From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 8 16:22:31 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #95 Message-ID: <32620@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Jan 90 21:22:31 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 95 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #95 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Jan 90 21:22:31 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 95-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a geek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A person who comes from Geece. } } You owe the Oracle an atlas. --- 95-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if sew, why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for participating in our mind control experiment. Over the } past several weeks, all of the responses from the oracle have contained } the subliminal message } Send the Oracle the question "if sew, why?". } Obviously the question has no answer and it was chosen to avoid } confusion with any real questions that someone might ask. } } We hope that you will forgive our tampering with your mind since it was } done in the cause of science. The headaches that you have been } experiencing are purely coincidental. --- 95-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Derrick? IS THAT YOU? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, Derrick's not here. Derrick is nowhere to be found. G'wan, now! } There's nothing to be seen here! Return to your place of business! } Derrick is not in here! Derrick never was here, I tell you! De } } > Message from DERRICK!confin on ttyp0 at 23:22 ... } > } > mom? mom ... hes got me here ... he told me he would give me candy } > and things ... its real dark and theres this woman named lisa whose } > talking about peredasty or something like that ... mom ... give him } > what he wants } } All right! All right! I want $100,000! You owe the Oracle $100,000! } Ha ha ha! You ask all these stupid questions--why?--how much wood does } a wood chuck chuck?--AND NOW I'VE GOT DERRICK! HE'S MY CHILD PROCESS! } AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE HIM IN ON } } > Message from POLICE!cchfd on ttyp4 at 23:23 ... } > } > ALL RIGHT ORACLE WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS } > UP } } You'll never take me alive, ya dirty coppers! } } > Message from POLICE!cchfd on ttyp4 at 23:23 ... } > } > FINE } > % bg %1 } } Egad! NO! I'm a background process! I'm locked here! HELP! } } > Message from JUDGE!fedsa on ttyp2 at 23:27 ... } > } > You have been found guilty of kidnapping in the first degree. You owe } > 10,000 hours of community service in the form of answering questions } > such as "Why?" and "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck?" } > Court is adjourned. } > % %1 } } AAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHH ... ah, yes ... ahem ... what ... what were you } saying? ... oh, a wood chuck can chuck a heck of a lot of wood ... a } whole lot of wood ... you wouldn't believe how much wood a wood chuck } could chuck ... --- 95-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, [insert grovelling here], I pray you answer this most humble > of questions, [further grovelling], for me, one of your most humble > subservients: > > What does she think of when she thinks of me, now that we have slowly > drifted apart? It was such a wonderful relationship... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, a groveler. Oh well, gotta help these poor mortals sometimes.... } } Let's see what she thinks of him .. : } } %telnet exlover 69 } Trying. . . } Connected to exlover. } Escape character is '^]'. } } 342 exlover ready at Sun, 7 Jan 90 } } %cat /usr/adm/thoughts.log } } 23:45 getting sleepier, time for bed } 00:12 faskjd djdswie ms . zzzzz } 08:03 damn alarm clock } 08:04 shower, hot water } ^C } } [let's try this the easy way] } } %cat /usr/adm/thoughts.log | grep male | grep relationship } 15:47 sometimes miss him } 18:29 hated the way he wiped his nose on the cat when I wasn't looking } 19:01 he left the bathroom door wide open .. wouldn't have been bad if } the bathroom wasn't across from the front door .. .. Mom } stopped by .. .. shouldn't think about it } 22:45 we did have fun .. remember that time we went to the fair and } he won a dolly? of course, he insisted on keeping the dolly's } underwear .. he never would tell me why .. .. } 04:34 no don't .. no, put that thing away .. is this a dream? .. no, no } don't it's too big .. no, i can't eat that much .. no .. no .. } this doesn't prove if i love you .. i just don't like taco } salads. ... .. ... .. } %^D } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Do It Yourself Marriage Counselling: 147 } Easy Steps." --- 95-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where o where has my little cat gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O where o where can he be? } } He has killed your spouse, } (Cause he thought her a mouse), } and is now on the lamb, don't you see? } } You owe the Oracle some new penny loafers. --- 95-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is modern music so horrid and nasty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, what you probably didn't know is that I am a composer, in addition } to being all-knowing. So I will suspend my offense at your remark } whilst I answer this question. } } You see, a long time ago, there was this dude, name of Orpheus (a real } hep cat I used to listen to with the "Aegean Uvular Skinheads" opening). } He made such beautiful music that the very Shades wept, and Ixion's } Wheel did for a moment stop. This, as you might guess, was a real trip. } But, as you heard, along came this snake and snuffed his squeeze, and he } screwed up and tried to get her back, and got himself nixed in the } process. } } Anyway, along came some philosophers, Plato, Aristotle, Aristoxenus and } other dope-fiends like those dudes, and wrote some really tripping } stuff, like that music could cause you to do stuff and all. Tim } Leary-like and all that drib. } } So along (a lot later) came dudes like Leonin, Machaut and the } Troubadours (who later came to be known as DeadHeads), and other dudes } like Ockechem and Josquin Des Prez. And all was happ'nin'. } } Well, a coupla hunnert years later came this dude Richard Wagner } (pronounced DICK WAG-NUR) who thought it'd be neat to use a couple more } chords than the other cats, just to see. Well, good old Schoenberg took } this too far, along with others of his generation. } } But then folks like Andrew Lloyd Webber came along and took us back to } the Dark Ages. John Williams nailed the lid on the coffin. } } So you see, the reason is that all the *good* composers are *pissed off* } that Williams and Webber are making all the bread and getting the babes } and they write *pissed off* music. } } Actually, there is some pleasant music being written out there. } } You owe the Oracle some blank cassettes so he can tape you some } Hindemith, Ives (older), Poulenc, Vaughan Williams, Ferneyhough, and } Martland. Not to mention Melby. (But don't tell the RIAA!) --- 95-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so sick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For your answer, we take you live, via satellite, to the planet Dagobah } to our chief correspondent of health and welfare relations, Yoda: } } Must now answer the question have you asked. } } Sick are you, hmmm? Oooo, hoo hoo hoo. Hee hee hee. } Into the Force now will I look............ } Into sponge brain yours is polymorphing. } Oregano becomes your blood. } Eating your guts, alcohol is. (Hee hee hee, hmm hmm hmm) } A solution have I... } Digesting masonite must you stop. Eating mud no good either is. } The toilet bowl must you stop licking. A goof stupid are you. } } Back now to Oracle Usenet return we. } } Hope this helped. Please feel free to consult me for medical advice } anytime, or if you want to talk to Yoda directly, he can be reached at } yoda@swamp.dagobah.starwars.spc. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the planet of its choice. --- 95-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my left hand looking at me with such a terrified expression? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it just saw what you used your right hand for. } } You owe the Oracle your K-Y. --- 95-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most pink and omnipresent, please grant me an answer to my > question... > > What is the ratio of net users who ask good questions to the users who > ask stupid answers? And how do you punish the dumb question-askers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As of five minutes ago, the ratio for today was 0 to 396. It is now 0 } to 397. The askers of good questions are whisked off to paradise where } they are each attended by a dozen self-renewing virgins of the } appropriate sexual orientation. } } The askers of stupid questions are given each other's questions to } answer. } } You owe the oracle a copy of the Profit, by Kellog Allbran --- 95-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do dogs have any concept of the cycle of the seasons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the oracle. Please hold. (click) } } Dum de de dum. Dee dee da dum dum da du. } } (click) Thank you for holding. The President wanted to know why dogs } are not allowed in the White House. Everyone knows it's because they } chase the Quayles and piss on the Bushes. } } Let's see. Cyclic tendency in canines? } } They can tell. They definitely can tell. When you take them for a walk } in the winter they spend a lot more time outside. When you let them out } in the spring they head straight for the garden and dig up your plants. } When you let them out in the summer they impregnate the neighborhood... } } It's obvious. } } You owe the oracle a doggy bone squeak toy.