From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 14 18:38:24 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #117 Message-ID: <35871@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 14 Feb 90 23:38:24 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 117 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #117 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 14 Feb 90 23:38:24 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 117-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the fastest way to get to Ohio from Oklahoma. It's important!!! > I need to get there for my bowl of ginsch!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... I suppose you'd rather not hear something like: "Turn } yourself into a photon and..." or other such impractical physics drivel. } You want a plan! } } Fine! Set fire to your terminal. Call the police. Tell them there } is an arsonist in your building. When they arrive direct them to the } terminal room. Sneak out and steal their car. (I will arrange for } stupid policemen to be sent.) Drive to the airport with the siren on. } Remove the shotgun from its mount and use on all toll booths, cabbies } and pedestrians who get in the way. Aim car at airport terminal and } dive out. Use the shotgun to rob a local pushcart vendor of a box of } popsicles. Take said box to airport counter and explain that you have a } frozen heart for transplanting and must be on the next flight to } Oklahoma to save a life. When you are over your destination, use the } shotgun to shoot open the side of the plane. The pilot will spiral down } to equalize cabin pressure. Make a parachute out of the in-flight } blankets, and jump. } } Bizarre, dangerous, and felonious: you'll have to admit that it } will get you there fast. For added realism obtain a real human heart } and put it in the popsicle box. This will be a slight delay but will } add to the drama of your story. } } By the way, it's too late. I ate your bowl of ginshes. --- 117-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or > applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong. Now large > glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are > entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit. They have > eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and > are now chanting "Dan Quayle! Dan Quayle". I am protected by a hastily > drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a Christmas > stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer. How do I get out of this > one alive and reasonably intact? > > Umm... Please hurry on this one. The mangoes won't last long and > the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes > through the pentagram. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I remember when I was your age and these things happened to me } too. But back then, we called it puberty and didn't bother with all } these high falootin' name callin' will-o-wisp terms. Anyway, about } these leather octupusses in your lab, they are not genetic mutations or } Dan Quayle look alikes. Nope, they are real enough all right and they } want you to do something for them. Janitorial diets produce extreme } abdominal discomfort. Squeeze the mangos until juice poors into your } coffee cup. Pull the stocking over your head and tie the tape measure } around your neck. Pull tightly. Poor the mango juice on your head and } shout "Dan Quayle." (I saw this at a Republican Rally once.) } Congratulations, you are now a leather octopus Dan Quayle supporter. } Anyway, about the leather octopusses. Give them the rest of the juice } to wash down the janitorial residue and go back to work. } } The real nightmare is not in your lab but the White House. } } You owe the Oracle five squashed mangoes. --- 117-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I got the (Edelweiss) lyrics to "It's a Small (every morning you) > World" out of (Small and) my head, but now I have (clean and bright,) > the lyrics to a stupid (you look happy to meet me) Rodgers and > Hammerstein song stuck there! What (Edelweiss,) can (Edelweiss) I > (every morning you greet me,) do?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } try: mount /dev/yourbrain /mnt } cd /mnt } cd songs/stupid } rm } cd / } umount /dev/yourbrain } } That should do it! } } You owe the oracle another stupid UNIX pun. --- 117-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > What question are you asked most often? What question are you > asked least often? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } a) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck } wood? } } b) What is the exchange rate of the Azerbaijani groat, expressed in } Punjabi furbles? --- 117-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle, > > Even though I have degrees in science and engineering, and have > reached the self-actualized stage of my existence, one small detail > still eludes me: > > How do those damn tissues follow each other out of the box? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on the brand. Cheap tissues use peer pressure. The throw a } lemming into each vat of paper, and it just sort of works out. Except } sometimes they don't, which is why cheap tissues don't come out of the } box well. } } Expensive tissues, like Kleenex, have tiny delicate invisible steel } girders connecting adjacent tissues. When you pull one tissue out of } the box, the next one is attached to the girder as well. When the first } one is all the way out and the girder is stretched as far as it will go, } the tiny delicate explosive bolts in the girder go off, and the girder } whirls into orbit leaving the tissue unharmed. } } You owe the oracle a box of ultra-high-quality tissues. (The kind that } have little strips of room-temperature superconductors on them) --- 117-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, i have known of Object oriented programming. ANd recently > someone came up to me and told me of a new development, Subject oriented > programming. My question is thus: Are we going to be having more > programming language types named after sentence structures? Preposition > oriented programming, for instance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. In fact, it's already here. Prolog, for example, is just } predicate-oriented programming. Lisp is punctuation-oriented } programming. And so on. } } The next trend will be programming styles based on aspects of the novel } and the play. For example: denouement-oriented programming (only the } results matter), speech-oriented programming (programs written in blank } verse), and so on. } } The Oracle expects to be sent tickets to the opening night of your next } program. --- 117-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you write me a poem about blonds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twas a blond punster named Dunn, } Who knew bad jokes by the ton. } When asked why this was so, } He responsed, "Oh, don't you know? } They've always said 'Blondes have more pun'!" --- 117-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I'd like to travel to Middle Earth. I've read all of Tolkein and > think that it would be a neat place to visit. However, my Local AAA > does not have any roadmaps of Middle Earth, or a hotel guide. Can you > give me directions and suggestions of what to do/see while I am there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having read the master's works, of course, you can lay your hands on the } maps in the book. Also, the related TSR game has a large map. } Unfortunately, they took some liberties with the layout of the place, so } use that only as a rough guide. } } As for what to do, that depends on your exact interests. As I enjoy the } pastoral life, I enjoy walking the hills and pastures of the Shire. } Just relaxing and watching the clouds go by is a good vacation for me. } } Of course, the new amusement park on the shores of Long Lake is a big } draw, what with their new Smaug roller-coaster and all. Next month they } should be opening their 9-rings loop coaster. If you happen to be there } for the anniversary of the ruling-ring destruction, be sure to catch } Gandalf's fireworks display. } } I've heard the skiing is great in the misty mountains, but I do not ski. } } Those who enjoy the congeniality of pubs will find much to sate them. } The Thursday night tall-tale contests down at the Balrog Inn at } Rivendell rival those at Callahan's. } } You owe the Oracle a Mithril belt buckle. --- 117-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was driving along the other day when 4 elephants carrying sacks of > mangoes materialised in front of me. But then, all of a sudden, there > was a blinding flash, and the elephants stood there TOTALLY UNCHANGED, > AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. Please explain the blinding flash oh great > one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This was clearly meant to be one of God's great Miracles. The trouble } is, what with the events in the Eastern Block, and the various trouble } spots in Africa and South America, he is feeling somewhat worn down of } late; indeeed you could say he has temporarily lost his 'zap'. I } believe what was meant to happen was that the elephants were meant to } trample the mangoes into a soft, squidgy consistency and then make a } killing in the chuckney markets. The interpretation of this is that God } is a free market economist, and as such you should be wary of any } elephants carrying fruit; you may get trodden on. --- 117-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to make fast money ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Breed it for stronger legs and threaten to light it on fire. Ha ha ha } ha ha. } } The Oracle is pulling your leg. (That's a figure of speech. The Oracle } is not really pulling your leg. But if you want an answer the Oracle } suggests that you laugh at the Oracle's jokes once in a while. The } Oracle has feelings, too, you know.) } } These things vary from person to person, of course. Let the Oracle } consult your stars and see what the best way for you to make money } quickly is... well, your stars are arguing among themselves as usual, } so the Oracle will have to look elsewhere. This looks promising: "1001 } answers to commonly asked Oracle questions". Yup, here it is. } } The best way to make lots of money quickly is to become the national } government. And once you're there, it's perfectly legal, too! } } You owe the Oracle a 100-dollar bill with the Oracle's picture on it } once you assume control of the government.