From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 13 11:34:43 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #80 Message-ID: <31495@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Dec 89 16:34:43 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 80 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #80 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Dec 89 16:34:43 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 80-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a set which cannot contain itself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the set is catalogue item number MC-024481-S from Tupperware, the } "Stacking Klein Bottle Measuring Cup Set of 5" } } You owe the Oracle a recipe for instant pudding. --- 80-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the International Date Line? Can I get a date there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should mention it! I met Lisa at the International } Date Line. The IDL is the Mensa of dating services. As the name } indicates, it _is_ international, and you won't even get past the } receptionist if you don't speak at least three romance languages. } The way it works is, you dial 011-991-976-5555, and you get } connected to the receptionist, who will administer a test to see if } you're eligible to join. If you pass the test, you'll receive another } number to call, where you'll be able to talk to nine other lucky } members, and arrange dates with your ideal dreamboat. } As for your chances, well... you *are* a computer geek, so } you're not very likely to be able to get in. As I said, this is a very } exclusive club. Just to give you an idea, here are some of the } questions on the entrance exam: } } - How many fully-functional sets of genitalia do you own? } - Do members of the opposite sex faint upon crossing you in the } street? } - Does your personal magnetism disrupt radio stations? } - ... In Asia? } - Est-ce que vous parlez au moins trois langages romantiques? } - Can you sweet-talk a member of the opposite sex? } - ... in French? } - ... in German? } - ... in Turkish? } - Can you give a quantum-level description of the themes of } Harold Pinter's major plays? } - Are you a member of a pantheon? If so, which? } ( ) Norse } ( ) Roman } ( ) Greek } ( ) Cthulhu-mythos (automatic rejection) } ( ) Other (please specify) } - Does a muumuu look alluring on you? } - Can you satisfy Lisa? } - ... twice in a row? } } That last question, of course, is the killer, usually. } Nonetheless, you should give it a try. If you succeed, welcome to the } club, and Lisa and I will be talking to you again. If not, then it'll } at least give us a few laughs. } } You owe the Oracle a centerfold of Aphrodite. --- 80-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What task should I be willing to perform in exchange for 2 baked > potatoes with cheese? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Neitzche's thesis 'Der Philosophie und Studieren von Potaten mit } Kase' (Philosophy and study of potatoes with cheese) he stated the now } famous "Cheese is dead". He was an advocate of either fried potatoes or } baked potatoes with butter and chives. } } Karl Marx picked up on this concept in one of his more obscure works, } 'Der Potaten Staaten' (The potato state). In a rambling thesis of } potatoes he hypothesized that the baked potato with cheese was an } inferior state of potato and that the consumers would evolve to the } Utopian baked potato with butter, sour cream, and bacos. He called for } the people to lift their cutlery high as a form of solidarity and unite } against the Baked potato with cheese (the opiate of the dinner plate). } and exclaimed "Potato eaters of the world, UNITE!" } } In theory it sounded good. The revolution that Marx spoke of came but } the Utopian potato was not a reality. Cheese lovers were cast out of } society and oppressed for the sake of the baco potato. Indeed the baked } potato with butter, sour cream and bacos became the only approved potato } and all other potatoes were needlessly scrapped of the plate and into } the garbage. } } Discontent followed. Several revolutions to bring a more liberal view } towards potatoes and cheese failed only to be mashed and mixed w/ milk } and butter. A cloud hung over those who drudgingly accepted their baked } potato with butter, sour cream and bacos. Workers became lazy, } alchoholism rose, productivity fell and the economy suffered. } } Recently a great leader, Mikheal Potatochef, saw that it was time for a } change. He wanted to give Potatoes a human face. Mr. potato head } became the rage and the inspiration to a generation. } } Slowly the people began to test this new openness. Baked potatoes were } eaten without sour cream or bacos. At first there was resistance but } mass demonstra- tions of baked potato and cheese eaters forced the } government to concede. Victory was won. } } The people risked their very lives and freedom for the potato they } wanted. Surely you would be able to do the same, or at least say } please. --- 80-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that when a couple breaks up, the men suffer for so long, > but his female partner recovers quickly, and seems to forget the > relationship ever happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The female partners do not recover quickly, nor do they forget about the } relationship. } } It is simply that men are too dense to notice that the females are } upset. } } Men show their suffering by doing the following: } } moping around in old clothes with the guys and bitching about their ex } drinking a lot with the guys and bitching about their ex watching } football and bitching about their ex } } Women show their suffering by doing the following: } } crying a lot } eating a lot } going to support groups } } The men don't understand any of what the women do, so they think nothing } of it. } } The Oracle requires you to take an anti-sexism awareness class. --- 80-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Many years ago, a farmer had a bull. He lost it. Do you know where it > is? > > Let's settle the question taht's been on people's minds for a LONg time. > What is the connection between Dan Quayle and the quail bird. My cousin > says there is clear proof of kinship. Pray clarify. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sir: } } This is the Oracle's personal secretary. We regret to inform } you, that the Oracle cannot answer your questions at the moment, due to } the fact that it is currently screaming in anguish, because yet another } stupid reader has attempted to sneak in more than one question per } mailing. The Oracle will most likely be unable to answer questions for } the rest of the day. This means that the back up of questions the } Oracle must answer will get higher, thus depriving more people of the } great wisdom of the Oracle. Not only that, but the hold up in } processing of questions is going to cost the company, Oracle Inc., many } millions of dollars in lost funds, due to the delays in handling the } questioning requests. } } Please find enclosed a bill for the sum total of $1,345,678.92, } which is what the effective cost of your little maneuver has been } calculated to be. Payment is due yesterday, and failure to remit } payment by the payment deadline, shall result in a law suit of epic } proportions, one which I feel, you are not prepared to handle. Thank } you for your consideration, and I hope we can settle this little matter } on our own. } } Sincerely Yours, } } Erma J. Hornswiggle. --- 80-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people even in the state of Indiana, the state that put Dan > Quayle in the Senate, suddenly distrust him so much in the position of > Vice President? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle does not ordinarilly stoop to answer political questions. In } the case of Dan Quayle questions, the Oracle must not only stoop, but } burrow into the ground several stories and descend through a veritable } mire. } } [blech -- there's a lot of mud here. Yuk!] } } Okay, now that the Oracle has sullied its most Wise and Infallible self } by tramping through the swamp of politics, your question can be } answered. } } Nations always receive the leaders they deserve, especially when they } pretend to elect them by popular assent. Indiana needed to be reminded } of the dangers of electing fools to positions of power, and so they } elected Dan Quayle their Senator. When Senator Quayle's antics proved } to be insufficient to remind the Hoosiers of the dangers of complacency } in the electoral process, Quayle became elevated to the Vice Presidency. } Only the spector of this lamebrain being a heartbeat away from the } world's most powerful job could awake Indiana's sleeping electorate from } their self-induced trance. When they (and the rest of the country) } notice what they have wrought, Dan Quayle will be kidnapped by the } Columbian drug cartel and the nation will tell them to hang onto him for } awhile. } } You owe the Oracle a bath and a new white robe. --- 80-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I always get a hard-on when watching Bugs Bunny cartoons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little known fact that Bugs Bunny cartoons are filled with deep } psycho-sexual imagery. The Road Runner is always going into deep dark } tunnels where the Coyote can not follow. Bugs Bunny is always being } hunted with long, black, hard guns. I could go on endlessly. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower. --- 80-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I keep saying everything twice? And why do I keep saying > everything twice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because Doublemint gum IS pure chewing satisfaction. --- 80-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you give me the number PI with an accuracy of 10000 digits ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ho, humm... such a menial and boring task you ask of me, since I know } it to an infinite number of digits. Here is your request, mortal. NO, } THIS IS NOT MERELY A SET OF RANDOM NUMBERS, and how dare you challenge } my awesome power with even the slightest thought of doubt in your mind! } Let there be a bolt of lightning! } } / / } / / } ~~ ~~ } / / } / / } ~~ ~~ } / / } / / } ~~ ~~ } / / } // } / } * } ================================================== } } The oracle has spoken, and sends you your request. Now leave me alone, } or send a more interesting question. Such fabulous intelligence as mine } should not be annoyed by such petty, annoying requests. I am tempted to } taunt you a la Monty Python, peasant! Not even the Supreme Being } matches my brainpow-- } } >> Message from GOD on console... } } >> Just what do you think you're doing? } } Sorry, sir, I got carried away. } } >> Let it not happen again. } } Right. } } I have been subdued for now, but beware. I am commanded to give you the } data you requested, so here it is. } } You owe the oracle your first sports car. } } 3.14159265358979323846264338 ... [all 10000 digits included, no } kidding, edited out for posting -- SK] ... 60010165525637568 } } So there. --- 80-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, you must help keyboard. > > Why is it that every sentence I start ends with a word totally unrelated > to the rest of the cucumber? It happens everywhere I window. It's > starting to drive me Jupiter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the Oracle must respond, even though the dog is restart. You see, } one day, you were sitting at shoe, working on groundhog, and your mother } slipped on banana, falling into the abyss. This had a permanent effect } on your young physche, causing you to wet-your-bed-at } -all-times-even-awake-and-shirt. You see, radish, it can be summarized } as follows: } Yes, said the elephant to the orange, The day *is* darker with the sun. } } Basically, you are freshed. } } You owe the Oracle whatever the hell you were seeing, as I can't hear } you.