From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 10 23:46:32 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #96 Message-ID: <32827@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Jan 90 04:46:32 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 96 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #96 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Jan 90 04:46:32 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 96-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's sex good for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is unspeakably disappointed with your minimal facility with } the English language. Precision in the proper specification of *any* } question, _especially_ one directed at the Oracle, is of the utmost } importance, and ought not be treated so casually. } } Never, never, ever again end a sentence with a preposition. } } Being nearly omniscient, I understand that the question you *really* } meant to ask was } } >For what is sex good? } } Sex is good for satisfaction } when your arm's too tired. } Sex is good for relaxation } when you're really wired. } Sex is hardly worth the effort } when your heart's not in it. } Try a quickie now and then } ...only takes a minute. } } Of course I made it up myself. I'm an Oracle, remember? } } You owe the Oracle one wet suit and a 1-qt bottle of Wesson oil. --- 96-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Nudism dangerous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not in the slightest! And don't let the Society of People Who Do Not } Want You To Ever, Ever Take Your Clothes Off, Not Even For A Moment fool } you. The SPWDNWYTEETYCONEFAM (pron. "Spud-Newt-Titty-Cone-Fam) has } been known to send out pamphlets saying things like "Eleanor was a nice } girl. Then took her clothes off to have a shower. Now she is Jewish, } Negro, lesbian, Pagan, Buddhist, Asian, Mexican, alcoholic, pregnant } with her sixty-third child, has had four abortions today, alcoholic, } living in Harlem, addicted to heroin, studying English Literature, } Communist, saving the whales, vegetarian, dating two men at once and } staying out with them after midnight, living in Reno, living in sin, and } *happy*." } } Don't be clothed-minded! --- 96-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you rotate a matrix in place in the general case, with out an > extra copy of the array? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tsk, Tsk. Don't schools teach grammar or proper sentence construction } anymore? Well, before We can answer your question, We must first get it } in a proper, readable form. } } >> > How do you rotate a matrix in place in the general case, } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ } This clause really should be at the beginning of the sentence, thus } removing that awkward period in the middle of the question } } >> > with out } ^^^^^^^^ } Is our spell-checker not working today? } } >> > an extra copy of the array? } } Now, isn't that much better? A question We can live with...wait a } minute, what's this? One of Our reference tomes is lying out. We can't } have that. Let's put this back on the shelf, making sure it is it's } proper alphabetical niche. Oh my, these tomes are all out of order. We } should take care of that right now. And look at these bookshelves; they } haven't been dusted in God knows how long. And while We're at it, we } should refinish that side there.......... } } You owe the anal-retentive Oracle a valium. --- 96-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the most famous song by echo and the bunnymen? i've barely > heard of them, but you recommend them to me so they must be good. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it loses a lot without the music, but here it is: } } Shocking Teflon Anemone } -- echo and the bunnymen } } You, baby, are one shocking teflon sea anemone, } swishing around in a tidal pool, } splish splish splish splish splish splish splish } gobbling up krill and plankton } splish splish splish splish splish splish splish } And whenever a shark comes up and tries to bite you, } His teeth slip off of your hyperfantastic Technicolor Teflon skin. } } You, baby, are one iridescent high-energy koala bear } climbing up over them Down Under eucalyptus trees } crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch } nibbling shoots and buds and leaves that would kill anything else } crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch } And whenever a lion flies down and tries to bite you } You zap him with little teeny cute deadly lightning bolts from your } high-energy-emitting little nose. } } (Recitative: And the Park Rangers come and whomp on him with shovels } and pickaxes and triremes and wakizashis because you are one iridescent } high-energy-emitting member of a fucking endangered species.) } } (* Instrumental interlude. echo throws her Fender to a groupie, and } gets out a classical violin. The next stanza is a direct quotation from } _Ein deutsches Requiem_, by Johannes Brahms *) } } Denn alles Fleisch, es ist wie Gras } und alle Herrlichkeit des Menschen } wie des Grases Blumen } Das Gras ist verdorret } und die Blume abgefallen } } (Recitative: For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the } flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth } away. 1. Petrus I, 24.) } } (* Someone in the wings throws echo another Fender. She torches her } violin and throws it to another groupie, who eats it. *) } } But you, oh yeah baby, you you you you *you* are one shocking teflon sea } anemone, } Swimming around in one purely amazing tidal pool } You ain't about to pass like some flower of grass! } You ain't about to get eaten by no shark! } You ain't about to get chomped by no lion! } Not you baby! Not you not you not you!! } } You owe the Oracle three tickets to their next concert. --- 96-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So Oracle, now that the US has invaded Panama to capture Noriega, does > this mean its OK for Iran to invade Britain and grab Salmon Rushdie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes. --- 96-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't you boys know any nice songs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's one. It's sad, but sweet. I sent it to someone else today too. } } > Sing me a song again, this time the one about the two unicorns who } > didn't recognize each other because one of them was wearing a plaid } > suit. } } Oh I sing a song of wonderous woe, } Of unicorns who better should know, } I sing my song both sad and slow, } I sing of the suit of the Quayle. } } Oh Harbo grazed once in the meadow so sweet, } And Alabax nibbled the whinnysome wheat, } And all of their happiness then was complete, } Until came the suit of the Quayle. } } Oh Harbo went then to the city so grand } From whence they did rule all the whole of the land } And served as the steed of Vice President Dan, } With the suit and the name of the Quayle. } } Oh Alabax froliced in meadows outdoors } But Harbo consorted with terrible bores } and PACsters and other political whores, } Who wore the plaid suits like the Quayle. } } Oh Harbo stayed there for a year and a day, } But they called Dan a virgin and called Dan a gay, } And so the Vice President sent him away, } But gave him a suit of the Quayle. } } Oh Harbo bounced back with a spring and a hop, } With some treats in a bag from Tiffany's shop, } But poor Alabaxis, she thought him a G.O.P., } Because of the suit of the Quayle. } } Oh She snorted and howled and lowered her horn, } And stabbed him right through like a good unicorn } Should stab anyone Republican sworn } And wearing the suit of the Quayle. } } Oh poor Alabax was both sorry and sad, } And Harbo was slain, but the blame's to be had } By the horrid and dreadful and hateful and plaid, } The vile, plaid suit of the Quayle. } } Oh I sing a song of wonderous woe, } Of unicorns who better should know, } I sing my song both sad and slow, } I sing of the suit of the Quayle. --- 96-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are pinafores really full of pins? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um, excuse me for just a moment... } ***** } } Oracle: God, are you there? Hello? } God: Yes, oh knowledgable one, I am. What do you wish to know? } Oracle: Why am I constantly harrassed by such idiotic questions? } God: You ought to know the answer. Tell me, oh great Oracle, why do } people ask you such idiotic questions? } Oracle, recursive level 2: Because they have no real lives. } God: Because they have no real lives. } Oracle (level 1): Thank you, oh omnipotent one. } God: No problem. } } ***** } Hi. I'm back. I suppose you want an answer, huh? Well, I don't feel } like giving you one. } } You owe the Oracle a new life insurance policy. --- 96-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whence and whither flow the streams of thought? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Read the following CAREFULLY, forward and back, and you will see the } answer: } } thguoht fo smaerts eht wolf rehtihw dna ecnehw --- 96-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is "Wldsh"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yet another shell from your friends at AT&T. The "Wild shell" let's you } do crazy things without damaging the system. This is a } hacker-protection program, really. It's so much fun yet doesn't cause } damage or cpu-usage that any system administrator can install it and not } have to worry about hackers again. } } You owe the oracle a Robert Morris doll. --- 96-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend said that a fungus from my apartment is growing on her. > Is it true? If not, how can I persuade her that I am innocent of > infecting her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This question reminds me of one I recently received from the head of } state of a particularly enlightened society of fungi. It seems a human } female attached itself to the colony, causing great distress to its } residents with her threats of genocide. I suggested that any one of a } large number of comercially available agents could be used to kill and } remove the offending female. } } But... on to your question... } } There are a large number of comercially available prepairations that } could be used to kill and remove the offending fungal growth. Perhaps } your girlfriend should investigate these. She should be aware, however, } that any move to use such chemicals could trigger retaliation by the } fungus... } } The fungi did not originate in your appartment - no self respecting life } form would live there... } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary, a gram of cyanide, a tube of anti- } fungal cream, and any book on the doctine of "mutually assured } destruction"