From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 25 20:43:25 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #31 Message-ID: <28469@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 26 Oct 89 01:43:25 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 31 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #31 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 26 Oct 89 01:43:25 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 31-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best use for the following: > > 1) A pound of strawberry jam > 2) Zsa-Zsa Gabor > 3) Jim Baker > 4) a dozen satanists > 5) 5 bricks > 6) a stapler > 7) a physics textbook > 8) a computer (386) > 9) 50 feet of 1000 pound test nylon line > 10) the Vikings football team And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Staple the cmputer to the satanists. Put the bricks on the criminals. } Tie the football team to the textbooks. Put the strawberry jam in the } middle of the field. Throw a grenade at all of them, and make the world } a better place. --- 31-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 4096 years ago, a small boy looked up at his father, pondering his very } existance, and asked such a question. His father, being a wise and } noble man, told the following story: } } Son, one day, your children, and your children's children, and their } offspring, will design many living structures from the very soil we } stand on. They will create ways to float on the water at high speed, } and fly through the air as the birds do. They will spread out far } across the land, and even cross the great oceans, building many villages } and even great cities. They will conquer the very gap of space and } time, by sending messages directly through high-speed T1 phonelines and } digital fiber-optic cables, connecting thousands of places of learning } and commerce. And someone will enable all the Internet to have access } to The Oracle, by simply mailing a question using the standard email } interfaces. And some bozo, wanting to try it out, will send in the } question that you, my son, have asked me. } } "Why?" } } You owe The Oracle the rights to all of your smart offspring. --- 31-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is watching slasher movies better than sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course! Have you forgotten elementary logic? } } AXIOM 1: Nothing is better than sex. } AXIOM 2: Watching slasher movies is better than nothing. } } Therefore, by the principle of transitivity, we reach the } } CONCLUSION: Watching slasher movies is better than sex. --- 31-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do all these flies in my apartment come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Isn't it obvious? You are a full-fledged hardened ADDICT by now! Of } course you still believe that "I can stop whenever I want to," but you } will NEVER be able to "want to" without prompt help! Look up } Fileaholics Anonymous in the telephone directory. NOW! } } It began innocently enough, about four years ago, when you started } keeping an extra nail file or two in the bathroom to keep your nails } always looking neat and well-groomed. Then you started carrying one } with you everywhere, just to make sure you'd never be caught with } unfiled nails. Then you started keeping larger files, initially to fix } sticky doors, later to trim windowsills just a little bit so the desk } you wanted to put in the corner would fit... eventually you accumulated } a monstrous collection of flat and curved files, keyhole and triangular } files, rasps, Surform tools, even Dremel Moto-Tools and routers and } power sanders, a collection that would be the envy of most professional } machine shops...so many that you need THIRTY FILE CABINETS to hold them } all, in addition to the ones scattered in various closets and corners. } Your woodworking hobby quickly became a vehicle for your compulsive } addic-- } } Oh! You mean FLIES? Never mind.... --- 31-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A rose in full bloom } Sunrise from a mountain top } The unending blue of a plains state horizion } The New England foliage in fall } The emerald green of the mid-atlantic } } But, I digress, to answer your question: TAXES --- 31-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much mail does the Oracle get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Imagine enough dollar bills that placed end to end would reach to the } moon and back. Now take that number and apply it to the following } formula : } log(weight of one female gorilla)^(number of bills) } --------------------------------------------------- } x := sin((Mass of George Bush)^(IQ of Dan Quayle)) } ---------------------------------------------------------- } Length of Zsa-Zsa Jail sentence / Lenght of Jim Bakers } } You owe the Oracle a Calculus book. --- 31-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a "physharmonica"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a state the body can reach after years of training and } meditation. Your body is transformed into a living harmonica and you } can play songs with you body alone. If you continue your training you } can become a physharmonica guru, where you specialize in one particular } part of the body (armpit, hands, head, etc). If you continue for 50 } years you become a physharmonica master and can play any bob dylan song } by passing gas alone (lets face it, you won't be having company) } } you owe the oracle the complete bob dylan collection --- 31-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a "sesquialtera"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's easy, but lets break it down. } sesqui - one and a half } alter - to change } a - a vowel } This is a formal description of the inflection used by the } Fonz when he's happy, AAAYYYEEE } } you owe the oracle 15 saftey pins --- 31-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will be on my physics test Friday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On your physics test, there will be a thin film of dust, a few } fingerprints of your fellow students, several insect larvae, and an } irregular coating of ink. } } You owe the oracle an answer key. --- 31-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't Democrats win the presidency? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A quick look at past Democratic candidates should answer that question. } } 1988 - Dukakis - one eyebrow, shifty-eyed, short. Also lied about being } a liberal. } 1984 - Mondale - caved in to every special-interest group known to man } Ferraro - a "bitch" in so many senses of the word } 1980 - Carter - pathetic state of the country, caused by him (see 1976) } Mondale - well, look what happened to him in '84 } 1976 - Carter - peanut farmer, just look at his brother Billy, } He only won because of the scandals in the Republican } administration } 1972 - McGovern - beyond liberal; besides, Nixon was too popular } 1968 - Johnson - Vietnam, government spending. Also look at Lady Bird. } } That's as far back as I go, should prove the point. } } While republicans are more likely to get involved in money scandals, } democrats are more likely to get involved in sex scandals.