zog. Various shady characters busied themselves, bustling back and
} forth with askmes and tellmes.  And a clan of dark, brooding men known
} only as the Priesthood kept watch over us all.
}
} After a good while of surfing together, with no purpose apparent, I
} asked of the good chief mate where we were bound.  "We have a mission,"
} says he, sipping of his mocha latte, "to go where our captain decrees."
}
} "This lot has a captain?" says I, not a little surprised.
}
} "Aye," says Zadoc grimly.  "Have ye not noticed the thing that
} interests us all more than anything else?"
}
} "You must be speaking of Siamese fighting fish," I says with a chuckle.
} His icy glare alerts me that it is no laughing matter.
}
} "Aye, and not just any Siamese fighting fish, lad," says Zadoc.  "We
} surf for the bright red Siamese fighting fish!"
}
} "Bright red!" says I.  "That fish is but a legend!"
}
} "Nay, not a legend!  I have seen it, and it is, milligram for
} milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.  The captain wants --"
}
} But I was not to hear yet what the captain wanted, for at that moment,
} he made his presence known.  He was a dark and incomprehensible man, a
} man feared and avoided, known only as The Oracle.  With a slow and
} seething stride he approached the crew, but seemed to look through us
} and beyond to a far place where his unfathomable anger was focused.
}
} "Have ye seen the bright red Siamese fighting fish?" he called to
} Zadoc.
}
} "N-no, captain!" cried Zadoc, suddenly subservient, his latte spilling
} into his lap.
}
} The Oracle's face began to darken in fury, and the crew and Priesthood
} recoiled in terror.  As The Oracle lifted his hand, every man of us
} cried out, and then, suddenly -- the cabin door burst open and a
} gorgeous blonde in a pink bikini bounced down the deck to stand beside
} him.
}
} "Oh, Orrie!" she squeals.  "This is so romantic!  What a wonderful
} idea!" She turns to Zadoc and tweaks his ear playfully. "Mr. Zadoc,
} what about that bright red Siamese fighting fish?"
}
} "Hmm?" says Zadoc.
}
} "The fish is not here!" thunders the Oracle.  "The crew will continue
} to search night and day, with every muscle in their blasted bodies, as
} if their very lives depended on it!  Now, Lisa, come with me, and we'll
} we'll visit the buffet and do a little sunbathing."
}
} "Cool!" coos Lisa, and accompanies the Oracle back up the deck.
}
} "Who was that?" says I, when the cruising couple passes out of sight.
}
} "Hmm?" says Zadoc.  "Oh!  Her!  That was Lisa."  He says her name as if
} waking from a dream.  "She it was that inspired this voyage."
}
} "How so?"
}
} ... "One day, upon perusing the happenings aboard The R.h.o.d., she
} heard the sad request of a small child.  It seems that Alex Kelly,
} whose father of course owns a very famous Siamese fighting fish, had
} herself obtained a similar fish, and, in the way of young girls,
} earnestly desired that hers might become even more famous than her
} father's.  Lisa, hearing the dream of young Alex, took it upon herself
} to, er, persuade the Oracle to search for a bright red Siamese fighting
} fish whose photo they might take, thus scanning it into a merry JPEG
} file, which could then be posted on the Internet, whereby Alex's fish
} might have its own web page, and thus, satisfy her dream (Alex's, not
} the fish's) of becoming more famous than her father's fish."
}
} "I see!" says I, not completely certain that I did, but unwilling to
} hear the tale explained in greater depth.  "And that is why we now hunt
} for--"
}
} "The bright red Siamese fighting fish!" cried the lookout.  "Off the
} port bow!"  He waved wildly to indicate the fierce creature.
}
} At once the crew rushed to the gunwale to catch a glimpse.  Then, as
} one, our attention was drawn to the rear deck as the Oracle, wiping
} suntan lotion from his hands, strode purposefully forward.  As if by
} magic, a space cleared from before him as he approached.  Without a
} word, he stood steadfast and drew slowly from its scabbard a camera
} with a telephoto lens.
}
} "Bearings, Mr. Zadoc!" the Oracle shouted.
}
} "Bright red Siamese fighting fish at 280 degrees, captain!  It's in
} the, um, small fishbowl next to the lamp."
}
} Slowly, unerringly, the Oracle raised the camera, patiently focusing
} and re-focusing, aligning the sights with infinite care.  Time and
} nature seemed to stand still as we all watched him, standing, waiting
} for the perfect moment.  As if it were the heart of the universe at the
} very moment of creation, we watched his shutter finger close, down,
} down, down until with a resounding click, the photograph was taken, and
} the instant was over.
}
} "Get this developed," muttered the Oracle, tossing the camera to Zadoc
} and turning back up the deck.  "Scan it, slap it on a web page, and
} make sure Lisa can find it for a couple of days.  Let's get out of
} here."  Then, with a slam of his door, he was gone.
}
} "Wait a minute!" says I.  "What about the foreshadowing of death and
} evil? What about the heavy hand of fate?  What about the final battle?
} What about the ultimate defeat of the Oracle?"
}
} With a gasp, the others drew back from me.  Before I could comprehend
} what was at work, the door flew open again and I was zotted by a burst
} of energy until I was no more than a crisp black spot on the deck.
} Without a word, the Oracle once again closed his door, and the crew
} swept my ashes overboard.  And now you know why they call me Fishmeal.
}
} You owe the Oracle the movie rights.


998-07    (8yzk2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose brain is so large it will never
> *quite* be rotted out from watching too much telly, tell me:
> how *do* I learn to stop worrying and love the bomb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As with everything in life, it's all a matter of perspective.
}
} You could go on worrying and hating it, but this won't do anyone
} any good.  Sure, you could join the protest groups, casting yourself
} amongst the screaming hordes who whine and complain incessantly when
} it is far too late to do anything about it.
}
} You could visit sites associated with this tragic element of our
} modern world, gazing upon the hills of now infertile sands, shaking
} your head sadly, knowing that it can never be as it was before.
}
} You could think about the people involved: its creators, who deserve
} your scorn and disgust for their willingness to sell out to the wicked
} cause that would support the project in the first place; its victims,
} who may never recover from the terrifying experience.
}
} But all of this will do nothing, in the end, other than cause you
} and everyone around you grief and pain.
}
} So what you must learn to do, supplicant, is rise above the hysteria
} and carve your own path.
}
} I say, get over the bomb already!  Just because Ishtar was a really,
} really, bad movie, is no reason to worry about it needlessly.  As for
} learning to love it, well you could love it from the perspective of
} being a humbling event for Dustin Hoffman, who went on to make other
} great films like Rainman thereafter, perhaps inspired by this failure.
} Heck, he won an Oscar for Rainman, which was right after Ishtar,
} so that bomb must have inspired the subsequent great performance to
} some degree.
}
} You owe the Oracle some popcorn.


998-08    (8isve dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most logical,
>
> What is predicate calculus, and how might it be used as a general
> solution to the Woodchuck Question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Predicate calculus is a form of symbolic logic involving predicates.
} Predicates may be viewed in several ways; some of the most useful ways
} of using predicates are to indicate properties of individuals, to group
} individuals into sets or classes, and to show relationships between
} individuals.
}
} A couple of examples may help to clarify this.
}
} 1.  The formula O(x) may be used to indicate "x is omniscient."  This
} is an example of using a predicate to show an individual's properties.
}
} 2.  The formula L(x,y) may be used to indicate "x likes y."  This shows
} how a predicate can describe a relationship between two individuals.
} Note that the order of x and y is important.  L(x,y) does not
} necessarily imply L(y,x).
}
} In these examples, O and L are the predicates, and x and y designate
} individuals.  In general, in predicate calculus, upper case is used for
} predicates and lower case for individuals.  There is one exception to
} this: when referring to specific individuals, so one could write O(O)
} to indicate "The Oracle is omniscient."  As you can see, this can get a
} little confusing, so it's best to avoid this whenever possible.
}
} I'm going to have some notational difficulties answering your question,
} because predicate calculus uses some symbols which don't appear in the
} ASCII character set.  So I'm just going to have to redefine a few.
} Bear with me for a few minutes.
}
} I shall use the operators *, +, and - to indicate AND, OR, and NOT.
} The arrow for implication will be written ->.  Predicate calculus also
} uses an upside down A and E to represent the phrases "For all" and
} "There exists". I'll write these as @ and #, respectively.  The phrase
} "such that" which is almost always used along with # will be
} represented by a vertical bar |. Square brackets [] may be used to
} group complex formulae.  In the absence of brackets, the precedence of
} operators is -, *, +, ->, # and @.  Is that all perfectly clear?
}
} Actually, I'm not going to use all of those symbols.  But hang on to
} them anyway; you never know when they might come in handy.
}
} Okay, now on to the meat of your question.  The following two axioms
} can be used to find a solution for the Woodchuck Question:
}
} #o|O(o)*[@s@qA(s,o,q) * W(q) -> B(o,s)]
} @o@sO(o) * B(o,s) -> Z(s)
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Goedel, Escher, and Bach.


998-09    (6mxsa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, to whom all the world's a grapefruit and all the people
> merely squirting in his eye, how does one ork a cow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Timely and relevant grovel, Supplicant. But we seem to have
} lost at least one letter in transmission. Hmm... let's look
} at some definitions:
}
} Aork - Found in Dr. Seuss, meaning obscure:
}       "It's A-OK to Aork a cow,
}        The trouble is, we don't know how. "
} Bork - Muppet Swedish for "cook." Yummie!
} Cork - Not a good idea. Too much methane production.
} Dork - Not advisiable due to beastiality laws.
} Eork - Dressing cow up like a donkey.
} Fork - See "Cork." (This also covers "spork").
} Gork - Traditional Dancing Russian Cow troupe.
} Hork - Canadian for "to steal." (Void where prohibited by law.)
} Iork - To conjugate: I Ork, You Ork, He Orks, She Orks, They Ork.
} Jork - Sports Cow. a.k.a. Mascot of the Batteling Bovines.
} Kork - See "Cork." It's just plain bad, I'm warning you!
} Lork - Holds in the secrets of the Milk-Key-Way. (get it?)
} Mork - calling Orson! Mork calling Orson! Come in, Orson!
} Nork - Now, now... little Norkie never hurt anyone.
} Oork - First name of cow. Credit to Og, Caveman, sat on by cow.
} Pork - What do you get when you cross a pig and a cow?
}       A ham and cheese sandwich!
} Qork - An especially aggressive capitalist cow.
} Rork - Scooby Dooism for "work." Something Scooby and Shaggy
}       try to avoid at all costs.
} Sork - Strained cow. If it's sork, it's been working too hard.
} Tork - Beloved Christmas character, patterened after Peter of
}       the Monkees, The Little Drummer Cow.
} Uork - More conjugation. See "Iork."
} Vork - Vork Speed. The speed at which milk goes bad as it
}       approaches the expiration date. Scientific concept
}       found in the TV show, "Store Trek."
} Work - Aerobic Milking.
} Xork - Formerly Orked.
} York - When I bite into a cow, I get the sensation that I'm
}       not a mere carnivore, but the Mighty T-REX!
} Zork - What do you mean, You sold the cow for a handfull of
}       Magic Zorkmids? You take those right back to Infocom!
}
} You owe the Oracle an all-expense paid trip to Orkney, UK.


998-10    (6crvn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you hear the one about the American, the Englishman, and the
> Windows 98 support technician?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. It's a lie. Nobody *supports* Windows 98.


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