From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 16 12:33:42 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #118 Message-ID: <36075@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Feb 90 17:33:42 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 118 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #118 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Feb 90 17:33:42 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 118-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I lost my MAN utility. Can you give me the manual entry for finger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the Oracle has looked high and low, and has found at last the answer } you seek. } } FINGER(1) Eunuchs Programmer's Manual FINGER(1) } } } } NAME } finger - digital manipulation / signalling device } } SYNOPSIS } finger [ options ] name ... } } DESCRIPTION } About 3 inches long, with three joints including the one } connecting it to the hand. Has a hard shielding material } covering the upper side of the protruding end, and a } unique identification code imprinted on the front of the } protruding end. } NAME refers to one of {index, middle, ring, pinky}, which } are referenced from the thumb outward. INDEX is typically } used for location and identification, RING for marraige, } MIDDLE for divorce, and PINKY for cleaning wax out of one's } ears. } OPTIONS include hair, double-jointedness, broken bones, and } various paraphernalia (rings, string, etc). } Use of finger for prurient interests is not recommended on } the grounds that it may lower your Purity Test score. } Use of finger MIDDLE (aliased "BIRD") is definitely not } advised against those people bigger than you. } } FILES } Are useful for shaping fingernails. } } SEE ALSO } "This little pig went to market" -- Anon. } } AUTHOR } God, or Darwin, whichever you prefer. } } BUGS } It is a good idea to keep the finger device free from } bugs, which are unsightly and tend to itch. } } } You owe the Usenet Oracle your thumbs and a 3270 Control Stream. --- 118-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, lodestone of my life, I hate to tell you this, but my > faith is shattered. > Witness the following transcript! Witness how I painstakingly > mapped out a poetically epic outpouring of my soul, practically bleeding > upon the page on which I wrote to you. Witness the heinous, moronic, > utterly mindless lame reply which I have recieved: > > ------ > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Oracle, when I first heard about you, I was very happy to know that > > there was some way for me to share my deepest problems and questions > > and having them resolved. > > > > Over the past few months, though, I've found that I've been mailing to > > the Oracle more and more. The comfort from receiving such reassuring > > answers is very reassuring; I find that almost my whole life depends > > on that comfort, now. And, so, Oracle, I pose to you my first double > > question: > > > > 1) Is this oracle-devotion bad? > > > > 2) May I go to the bathroom now? I've been waiting for days. > > > > Thank you. Oh please, please, please, please answer quickly.... > > > > With legs crossed, > > Devotee > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } 1) No, it isn't bad unless yo overload the heaven links > } and yes, you can go to the bathroom now... > } > } (please wash your hands after) > ------- > > Yea, verily, Oricale, both these questions were very important > to me; now I feel violated. Hence, now, I pose to you another double > question: > > 1) Have my long months of faith been spent in vain? > > 2) Was that last response sent by The True Oracle, or did some shmuck > intercept my message? > > With shoes untied, > Devotee And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Yes, the long months of your faith were spent in vain. In fact, one } of the acolytes, whom we shall henceforth refer to as "Brother Bimbo", } snuck into the Oracle Treasury of Faith, and took a rather large } quantity of the last months' proceeds. He thence absconded to the Jimmy } Swaggart Christian Casino, where he did gamble away everything he took. } (It wasn't a total loss. He did get a pink fuzzy stuffed teddy-bear, } and an all-expenses-paid Voyage to Arcturus (symbolism optional).) I am } sorry to report that the faith you had contributed was among that which } Brother Bimbo embezzled. } } 2) In fact, a cabal of rec.humorites have been intercepting the Oracle's } mail and forwarding it to talk.bizarre.boring, whence your answer. } } Rejoice! You have now reached the true Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle a lollipop. --- 118-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because we like you! } } You owe the oracle a Mickey Mouse Club Hat. --- 118-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I don't know if it's just me, but I have never seen > anyone collect the money out of a public pay phone. Does the phone > company ever send someone to collect the money? If not, what happens to > it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It IS just you. You have a minor genetic deficiency in your retinae } which prevent you from seeing objects with albedo under .17 and } reflective wavelength between 4015 and 4090 Angstroms. And the phone } company only hires dark blue men to collect pay phone money. } } You owe the Oracle a nifty pair of Ray-bans. --- 118-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I make my voice do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one. } } Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb } against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around } your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and } middle finger. Put your index finger against your forehead } and your pinky finger between your front teeth. Purse your } lips. Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as } far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing } it right). Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something } bad. Anything you say in this position will come out like } this. } } You owe the oracle a self-poitrait, in this position. --- 118-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What has the effect of the U.S.-Canada Free Trade Accord been > on the North American zipper industry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A Question. For eons I have waited for a Question... } } No, honestly! You wouldn't believe how many pseudo-questions I get } (zen weirdness), how many cliche questions (about woodchucks), and } lonely hearts inquiries. Things weren't too much better when I first } started. All these bizarre set-ups by Zeno, cliche questions about how } many days it took to build Rome, and lonely heart inquiries. But you } have finally asked something worthwhile. I'll have to fire up the } incense and let me collect a few things. Haven't had to do this since I } set up all those filters to handle the Lisa questions.... } } [cring, fsst... patter-patter-patter... bdong!] } } Bloody goat! Now what did I do with the weasels... } } [oooog... Sploosh! meep] } } Oh Great and Ineffable, Ineluctable Ones, enlighten this, your } Oracle, so that I may tell this mortal the effect of the U.S.-Canada } Free Trade Accord has had on the North American zipper industry? } } [working............................done] } } FIVE ARE THE WAYS OF THE NORTH, } FIVE IS THEIR COUNT. } } SIX ARE THE WAYS OF THE SOUTH, } SIX IS THEIR MEASURE. } } EACH TO EACH, EACH TO EACH } AND SO IT IS GOLDEN. } EACH ACROSS, EACH ACROSS } AND ALL IS UNDONE. } } LEAF FALL, STORM CALL, } IN SMALL THINGS ARE GREAT FALLS. } THE KING SHALL BE JOINING } THAT WHICH OPPOSES, } AND FROM HIS DELAY, } SHALL COME NEXT YEAR'S ROSES. } } FOR FURTHER INQURIES, PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING CASE NUMBER: C339-Y-7. } } NEXT TIME, USE REAL OWL FEATHERS PLEASE.... } } Hmmm... Ok. The first part is pretty straightforward. Seems } that Canada and U.S. have different standards for the number of zipper } teeth per inch. This is fine until someone buys left zipper halves from } Canada and right zipper halves from the U.S. Otherwise, the general } effect is profitable for the industry. } } The second part is much more obscure.... Let me cross-ref on the } roses. Yoicks! Seems like we got lucky on this one. The U.S. } President in the near future will get stuck in the bathroom trying to } zip up his trousers with a binational zipper. In doing so, he will be } delayed long enough for the Strategic Air Command to determine that } those blips are geese, not missiles, and so a nuclear war will be } averted. } } Pretty amazing, eh? Talk about planning! Those Fates are pretty } well on the ball. } } You owe the Oracle some real owl feathers. --- 118-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your favorite Monty Python sketch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, he has an absoulutely beatiful one of a Basque mudslide } hurtling down on a small, sleepy town. It's done in sepia, and with } great detail. I also like his charcoal rendering of "Various small } furry animals in a cave, grooving with a Pict", a wonderful example of } how to portray a scene with a minimal number of strokes. But, I expect } that my most favorite is the Spanish Inquisition... } } [CRASH!!] } } "***NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!***" } } You owe the Oracle a new door. --- 118-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > when? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When tiny young pigs make their homes in the sky } When liver spots start to pass old people by } When gardeners try to grow dirty old socks } When slugs make a diet of bagels and lox } When week-old damp bread will no longer grow mold } When stuff owned by Elvis no longer is sold } When pandas grow fangs and attack little girls } When oysters rebel and refuse to grow pearls } When Dan Quayle is voted Time's "Man of the Year" } When Santa is someone whom small children fear } When research discovers that oat bran is bad } When wearing lead underpants becomes a fad } When mankind finds sex to be of little worth } When mutated cockroaches rule the whole earth } When the Masked Marvel is finally unmasked } When dumb Oracle questions cease to be asked } When birds start to swim and fish try to hum } Only Then will you find wisdom, my son. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Ripley's Believe It or Not and a rhyming } dictionary. --- 118-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most songs on Earth are about love or its absence. Please send me a > love song written on a planet with more than two sexes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Translations of songs from these planets generally don't capture } their intensity. The language involved has more than two truth } values; translations end up "vague" and "obscure" to Terran ears. } Still, if you must know... } } --- } } Here is the refrain from "Uncertain Disco," as performed by the } Heisenbergs, homeworld RU-232: } } When it became possible for you to enter the room } I necessarily got excited } It was 47.4% certain that this was love at first sight } It appeared that I wanted you right there, or maybe right over there } Probably } } --- } } You owe the oracle an all-expense-paid tour of an IBM 3162 terminal. --- 118-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please recite for me a poem of love, betrayal and destruction in > seven lines each beginning with the letter s. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pas de problem. The form of the poem is } called a limerimerick: } } Sally loved Lois with fervor. } She swore that she'd love her for ever } So when she found Fred } Sharing Lois's bed } She shot them both dead, } Smashed Fred's garden shed, } Saying "That is the end of my oeuvre". } } [You may now applaud]