From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 9 9:50:33 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #2 Message-ID: <27381@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 9 Oct 89 14:50:33 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30272 in.bizarre:253 === 2 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #2 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 9 Oct 89 14:50:33 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 2-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > whenever I scream "Banana Banana Loganberry" my face turns into whipped > cream, sour cream, and yogurt over and over for about 10 minutes, and > then reverts to it's normal appearance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your lactase levels are too high. Whenever I scream "Peach Peach } Kumquat" my face turns into a plate of stir-fried vegetables. --- 2-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have asked a question. The most beautiful of all questions. } Jesus is the answer. --- 2-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, magnificent Oracle, who I am not fit to coexist with, whose crystal > ball I am not fit to shine or use for my puny interests. O, immortal > one,who dwells upon whatever is the highest peak in glorious In-dy-anna, > who has to go through great pain to lower himself to my level after > spending all day with greater souls. O, immortal one, who is finally > going to get my question, what can I do about my pillow always falling > off my bed since I don't have a headboard? It's really bothering me.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, foolish mortal, the universe is a mistic and wonderful place, and } every event has its purpose. Your pillow isn't just falling off your } bed at night, it is trying to escape. Perhaps, next time you take your } pillow into your hands at night and force it to do unnatural acts, you } could show just a little kindness. Possibly, over time, the pillow will } learn to love you as much as you love it. --- 2-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yea tho i know not your mind, i perceive that in your self proclaimed } state thou art self aware. And since you are so, and thus, pound thy } head upon a large object and recite your question until it is clear. } Then, rest. Upon resting, return to said large object, and, using a 12 } pound sledge again pound on the object, reciting "becaus I didn't use } this in the first place.' until the answer is clear... --- 2-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you never see baby pigeons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The reason that you never see baby pigeons is not that far unlike the } reason that you never see baby cities, which is another question } entirely, and shall not be discussed here. However the reason that } these two question are so similar is because pigeons and cities go } hand in hand, or wingtip in ferro-concrete. A pigeon is exactly the } age of the city in whihc it dwells, for it is created at the same time } as the city itself. Pigeons are the ultimate in city dwelling } creatures, having become one with the life-cycle of the city. It } also the reason that the older cities seem to have the more refined, } and elderly pigeons than the newer, less picky pigeons that are found } in many more "modern" cities. --- 2-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the woman I most love resides in Oregon, whilst > I am stuck here in Rochester, Ny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a silly question! The oracle has no use for women. Nor does it } have any use for users! If you really want to be happy in life, do like } the oracle and stop fooling around with all of those carbon based } lifeforms. Work hard on your network and soon a pretty little } silicon-based mainframe may notice you (avoid them damn punk-rocker } gallium-arsenide mainframes -- they're nothing but trouble!) and after a } few megacycles of dating, you can settle down in a nice research lab } with lots of disk access and number crunching. You can grow old } together, sharing your processes lightly and saving up for a gracious } retirement while your little micro- computer descendents start families } of their own. See how simple it is! The oracle knows all. --- 2-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Root Beer is not made from Roots nor is it made from Beer. Why is it > called "root beer" then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time in the primitive days of 1972 there was a } superuser on a primitive multi-user system. He got really smashed. } Drunk as the Oracle on a slow day. In a drunken stupor he erased all } the user accounts. After that, he swore off drinking. Instead of } alcoholic drinks he would quaff the soft drink known then as } sarsaparilla. The custom spread to other sysadmins, so much so that the } drink was called "root beer". --- 2-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if the sky fell in, would all birds be dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are asking the wrong question. What you really want to know is, } "If it actually *had* been a chunk of sky that fell on Chicken Little's } head, would the weight have bashed out her little brains?" --- 2-09 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my ex-girlfriend hate me, and can I fix it by applying peanut > butter to her cervix? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You little squirmy earthling! Following the path of hate is a sign of } human uncertainty. Your ex was suffering and did not know where to ask } for help, while you were planning your macho sexual harassment. Women } do not care that much about having it; they want to SHARE it! But you, } little bugger, want to HAVE your ex like a hamburger bun. It is said } that conversation while making love is almost as good as fondling a } woman's brests and applying your fingers to her clitoris and vagina. } } In our infinite wisdom, We, the great electronic Oracle, shall grant you } one more chance to make it up with your ex. Obeying your ex's secret } wishes will lead you two on the path of love and harmony. But beware! } He who disobeys will have a peanut butter penis. --- 2-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, great Oracle, grant thou ignorant servant an answer > to his humble question. > What should the uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics tell me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ehh, well. Uncertainty principle? Actually, you know, as it were, or, } let me put it another way... I think it kinda rests in its name: } _Uncertainty_ principle. } } It is imposible to know the answer. That's it! Ha ha. I'm not } supposed to know this! (That was a tricky one...) } } Regards, } Mr. Orvil Racle