From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 23 9:24:24 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #27 Message-ID: <28306@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 23 Oct 89 14:24:24 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 27 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #27 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 23 Oct 89 14:24:24 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 27-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How big is the swing at Leuton? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oh, the swing at leuton! so very big the swing. always the dancing. } always the dringing! always the swapping of wives and husbands. so } very big the swing! the lechery, such a dreadful swing. at leuton } usually there four or five couples in each class all sleeping with each } other, in back of classroom. sometime the whole class sleep together. } sometime the professor cancel the class for to sleep with them. } (sometime the whole class fall to sleep, but this from the professor not } from the swing.) very bad the swing at leuton. always the vernerial } disease given to married people. always the condom shortate at the } leuton, but never the condom shortage stop the swing. } } that is the swing at leuton. } } you are for to owe the oracle a years supply of the contraceptive --- 27-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just saw an advertisement saying that St. Francis of Assisi loves > Apple-Fs -- the terrible lettuce flavored snack. Why St. Francis? Why > are they called Apple-F's if they're lettuce flavored? Why are they > called "terrible"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There ae several reasons for this, none of which I will reveal to } you. If you were to truly understand the answer to this question, it } would begin a long chain of events, delicately balanced, which will } result in the end of 1997 coming 32 seconds early, the crust of the } Earth shrinking by 1.7% by 2004, a new volcanic circle springing up } which intersects Macchu Picchu and Hell, Norway, the eventual re-rise of } Atlantis, the reactivation by an obscure but brilliant archaeologist of } an Atlantean subspace signaler, the arrival in 2065 of a part of the } Chalub fleet which fled Earth ago, their extreme anger when they } determine that there are no stranded Atlanteans to rescue (the Chalub } government subsidizes rescues like you wouldn't believe), an enormous } conflict between the forces of Earth and the forces of Chalub, after } which the Chalub fleet leaves, but which unifies Earth into one signle } nation and also massively disrupts the ionosphere (those MPL cannon have } to be seen to be believed), following which the Usenet is simultaneously } made unneccesary and impossible, following which I (the Usenet Oracle) } will cease to exist. It is obviously in my better interests not to } answer your question. } } A hint, though: it has to do with an inscription on one of the } support beams for the southern bridge of the Peltor mesa's } fortifications. } } (I live dangerously...) --- 27-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come you went to University of the bottom of the sea and don't know > that you hope that Normal Rockwell just bit my slug? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As usual, the failing is in your mind, Mortal, not mine. My mind is } infallible. (Other parts of me, on the other hand... but let's not } discuss that, shall we.) To be completely truthful for once, the real } message that was being telepathically beamed into your brain from a } small group of pattern-recognition reasearchers along the 47th parallel } went as follows: } } "Let not the sins of the ocean muddle your perceptions, nor the } fluted columns of true Understanding. In the deepest tarpits of } footwear lie enormous appetites for universal acclaim, and } always for perfection in harmonic motion." } } There is reason to believe the pattern-recognition reserchers had by a } variety of chemical means succeeded in removing all traces of pattern } fron their own consciousnesses. } } You owe the Oracle three feet of dark thread, a Ritz cracker and a } Z80-H. --- 27-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Didn't you realize that Johnny Carson was rightist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I did! I'm the Oracle. Did you also know that if you read } the bottom of the colorful pamphlet that comes with each of Ed McMahan's } sweepstakes offers, it implies that by not objecting to receiving this } mail every 6 months you are supporting the rightist political movements } that both he and Carson are campaigning to put through congress? } } Read your mail more carefully next time. } } You owe the Oracle a leftist. --- 27-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > orc How can you ask me so abstractly for a drink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is quite easy. If one wishes to ask for a drink all one has to do is } mention water. The reference to water is clearly saying that that is on } one's mind, ie. thirst. But this may seem too blunt, so one must take } it one step further. Water is made up of three atoms. (pure water that } is). Two hydrogen and one oxygen. The mention of chemistry is a good } way to give this hint, however this may be misconstrued to be asking for } sex. So the topic of air pollution may be brought up to hint about the } oxygen in water, refering to the idea of a liquid, asking for a drink. } However, we once again have the problem that this too may be } misconstrued. If you talk about air pollution, you will be considered a } liberal. If you are a liberal you would have no problem going against } the old fashion rule of not being blunt. So the best way to ask } abstractly for a drink is to just walk up to someone and say "Hydrogen"! --- 27-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am having a hard time finding a girlfriend. Why do women play hard to > get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Women don't play hard to get. Only men trained in some ridiculous macho } stupidities think that they do. Women tell you what they want. Believe } it. Take them at their word. Treat them like humans. Then maybe } you'll find a girlfriend. --- 27-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why doesn't C support string primitives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } c not support the string primitives? c has the very very string } primitives. so string the c primitives, so very primitives! too } primitives are the c to have the concatenation operator, the length } operator, the other simplemost operators in the c. so very primitive, } so very c has support the string primitivies! the very stupid } null-begin-ended string, so much the primitive, so difficult for the } understanding, so hard for the relocation, so much support the string } for the relocation troubles, the varying length troubles. very much c } support the string primitives. } } now you are for to owe the oracle the intelligent question. --- 27-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How STUPID do the Tv advertiser think we are? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The TV advertiser aims at a mental age of about 6-8 weeks. --- 27-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is it that with 2.5 billion people of both sexes wondering the world > looking for a relationship with another person, there are so many lonely > people who are without a relationship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because there is a big powerful Maxwell-style demon keeping the males } apart from the females. --- 27-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oy veh! Gilda Radnor didn't say the koala bear is the symbol of Harvard > -- I read it in Two-Fisted Detective Stories. But why does everyone > around me seem to think she said it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gilda Radnor read this question. Gilda Radnor was confused. The koala } bear read this question. The koala bear started hunting Two-Fisted } Detectives. The Oracle read this question. The Oracle was enlighted. } The Oracle's friend read this answer. The friend laughed.