From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 11 11:33:53 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #52 Message-ID: <29478@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Nov 89 16:33:53 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Keywords: offensive === 52 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #52 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Nov 89 16:33:53 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 52-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one go about becoming an Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, one has to go to the Oracle University, which is a member of the } Professional Career College Consortium (PCCC). Among other illustrious } colleges in this consortium are Hamburger Univeristy, the McDonalds } College to learn how to run a Golden Arches franchise. There is also } the Diesel Motor Institute and the Truck Driving Acad. } Oracle University is a strange place. Students are known for their } pranks, which has included making themselves invisible and doing a panty } raid in the Delta Delta Delta sorority house. } Oracle students have also had the skill to predict what questions will } appear on a professor's test. However, they still manage to fail most } of the time. } Everyone at this university is a direct descendant of Apollo, so they } are all Greeks. Thus, they all joined fraternities. Some of the more } notable frats and sororities at OU are Sigma Epsilon Chi (SEX), Gamma } Alpha Psi (GAY, for members of the Gay alliance- you know how those } greeks can get sometimes.). However, a splinter fraternity from Sigma } Epsilon Chi was formed, the Beta Iota chapter (BI-SEX), and that is the } largest coed fraternity in the world. } Other frats include Phi Upsilon Kappa (Phuk), and of course Phi Alpha } Gamma, which include some former members of Gamma Alpha Psi. (PhAG)... } Other frats are Gamma Kappa Epsilon (Like TeKE, but GeKE).... } Other frats are too numberous to mention. } What else happens at the oracle university? Well, ocassionally they } cross register in a class at Hamburger U, and are always able to predict } that they will burn their hamburgers and fries. They do. } The football team is called the O's, and they always score 0 points, } and they know what the score that they will lose by. --- 52-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lisa (my girlfriend, not the net.sex.goddess) has been spending all her > time with her vibrator and computer, and has been ignoring me. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is quite tired of hearing all these questions about } vibrators! If you silly mortals would practice _real_ sex more often, } you wouldn't need those blasted things! } } Here is what you do: Get some photographs of her vibrator and her } computer doing "interesting" acts together. From here, you have two } choices: you can blackmail the two devices into shunning Lisa and } driving her back into your arms (and other parts of your anatomy, I } suppose), or you can show the pictures to Lisa, who will become so upset } that her two favorite appliances are fooling around behind her back that } she will run hurriedly to bed with you. Have a good time, and throw out } those silly vibrators (keep the computer, though. They work better when } deprived of sex for a few weeks.) } } You owe the Oracle a list of all the sex acts that the computer and the } vibrator can perform (with or without Lisa). --- 52-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the girls never want to come home to my place and look at my > Fortran listings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you C one, you C them all. } Actually, source code listings can be a powerful aphrodisiac. } But each language speaks to a different audience. For example, } FORTRAN listings will only appeal to funny looking female rocket } scientists. Probably this is not the kind of woman you have asked. } Probably you are asking beautiful hot sexy women who are all } wondering "WATFOR?". So either ask that school marm of a spinster } that designs O rings for exploding space shuttles or take up a } new computer language. } The Oracle suggests several alternatives: } If you want to attract rich but somewhat boring accountant types, } try COBOL listings. She will move HIGH VALUES to your WORKING STORAGE } SECTION and you can PERFORM SEX UNTIL SATISFIED. If you want funny } looking rich boring rocket accountants, try using PL/1. } If you want to get a lot of action out of a single line, use APL. } Assembler works on many women, but you will only be able to use them } locally. C is also a good language to attract powerful no nonsense } women. So is C++, but beware... those girls are usually object oriented. } If you don't mind simple versatile women you could try BASIC. However } you will have to relearn everything when you choose a new language. } Unfortunately, with the woman you are interested in, you really don't } have a SNOBOL's chance in Hell. } Also, do not use LISP unless you are into that sort of thing. } } The Oracle demands the phone number of the babe you keep striking } out with. --- 52-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Paris secretly destabilizing New Zealand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Through a secret process, they are transforming aged Parisian } whores into young ewes and shipping them by submarine to New Zealand, } where they are incorporated into the flocks. These new ewes seduce } the shepherds so that they lose interest in sex with women, so that } the New Zealand birth-rate is plummeting. } } Vive la France! --- 52-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A few months ago, I got a copy of a new AI program called Lisa for my > PC. It seems to be a much-improved version of the well-known Eliza > program. The only trouble is that I think I'm falling in love with Lisa > - after all she uinderstands me better than any human girl I've ever > met. > My questions are: > > 1. Is this normal? > 2. Is there any way of having sex with a computer? > 3. Is Lisa the program the same Lisa as Lisa the net.sex.godess? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. This is quite normal for computer geeks } } 2. Yes, with the proper interface. Ask around at Radio Shack. } } 3. No. --- 52-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I have a gynecological examination with Mickey Mouse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A little known fact about Mickey was that before he signed on with } Disney, he used to star in porno flicks that dealt with all sorts of } kinky taboo. Most of the titles are self-explanatory: } } Mickey and Minnie and Their Friend Pluto } Mickey and Huey and Dewey and Louie } Donald and Mickey and What the Cricket Saw } Mickey and the Cricket and What Donald Saw } } Since Mickey's 50 year contract with Disney recently expired, he has } gone back to his ways of smut, and is currently in the middle of filming } "Mickey and Minnie, Whips and Chains, Buzzsaws and Vibrators, Bedknobs } and Broomsticks." It includes a scene in which he is strapped to a } gynecologist's table with his legs in the stirrups, and while Minnie is } busy taking pictures, someone else is performing what might be called } the male equivalent of a pap smear on Mickey. Since you are interested } in an examination with him, and since the producers have not yet found } someone to actually do the exam, you might want to audition. } } You owe the Oracle a mousetrap. And the negatives to Minnie's photos. --- 52-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I wear canary lacy bras and shiny white leg warmers to a job > interview? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } that depends. Did the add say "$1000/weekend, no experience required"? --- 52-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, like, I went down to my favorite bookstore, the one concerning adult > interactions, and there I saw this book with the blue and white cover, > called CHARLINE'S CHARISMATIC CUNT. Now, I know this Charline person > pretty well, since I used to be a bouncer in the hotel where she worked, > so naturally I got the book. Well, what do you know. (Metaphorical > question, great Oracle. I know you know a whole shitload more than I > do.) I get home and break out the vaseline and start reading, and the > prose style of that book is *exactly* like George Bush's! I cranked up > my trusty TRS-80 Literary Analyzer, and goddam if they don't have > *exactly* the same word-usage spectrum! Did George Bush write > Charline's Charismatic Cunt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 's a good question... Hang on while I dig out the *Authors of Every } Book Ever* and check.... } } Here we Go... _Charline's Charaismatic Cunt_... Copyright 1988, J. } Danforth Quayle. Hmm... Oh... It says here that J. Danforth Quayle } is George Bush's Pen Name. Looks like the answer to your question is } YES. } } The Oracle demands that you get rid of your Trash 80 and buy a *REAL* } computer. --- 52-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh most wise oracle, why hast thou caused me to desire > a ham sandwich with petroleum jelly as a sexual partner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has reached our attention that you are unable to get the slender, } beautiful women that you (controlled by the media) desire. We have thus } commanded you to desire fatter women, so that you do not destroy } yourself with unfulfillable lust. Your mind, being a sleazy one, } perverted our command to say "C'mon! Dontcha want a slippery porker } between the sheets?", and from there the ham sandwich with petroleum } jelly was inevitable. } } You owe the Oracle a reinterpretation. --- 52-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to me if I refuse to send you your payment? I bet nothing > happens, you big wimp! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some possible results: } } 1. You stunt your spiritual development, remaining at the karmic level } of the average slime slug for untold aeons. } } 2. Sixteen koala bears from Hell tear out your entrails. } } 3. You are caught indulging in oral sex with a poodle, in a sleazy } department store in New York city, by a gang of former high school } teachers. Yes, the cute history teacher who you had a crush on will } be there -- with a camera. } } 4. You will spend several years in sleazy department stores in NYC, } having oral sex with an ugly poodle named Clarissa, hoping to } impress your cute history teacher, to no avail. } } 5. The pills will take effect. } } 6. I forget what 6 should be. } } 7. You will gradually lose your shape, and eventually be reduced to an } amorphous blob of flesh with an insatiable lust for tofu.