From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 6 11:13:14 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #46 Message-ID: <29137@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:14 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Keywords: offensive === 46 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #46 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:14 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 46-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who wrote the Book of Mormon, and where can I get a copy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The book of Mormon was orginally written by Joseph Smith, founder of the } Mormon church. What most people DON'T know, however, is that what is } today known as the book of Mormon bears little resemblance to the } orginal. } } It seems that Smith was not the stern, God-fearing man he is thought to } be. In fact, just prior to taking his flock to Utah, Smith spent about } six months in Jamaica, where, in a drug-crazed orgy, he hit upon his } central philosphy: "More, Mon!!" By that, he meant, "more dope, more } women, more booze" etc. In actuallity, Mormons used to be real party } animals. Alas, they started to mainstream when Utah became a state, and } went a little to far to become "decent folk" The last holdout was } polygamous marriages, the only way a guy could acceptably hold an orgy } in this country. } } They knew a good thing when they had it. --- 46-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where did the name 'pussy' come from (as applied to vaginas)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arrgh, now it's trivia. Look it up in a good dictionary that gives } etymologies even of dirty words. The Oracle does not exist as a general } information service. You may not realize this, but in order to answer } questions, the Oracle must undergo a metamorphosis into a form suitable } to the question being asked. For deep philosophical questions, the } Oracle becomes a bearded guru, for silly questions, a copy of John } Cleese or Graham Chapman or the like. For reference-desk questions, the } Oracle has to become Miss Primm the reference librarian, and it's no fun } assuming the form of a pop-eyed spinster with halitosis, a tight girdle, } and unrequited lust for young male students, not to mention...oh never } mind. } } One common explanation is that the 'pussy' is held to resemble a cat } (the term 'beaver' has a similar origin). Obvious. Now ask something } deep and philosophical so that I can get out of this stupid form. --- 46-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's this spoon doing in my butt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dear. I fear that you have an infestation of the blue grodies. } Blue grodies, who are distant relatives of blue meanies (but much } smaller) live in your clothing and do disgusting things to, for, and } with your body. Your infestation seems to be involved in eating your } feces, and some of their silverware got stuck; this is typical of blue } grodie attitude. I recommend Grodie-Off, a product commercially } available in most good pet supply stores. If you don't get the grodies } removied soon, they may start holding parties inside your bladder, or } moving their mobile homes (they live in mobile homes) into your nostrils } so that they can have hto and cold running mucus. } } Yuck. } } You owe the oracle a barf bag. --- 46-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a bergulb, and why is it following me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bergulb is a land mammal, green, approximately fifteen feet long, } twelve feet wide, and seven feet high. It has long slimy tentacles } ranging in number from twenty to well over one hundred, depending on } how many different species it has slept with. It is following you } because it's hungry. Very hungry. You can try to run, but I suspect } that will prove futile; bergulben are very swift creatures, and this } one seems intent on making YOU it's next dinner. } } You might be able to survive the ordeal by dropping your pants, } bending over, and shouting "Take me, you big green monster!" Since } this particular bergulb has never made it with a human, it would find } the experience infinitely more pleasurable than consuming you whole. } } Make sure to use plenty of K-Y, and for crying out loud, wash the } sheets when the two of you are done. } } You owe the Oracle the last twelve back issues of Perverts and Weirdos } Digest. --- 46-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, I beseech you, hear my confession! > I have deceived the lovely Lisa into thinking that she was the only > woman in my life. Be the truth known, I have masturbated while > looking at a picture of Barbara Bush, and have enjoyed it. Lisa does > not yet know. Whatever shall I tell her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tell Lisa... } } Tell Lisa... } } |\ } | } O| Tell Lisa I love her... } } (Oh, so you don't like my singing, eh?) } } } Tell her that you were working on a special project for the } adminstration on sex education for low-literacy } populations, requiring intense amounts of research. } You can claim particular emphasis on the safest kind } of sex of all. Note, however, that this excuse will } also be useful should you ever get a date with the } Silver Fox. } } Now, get back to work. You have research to perform, and I, } the USENET Oracle have better things to do than } masturbate to sticky photos of the First Lady. } Oracles don't masterbate, and when we do, we use } photos of real Greeks, like that flight attendant } that the Greek Prime Minister found. --- 46-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get my girlfriend to stop having sex with all her former > boyfriends and girlfriends?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since the girl is fornicating with FORMER mates, its clear that sex is } the only thing she lacks in her relationship with YOU. You should feel } proud that you are able to offer her fulfillment in many other ways. In } the meantime, she'll always seek sexual fulfillment OUTSIDE your } relationship. But you can take steps to limit her roving body... if } you can't satisfy your woman, the Oracle can! Have her send a short } bio, measurements, an ASCII-graphics photo and her address to } oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. In a few days you may notice a change in } her behavior, and she may walk a little funny. } } You owe the Oracle one pack of condoms, extra-large. --- 46-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I tell if I'm REALLY in love with my girlfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's very easy. You are not really in love with your girlfriend. You } are, in fact, in love with the following people: } } 1. *My* girlfriend. (Like everyone else, regardless of sex.) } } 2. Lisa (Again, like everyone else, regardless of sex.) } } 3. Tarzan. This is kinky, I know, but you have this secret hidden } desire to see what's under that animal skin. } } 4. Pope John Paul II. This is seriously kinky, but you've wanted to } "poke a pope" since you were beaten repeatedly for playing with } yourself back in fourth grade in the Catholic school. (I know, I } know, you've repressed all your memories of that school. You think } you went to a public school in Indiana. No such luck. If you had, } you'd want to screw Marlon Brando.) } } 5. Sigmund Freud. I do not know about this one. Probably he just } told you that you had repressed desires, and you want to show him } just what he should have meant. } } 6. Liz Taylor. Guess you're bi, not gay. But you're not a sane puppy } anyways. } } You owe the Oracle two kiwis and a dead lymphocyte. --- 46-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Three supernatural figures just appeared in my cave and tried to murder > me. Why? Who? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, the Oracle suggests that you calm down. They were only } ghosts, and quite incapable of doing any harm to you. They will } probably reappear, but if you insult them and show that you're not } afraid, they will eventually stop bothering you. } } Your cave was the site of a triple murder. (By the way, the Oracle } commends you on your choice of domicile. Caves are cool in the summer } and warm in the winter, and make great wine cellars to boot. The Oracle } used to live in a cave Itself.) The three ghosts seek revenge on their } murderer. You recall the old limerick about the ``...hermit named Dave/ } Who kept a dead whore in a cave...''? Well, it was _your_ cave, and the } ghosts are the immortal remains of a contingent of the local _Ad Hoc_ } Citizens' Group Against Necrophilia, who came up to Dave's Cave in order } to take away the corpse of the dead whore and give it what used to be } called Christian burial. Dave was understandably peeved, there was a } quarrel, and Dave killed the visitors with two blasts of his } over-and-under shotgun. } } See, even supernatural happenings are easy to understand if you know the } causes. Aren't you glad you've got the Oracle to explain it all? --- 46-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend lives across the ocean in Paris. We are thinking of > engaging in phone sex. Can she get pregnant with phone sex? Are there > phone condoms? Can this be done as a conference call with friends? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, she can get pregnant through phone sex. In fact, many hapless } women are phone-raped because they stay on the line too long during } anonymous phone calls. The old-fasioned heavy-breathing obscene call } cannot cause pregnancy, but modern ones can. Phone condoms are not yet } available, because coitus interruptus is a 100%-effective method of } phone-birth-control -- simply hang up just before climax (which puts } only the tiniest dent in your fun) and there's no danger of pregnancy. } Conference calls can be used for phone orgies. Another advantage is } that, as far as anyone knows, there are no PSTDs (phone-sexually } transmitted diseases). } } Phone sex has a great future. Telephones equipped with vocoders are now } available, which can change the user's voice. Get one of these and make } yourself into a great hulking stud for your girlfriend's delight. Or if } you're really weird, get her one as well, and you can become the woman } and she the man -- but be sure to hang up in time because _you_ can get } pregnant this way. And because you don't have a womb, the fetus will } implant on your omentum, which can be nasty. Even aborting it will } require an abdominal operation. } } The delays in a transatlantic connection do tend to render phone sex } less pleasurable. --- 46-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you agree with the following quote? Explain. For extra credit name > the author and when it was said: > > I believe in this, > And its been tested by research. > Those who fuck nuns > later join the church. > > This question is worth 50 points, since the quote is so wierd. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The quote is basically accurate. Only two words are incorrect ("fuck" } was originally "screw", and "research" was originally "science". The } second was changed pretty fast, because it didn't rhyme otherwise.)