From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 1 13:54:36 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #89 Message-ID: <32240@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 1 Jan 90 18:54:36 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington Keywords: offensive === 89 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #89 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 1 Jan 90 18:54:36 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 89-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail great Oracle, worldly and wise > I bring you a question of curlies and thighs > Of women with curves enough to stop traffic > And electric devices of use pornographic > So help me along on this learning odyssey > And give me an answer quite net.goddessey > About what those duracells Lisa snatched meant > And what's her favorite vibrator attachment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh God, another question in ryme, } about Lisa, net.goddess sublime, } To let go unanswered is surly a crime, } so plug in your vibrator and watch out for slime... } } GOD: YOU'RE FORCING IT A BIT ON THAT LAST LINE. } } Everyone's a critic. Look, it's near quitting time. Give me a break. } Arrange for this guy to have a heart attack while masturbating or } something. } } GOD: OK, BUT JUST THIS ONCE. } } (The scene shifts to our friend masturbating...) } (Unnh unnh unnh gaaak [croak]). } } Thanks, God. } } GOD: YOU OWE ME ONE. } } Righto. --- 89-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Just because my name is Gavin, people think I eat sushi and sing songs > about wakizashis. In fact, I live on Guinness, sing Christmas carols, > and have never even met Crystal Therapy. What are You going to do to > ensure that in the coming age my good Scottish name isn't dragged > throught the mud any further? > > Yours worriedly, > Gavin And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your problem is that the name Gavin for some obscure reason has become } very trendy (I have no idea why; I've always thought "Gavin" was a } rather stupid name). Since a lot of the trendy people who do all those } unspeakable acts you mentioned call their sons Gavin, or even change } their own names to Gavin, people will, quite naturally, believe you're } one of that crowd, too. } } To counteract this disturbing tendency, I'll start a counter-campaign to } make cahnge people's associatiosn to your name. From now on, in all the } jokes I post to rec.humor (and that's quite a few!), all the really } stupid, unpleasant or just geeky persons will be called Gavin. Also, } I'll substitute "Gavin" for "generic ethnic idiot", like in the } following story: } } "Two Gavins were walking down the street when one of them saw something } strange on the ground. } } Gavin 1: What's that, Gavin? } Gavin 2: No idea, Gavin. But it sure look like dog shit. } Gavin 1: Yes, Gavin, it feels like dog shit, too. } Gavin 2: Yes, and it smells like dog shit, too! } Gavin 1: It even *tastes* like dog shit! } Gavin 2: Well, it's a good thing you didn't step on it!" } } If this works out, when people hear that your name is Gavin, they'll not } assume that you're a trendy sushi-eater, but instead that you're a } stupid jerk. Which should please you, since that's what you are. } } You owe the Oracle your photograph (for use in the world-wide "Make fun } of Gavin" campaign). --- 89-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is I really hard playing rock?> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma Birnbaum) } Subject: The Oracle is still pondering your question } } Dear Sir or Madam: } } The question you have submitted requires extra time to parse due to } improper grammatical structure. Please bear with us a few moments, } and the Oracle will address your question as soon as possible. } Thank you. } } Sincerely, } } Erma Birnbaum } (Secretary to the Oracle) } } ... } ... } ... } } O.K., I'm done. My parser routine has come up with four possible } interpretations of your question: } } 1. Is it really hard playing rock 'n' roll music? } 2. Am I a really a hard rock who likes to play? } 3. Am I really hard when I play with my rocks? } 4. Am I really hard when I play rock 'n' roll music? } } The responses, in order, are: } } 1. In the words of my hero, Bob Geldof: } "Maybe get a blister on your little finger, } Maybe get a blister on your thumb." } } 2. A simple test: play with a friend by geting him to throw you into } the water. If you sink to the bottom forever without drowning, } you're a hard rock who likes to play. } } 3. A simple test: in the privacy of your own room, stroke, lick, or } otherwise play with your testicles while using sexual aids to } assist you (K-Y, whips, pictures of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona } Helmsley). If you can break the headboard of your bed with your } penis, then you're really hard when you play with your rocks. } } 4. A simple test: in the privacy of your own room, bang your skull } against a wall while using sexual aids to assist you (Ozzy } Osbourne, Van Halen, Led Zepplin, etcetera, and a casette player, } phonograph, or CD player). If you can break the headboard of } your bed with your penis, then you're really hard when you play } rock 'n' roll music. } } You owe the Oracle a rock and a hard place. Or at least a rock and a } place to get hard. Or a place to get hard playing rock music. Or a } place where they play hard rock. Hell, give me all of the above; you } biffed your own question, not me. --- 89-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't you read Penthouse Variations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You seem to be confusing oracles and orifices. } I get off on fingering people. --- 89-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O.K., Oracle, I did what you said. I tried to earn Lisa's favor by > posting really neat lusty stories in alt.sex and alt.sex.bondage. > There's one where this really naughty fourteen year old girl forces a > ninety year old man to lose his virginity by tying him to his bedpost > and spanking him into an erection and then she does him, and there's > another one where this cheerleader nympho makes it with every guy on her > high school football team in a single night. I think they're really > neat. Now will you fix me up with her will you will you will you oh > please oh please oh pretty pretty please?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Instead of Lisa I've made a date for you with a bottle of Valium. --- 89-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there (relatively) many female experimental physicists, but > almost no female theoretical physicist? And why are the few that exist > so ugly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most female physicists are experimentalists for the same reason that } most male physicists are experimentalists. Because they're at school } all the time working, physicists don't get out much to meet other men } and women. This leads to extreme sexual frustration. One successful } means of venting this frustration is for physicists to play with lab } toys that are sexually suggestive. For example, a female solid state } experimentalist might "slip the high-temperature superconductor in her } dewar", while a male optics experimentalist might "play with his laser". } Theorists only get to play with books, pencils and paper, all of which } sorely lack sexual connotation. The vast majority of theorists have } either never had sex and simply don't understand their repression, or } are independently wealthy and can buy it whenever they want. } } As to why all female theorists are ugly, it's quite obvious, silly } mortal, that you have never heard of Janice, the net.physics.goddess, } and the sexiest theorist the Oracle has ever met. She stands five foot } ten, has dark hair, soft white skin, eyes that bear an elusive shade of } hazel, the color changing ever so slightly with the phases of the moon, } and soft supple thighs which are shown off quite well in a short denim } or leather skirt. She has bent over on numerous occasions wearing this } skirt, causing many a heart failure among the older male physicists, } theoretical and experimental alike. } } Janice is so sexy in fact, that several years ago, she was leading in } the polls for the re-election of net.sex.goddess when a nasty tidbit hit } the front pages of net.land. Apparently, she started dating a physics } frat boy and refused to sleep with him. When it was discovered that she } wouldn't put out, Janice's standings in the polls plummeted, and Lisa, } our current net.sex.goddess was re-elected to the post. Having already } attained the status of net.goddess, Janice was forced to find another } position. She ran unopposed for the title net.physics.goddess and won } by a close margin. } } If you multiple orgasm at the sight of derivations of Schrodinger's wave } equation, scattering theory or Ising spin states, then this woman is for } you. If you multiple orgasm when you get a blowjob or commit sexually } perverse acts, it's best just to fantasize about Lisa and get back to } work. Your experiment is behind schedule as it is. } } You owe the Oracle a bigger laser. --- 89-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In rec.humor just now, someone posted a whole bunch of synonym phrases > for the the word "fuck". They ended with this: > > ..., varnish one's cane, wet one's wick, wind the clock, > and work the hairy oracle. > > I'm wondering about that last one. Is it a reference to you? > Please explain. We're all very curious here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, that does not refer to me. While it is true that the All Knowing } Oracle is rather hairy (It's a tradition for divinely inspired sages } living in caves to stop shaving) you should realize that someone as } universally respected and admired as myself would never become an object } of such ridicule. } } The phrase in question, "work the hairy oracle," is actually a } corruption of the earlier phrase "work the horny airicle," which is how } the ancient Britons referred to beating the Bishop. "Airicle" is from } Greco-Roman mythology, Hercules, or Erecles as he was often called. The } Britons, invaded by the Romans, quite naturally used this hero of their } conquerers as the central symbol in "un-manly" self-gratification. } } The moral of the story: Don't wax your dolphin unless you know its } origin. } } You owe the oracle a copy of Julius Ceasre's Guide to the British Isles } on 10 Pounds of Salt a Day. --- 89-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > please tell me why are most computer people nerds And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle regrets that he is too busy taping his glasses and watching } Star Trek to answer your question at this time. If you would like, } however, to meet at a gaming convention Real Soon Now to discuss your } quandry, perhaps over some alcohol, it can be arranged. Please call my } voicemail service. } } The oracle will require a martini in payment. --- 89-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oops > When will I get laid next???When will I get laid net And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In seventeen minutes, you will turn around and a sultry, beautiful sex } creature will slink into your terminal room. In about eleven seconds, } the two of you will be making wonderful orgasmic love on the floor. } After fourty-six minutes, you will have passed the Entrance Exam, and be } taken to a secret room in your building where the Perpetual Orgy is in } progress. Seventeen wild and fun-filled hours later, you will be given } a key to the Perpetual Orgy Room, and a map to similar rooms in other } buildings. Thirty-one hours after that, they will let you sleep. } } You owe the Oracle a photocopy of the map. --- 89-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't computer scientists have any sexual stamina at all? Can they > be helped? > Sincerely, a concerned friend. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Their problem is a fear that any repetitive process is actually the } dreaded infinite loop. Providing a proof that the usual termination } condition will still occur should suffice.