From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 4 15:22:19 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #73 Message-ID: <30803@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 4 Dec 89 20:22:19 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 73 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #73 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 4 Dec 89 20:22:19 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 73-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Id di just releast the big computer virus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think so. It's not due for a while yet...... } } *INTERRUPT* } Welcome to pirate Oracle. We are broadcasting from a van somewhere in } Indiana and we are overriding the normal Oracle signal. } *TAPE MARK* *TAPE MARK* *VOL 1* } Our edits may not be as clean, but are our answers sure are. } *END OF INFORMATION* } *REFERENCE: Rev. Donald Wildmon* } Pirate Oracle has been brought to you by the PMRC. Serving to find } more ways to serve you. } *GARBLE* } It appears that the normal Oracle service is resisting. } Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. } They'll never be able to... } ...who's that in the Camero behind us? } ...Lisa? How'd SHE find us? AAAAAGGGGHHHH? } *GUNFIRE EDITED OUT TO KEEP PG RATING* } *INTERRUPT* } I foresee no trouble from any sort of viruses for a while. I have an } expert debugger. } } You owe the oracle a boot record. --- 73-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a program that plays Tic-Tac-Toe. My instructor asked me to > write a program that did something called game tree search but I decided > it was easier to ask the Oracle. My opponent has just moved and the > board position is now > - - - > - X - > - - - > What is my best move? Please respond quickly as my opponent is waiting. > Use the notation [r,c] where r is the row (1-3) and c is the column > (1-3). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best move is ... } } [pause for computation] } } King's pawn to Vancouver, British Columbia. } } If your opponent then leads spades, throw a 6d6 Lightning Bolt spell. --- 73-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, Oracle, I have this pet rubber band, you see. I like to milk > it frequently, and on occasion, I will coil it into a lucid dream. On > Wednesdays, when electricity is bountiful, I provide it with a cup of > strawberry Quik(tm) just because. However, the dust clogs it up day > after day, and what I really need to know is, what SIZE?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, you have to be very careful of the elderberry-blossom tea. } It doesn't go very well with the fritters at all. The sparrows aren't a } very good idea either, because they prefer nylon and anchovies. } Preferential trade agreements are much better than electricity, } especially when the strawberry Quik(tm) is iconoclastic, which } frequently happens under infrequent circumstances. When the dust gets } around, just remember that behind every good man is a good tourniquet. --- 73-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to annoy Mr. Rogers. What is the best and most untraceable way > to do so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pick his pockets, remove cigarettes, substitute exploding trick ones. } } Send him a telegram saying `ALL IS KNOWN, FLEE THE COUNTRY' } } Immerse his Filofax is Brown Windsor soup. } } Carry his car down the street to a No Parking area where it can be } clearly seen from the Police Station, and leave it there. } } Hide his underpants. } } Train his dog to savage him. } } Draw clothes on the pin-ups that he has put on his office notice board. } } Fill his pen with the magic ink that writes black but then fades to } invisible as it dries. } } The ol' drawing pin on the chair routine. } } Keep calling him Mr Bodgers. } } Phone his house at 4am. Say `I'm a burglar. I can't get into your } apartment because the windows are locked. Would you mind opening them } for me?' } } Leave his phone number with a homosexual dating service. (If } homosexual, use a hetero dating service.) } } Ping elastic bands at his head. --- 73-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your advice, oh worldly wise one ! Can you please tell me how I can > become a great folk singer, like your good self. I've tried wearing > woolly sweaters, and sticking my hand on my ear, but something's still > missing. > > Please help, > Desperate of England. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to learn to play guitar. Or you need to replace the metal } strings of a guitar by pieces of stretched chewing gum and to hide a } tape cassette player in the body of the instrument so you can play a } tune on the cassette player and mime a strum to it. } } Now, you need some songs. Do not go to a music shop and buy a book of } tried and tested songs: write your own. Avoid useful and interesting } subjects like how to make tea or why hotels only ever have one room with } a shower instead of a bath but you always get put into that one, which } is what people really need to know. Concentrate either on comic } subjects like `There's an Alien Spacecraft in my Dustbin' or deeply } meaningful subjects like rape, abortion or Nicaragua, of which neither } you nor any of your audeince has any experience at all. } } The following song will make you famous and extremely rich if you sing } it very loudly each morning: } } Bossa nova tempo, metronome = 120 } } There's an alien spacecraft in my dustbin (C, G, C, F7) } I found it at half past three (Bflat, Cdim, C) } I was throwing away a cardboard box (Amin, Emin, F, G) } And drinking a cup of tea, (D7, G7 C) } It was hiding under a baked bean tin (repeat chord sequence) } With a terrified demeanour } I think I must have sucked it up } In my Hoover vacuum cleaner. } } It was flat, metallic and four inches square } I put it in the microfiche reader } There war writing engraved upon the side } Saying `Take me to your Leader!' } I greeted the tiny spacemen inside } They were bug-eyed, hairy and green, } Then I sealed the craft in an envelope } And posted it off to the Queen. --- 73-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do all women seem to enjoy Leather so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Women, sir, are not like men. Men can lie around at home, eating } chocolates and daintily dusting the mantlepiece. Women have to go out } into the world and fight for a living. They must pit their strength } against the wind and the rain and the snow, against the mighty grizzly } and the subtle mountain lion and the dread ice wolves. They tear your } sustenance from the bosom of the earth by strength and sheer guts. } } Did you really expect them to wear delicate lace chemises like you? --- 73-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does a hot water tap work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oh the hot water she go in, } and the hot water she go out, } and the hot water cum up from the wall } and drip all out the spout, } oh the hot water she go in, } 'till you turn the handle roun', } then the hot water from behind the wall } gonna spill out on the groun' } oh the hot water she go in, } she cum up from the floor } and when you turn that 'handle 'roun' } she spill out on the floor! --- 73-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise wiseass, why is it that my roommate likes throwing > darts at people's feet (or worse)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, this signifies something deeper in the psyche of your } roommate than just an affection for threatening people's toes with sharp } flying objects. } } As the Oracle probes deeper into the mind of your roommate, he } finds that it is a dark place, poorly furnished, with utilities extra. } The propriator is a small man carrying a large dart over his shoulder. } This the Oracle notes for it might be important. He asks the Oracle if } it's come about the pipes and the Oracle replies no, it's come about the } throwing-darts-at-people's-feet business, whereupon the little man hefts } his large dart and throws it at the Oracles feet. } } The Oracle ponders the potential symbolism of this. From the } general atmosphere of his/her mind, the Oracle decides that your } roommate is unhappy with the status of his feet. He/She (choose one but } not both) has developed a severe case of suppressed foot-envy that } manifests itself as aggressiveness towards the feet of other people, } which he/she regards as unfairly perfect. Thus, the darts business are } an attempt to disfigure the feet of others in revenge for his/her } imperfect piggies. } } The underlying cause is, of course, sex. The suppressed } foot-envy is really the overt manifestation of a foot fetish that } reaches back to his/her mother/father's feet. Just be glad your } roommate does not keep a chain-saw. } } You owe the Oracle two pairs of brogans, size 12. --- 73-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh tell me, most wise Oracle-like being... > > If people in Great Britain drive of the left side of the road, and > people in Scotland drive on the right side of the road, what occurs at > the border when the roads meet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THUD! --- 73-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, what poetry is there that is worse than Vogon poetry, and > quote me a medium-length net.sex.goddess poem... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am not know this Vogon, not the good English major. Still the poem is } the easy to find. } } Once upon a brillig time } there was a festy plot; } as often as the salmon ran, } the plot would chirp and squat. } } But then along came half a tub } and seven geese and trout. } And then they put the festY plot } twice up the waterspout. } } Alas, for thee whom Lisa squished! } Alas for plots so damp! } I sing of brooks where Euclid fished! } I also have a cramp! } } And afterwards this half-a-tub } Did squarely make a noise } And bristled up its marble shrub } To thirteen blurly-boys.