From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 24 18:13:59 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #29 Message-ID: <28408@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 24 Oct 89 23:13:59 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 29 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #29 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 24 Oct 89 23:13:59 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 29-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great One! Please enlighten me as to why some Communist spies are > infiltrating the net, intercepting your wise replies, and then hacking > them up and inserting their own gibberish? Why are these fascists > trying to make it look like people other than The Great Oracle are > responding to my dire questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nyet! Not the communist spies infiltrate the nyetvork! They vill never } interfere vith the great and noble bourgeoise purpose of the oracle! --- 29-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do I dread building kernels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's quite difficult to build a kestrel, actually, and I don't blame you } for dreading it. First, you have to get all those feathers on (the } first time i did it, I got them on backwards -- bad news, boy!). Then } you have to attack the wings right. The kits I usually use don't have } quite enough wing-glue. Then the feet. Those feet are murder. You } have to hook up the nerves first, and the kestrel grabs your finger in } its sharp talons and SQUEEZES if you're not careful. Damn dangerous. } Then the head. Gotta screw the head so it faces the right way. As soon } as the spine is engaged, it screams and goes for your eyeballs. Those } birds are FAST, too. } } I don't blame you at all for dreading building kestrels. --- 29-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Someone once said that God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid > to laugh. Would you please do upwards of 1000 iterations on this > statement and respond as to your assessed validity of it? Thanks!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The result of 1000 upward iterations is: } } "we sink to become indistinguishable from the } general excrement" } } Alas, this was also said by someone. Its validity } its apparent, at least to this Oracle. } } You owe me a gallon of perfume. --- 29-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can a knowledge of demographics and lifestyles aid Black & Decker in > marketing appliances? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should be taking business classes to answer questions like these! } Or are you cheating on your homework!? Since I'm a nice guy, I will } answer your question anyway. } } The more sexually deviant an area is, the more attachments Black & } Decker will need to sell hand drills in that area. } } You owe the Oracle one Wet 'n' Dry Vac (with attachments). --- 29-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many will there be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many will there be? Hmmmmm... There is no answer, so I will answer } your question for various inserted variables: } 1.) Elephants: 3 } 2.) Replies to your question: 1 } 3.) Non-greenery presidents in this decade: 0 } 4.) Answers to your question: See #10. } 5.) See #8 } 6.) Licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop: 3 } 7.) Pounds in a ton: 2000 } 8.) 6. } 9.) Legs on the Average horse: 4 } 10.) See #5. } } You owe the Oracle one Cray X-MP. --- 29-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the correct protocol for answering a question in a > business class if you don't have the slightest clue? In engineering, it > is permissible and even desirable to admit ignorance since mistakes may > cost lives. However, in business, "it's not your money", so the key > thing to do is to look as if you are omniscient, regardless of the > truth. How can this be pulled off success- fully by an honest man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The correct protocol is to refer the question to your imaginary } associate, Dithers, who is in Europe at the time at a business meeting } with BMW regarding financing arrangements for a loan you are arranging. } Therefore, please direct all questions to Dithers' office. Next } question? You owe the Oracle one BMW M3, midnight black, please. --- 29-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the least known inventor in all of history, and what did he > invent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer eludes at the moment, but I think he invented the genitals } that are placed on mannequins. --- 29-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [xxx.xx.edu] } Login name: xxxxxxx In real life: God the Almighty } Office: everywhere } Directory: /u/xxxxxxx Shell: /usr/gnu/bash } Member of groups root, wheel, kmem, god, jesus, jehovah } Last login Thu Jan 1 00:00 on ttyh1 } Project: To correctly calculate pi (or redefine it) } No unread mail on this host. } Plan: } } ___====-_ _-====___ } _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ } _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ } -############// :\^^/: \\############- } _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ } ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ } -###############\\ (oo) //###############- } -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- } -###################\\/ \//###################- } _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ } :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: } " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " } " " " " / : : : : \ " " " " } ( : : : : ) } __\ : : : : /__ } (vvv(VVV)(VVV)vvv) } } } ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME??? --- 29-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is she coming tonite? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Twelve times (she'll lose count at three). Diane will come about } fifteen. She won't lose count. She's a compulisve counter. --- 29-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > as big as the great oak tree trunk between thy mighty thighs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ... i am not now climbing trees ...