From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 10 13:38:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #6 Message-ID: <27475@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 10 Oct 89 18:38:28 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30308 in.bizarre:257 === 6 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #6 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 10 Oct 89 18:38:28 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 6-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I get lots of junk mail from nice Americans like REAL > gurus do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's junk mail from a nice All-American Oracle: } } kwljqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq } wqeoikjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjdsjadsamsa|l|laks|kaslamsklsaml } a|kjsdak|jdslajksljalskjsdlkjlkajlkajdslkajlkajsdlkajdlkajlkajsdlkajskj } kajdslkajkjdslkjasjsdlakjlkasjd } } kjajslkajlkajkjsajskajasljdkjskkskjsjaljlkajlkajdlkasjlkdsaj } kjasjlajdlkadjkasljsd } } And stop asking stupid questions, my little friend. --- 6-02 --- offensive --------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the answer is "Joseph Goebbels, 7 Dwarfs, 500 grams of > sauerkraut and 3 spoonfuls of butter," what was the question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What assessories will you need to give Rosanne Barr an orgasm? --- 6-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > RN(VN) GIVES NO INFORMATION OF HOW TO ADDRESS OR POST MESSAGES. CAN YOU > HELP ME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gladly. Whenever you feel the urge to post or respond, just type 'q'. } It'll save you from all the flames ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS! --- 6-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are all these elephant-shaped flies buzzing in my ears? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, this is a most vexing problem indeed, which requires the telling of } ancient history. In the days before Mankind, the Old Gods strode the } earth with tentacular feet and indescribably hideous faces. In this } epoch were designed the elephants and flies, which the Old Ones created } as playthings for Their children. The children killed a fair number of } them, but a few survived and built up a resistance army to overthrow the } Incredible Disgusting Ones. } When Man was created, he had to throw in with either the Old Ones, who } created him as the perfectly sized snack food, or the Resistance, which } were just a nuisance. He went with the Old Ones, out of a sense of } masochism I suppose, and was slaughtered for his trouble. But a few } tribes of Man went with the Resistance. } The Resistance had good uses for Man. Man was good with his hands, and } could create all sorts of diversions and traps to try to destroy the Old } Ones. Actually, all they ever succeeded at was ticking the Old Ones off, } especially when men got stuck in their throats. The Old Ones enjoyed the } help of their men, since they were a lot quiter and didn't struggle when } they were swallowed. } Men became so adept at baiting traps, the Old Ones placed a curse on } them before they left for planets which weren't so boring. This curse } created the perfect beings, in the Old Ones opinion, to taunt only the } baiters with visions of the Old and Icky Ones. The former breakfast food } people were left alone, blissfully ignorant of their lost creators. } Throughout time, all the proficient trap-baiters have been tormented } in a way the Old Ones didn't expect. For elephant-fly hybrids look just } as disgusting as the Old Ones. (Well, maybe not THAT bad) } So, you see, the elephant-shaped flies are buzzing in your ears } because you are a Master Baiter. } } The ORACLE has spoken. --- 6-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does VAX stand for? Also, does VMS have any meaning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have been led down a twisted path, my son. You must repent, and } cast out the sinful computers from your life! If you, I shudder to } contemplate the thought, if you are a PROGRAMMER, there is still hope. } Turn from the corrupting influence of the compiler, the twisted } intricacies and mind-decaying patterns of Pascal and Fortran, and smash } your hard drive into infinitesmal fragments. } For, lo! The words from the heavens have decreed; VAX is the } corrupter, the Volatile Antithetical Xenomorph. Beware, for to } contemplate and speak aloud the formulae of it's constructions may bring } the evil thing into existence, feeding off of the raw forces of nature, } driving your electric bill through the roof, and coming to life within } your computer. It may have already started. Beware! For the screen which } you love may one day consume it's master. } The way out lies within the second question. For VMS, as the gods of } Nehncumnpupe have foretold, is Versimilitude May Save. Seek the truths } of life, cast out the crooked paths of computer algorithms, and your } soul may be saved. } } The ORACLE has spoken. --- 6-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle ! Please help me with the following: > > My Sun 3/60 won't boot. Instead, it yells: "bread 0" twice and then > remains silent. What can be the cause of this ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh unworthly one, the great, mighty, infinitely wise and benificient } Oracle, whose feet you are unworthly to lick will explain your } difficulty to you. } } You bloody twit, it's hungry! Do YOU work when your starving? If your } boss locked YOU into a dark basement, and didn't allow YOU a lunch } break, would YOU reboot for him? --- 6-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't the polar bear have frost on its nose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear little world explorer, the answer to this question is found in } XCLOP, the concise description of all carbon based life forms in section } Xwa of the Universe. As you are not likely to have it in your personal } library (it consists of an equivalent of 10 billion pages), we, the } Usenet Oracle, will try to translate the section on the polar bear } peculiarities in a language most suitable for translation from XCLOP: } } "De ijsbeer, gelijkend op de zokoe-jfa van de planeet Pqwar bij de ster } XZ-11, wordt de neus verwarmd door een groter aantal bloedvaten dan men } zou verwachten op grond van onderzoek van andere soorten van de planeet } Zooitje bij de ster IT-345. Dit vindt waarschijnlijk zijn &^%# } (onvertaalbaar) in paargewoonten van deze diersoort. De ijsbeer, een } niet zo amoureus aangelegd type, neemt het niet zo nauw met } territoriumgedrag en zal, als hij een ijsberin tegenkomt, zijn snuit } tussen haar benen steken, zodat zij sneller zal opwarmen..." --- 6-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the blue cheese dressing always on the opposite side of the salad > bar from the side I am standing at. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, the bleu cheese dressing represents your Neo-Hegelian } desires for immortality. Your disturbing misspelling of "bleu" as } "blue" reveals your distorted (and somewhat schizophrenic) outlook on } life: you want complex questions of God, love, and work to be resolved } in simple, bold terms, such as primary colors. If left unchecked, } this may lead to a Ronald Reaganesque cartoon-like outlook on life, } and will eventually develop into a severe case of Alzheimers disease. } Your best move is to switch to a salad dressing that will not } interfere with your desired lifestyle as much, such as Ranch, or } perhaps a simple, Zen-like oil and vinegar. If you find yourself } unable to do this, I recommend you stop eating salads altogether, and } continue your search for the ascetic ideal in more traditional dishes } of Western culinaro-religious philosophy, such as potato slices basted } in hot oil, or greasy dead cow on a slightly stale piece of bread, } slathered with a healthy tomato-and-sugar mixture. } } The Usenet Oracle has spoken. --- 6-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are females so hard to figure out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The female of any species (that is, any species that has both male and } female) has been divinely appointed the task of bearing and raising the } young of that species. (Happily, in this enlightened age, some male are } allowed to share in the joy of raising their offspring.) In order for } the female to carry out her task, she has been endowed with attributes } that the male can only wish for, such as heightened insight and greater } intelligence. Thus, females operate on a higher level than males and it } is as impossible for us to figure them out as it is for an emu to figure } us out. } } Now go kiss you {wife,girlfriend,mistress,mother} and say that you're } sorry. --- 6-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > You invent a time machine now and go back in time one year and kill > yourself and thus cannot invent a time machine. Can you kill yourself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my son, you have stumbled upon a great problem indeed. Through the } ages, on computer systems much like this, months and years of inane } babbling has filled the BBS' with thoughts and opinions on the nature of } time and time paradoxes. } There are a few possibilities which take care of this paradox. This is } on the basis that nature does not ALLOW paradoxes to exist, which may or } may not be true. } It is possible that you go back in time, and do kill yourself. Since } you never created the time machine, you couldn't have killed yourself. } (And so on) This causal loop is solved by one observation: The universe } is random. Therefore, each time it `loops', things will happen slightly } differently. This will continue until the conditions which brought the } loop into existance, namely, the time machine, is no longer true. On } this basis, it can ALSO be shown that time machines will NEVER be } created, since they inevitably lead to causal loops. } Another possibility is that you CANNOT go into your exact past. (After } all, you KNOW you weren't killed one year ago by yourself, so how can } you contradict this fact?) What happens is that you go into an alternate } reality, with the only difference being that in this new reality, you } die. The extra self, wondering if he'll disappear, still exists. There } is no paradox. } There are other theories, such as the concept of healing time, which } the Oracle shall not delve into. Suffice to say, most other theories are } silly or confusing, or both. } The Oracle has spaked.