From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 12 20:01:58 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #13 Message-ID: <27683@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Oct 89 01:01:58 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30408 in.bizarre:268 === 13 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #13 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Oct 89 01:01:58 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 13-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes you so smart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's a long path to intelligence such as mine. Actually, for the } first few hundred years I wasn't THAT smart. I spent a lot of time } enjoying immortality, exploring this world and others like it, taking } tea with strange gods, rescuing beautiful monsters from savage } princesses, and generally having a bloody HELL of a good time. } After that, I met some Elder Gods, still had sex with millions of } women, beat venereal disease with the help of Zeus (he has a good number } of home remedies, not the least of which is advertising the fact that } he'll strike dead any woman who doesn't tell him she has it), got really } rocked off my CONSTANTLY (that nectar is pretty strong stuff), and } fell in with the Delphi gang. } A few thousand years later, I had spent a fair amount of time in } Alexandria studying human knowledge and in Roath Prime studying Immortal } knowledge. I became quite a recluse. The Olympiads had, by this point, } skipped off to some other existance for an extended coffee break. ( } They never DID come back, come to think of it. Maybe they were just } trying to shake me. Hmmm ) } After THAT, I became the Oracle and gathered a following in this } space-time. Does that answer you question, mortal? --- 13-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Groovy and Cool! Oh Knower of Knowledge so Great and Divine! > Oh Mystic Mind of Fantastic Proportions! Answer, oh Answer this > Question of Mine: > > Where and when and how did you come into this reality, man? > (I'm writing an oracular biography and, like, really need to know.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am the First and the Last. I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the } Beginning and the End. I am all that has ever been, and all that will } ever be. From the beginning of Time until the end of Eternity I stand, } watching, waiting, knowing. } } P.S. If you happen to run across any cute female Oracles, please tell } me. Billions and billions of years is a long time, you know. --- 13-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If the brotherhood (frats) are the creme de la creme of manliness, > why then must they import naive Freshmen as "little sisters?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly child, think about it. If you were a no-brain greek, only } interested in physical pleasures, (like many unenlightened male humans } are, I'm afraid) which would you rather want? A young, naive freshman, } who'll be willing to do anything just to be in the `in' crowd? } (Or what she THINKS is the in crowd. They DO have lotsa parties) Or an } older, wiser woman who'll probably be wanting, ICK!, a RELATIONSHIP?? } Greeks are unenlightened dolts. So are many men. It makes me wonder } about how much my childhood was different, being almost ten thousand } years ago. Of course, come to think of it, we (Zeus and the `in' gods) } kinda did the same thing. Instead of dating (or f***ing) goddesses, we } went with naive, easily impressed mortals. (The nymphs, on the other } hand.... WHOA. Too bad they left a while ago for Dryanna. Oh well) I } guess things haven't changed that much after all. It's just the } thousands of years giving me perspective. And I'm still young for a } divinity! } This is why. } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Graecian formula } The Oracle has reminisced. --- 13-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the answer to this question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Clever, very clever. But not clever enough. You see, my son, that `What } is the answer to this question?' can be changed in a few steps to an } equivalent, which will show us the true question. } 1) What is the solution to this problem? } 2) Solve this problem. } 3) What is this problem? } Step 1 is from the observation that `answer'=solution and } `question'=problem. } Step 2 simplifies `What is the solution', which means simply `Solve'. } Now, we see that the trick is that the problem is to solve what the } problem is, and thus step 3. Therefore, `answer' was an extraneous } element in the question. We have, however, a solution. } The problem is to find out what the problem is. } The answer is "What is the question?" (This is a solution, not a } request for more information) } You might not like the answers, but they are the answers to your } question. } You owe the Oracle a service: Cut out one inch by 1/2 inch strips of } your skin at regular intervals. Go swimming in the ocean. Then walk } around with a Portugeuse man-o-war in your shorts. } The Oracle has riposted. --- 13-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there such a thing as oracle sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh you ignorant human! Don't you realize by now that Oracles are much } beyond such simple pleasures as what you refer to as "sex." Oracles } share something vaguely similar to human sex, but on a much higher } level than any lowlife such as yourself could fathom. The feeling is } much more sensational than anything you will ever experience, so I } won't bother trying to explain. --- 13-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where should I send my payment for your services. > It's hard to get 1000 quarts of sperm into ethernet packets. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In my infinite wisdom, I have established branch offices at various } points around the world. I believe the one in the United States would } be most convenient for you? Send your sperm to this address: } } The Almighty } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave } Washington, D.C. } } Note: the zipcode is unimportant; the mail system will know for whom you } intend the package. --- 13-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many roads must a Man walk down before they call him a woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one road: Virginia State Road 51, down by Croaker, the road } leading to Joe-Bob's Fried Chicken and Sex Change Restaurant. --- 13-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do people wear ties? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ties are symbolic phalli. People with small genital organs, of either } sex, wear ties to pretend that they are not inferior in this way. --- 13-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty propheseer, > I'm a joke subject, and frankly am annoyed at some of the things the > jokemakers make me do. For instance, about thirty-five times in the last > month they've had me smash into things with that inane `Two guys walk > into a bar. It sure hurt! Yuk, yuk' Yuck indeed. My friend is still in > intensive care. And they have us do perverse things over and over. Like > the `Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking it's nuts. One > says, "Boy, I wish I could do that!" the other turns to him and says, > "Shouldn't you get to know him better?"' Boy, that was SURE funny. > Though it did get OLD THE NINETY TIMES WE HAD TO DO IT! > Please, Oracle, tell me how I can escape from this job. I didn't sin > THAT badly to be sent to joke-hell! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, there is a very easy way out of this. Since you are } a joke subject, you know every punch-line that there is, so you can } become anarchistic/chaotic really easily, and in a constructive way } (though it may cost you your job, but I know thisis the point). Every } time someone tries to use you as a subect, you tell the punchline as } early into the joke as you can... } } For instanec, were the oracle to take your job, it would sound } like this... } Oracle shouts,"FISH!" } Just as the joker start in with, "How many } suurrealists... oh, you've heard that one." } } See, makes the job a little better. } However, the only true way to escape form joke-hell is to make } sure that no one gets the joke (FISH!). --- 13-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your favorite sexual position? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Am I to assume this is a question of advise? } } From the way I can tell you will be sitting, your favourite position } would be on your neighbour's kitchen table, with the egg whisk and } mayonaise. } } My favourite position on the other hand is exactly the opposite. } } Read the manual entry for grep as penance for for sexual depravity } during working hours.