From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 16 14:42:56 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #83 Message-ID: <31706@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Dec 89 19:42:56 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 83 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #83 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Dec 89 19:42:56 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 83-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What sort of budget did the creator have to work with?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question, and it just so happens that I have a copy of the original } budget request and approval notices as well as addenda: } } ======================================================================== } Date: October 16, 4.6 billion B.C. } From: The Creator } To: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning } Subject: Creation (Budget Request #1A) } } This is in reference to the recent Creation meeting of July 3, 4.7 } billion B.C. in which the groundwork for a universe was discussed. Per } your recommendation I am submitting the following budget for your } consideration. } } (In thousands of $) } } Night and Day........................................1,575 } Heaven and Earth.....................................1,250 } Plants............................................... 500 } Animals that swim, walk and fly...................... 800 } Humans } Man................................................ 200 } Woman.............................................. 200 } Intelligence....................................... 175 } Office equipment } Copy machine....................................... 5 } IBM Selectric Typewriter........................... 1 } Miscellaneous...................................... 2 } } Total................................................4,708 } } I anticipate that this project should take 4 days to complete. } } Thank you and I await your reply. } } ======================================================================== } Date: January 23, 4.5 billion B.C. } From: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning } To: The Creator } Subject: Budget Request #1A } } Your Budget for Creation has been approved in the amount of $4,632,000. } We are cutting $75,000 off of the Human Intelligence line item and $1000 } off of Miscellaneous office supplies. } } This project is being funded for a period of 4 days. } } ======================================================================== } Date: June 12, 4.5 billion B.C. } From: The Creator } To: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning } Subject: Budeget Request #1A: Addendum } } Due to a labor shortage (one of my archangels has left and taken many } other workers with him to work on a competing project) I respectfully } request an extension of 2 days. } } In addition I have experienced difficulties with the contrator hired for } the Human Development program and have had to send out bids for another } Human Development contractor. Therefore I am requesting an additional } $95,000 for this project. } } ======================================================================== } Date: December 3, 4.5 billion B.C. } From: Office of Budgets and Financial Planning } To: The Creator } Subject: Budget Request #1A: Addendum } } Project extension approved for 2 additional days. However we are unable } for fulfill your additional budget request of $95,000. } } ======================================================================== } There's your answer. Oh, it turned out that the Creator petitioned for } a Bond insuance which helped him to raise most of the $95,000 he needed. --- 83-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind... > > Do you get visual aids from eyeball sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Always remember to wear sunglasses when ogling broads on the } beach. } } Also, you may get hearing aids from letting your SO lick the inside of } your ears. Whispering loving words into the ear of your partner is } probably safe, at least if he/she/it wears ear plugs. } } You owe the Oracle a GIF picture of Annie Lennox in the nude. --- 83-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is it that many net readers believe that you really are "Mr. Know > All" when in reality, it's people like us who are replying to their > questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it isn't people like you who are replying to the questions. From } time to time I send you a few bogus questions just for a laugh, and } because it is fun to watch students trying to do something with their } brains, if they have one. The Oracle is, of course, a highly } sophisticated, multivariate, highly parallelised, natural-language } understanding neural Cobol program, which can reliably generate correct } answers to any question at all withoetotri eotib ftrifi 66%% kgkg } } Syntax error at line 3401 } Core dumped } } Connection closed --- 83-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever been offered a free lobotomy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NO, never a free one. However, I once got an offer for a trial frontal } lobotomy for the low introductory price of $9.95, 10-day trial, double } your neural tissue back if you're not satisfied. It was from Time-Life } Inc., I think. I took them up on it, and was extremely unsatisfied, but } unfortunately when I took them up on their offer, they didn't send me } frontal lobe tissue, they sent me an extra limbic system instead. } } Never trust neurologists. } } You owe the oracle your hippocampus. --- 83-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood could a wood chuck chuck,if a wood chuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ok. That's it. This is the last time I'm putting up with this stupid } question. I mean, EVERYONE asks this when they can't think of an } intelligent, well-formed question for me to answer. I'm pissed. } Really. I need a vacation. I think I'll go to the Bahamas. Yeah, the } Bahamas. That's where all the oracles hang out for New Years. I hear } the INTERNET oracle's gonna be staying at the Hilton. I'll book a room } there. } } } } } } Yes. I'd like to book a room for New Years week. } } } } The USENET oracle. } } } } --- 83-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was walking down the street one day, and I heard the punchline of a > joke, but I didn't catch the first part. The punchline went as follows: > > "...no, but the cucumber is now a pickle!" > > O great oracle, could you tell me what the original joke was? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think it takes a greater being than myself to answer that great } question, although I can think of some pretty nasty insinuations... --- 83-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know the Periodic Table of the Elements. Well, is there also an > Elementary Table of the Periods and a Period of the Elementary Tables? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Insanity! Oh, insanity, I implore thee to play games with my mind! --- 83-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, what is a Redneck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Crimson and vermillion is chroma of the spine! } Red, vulgar red, the throat } Of the dread and filthy redneck, a-mating with the kine } and the porker, and the badger, and the stoat. } } Gross and flaccid is the tenor of the mind } Dull and dingy is the tenor of the eye } Of the foul and viscid redneck, disheartened and de-spined, } } You owe the Oracle a good last line. --- 83-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does my modem work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has a little gnome inside } Who would leave if he weren't tied, } Who reads your Macintoshes' screen } Of every dot and every gleam, } And in his little gnomish voice } Calls up his girlfriend named Joyce } And tells her everything you said, } In hopes that she'll take him to bed. } But Joyce to him will not put out; } To fend him off she tries to shout } And glum, the modem-gnome transcribes } Those manifestly evil vibes } And writes each one upon your Mac. } And yes, it is a kludgy hack. } } You owe the oracle a screw, and half a plate of ratatouill. --- 83-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you give me a poem about Lithuanian onion farms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The rhythm and rhyme will be a bit cockeyed, as it is (of course) } translated from the Lithuanian. } } Juris trudges to the field of onions } For to fetch Marta his love a sharp bouquet } of onions, the vegetable of love. } Marta, she will not see him, } For she has many tasks this day. } The life on the farm of onions is a work burden } Marta, she will not see him, } She kisses him and takes the bouquet, } And then she must go stuff leaves in the mouth of her sleeping } brother. } There are many chores on the farm of onions, } This is the way of life in sweet Lithuania } This is the joy of the farm of onions.